Hey there, Host! Here as asked. Sorry I’m a little late to getting this. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but the site’s been CRAZY!
First of all, I have to say that I’m really happy to see a guy writing about heartbreak because that’s definitely a rare thing to see on the site. But I think you really need to dig your boy-brain into the emotion of this a little better. Describe her more for one thing. Tell the reader the things about her that were so important to him and the things that he’ll miss the most. These things help a reader better understand why this heartache will be so bitter.
Something else is the rhyming. I always have to congratulate anyone who can get a poem to rhyme at all throughout. But here, rhyming seems very stiff. When you rhyme, suddenly you have fewer words to describe with and less range to work with.
Structure of a poem is another big thing. It may not seem like it’s that important but it can be. If you see a poem that just runs down this confined column, it will feel stiff. When you’re dealing with poems that have a very heavy emotional setting then you will likely make the poem feel stiff and it can take away from the effect of the poem a bit.
If you have any questions, Host, then go ahead and throw me a PM or leave a post on my wall and I’ll be happy to help you out!
~lilymoore
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