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Chapter 3 (part two) of 'Jadeland'

by Hijinks


Sometime during the boat ride, the water began to get choppy. To be precise, the trunk I was in wasn't tied down. Any chance of sleeping through the rest of the journey was demolished as the trunk slid from here to there in the hold of the ship.

In between the roar of the ocean, I whispered to Tam out of one of the air holes. "Tam? . . . Tam?"

"Yasmine!" Tamara exclaimed quietly. She sounded relieved to hear a fellow human's voice. "You know what's wrong with this?"

"What? Besides the fact we've been kidnapped, are about to be sold as slaves, and are sliding all over the floor of a ship stuck in trunks?"

"Yeah. Well. From Binster to Scareymon, across the part of the Rural Sea, should only take an hour, or two, tops. It's been three hours."

"How do you know how long it's been? I've been napping on and off since we started sailing," I replied quizzically.

"I'm wearing a watch. Anyways, unless they're taking us back to Jadeland trying to get the police off their tail -"

"How do you know there are police following them?" I asked again.

"I just do!" Tam sounded on the verge of yelling.

"Okay, okay. Continue."

"Right. So, I doubt they are going back to Jadeland. I think they're taking the Stardust HMS to Clam Insula."

"What?" Now it was my turn to nearly yell. "Are you crazy?" Clam Insula was a small island with one of two portals from Jadeland to Earth. The only explanation for them was some type of worm hole - not the type that digs through the ground, but the type that theoretically exists in outer space. "Anyways, why would they want us on Earth?"

Tam didn't reply for a few seconds. Finally, her voice full of defeat, she said, "I don't know."

That came as a blow to me. Tamara always seemed to know, though she didn't always explain how. Her not knowing meant I had no choice but to walk blindfolded into a lion's den.

Two hours later, according to Tam, we arrived at our destination, bruised and battered. Clam Insula was a beautiful island with palm trees and sand that was almost as white as snow. The water was a beautiful turquoise, which was my favourite colour. It reminded me all of some storybook about mermaids.

"I'm lifting you up now," someone said to me. As my trunk rose up, I felt like a fly who could be squished at any moment by a flyswatter. What if the person carrying me decided to drop me?

A few minutes later I was set down again, back into a carriage, I guessed. Somebody unlocked my trunk, and it took my eyes a few seconds to adjust to the light.

"Up you get," the person said, and I realized it was the lady I thought was the leader of the slave traders. She helped me up, uncharacteristically kind. "You'll be wanting to look good for the interview."

What interview? Has she gone crazy? I wondered. She seemed to read my mind. "You'll find out soon."


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Fri Oct 13, 2017 10:44 am
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Danni88 wrote a review...



I'm back...

In this chapter the reader can really sympathise with Yasmine, which is always a good element to a story.

You also learn more about Tamara: she seems to know things that should be impossible to know. Is it a magic power? Is it some kind of enchanted object? Is she just very clever? Again, keeps you guessing.

As usual, a gripping ending! I have so many questions. What interview? With who? For what? And why are they being taken to Earth?

I am really excited now!

Best wishes, Danni xox




Hijinks says...


Teehee :)



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Fri Jul 07, 2017 7:27 am
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Iggy wrote a review...



Hi dear! Just a disclaimer that I have not read the earlier chapters, or part one. I'm just gonna give you a review based off of this chapter alone. :-)

First are the nitpicks:

Sometime during the boat ride, the water began to get choppy.


Add in that comma I emboldened.

"You know what's wrong with this?"


Add in the emboldened, as I'm sure you meant to have it in there originally, yes?

Besides the fact we've been kidnapped, are about to be sold as slaves, and a sliding all over the floor of a ship stuck in trunks?"


Eep! Don't forget your oxford comma! I added it in for you, but anytime you compare more than two things, always have a comma before the final "and".

now it was my turn to nearly yell.


Since this is right after a completed line of dialogue, you need to capitalize the N in now.

Clam Insula was a small Island


Decapitalize island, as it's not part of a proper noun.

The only explanation for them were some type of worm hole


Since "explanation" is singular, you would use "was" not "were".

It reminded me all of some storybook about mermaids.


It doesn't make sense to have the words "all" and then "some" in the same sentence. Pick one or the other.

someone said to me before up rose my trunk.


I would cut out the "before" and just turn "up rose my trunk" into a new sentence altogether. It will flow better that way.

I felt like a fly who could be squished at any moment


Add in the emboldened.


Okay so! Quickly, I want to address the absence of imagery in this piece. I know the main character is stuck in a trunk, but just because their view is blocked doesn't mean their other senses are dulled. Especially her hearing; they say losing one sense will intensify the other four, and I have to assume that your hearing is probably magnified if your eyesight is blocked. Focus on describing what they hear. They're at sea, so describe the waves, the shouts of the crew as they scurry around, the birds, etc. It feels so blah being as it is, like yeah, they're in a trunk but there's still life going on around them. Show us that; describe it to us and keep us entertained.

Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this! I'm curious to see what happens next c: I hope this review helped.

~Iggy




Hijinks says...


Thank you! I changed the nit picky stuff you mentioned, and later I'll try and go back and add more description :D



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Tue Jul 04, 2017 10:21 pm
Evander wrote a review...



Hey! I'm back with another quick review. Once again, let me know if there's anything you'd like me to specifically focus on in future reviews.

Half an hour into the boat ride the water began to get choppy.

Here, in this paragraph, Yasmine states that thirty minutes into the boat ride, sleeping became difficult given the roughness of the waters. However, she later questions Tamara's ability to know how long it was since they started sailing and then admits that she had been sleeping on and off. First, why doubt Tamara's ability to have a general sense of time if she had exhibited that knowledge just paragraphs before? Second, given the rough waters, how long was Yasmine really able to sleep?

She sounded relieved to here a fellow human's voice

Easy mistake to make! The word should be 'hear'.

"What? Besides the fact we've been kidnapped, are about to be sold as slaves and a sliding all over the floor of a ship stuck in trunks?"

I love this line! (Just remove the 'a' highlighted in red.) Even though I can't tell if it's supposed to be bitterly sarcastic or just a deadpan comment, it's still incredibly funny to me.

"I just do!" Tam sounded on the verge of yelling.

Wouldn't the other people on the boat be able to hear her?

"Anyways, why would they want us on Earth?"

Whaaat? So Jadeland is a... planet? And there's a way to reach Earth? Wow, I really hope there's some more elaboration about the history of Jadeland, how it connects to Earth, and how to the portals came to be.

While the information that Yasmine has is useful, I do have one question about it. How did she achieve all of this knowledge in the first place? Did she learn it by listening at the school? Did she have a friend who taught it to her? Did she learn it all as a young child before her house burned down?

She helped me up, uncharacteristically kind. "You'll be wanting to look good for the interview."

This definitely will be interesting to find out. Although, if Yasmine is heading to an interview, then why treat her so roughly previously and put her in a trunk? It definitely wouldn't help with looking presentable.

Side note, wouldn't Yasmine and Tamara be bruised from being rattled around in those trunks? Given the fact that the ride wasn't an easy one, it would make sense for some injuries here or there to occur. (That obviously wouldn't help with the interview process either.)

I do hope that you keep on writing!

-Castor




Hijinks says...


Thanks for all the input! I've actually planned all the questions you've asked so far, and there will be explanations later on - don't worry! Just a quick question, should I add more description? I'm so busy simply trying to get the plot down, sometimes I forget to describe stuff.



Evander says...


Yes, definitely add more description! If you want, I can highlight areas next chapter where I think more detail would be apt.




Wist is Ley's mind, confirmed
— WeepingWisteria