Last Line(s): The man’s abnormally large eyes had black slits for pupils and blood-red irises. He cocked his head, then he grinned, revealing his white teeth and sharp fangs.
Chapter 2
“Good afternoon.” Akolxohez said. “It’s a pleasure to finally have someone drop by.”
Will stared, but when he realized he had been doing so for too long, he looked away and held on to Audrey’s hand, more to reassure himself than to reassure her. Audrey smiled. “‘Afternoon… Akolchez?” she wasn’t exactly sure how you would pronounce such a confusing name. “How do you pronounce your name?”
“Whatever way you want, miss.” he smiled, his eyes glistening - you could almost see a star like shape flash beside his slit-pupils. Audrey raised her brow at the waiter. She almost snapped out a rude remark but held her tongue when Will squeezed her hand.
“Two italian pizza slices, please, and a can of Sprite.” she said before turning on her heel and dragging Will with her towards a corner in the restaurant. The two sat down.
“What the heck is wrong with that man?” Audrey scowled at the direction of the door where Akolxohez had gone through. “He dare talk to Audrey Winchester in such a way.”
Will smiled at her anger and rubbed the back of her hand. “I’ll tear every limb off his body if he touches you.”
Audrey smirked at his reply but kept watching the door that Akolxohez had gone through. He was certainly an odd man and Audrey had a bad feeling about him - the way she did for everyone.
“Did you…” Will let go of Audrey’s hand and clasped his own together. “Did you see his… eyes?”
Audrey swiveled around to look at him, her lips turned down into a frown. “What? They’re black, yeah, I know.”
It was Will’s turn to frown. Why was she so surprised to see a man like him, then?
“But he has -” Audrey started.
“Fangs, yeah.” Will finished.
“He’s odd, that one.” she commented. Will nodded. He had seen red eyes. They were blood red. Maybe he was seeing things? No, never. He knew he had seen red eyes, but… maybe he had stared too long and the sunlight streaming through the windows had played tricks on him? He shrugged away the thought and watched his wife glare at the door.
He could see her jaw tense, and untense, tense again, then untense. Her hair was on her back, her natural blonde waves perfect. His gaze flitted over to her ears - two piercings on her earlobe. Audrey suddenly looked back at Will nervously when the door swung open.
“He’s back.” she muttered angrily.
Will cocked his head, amused. “Scaredy-cat.” he mocked.
When Akolxohez reached them with the plate of pizza in one hand and the can of Sprite in the other, Will gawked at him. His clothes had changed. Completely. Instead of rags, he was now wearing a tuxedo and he had combed back his blonde-white hair (that, admittedly, reminded Audrey of Draco Malfoy).
Either all he did was change and freshen up while they were waiting, or he had made the pizza. There was no way he had done both things at once. Unless Akolxohez was a multi-tasker or he just did things quickly. He flashed a sick smile. “Your two slices of italian pizza -” he put down the plate “- and a can of Sprite.” he put that down as well. “Would you like straws?”
“Sure.” Will answered the same time Audrey said no.
He put one hand behind his back and brought it back in front of him, revealing two fancy-nancy straws. “I came here to eat, not to watch some illusionist play tricks on me.” Audrey snapped, snatching them both from his hands.
Akolxohez smiled and left once again.
Will looked at Audrey, frowning. “What was the need of that, Aud? You’re being rude, just because you thought he was trying to flirt with you and he didn’t even do so.” he said, exasperated. “Stop being so down, princess.”
Audrey jutted out her jaw. “He’s annoying. And he looks ridiculously familiar too which is irritating me all the more.” Audrey crossed her arms over her chest.
“He was entertaining you, Aud.” Will said, smiling meekly. “Have some pizza now, or I’ll keep myself hungry too.” He held out his arm over the table with a slice of pizza in his hands for her to eat from. Sighing, Audrey reluctantly took a bite.
“Atta girl.”
Audrey smiled.
***
After a while at Italian Heaven, the couple walked home under the cloudless sky. There was a cool breeze that sent chills up their spines - it didn’t feel normal, especially after seeing a man like Akolxohez. They turned a corner and their little house was in sight. “Will?”
“Hm?”
“I… I think I know where I saw Akolxohez.” she said quietly, shuffling closer to Will.
“Yeah?”
“In my dream.”
Will froze. Audrey turned around to look at him. “In a dream?” Will furrowed his brows.
“Yeah.” she looked down, and Will continued walking with her. “I think he was talking about… uh… some contract?”
“Contract? Aud, what are you on about?” Wil said.
“I’m not kidding.” Audrey sighed. “H-he said that something was in danger and he needed our help.”
“You shouldn’t read too much fantasy.” Will commented. “This is what happens.” he laughed, giving her a one-armed hug and continued walking to their house.
Audrey smacked his arm away. “I’m not joking.” she pouted.
“Alright, alright, let’s just talk about it later, can we?” he said. They reached the house and Will unlocked the front door.
The rest of the day dragged on. Audrey continued painting, her hands moving across the canvas comfortably. Once in a while, she paused to have a break or a snack. Will continued to search for different publishing companies around London to see if anyone was hiring. He didn’t take breaks. They were desperate for money.
Later that night, the couple retired to their bedroom. Will had a restful sleep. Audrey? Not so much.
“Will!” she screamed, bolting upright in bed. Will’s eyes flashed open. He got up and looked over at Audrey.
“Aud?”
Audrey was breathing hard, her chest heaving up and down. Sweat was dripping off her forehead. Her hair was a matted mess. And her eyes were wide open like a doe’s. “I-I…” she looked around frantically. “I had a nightmare…” she breathed.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world)
I'm back to run through your story. Let's see how far we get before the end of review day, shall we?
First Impression: Classic bit of expectation subversion there to start off with them taking that in stride. That was a nice change from the norm. And I spell some deeper elements linked to those nightmares or maybe I've read too much of felistia's work(those things are packed with hidden clues)
Anyway let's get to it,
Well like I mentioned earlier you gotta iron out those POV's a bit and separate the thoughts from the rest of the story or it gets a bit difficult to follow, not impossible, you're writing flows smoothly enough that you can see the POV changes, it's just that some parts you have to read twice to figure out whose thinking what and with a story that's as exciting as this appears to be getting you don't want people having to read through a part twice.
Bit of a nitpick but when you say italian pizza that applies to like a hundred different variations so you'd be better off saying some specific type here. I mean you literally said Sprite instead of soda so changing that to pepperoni or something like that would be better.
Well that's interesting.
Well this is a really interesting development.
Nice reference there.
So far this relationship between the couple is shown really well. You can tell they've been married for several years and the dialogue flows really well.
This is great advice. When I write reviews a 1am I swear that I get up every five minutes to investigate every weird noise in the house.
Nice little cliffhanger again.
Overall Pretty good scene. The way you portray Will's human sense of trying to fit weird things to a normal setting is great. He's already convinced himself that he saw nothing out of the ordinary. So that's spot on. The characters are being developed pretty nicely. I don't see a plot yet so I'll take about that in the later chapters.
As always remember to take what you think is helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
xD Thanks for the review! I'm enjoying them.
Your Welcome!!!
Hola! I'm Myth and I'll be reviewing your chapter (sweat delight) today. Well, you told me to drop comments as I go so I thought that I could just review each chapter of your book a day, and here I am, and I absolutely LOVE IT!
Before I got all professional(not really) with a review, I'd like to say that Audrey and Will are the CUTEST and they're just the best couple ever. Okay.
I didn't find any grammatical or pace flaws in the story and there's really nothing wrong with how the plot's been going so far. I'd say that you've got great talent when it comes to feeling your characters and building their relationships because the way Audrey and Will's relation's been going so far, there are these unique radiant points in parts of your story. Let me give you an example.
It's just beautiful in its very own unique way; all these instances and "radiance" just doesn't describe it right. I know I'm going a bit deep into their relationship, but I'm just in love with how well it's being "painted".
And to the strange encounter in "Italian Heaven". Okay, I can't pronounce this... Akolxohez... Well, he seems mysterious enough. And when Audrey mentioned that he was in her dreams, my head passed out. No, just my head. It's just your plot. It's all VERY well placed and I mean it. I didn't read any of the other reviews, so I don't know if I'm repeating any points. Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading the rest.
KEEP WRITING!!!!
Yours sincerely,
Myth
EEE thanks for the review!! So glad you're enjoying this. :]
Hey Libby, Lib, LIbs, Ty, Bert, Libber, Libster, Ibbs, and whatever other names I can think of.
I do this with everyone and it gets confusingI'm here because I wanted to see what happens next, and you're an awesome storyteller! Let me just get to itWill stared, but when he realized he had been doing so for too long, he looked away and held on to Audrey’s hand, more to reassure himself than to reassure her.
Um, you used reassure twice! Comfort, hearten, ease the worry, etc all could have been used. And you really didn't need a second one.
And, unrelated: Akolxohez reminds me of Azkaban. Not a critique, just a fun thought!
Star like is star-like. Hehe I get way too happy correcting your grammar.
One suggestion, make a sign in the story saying Take-Out or delivery is unavailable. It'll eliminate the thought of them getting creeped and ordering to-go, therefore a better less holed plot.
Audrey smirked at his reply but kept watching the door that Akolxohez had gone through. He was certainly an odd man and Audrey had a bad feeling about him - the way she did for everyone.
The first sentence is too short, while the second is a run on.
Audrey smirked at his reply but kept watching the door that Akolxohez had gone through; he was certainly an odd man. Audrey had a bad feeling about him - the way she did for everyone.
Yo, there's these really bad tornadoes and thunderstorms around and I'm kinda getting freaked out but I haven't checked the news and I'm distracting myself.Your two slices of italian pizza -” he put down the plate “- and a can of Sprite.” he put that down as well. “Would you like straws?”
This would be better as a paragraph alone! And Italian should be capitalized.
Check news, 60 mph winds, hail, and storms... Yay...Another thing I noticed, dialogue tags. You use a lot. A rule of thumb is, if the reader knows who's speaking, they are unnecessary. Cut back on them will help the flow, though it is better this chapter!
Also, this Ak guy sounds kinda scary and rude, but I like him. He's realistic and the Winchester's reactions are realistic! Good job!
“Hm?”
“I… I think I know where I saw Akolxohez.” she said quietly, shuffling closer to Will.
“Yeah?”
“In my dream.”
Ahh! A perfect example of no dialogue tags. It feels like a real couple conversing and it’s so nice to have the story progress without needless actions! One suggestion, since it is only the two of them, use he and she more often. It's less of a choppy read that way.
“Contract? Aud, what are you on about?” Wil said.
Two L's!
OVERALL:
Ooh, the plot thickens! I liked this chapter and I'm growing closer to the characters, I can't wait to see the rest! I enjoyed this and don't have many complaints. Moving on to three now!
Jade
Thank you so much!! Also thanks for the nitpicks hehe. xD
I hope the wind dies down - stay safe!Hey!
Things are getting more exciting here. Before starting this one I thought there's going to be an attack on the couple but things came out to be in a different way. The dialogue exchange between the two is really well written. I found myself smiling at this particular line
Audrey has become all anxious with this spooky encounter at the restaurant.
The apprehension in Audrey's mind is slowly developing more as she is reminded of her strange dreams from where she recalls seeing Akolxohez.
The chapter ends again on a suspense note, a nightmare! I like how you are not dragging the chapters with unnecessary details and building the plot slowly but in an interesting way.
Loved it.
Thanks for the review! <3
If the last chapter didn't make me love Akolxohez, Will and Audrey, this chapter definitely did. <3
I love how Will's the one who sees all of the weird things about Akolxohez, but it's Audrey who has the dream with him. I'm going to go back on my original theory - Akolxohez's totally a demon. I'm calling it now.
(By the way, I love how their last name is Winchester! I saw it and immediately thought of Supernatural.)
Heya Hedwiggle!
Haha so I'm loving this.
Based off the last chapter's ending, I really thought something bad was going to happen - and I like how everything seems to go okay (it was an OH YIKES --> nahhh) moment. Although obviously there's something very peculiar going on with Akolxohez.
Speaking of Akolxohez, I'm not sure how I feel about his name lool. I love weird names, especially in fantasy, but I'm not sure how to pronounce it (although the characters seem to be in the same boat lolol). But yes, hopefully my man Akolxohez will get a nickname down the line? Or maybe he's just ~introductory demon~ and he's not very significant in the first place.
I was a liiitle disappointed that Akol's familiarity was from Audrey's dream. I thought it was going to be, like, "Oh, I saw him on my trip to New York" or some weird coincidence. Although maybe I'll see where these dreams take us because it does seem like they may play a big role (does Akol enter dreams? Or is she some sort of psychic/got some weird powers?).
One last thing I wanted to say was that I wasn't too bothered by Audrey and Will's reaction to Akol. Okay, yeah, he's a weird dude and he's got creepy eyes and teeth, but their reaction seemed pretty reasonable: they were spooked, trying to make sense of it.... maaaaybe it's a costume? So yeah, I overall liked the way they responded to him.
That's about it for the review! I'm really curious to see the direction this story is going to go (is Akolxohez a good guy? Bad guy? Neither? Why did Audrey dream him before they met?). So many questions, which is great because it keeps the reader reading.
Peace,
~EternalRain
Thanks for the review!!
EverLight here with a review! My critique is not meant to hurt you, offend you, or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned-you may feel offended anyway
Reactions
Hmmm...you don't spare your readers the cliffhangers do you?Darn that! Now I have a millions questions!
The Review
You left off with this-
Then you continue with this-
I can see how those two sentences would be connected, but I felt like your continuation left a lot wanting. I was expecting something bad to happen to the two of them. Such as Akolxohez attacking them or something...
I also have some issues with this passage-
Will's disbelief is apparent in this passage, but I felt like this whole exchange was too short. It's like they went through the motions of disbelief but without grasping the meaning.
On a positive note, it was good to see some good old, Aud/Will interactions here-
I just love Will and Aud together! They're so cuuuttte!!! You've definitely done a good job developing the relationship between the two. I applaud you for that...but What about that back story? I remember you saying that there would be one on the second chapter. Unless I'm mistaken?
On yet another positive note you've done a good job keeping up the suspense. Which is saying something! Not a lot of writers can write suspense properly <3
Right, now let's talk Akolxohe.
I must know one very important, life-saving thing-how the heck do you pronounce that name, and how did you come up with it? That said, I'll proceed with the critique.
I think his character is very pronounced-he's a ''cool kid'' in a creepy kind of way. But I felt like he could be creepier. And what about Audreys' and Will's reaction? They didn't react in fear, but they weren't' exactly calm. It would have been more gripping it they'd reacted properly (ie. screaming, etc). I mean, this man has sharp fangs, and black eyes that apparently have star shaped irises-I'd be running for my life. Unless there's something I'm missing here?
Overall, you did a masterful job!
As always, you are encouraged to keep writing!
Ever out
Thanks for the review! It was really helpful!
Your welcome! I'm glad it helped
Hi Lib!
This will be a quick review. I'll get right to it.
The chapter manages to build on the interest. The reader's on the same page as Will and Audrey as to how to feel about Akolxohez (yes, I copied and pasted the name). He seems to have a charm but the creepy type of charm. But the reality of his nature can still be quite different. I'm guessing he has mind-manipulation abilities, he can affect one's perspective and maybe even reach into someone's dreams, unless Audrey is a clairvoyant of some sort.
I think we're following Will's POV in the chapters. He's seeing blood-red eyes. I think only Audrey saw the stars (flashing in an animated fashion) and it pissed her off. The perspective seemed to switch there and it was a little confusing.
I want to know more about this world and about Will and Audrey's backstory. I'm not fully caught up with the show, so are they characters that I don't know? Either way, I know it's just the first couple chapters but I'd like to see how aware they are of the strangeness of their world. Their reaction to Akolxohez was somewhere in the middle, they weren't running out of the restaurant but they weren't calm either, I want to understand what that means. I do think the clarifications will come as we progress, I'm intrigued all the same.
Excelsior!
~MAS
Real quick: I meant the POV to not just be in Will's POV but in Audrey's POV as well. I dunno if that's allowed in story writing but I was just going with it.
And this isn't a fanfiction of the show - I actually couldn't think of any other title so I used this as a working title. Sorry if it confused you. xD A
And about Akolxohez: he is trying to play mind games. :p
Thanks for the review! They're helpful.
Got it. I think it's totally allowed. I might've gotten a little nitpicky there.
The title (I forgot that you mentioned in the author's note in the previous chapter that it's just a working title) and their surname had me convinced that it's related to the show. No more confusion there.
And anytime!
Hello again!
Thanks for tagging me! I like the direction this story is going, especially with Audrey seeing Akolxohez in her dream, but I'm a little confused about the first part. In the beginning it seems like Will's shocked, and Audrey's fine with him, then Audrey gets super mad because he's flirting with her, and Will is defending him. Then Will saw red eyes, while Audrey only saw black, but she is more angry and distrustful than Will. And when they're walking home, Audrey seems scared, but Will is totally fine with it.
Anyways, aside from a little bit of confusion on where they stand with Akolxohez, this chapter was really interesting, and I liked the ending!
-Gnomish
Ah, I totally get what you mean. Thanks for the review!