*Just a little something I wrote within 5 minutes in Creative Writing with only a picture. Hope you enjoy*
I sat tied to a chair, the sea dancing at my feet, when she floated out of the water like a graceful goddess. Her body glistened from the many jewels that clung to her. Not a single drop of water rolled off of her golden form. I was completely mesmerized by her deep green eyes and daring smile. As she grew closer, I noticed the patches of scales that ran up her thick thighs. She reached out with clawed fingers to caress my cheek.
"Hello, Love." She hissed seductively ever so quietly, sending shivers down my spine.
I couldn't even answer my throat closed as she took it in her hands. I didn't feel a thing as she dug her sharp nails into my skin. I just knew there was a beautiful creature killing me and I liked it too much. She knew I was hurting though.
"Oh, Darling, are you hurting?" She hissed again, this time louder and baring fangs for teeth. "I'm sorry, let me help you."
She moved her head slowly closer to mine, grabbing my face in her hands. I knew for sure she was going to kiss me. She did, her soft moist lips meeting mine in a haste kiss. She leaned back to look me in the eyes with a devilish grin before kissing my lips again. She left trails of kisses to my neck before ripping at my throat.
The last thing I felt before slipping into that deep dark abyss was my blood spurting out adding life to my mysterious sea goddess. She hisses my name before returning to her home, with my blood forever on her hands.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well this a powerful little story for something that's as short as this one was....oh yeah...its just so short and just absolutely right to the point that I really did like it. Well more details down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...wel...quite an interesting start there...a nice and serene landscape of sorts there just laid out like and then it being disturbed by this mysterious creature...well...this should lead to some interesting things...seems like a pretty good opening scene so far...let's see where it ends up taking us.
Oh dear...well...that's a terrifying prospect...reminds me of one of those sirens from mythology...oh well...this poor dude is about to get himself torn apart by the looks of it and it looks like there's nothing that he can do about it...oh dear.
Uh oh...she went straight for the kill there and its lovely to see just how totally powerless he is to do anything about it...and the fact that he just accepts it without question is also quite interesting to see..definitely showcasing what kind of power this goddess commands here.
Okay...wow...well that was quite a strong ending there...definitely showcases some interesting characteristics there with the blood here fuelling this sea goddess somehow and then mentioning the blood remaining forever on here hands. Well, it was quite a fun little story at any rate.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall..this was definitely a very interesting story to read, and quite enjoyable too...well...you know what I mean. At any rate, that's about all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Despite how short it is, it is rather enjoyable to read. But I must point out something.
You put 'She knew I was hurting though." Which was fine, but right after that put '"Oh, Darling, are you hurting?"'
I just found that a bit weird and sort of a turn off. But I'm picky about stuff like that so it might be perfectly fine.
Bye!
~BookWolf
I guess I did that to show that she really knew and that he knew it too. It does sound a little off now that you've pointed that out. Thank you for the review.
This one was fun and really short, though even with two characters there was really no development. Just "hi there" and death. Though that's really what evil mermaids or sirens or whatever you want to call them are all about in any kind of mythology. For five minutes of writing I would say you did a decent job creating this short story so thank you for this interesting read.
Aww no thank you.
This is the funnest review I've ever read, I thank you dearly for it.
Your welcome! I hope it helped some!
I am really impressed that you made all of this off of a picture, and in five minutes, never the less! The only thing I can really find wrong with this is the sentences:
"...again. Trailing kisses towards my neck. Before I knew it..." I think you want to turn that into two sentences instead of three. Maybe add a comma and say:
"She left a trail of kisses to my neck, before ripping at my throat..." or something along those lines... is that helpful? Otherwise, it is stellar! Keep up the good work!
Thank you for your advice I'll see what I can do. I glad you like it.
This is really great!
That was creepy, but it was really good. It would be cool if you wrote a whole novel about this sea goddess. She would make a good villain, attacking sailors lost at sea and befriending children and young men, then dragging them to their doom. Just thought I'd make a suggestion. Toodles!!!!!!!!
I like your suggestion very much. Thank you.
You are very welcome.
Hello! 15253 here for a review!
First off, compliments! Because this is pretty much how i start every review!
Ok so, I love how you describe the sea in the first paragraph, you show where the character is in such a beautiful way an yet short enough not to interrupt the flow of the story. I love how I can see the Sea Goddess, almost as if she was real, that was also really good writing on your part. Anyhow, onto Criticisms.
I have to agree with dragonpheonix on this one, the scales on her thigh part comes out a bit weird but you already fixed that didn't you. In the dialogue the Sea goddess starts all her sentences off with Darling. Its usually better to not use the same word twice. Maybe you can look at synonyms to replace Darling.
Well, thats all. Have fun and keep writing!
Thank you
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Ooh, flash fiction. Lemme see, lemme see!
(The brevity of the writing has been acknowledged and accounted for.)
The wording here is a little off. Slightly, but noticeable. "Scales in patches" was rather choppy, and on first reading felt like there were literal, cloth patches of scales (like, fish scales, but made of cloth). You could say "patches of scales running up her thighs." On the "thick thighs" note, though it is alliterative, because of how short the piece is, it doesn't seem to fit. You could easily drop it without really affecting the story. That's just a suggestion though.
Did she actually hiss afterwards, or did she hiss the words? And how did she hiss them? Last semester my CW teacher pointed out that, unless there's an 's' sound at the end, you can't really hiss a word. So assuming she hissed once she'd stopped talking, that part of the comment's irrelevant.
Other minor detail to point out. Hissing is rarely quiet. Especially those stupid s's that shriek out when you don't want them to. So that's just something to consider.
Minor comma splice.
Comma splice here as well, but I think this one's just the last of an -ing. Putting "meeting" instead of "met," so it reads "her soft, (comma helps there) moist lips meeting mine," flows a lot smoother, and makes the comma work for you.
Overall, you've got this really interesting snippet of a story that you could really expand. It'd be interesting to hear more about how the MC got into that position and met the mermaid/sea creature. Good job.
Hope this helps!
Thank you for your advice, I'll see what I can do.
Commenting again. I went back and tried to fix what you suggested. Thanks again for your help.
This was eerily written, giving it a creepy, beautiful air. It is short, but the short length works. I enjoyed the attentive detail you gave in describing her beauty because you wouldn't expect such a beautiful creature to cause harm. The ending was a great conclusion. He dies a terrible death, but he is content and the ending is almost romanticized with "the blood forever on her hands." Great job.
Thank you!
Wow, this is really good for something you did in just five minutes! I only have a few suggestions, and they're all nitpicks, so bear with me.
1. In the first, sentence (I've shortened it, sorry about that), " I sat tied to a chair, the sea dancing at my feet when she..." I think it should be, " I sat tied to a chair, the sea dancing at my feet, when she…"
2. You used some words repeatedly, like this: "Her body glistened from the gold and jewels that clung to her. Not a single drop of water rolled off of her golden form." You use 'gold' and 'golden' one sentence after the next.
3. Sometimes you forget commas where I think you should have them. For instance, "Oh Darling" and "Hello Darling" Then again, I use commas way too much, so… :/
Really great--I'm amazed at the quality of a five-minute piece.
-IronSpark
Well thank you for your review. I like what you did in number one! It sounds really good and I could use it, if you don't mind haha. I did noticed the "gold" and "golden" bit, I just never fixed it. I do have a comma problem and I'm never sure where to put them. Thanks again for your review.