z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 3 (part one) of 'Jadeland'

by Hijinks


"Hide!" Mama whispered to me. "I'll be fine. Just hide, and don't let them catch you." Then she pried my hands off her skirt and pushed me. I whimpered, trying to cling to her. "Run!" Mama hissed. And I ran. Out the back door, past the smouldering community center, towards the N'ohia woods where my treehouse was. Birds screeched and rose from the trees as I ran by, stumbling on roots and ripping my dresses on branches. I turned back to look at my house, hoping for a glimpse of mama. To my horror, the house was on fire. 

"Noooooo!" I screamed.

With a jolt, I woke up from my nightmare. "Quiet!" a voice hissed. "I'm gonna lift you up now, so don't scream in shock."

I was too busy being stunned about my dream to reply. That was the first time I'd had that dream in a long time. The forest of N'ohia had always protected me, even when I was just five. And now ... it had let me down.

As the person lifted me up, I braced myself against the sides of the trunk to stop myself from tumbling everywhere. I didn't really have to move my arms much, as the trunk was supposedly carrying a puppy ... not a human three times the size of one.

As the person carried me out to the docks, I only heard the Jadian language, which meant we were in New Jadeland.

I felt a jolt as I was loaded into another carriage. I would probably stay hidden there for a while, as the officials in New Jadeland checked all the carriages. That was because they were at war with Scareymon, a neighbouring country, home of the Scareymonish and their warriors. Binster was the part of New Jadeland under Scareymonish control - or was New Jadeland the part of Binster under Jadian control?

"Hey! You!" I heard a carriage pull alongside ours. "Would you be so kind as to pull over? We would like to search your carriage, if you please." The person saying this sounded like a woman. Probably a Jadian official. During wartime, Jades had no choice but to obey the officials. Which meant maybe I had hope of escape?

"What the ..." one of the lady slave traders whispered something under her breath that I would never dare repeat.

"Of course!" said another under the fake pretense of cheerfulness.

"What's in that trunk?" one of the officials asked.

"A puppy. Poor thing won't stop jumping around, so we put in there with food and water. And, course, air holes."

No! I wanted to scream, There's a person locked in here! About to be sold to the Scareymonish!  

But obviously, I hadn't learned any advanced magic, like controlling thoughts. All the sudden the trunk seemed to grow a shade darker.

And so, ten minutes later, tricked into thinking I was a puppy and my trunk was locked and they had lost the key, the officials drove away. They don't seem so smart, I thought to myself. Anyways, shouldn't they help 'find' the key so the puppy doesn't die?

One of the slave traders came and unlocked my trunk. I pushed open the lid, blinking at the bright light. Tamara, who had just gotten out of her trunk, reached out her hand to help me up.

"Thanks, Tamara," I said.

"You Jades are so weird. I'm just being polite, gosh darn it. Ya don't have to say thank you," Tamara replied. "And, uh, you can call me Tam."

"Oh. Okay," I replied awkwardly.

"Stop chatting!" the person who had unlocked our trunk yelled. I hardly bothered to look at him, but for the three seconds I did, I didn't particularly like the way he looked. He had dreadlocks of black hair and a beard that desperately needed to be rid of all the food crumbs stuck in it.

"And git yerselves seated," he continued. "Don't wanna fall out the back accidentally, eh? Then yer might jest escape. And, now, we wouldn't want yer to get hurt, either, would we?"

"No, sir," Tam replied for both of us. Together we pushed the heavy oak wood door that attached the storage compartment of the carriage to the seats. I sat down at the window, and she sat down next to me.

For a while we sat in silence, while I watched the scenery pass by the window. Birches from Earth and rabushe bushes native to Jadeland grew side by side. Not like Humans and Jades.

I stared at the clouds for a bit, trying to make out animals within the puffs.

"Um ... so, where are you from?" Tamara asked me once, quietly.

"Culmary. What about you?"

"Riddles South."

"Oh! That's pretty far from Culmary," I said stupidly. "Er, I mean, most places in Jadeland are pretty far from most places in Mambria. I mean, you have to cross the Olken Strait ..."

Thankfully just then someone shouted at us to be quiet, saving me from my downward spiraling  comment.

A couple hours later, we arrived at yet another dock. This one was dirty and slippery. The sun hardly broke through the heavily clouded sky.

"Into the trunks again!" the leader told us. I crawled into my trunk, this time using my sweater as a pillow. The lid closed and everything was dark again. I heard a lock click, and knew I was due for a long, cramped ride once more.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
104 Reviews

Points: 4417
Reviews: 104

Donate
Fri Oct 13, 2017 10:30 am
View Likes
Danni88 wrote a review...



Hey there!

So, I like this chapter because it gives us a lot of information.

Yasmine's nightmare gets you thinking. Clearly someone was after her and her mother, but who? One of the main reasons I like this series is because in every chapter you learn something new.

There is now a rocky friendship between Yasmine and Tamara, and I suspect this will probably progress into something stronger.

The best bit about this story? We haven't yet met the antagonist. Well, apart from the kidnappers. That really keeps the reader guessing.

I can't wait to find out what happens when they finish their journey!

See you for the next chapter,

D xox




Hijinks says...


Thank you again!!!



User avatar
44 Reviews

Points: 2883
Reviews: 44

Donate
Tue Jul 04, 2017 7:11 pm
View Likes
midnightdreary wrote a review...



Hi! I'm sorry I didn't get to this sooner, but I'm here to review! Your chapter is great, as they have been.

So first thing is "... not a human three thimrs the size of any puppy I know". So first, I think you should use past tense, since that's the tense he story's in. Second, the sentence is a bit awkward. You could change it to "not a human three times the size of one." Also, there are some instances where you use elipsis where you should probably just use a comma.

When you introduce Scareymomish, try saying, "Scareymonish, a neighboring country home to the Scareymonish and Scareydaddy warriors". As it, it sounds a little superfluous.

In the thought about finding the key for the puppy, take out the "or something". It adds nothing to the meaning.

There are also a few typos which I'm not going to point out. Just be careful in going over your work when you read it over before posting it.

And that's all. I hope this helped!




Hijinks says...


Thank you!



User avatar
324 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 324

Donate
Tue Jul 04, 2017 3:41 am
Evander wrote a review...



Hey! I'm back with another review.

"Hide!" mama whispered to me.

Since "Mama" is a name/title, then it would be capitalized here and in all other instances without a possessive pronoun before it.

Ohh, a memory. It doesn't really go into why the Scareymonish are after Yasmine, but I don't think it necessarily has to. It manages to give some insight into the main character an a little bit of her backstory, along with addressing the fact that she may have some PTSD-like symptoms from what had happened to her as a child.

To my horror, the house was on fire. "Noooooo!" I screamed.

Given the fact that a new person spoke, then there should be a new paragraph signifying so.

The forest of N'ohia had always protected me, even when I was just five. And now ... it had let me down.

I'm a bit confused as to what this comment is referring to. The first time I thought it had been referring to the fact that Yasmine was kidnapped with relative ease and the forest hadn't protected her, but the second time reading through I had assumed it was talking about the nightmare that she had involving her mother. Given the fact the fact that most of that paragraph is about the dream, then I would assume that she's talking about the dream. This conclusion allows me to lead into my next paragraph.

The rules of magic haven't actually been solidly established in this world yet, despite some mentioning of it from the professor earlier. Thus, it leads me to believe that the Forest of N'ohia has some magical properties that had been protecting Yasmine from her nightmares involving that trauma in her childhood. If so, then how does magic work in this world? What other properties does the forest have? Could it have also been protecting Yasmine from potential kidnappings and she never noticed that fact? Is this the first attempt? All these questions will be answered next time on Dragon Ball Z!

a neighbouring country and home of the Scareymonish

Ahah, so the Scareymonish are people.

"Hey! You!" I heard a carriage pull alongside ours. "Would you be so kind as to pull over? We would like to search your carriage, if you please." The person saying this sounded like a woman. Probably a Jadian official.

I'm actually fairly interested about the system of government that the Jadians have. (Jadians? Jade people?) The reader doesn't have to know everything right away, but little sprinkles of detail into that would be nice here and there. Do Jadians have the right to deny searches? Can just any official search someone's carriage? Does there have to be suspicion on the official's side to initiate the search? Is there something akin to a police force or no? These are all little details that can make your story come alive.

Ten minutes later, tricked into thinking I was a puppy and my trunk was locked and they had lost the key, the official drove away. They don't seem so smart, I thought to myself.

Those two sentences had the ability to be a half a chapter in itself, pulling on humor and tension to further draw the reader into the book. I'd heavily suggest expanding upon that and further exploring how exactly the officials were tricked, maybe even playing on the heartstrings of the readers as an escape seemed so close yet managed to be taken away by the incompetence of the official.

What was the point in Yasmine and Tamara being taken out of the trunk? That just seems to make it more likely that Yasmine and Tam would try to escape.

Here's an article that I am suggesting for you to read. It might help with the description and detail in this novel.

Well, I do hope that you keep on writing!

-Castor




Hijinks says...


I tried changing some things - hopefully for the better! Thanks for the review.




Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
— George Eliot