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140,593 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
Hey there, Host! Here as asked. Sorry I’m a little late to getting this. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but the site’s been CRAZY!
First of all, I have to say that I’m really happy to see a guy writing about heartbreak because that’s definitely a rare thing to see on the site. But I think you really need to dig your boy-brain into the emotion of this a little better. Describe her more for one thing. Tell the reader the things about her that were so important to him and the things that he’ll miss the most. These things help a reader better understand why this heartache will be so bitter.
Something else is the rhyming. I always have to congratulate anyone who can get a poem to rhyme at all throughout. But here, rhyming seems very stiff. When you rhyme, suddenly you have fewer words to describe with and less range to work with.
Structure of a poem is another big thing. It may not seem like it’s that important but it can be. If you see a poem that just runs down this confined column, it will feel stiff. When you’re dealing with poems that have a very heavy emotional setting then you will likely make the poem feel stiff and it can take away from the effect of the poem a bit.
If you have any questions, Host, then go ahead and throw me a PM or leave a post on my wall and I’ll be happy to help you out!
~lilymoore
Hey Host! ^^ Here to review as requested.
So, the first thing I noticed about this poem is how typical it is. I'll start by saying that yes, break-ups and heartbreaks caused by lovers are hard to cope with, and they can make for good poetry - but the fact that ever second poem out there is about the same thing tends to make the entire topic feel old and cliche.
And that's what I felt here. Sure, you had your basic emotion, and it showed, but it wasn't enough to distract from the cliches and how typical it all is. It hurts, we know that. He's heartbroken, obviously. It's just another story - it's not personalized in any way. It's just like every other broken-heart poem out there, there's nothing fresh or original that really makes it your own. Rather than explain that he feels pain, show me how he feels pain, exactly what he feels pain for. (Remember though, show, don't tell. Don't tell me flat out that his girlfriend dumped him and now he's attempted suicide or something similar - show me using imagery. Also - disclaimer: I'm not saying that the 'he' in your poem should be suicidal. It was just an example. That might be a bit... melodramatic.)
I also want to mention the rhyming scheme here: In short, I usually hate rhyming schemes. Rhyming schemes can be very limiting - and your word choice starts to grow slim. This usually results in forced-sounding rhymes that don't really fit right with the rest of the poem, or in using cliches for the sake of making things rhyme. This is one of those poems where the rhyme-scheme seemed to limit things too much. Some of the rhymes sounded forced - like they just didn't fit right.
This one for example:
The last line was both cliche and it sounded forced - two in one. You see what I mean about rhyming schemes? You see beginners using them all the time, but in my opinion, only master poetry writers should attempt them. Otherwise, a lot of thought needs to go into them.
There was, however, one line that I did like. It was imagery, which this poem didn't seem to have much of. (Which can be fixed without too much trouble.)
That line was one that I genuinely enjoyed reading - it actually provoked some emotion in me. I'd say leave that one as it is.
Anyways, onto the second poem. ^^
Keep writing,
~~Ish.
This is the classic breakup story with a broken heart and you put a nice rhythm to it. Nice word choice, it flowed smoothly. As a reader, I don't feel very much emotion that allows me to really see how the guy feels. It's kind of laid out there for us to read, and not really have to think about it. Sensory description can help a lot with getting emotions out but not spelling out completely how you feel. Hope this helps!
This was a beautiful poem and it really was relatable. Keep up all the good work
This is so true and relateable. Great job. Keep writing!!!!
I like how relatable this poem is [: But try adding some more describing words, just to give that extra something. But really, there's nothing wrong with it. Keep writing.