wowzers this is so good!! i didn't know you were a prose writer!!
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My name, Yasmine, doesn't really mean anything. It's just a flower. I'm not a flowery girl, I don't wear frills or laces or bows. Some people would call me tough, others, a tomboy. I disagree with both descriptions, though. Why does a girl have to so feminine or so boyish? Why can't she just be ... normal?
But those weren't the thoughts in my head as I watched from a safe distance, in a tree, as a professor showed a class of students how to become invisible. "You must contradict the laws of nature in order to cast spells. Only Jades have figured out how to do that, and that is why we are called Jades. I'm sure you all know what a jade symbolizes?" shade danced across the professor's face, cast by a tall, skinny tree.
"I do!" a young boy shouted.
"Raise your hand, Randolf!" the professor scolded, smiling. "What does it mean, then?"
"Wisdom! And, er, peace, I think."
"That is right," the professor said.
I had come to like the professor, who always had a smile and encouragement on hand. Everyday, from my perch in the tree, I not only expanded my repetoire of spells, but grew more and more familiar with the students and the professors that taught and learned there.
"A jade," the professor continued, "according to the Jadian curriculum, represents balance, peace, and wisdom. It is also legend that if you carry one in your pocket, it will deflect negativity - magical, mental, and otherwise malicious intents. It may, for all we know. Of course, it might also just be psychological. But that I will save for another lesson. To return to the previous topic, invisibility is actually one's body vibrating so fast that only Luckymonish can see them. Even then, Luckymonish can only see a glimmer in the air."
"You mean they aren't magical?" a small girl shouted. I had noticed she always shouted, though I couldn't possibly guess why. Little kids, I thought. An annoying fly buzzed around my head, and I batted it away. Doing so, I slid to the end of my branch and way forced to drop to the branch below. I thought I saw the professor glance up, but by the time I had regained my balance and I could actually look, nobody seemed to have noticed me.
"That is correct, Lydia," the professor resumed. "Actually, Luckymonish earned their name before the scientific methods behind invisibility were understood. They simply process more frames a second than Jades and humans and other Scareymons. But the history behind it should be saved for another professor to teach you. Anyhow, It's rather simple, children. First you have to get a wand from this bin," - here I watched as the professor held out a bin with different sized wands. When they got of age, I knew, they would go to the wand shop and get a sized wand that fit them.
I, however, am an outcast Jade. I never got a sized wand when I came to age. And all the spells I know come from watching the professors in the courtyard teach classes on magic. Seeing that this spell included a wand, which I didn't have, I began to lose interest. I plucked a dark green leaf that reminded me of a star from the tree. I ripped it in half, then in quarters, and then into eighths. Meanwhile, the professor continued to talk.
"No, Jessie, that wand's too big for you. Try this one. Mattew! Be gentle with these. If you break one, you owe me 100 cahjbres!" Anyone could tell the professor was joking, by the smile on her mouth and the joke in her voice. "Anyways. Have you all got one? Good. Hold them like this," she demonstrated, holding the wand - that I thought looked awfully like a straight stick - out in front on her. "Now twist it so it faces you. Focus, find a quiet deep within you. When you feel that, whisper 'invisibility'. Right. Try to find your quiet."
I watched, interested again. As the wind shifted directions, their conversation escaped my hearing. Carefully, a clambered down from the tree. I wonder if it'll actually work? Soon I heard the professor mumble invisibility, and then she disappeared, leaving a shimmer for a millisecond. It looked like heat reflecting off the roof of a house on a hot day, before she disappeared. Some of the older ones followed suit, while the younger ones seemed to go blurry before coming back into focus. Only one young one, Mattew, managed to actually disappear for several seconds. "Good job, Mattew!" the professor called from nowhere, literally. I watched from behind the tree as first she, and then the older ones who had disappeared, came back into focus. If only I had a wand, I yearned. I know I could master these spells and become a famous wizard. I could be world-renowned for my talent, and people from all across the continent would come to me for advice. Heck, I could work for the Jadian embassy on Earth! I pulled myself out of the useless musing and back into reality with a sigh.
The professor helped her students practice the spell a couple more times before dismissing them from academy. "Have fun on the weekend children! Oh! Rosa, will you stay here? I have something to ask you. See you, Lydia!"
"Bye!" Lydia shouted. I couldn't help but giggle at her
A tall girl, probably about ten, waited behind the rest. What round glasses she has, I mused while I took her in. Her hair reminded my strongly of a flaming bonfire, her eyes hidden from view behind some stray wisps of hair.
"Rosa!" the professor beamed. "I was wanting to find someone to lead a child run charity, called 'bring back bonnies'."
Bonnies, I remembered, was a term used to describe poor children, usually girls. In other terms, myself. Intrigued, I crawled closer to where they stood on the dusty brick patio, hiding myself behind a bush.
"Anywho," she continued, "I though you would be perfect! Seeing, as, of course, the latest leader retired as he was ... fifteen? I think. Wouldn't you be perfect, I thought. Oops! I already said that! Well? Would you do it for me? All those poor children out there," here she paused. I almost felt as though she were talking about me. "All those poor children must desperately want to come to school. I know I always did. And then the charity helped me out! It was the best thing that ever happened to me." I couldn't help but wonder if the charity might let me go to school. But I pushed that thought away, too proud to let the idea manifest itself.
The professor continued, "Come on! Say you will!"
Rosa smiled shyly. "Surely, Miss Lepra, you should choose someone else?"
"Come on!" Miss Lepra prodded. This shy girl, Rosa, was the first person I had ever heard anyone call the professor by her name. Everyone else simply called her 'the professor'. I rolled the thought around in my mind.
"Well ... ouyja." Rosa gave in.
Ouyja indeed! I thought. I guess 'yes' must be the English word for it.
I waited until Rosa and Miss Lepra disappeared into the regal, yellow-bricked academy building, before standing up from behind the bush. Deep in thought, and a bit less carefully than usual, I began to follow a dirt path towards the forest of N'ohia, which I called home.
wowzers this is so good!! i didn't know you were a prose writer!!
Hi! Just stopping by for a quick review.
I really like this story and would love to read more of it!
First of all, I like the professor being female. When I started reading it I assumed the professor was a man, but that was a good bit which caught me out.
Yasmine is a really good character. I think we need a bit more of a description of her appearance later on in the story, but otherwise I can't find any faults with her!
I like the way the reader knows nothing of her past, only that it she is an outcast Jade. I am sure this will become relevant later in the story.
"Well ... ouyja." Rosa gave in.
Hello there.
I see you've already gotten some nitpicks, so this review will be mainly my reader's opinion. Let's get started then ^^
Mainly, I think that you spent way too much time in the tree. At first it was okay, because you were setting up environment, but then it becomes repetitive and boring. Making it so that we're introduced to your MC as she is observing others creates a distance between her and the reader. I ended up being more interested in the class than the narrator.
I think it would benefit your first chapter greatly if you would cut a lot of the exposition and description and whatnot. Try and hook your readers early on with the conflict of your story. Readers need a reason to care about what's going on. And, often, they are not very patient with elongated introductions.
Okay, moving on. ^^
You have sparked my interest with the "Jades". I can see that there's a Hogwarts feel to this academy - not saying you are copying or anything. And, being banned, I'm interested to see how our MC keeps from being discovered and how she lives in N'ohia.
Side note, I love that name.
Just try to be sure that everything you put into your novel has a purpose. If you're going to mention that a fly buzzed around her, tie that event into the propulsion of your plot. Maybe she falls out of the tree while swatting at it. Maybe it's secretly a spy camera! Joking, but you get what I mean.
I'm not saying that everything has to have some secret motive, but I'm hoping you get the gist of what I'm saying. You could even use the fly to segway into a descriptive paragraph. Whatever you do, make it count.
Alright, I think that's enough.
You keep writing!
Sassy
Heyo! Welcome to YWS. I'm here for a quick review. Let's get started.
The dialogue in the first paragraph, while interesting, also feels a bit disjointed in places. The information, while needed in the grand scheme of things, is also presented in a way that doesn't allow for great immersion into the story. Instead of coming off as natural dialogue, it ends up sounding forced. This sentence, "Only Jades can do that, and that is why we are called Jades[...]" seems to be the culprit in my mind. However, the following sentence does seem to be a bit out of place as well.
First question: What level are these students in this world's given educational curriculum? If they're already learning something such as turning invisible, wouldn't it make sense for them to already have a working understanding of what it meant to be a Jade? While these students are shown to be children, explaining the meaning of being a Jade here sounds a bit forced. I'd recommend rewriting the introduction, trying to rework in how the introduction to the symbolization of a jade is necessary for the readers to know right at the start.
"Lucky-daddies" and "Scareydaddies" are almost a bit out of place? I can't tell if these would be the common names for these... creatures? Ranks of people? (I can't tell and the work itself doesn't seem to specify.) The names really remind me of daddy long legs (cellar spiders), but I'm not sure if that's the intended connection that the reader is supposed to make. Honestly, the names sound a bit childish. Also, if Lucky-daddies are hyphenated, wouldn't it make sense for Scarey-daddies to also be hyphenated? One more thing, since I can't tell if it was on purpose or not, but scary doesn't have an 'e' in it.
The paragraph where the professor is trying to convince Rosa to run Bring Back Bonnies is a bit lengthy, along with having repetitive details in it.
"I was wanting to find someone to lead a children run charity, called 'bring back bonnies',"
[...]Seeing, as, of course, the latest leader retired as he was ... fifteen? I think. Wouldn't you be perfect, I thought.
I couldn't help but wonder if the charity might let me go to school.
I guess 'yes' must be the English word for it. Wasn't 'oui' the French word, or something?
Deep in thought, and a bit less carefully than usual, I began to follow a dirt path towards the forest of n'ohia, which I called home.
"Good job Mattew!"
"Come one!" the professor, or apparently Miss Lepra, prodded.
her eyes hid from view behind some stray wisps of hair.
Hey just stopping by for a quick review! As always parts of these comments are my opinions, so feel free to ask for any clarification!
I'm sure you all know what a jade symbolizes?" the professor asked. A tree cast shade across half of the professor's face.
It is also legend that if you carry one in your pocket, it shall deflect negativity. It may, for all we know. Of course, it might also be psychological. But that I shall save for another lesson.
"Aren't Lucky-daddies lucky, though?" a small girl shouted.
professor held out a bin with un-sized wands.
I, however, am an outcast. I never got a sized wand when I came to age. And all the spells I know come from watching the professors in the courtyard teach classes on magic. Seeing that this spell included a wand, which I didn't have, I began to lose interest. I plucked a leaf from the tree. It looked like a star, except is was a dark green. I ripped it in half, then in quarters, and then into eighths. Meanwhile, the professor continued to talk.
"No, Jessie, that wand's too big for you. Try this one. Mattew! Be gentle with these. If you break one, you owe me 100 cahjbres!" Anyone could tell the professor was joking, by the smile on her mouth and the joke in her voice.
that I though looked awfully like a straight stick
Focus, find a quiet deep within you. When you feel that, whisper 'invisibility'. 'Vibrate' also works, but we're sticking with 'invisibility'. Right. Try to find your quiet."
Soon I heard the professor mumble invisibility, and then she disappeared, leaving a shimmer for a millisecond, like heat reflecting off the roof of a house on a hot day, before there was no trace of her.
Her hair reminded my strongly of a smoke-free fire, but her eyes were hid from view behind some loose strands of hair.
a children run charity
called 'bring back bonnies'," bonnies, I remembered,
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