Its cold "the sun isn't even out yet!" and the car is packed
Everyone has a drink and snack "in the car!?"
Every space is filled with a suitcase or pillow "anyone got a blanket?"
So many fields we're passing by "is it wheat or milo?"
"Oh there's horses and cows, look out the window!"
A nap here a picture there *snap* "hmm…just one more"
There's stop after stop "the bathroom again?"
And weird conversations "what if cats could talk?"
Then the sun starts to set "two hours until we're there" "wooo!"
Everyone takes a nap
Its night when we finally get there "why are we stopped?"
The air is sleepy "alright everyone up."
The air is excited "shh!"
And a week of fun later we'll do it again "already?"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
I just love the way you have written it!
the poem has a certain kind of flow to it and its adorable since it's easy to imagine which family member would say which dialogue!
I just felt that in the poem,
"Why are we stopped?", is grammatically incorrect. I think it could be-"why have we stopped?" OR "why did we stop?"
But all in all, it was really fun to read, Hikari!
Now this poem makes me miss having road trips and traveling with my family. This story is pretty realistic too. I like how I get to imagine my family and I traveling to the province area to the city area. Just don't forget those songs we listen to as we enjoy to the road of memories. Guess all families on a trip need a bathroom stop and a stop for little naps in between the trip. My favorite lines are:
"The air is sleepy "alright everyone up."
The air is excited "shh!"
These lines seems very fun and creative. Anyways, this is a good poem. It seems wholesome and cute. Keep it up!
hey there
oh my i really loved this one!
the simple idea of familly road trips turned into a cute lovely poem like this one is great.
parts i found catchy
the air is sleepy , the air is excited! i literally felt that as if i'm waking up in a car! so this brought back memories.
another one is "already" at the end of your piece: it added a little cute end to the poem that it felt like an open ending haha
overall this flows in great way, it's catchy and creative.
keep up the good work
ps; i'll check other works
Oh my goodness, I loved this part the most:
The air is sleepy -- that is exactly the feeling you get when opening up the car door right after waking up in the car. I used to get driven back and forth between mom's and dad's house, and that's exactly it.
I also really like your idea of interspersing description with dialogue, but I would like the dialogue to be a bit more realistic. I don't quite believe lines like "Is it wheat or milo?" and "Oh there's horses and cows". I feel like I would say something like "What's that, dad?" and he would say maybe he's not sure if its wheat or milo, but I wouldn't give the choices in my question realistically. I would say, "Look!" or "Horses!" but not compose a full sentence and name animals in a list like that, I think.
I'd say you could practice writing down exactly what people say in your next road trip, to build an idea of more realistic dialogue.
Of course, this is just based on my experiences, so maybe your family really does speak that way, but you'll have to consider if it feels real to a majority of your audience.
Thanks for sharing this fun moment. Let me know if you have questions or comments about my review by messaging me or replying here!
Hannah
Greetings,
Purely Entertaining and a pleasing piece filled with simplicity that revolves around simple joys of family roadtrips.
You made me relive such journeys that I used to experience when I adored the long drives beside the paddy fields in the monsoons of India. It was aesthetically calming to glance at the paddy which were soaked to the brim and ready to bear us the fruits of sustenance.
Roadtrips to the countryside and being able to value the nature and its creations like daffodils, wild musks, mongoose, is truly priceless in today's mostly urbanized society.
Thankyou for reminding us about the thing of beauty that is a joy forever.
keep writing....
I'm not really sure how to feel about this since i don't usually write this type of poem, I'll probably improve it later