Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
One day I want you to read this, hell one day I might read it to you. You know today has been a terrible day for us. We held on by a simple thread, scared of letting go and losing one another. That's not something we want, we want forever. All day it's been back and forth, "What are we gonna do?" Constant crying from the both of us. I think I'd rather be pregnant, at least we'd know exactly what we'd have to do, but I'm not pregnant and it's not that simple. Living two hours away doesn't make it any easier. You're going to school and working all the time. When will you have time for me? I hate not talking to you but I'm also very understanding that you're doing this for our future. College was never something you thought about until you met me. We want that near perfect life. A life that is far better than our parent's. A life that gives our kids the things we never got growing up. We know it's going to be hard but I'm willing to get over it and get through it because I love you. I know you love me too because why else would you be going to college? A simple FaceTime spreads a smile on my face. Not only did I smile but you did too. You never seem to smile nowadays and seeing those pearly whites just stopped time. Ha, I never believed in that, "time stops when I'm with you" bullshit but here I am thinking. Thinking that seeing you smile stopped time and how it was only you and I. One day it will be just the two of us. All our fears will be gone and we'll have nothing to worry about. I promise baby, we'll get through this, just keep smiling for me.
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140,388 Literary Works • 673,150 Reviews
HiImAndy, lookie here! Wisegirl22 couldn't bear it, so she came over to review!
Hmmmm...language...stuff...knowing stuff...more stuff...a buncha other stuff...smiles...okay! Welp, that looks about right. I'll see you later, this will be great!
Nope, nooooo, just kidding. I actually found a mistake! *Gasp* Okay. Well...you need an "at" before "least. Two lovely words make a phrase. You also need a comma or a period after "do". Basically a normal, usual run-on sentence.
"...least we'd know exactly what we'd have to do but I'm not pregnant and it's not that simple."
The ending was original, and I think you can really keep writing in your career. Become n author like J.K. Rowling, and you'll be a Millionaire! Isn't that great? Besides, you need the awesomeness. Normal life is just too bad for you.
-wisegirl22
I will definitely fix those mistakes, thanks for the keen eye! If I could ever finish something I write then I will become an author. Until then I will keep trying. Thank you for the review.
You're welcome! I know how you feel, I have three chapter books unfinished and in the Green Room. Waaaahh!
I don't know how many notebooks I have piled in my closest collecting dust. Plus things I've saved on my phone and thumb drive. It's just so ugh!
I know!
Wow! Great job. I loved reading this.
Well done and keep up the great work
Thank you.
Hey there!
So, its a nice story and you can go a gazillion different places with it, but it jumps around a little too much to only be using we, me, and I. I loose myself a little when trying to figure out exactly what which one is referring too. If you are going to stick with the we's the entire way through then do it and have the last sentence have an I. I think it will make the relationship a lot stronger looking and the last sentence much more punctual. But other than that, excellent job- keep it up!
That's the problem, the relationship isn't that strong at all but thank you I'll see what I can do.
Just write as much as you possibly can in a brain dump and then sew it together and delete what you don't want, but you have to write it and wait a day or too in order to see the mistakes.
good luck!
Yeah I know that. I've been writing my whole life just no ones ever seen it besides my grandmaw and best friend who writes too. It's pretty nerve racking but I appreciate everything everyone says. Thanks again.
The emotion of the narrator really comes through your writing. It is like you're only reading one half of the story and it leaves a lot to be filled in by the reader, which is lots of fun for the reader! The honesty and simplicity of the narrator's voice helps that a lot.
There are a few lines I adored.
"I think I'd rather be pregnant, least we'd know exactly what we'd have to do. Move in and keep the baby but I'm not pregnant and it's not that simple." That's a strong slap to the face of a line. Pregnancy is a big deal, so you know the reader has strong feelings about the current situation.
"College was never something you thought about until you met me." Again, it shows how strongly the characters feel for each other without even mentioning love.
"A simple FaceTime spreads a smile on my face." Without reading the rest of the piece, I can infer that someone has gone away and that the narrator needs them to feel happy.
In my opinion, if you want to make this a stronger piece, take out some of the lines that go into more detail about this couple's situation. I find that sometimes less is more. You can tell a stronger story in five words better than you can in twenty if you're good at it. For example, take the two sentences about her wish to be pregnant. If you take out the "Move in and keep the baby" you would be left with ""I think I'd rather be pregnant, least we'd know exactly what we'd have to do, but I'm not pregnant and it's not that simple." This tells the reader the same amount of emotion as the original line, but leaves some fun gaps for the reader to infer and ask questions. It creates suspense or gravity.
Now that's just suggestion. You still have a strong piece here that is very intriguing to read. Good job!
Wow thank you so much & great advice. I'll see what I can do! Thank you for the review too.