Lullaby for the Gemini

Hey there! Lim here with a review.

This was an interesting poem! I felt like you’ve done a good job at creating the build-up of tension in the first part of the poem, with the rhetorical questions hinting at one of the brothers dying, so the resolution where the other brother rescues him from death is more impactful. The poem feels like it’s got a ‘problem’ and a ‘solution’ in its narrative arc, if that makes sense.

I feel like I would have liked more lines about the conflict? For instance:

Gave him your trust, and an eye for an eye.

This hints to me at some kind of vengeance or betrayal that caused Castor’s death? But I feel like there’s room to expand on it a bit: who is the “him” in this context?

Another question I had was about this line:

sleep we do with bows ever drawn.

Who are the ‘we’? Are they the people of some city that inhabit this world together with immortals? Is this poem set in mythological Greece like the names imply?

But one would not go, where his brother couldn't follow.

He would not let him go where couldn't follow.

I like the idea here of repeating while reframing the line. To me it reads like: “He WOULD NOT let him go where he couldn’t follow” and so conveys the brother’s desperation/adamancy that the other brother not die. I did feel like I got stuck on reading this part, like I couldn’t make out what it was saying until a few re-reads - maybe it’s the way the line just looks long and unbroken on the page?

Something else I liked about this poem was the way you used rhyme. I thought the rhymes helped give a rhythm to the narrative and created some catchy stanzas.

I particularly liked:

One son of kings,
One Zeus's spawn.
Did they ever imagine when one would be gone?

I also like this line:

Stars do not die, but sometimes they fall.
did he know what he couldn't forestall?

The rhyme fall/forestall feels like it emphasises the possibility of the mortal brother’s demise, making the lines more ominous.

Overall, I like the way this poem sounds in my head (I would’ve read it aloud but I’ve got a sore throat at the moment ^^’). It has a compelling story, and I felt invested in finding out “what he couldn’t forestall”. My main feedback would be to maybe expand a bit on some of those lines I mentioned so the reader can get more context and so more fully experience any emotions you may be trying to convey.

Hope this helps, and keep writing!
-Lim

hello, hildegardhope. i've come to review this poem.

i haven't brushed up on my greek mythology recently, but this is definitely deeply greek-rooted. boyhood to manhood, hm. that is ever-present here and ever-pressing to me. i think there's a lot to say about that.

you use a broken-rhyme scheme and i have to say it works in favor here. it feels very adjacent to the beginning to a shakespearean play, setting up the fates of our main characters.

i love the diction here. "bows ever drawn". although some of the grammar is a bit clunky, i.e "sleep we do", instead of "we do sleep" or "we sleep". just a thought.

i may have to come around and do a deeper analysis of the story of gemini, but you've definitely encapsulated the greek-tale-ness inside this poetry. i praise you for that.

best & sincerely,

eulogy

Comments & reviews · 2

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Name

Email (optional)

How many vowels are there in 'review'?