Prologue – How Scarlet came to be
When Miss Alia Catherine entered the palace for the first time, all eyes were turned on her. It was undoubtedly the beauty she seemed to radiate, making everyone around her, seem average at the most. Her large blue eyes, full pink lips, curly baby blond hair coupled nicely with her graceful posture. Every young man admired this beauty that brought happiness to every room she entered.
It was just the way her parents wanted it. To have their daughter help them climb in society. She, having an exceptional beauty, but hardly any intelligence, was unaware of the plan her parents had. She was presented to the court as a lady in waiting to Princess Annabelle. The princess was not too thrilled to have her scarce beauty clouded by this angel, so she easily despised her, causing life for the young girl to be very hard.
It was a cold October night, the night of a great ball where Ms. Alia’s life was changed forever. The princess had, of course, ditched her the first moment she could and then she was left roaming the crowded ball room, alone.
She sat through the first dance, which almost never happened, as she always had a partner. She took no notice as everyone stared at her, wondering why such beauty sat all alone.
That’s when Count Shenrik approached her. He was hardly what you’d call handsome with his square jaw, lean body, brown eyes and brown hair, yet he was not ugly, either. He smiled at her and asked her to dance with him. She agreed, as she didn’t want to sit through another dance. He danced with her through the entire night, never looking at another girl. It all happened very quickly then, they were married less than a year later.
By the time the count had realized how shallow his wife was, she had already given him a daughter. Scarlet Anne was a beautiful young baby, that somewhat bonded the troubled couple. In the years to come, they learned to love each other truly, his intelligence evening out her beauty, so it was a huge blow to the countess when her husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. The cause is still unknown, although many believe it to be a suicide.
It was that day that she swore to fulfill her husband’s desire; she believed it to be his last. He wanted Scarlet to marry someone with the rank of a duke or higher. She would do it no matter what.
Chapter 1
The castle looked magnificent when you looked at it from outside. It was by no means as large as any of the other castles in Velekrikorn, yet it was the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. It was painted in a soft golden color and it had scarlet roses growing on its walls. There was a vast garden stretching out before it ,full of rose bushes ,red roses .They were favorites of countess Alia Catherine Shenrik ,the widow who lived there with her adolescent daughter ,countess Scarlet Anne Shenrik.
To the countess, nothing was more important than her daughter’s welfare in life and with the not too feministic views she had, it was no wonder she thought there was no other way but to marry her daughter off to someone rich. Her life had been controlled by her parents for most of the time and she had certain unshakable ideas about life and her meaning into it.
To sixteen year old Scarlet the castle had been more of a prison cell than anything else for two years now. Her mom had made her fate quite clear and nothing Scarlet would say would shake her mum’s ludicrous ideas away. She tried, in vain to explain to her mum how there was no way her mum could make her do anything she didn’t want to, and that her fate had already been decided by herself, she was going to find the book.
It was a mystical treasure, with empty pages that were said to possess a power to no measure. It was said that once a person wrote a wish in it, no matter what that wish might be, that wish will most certainly came true. However, only one person had been known to have written in the book. His desire had been for people to learn of the book, to know that exists and it had happened. The legend said that people all over Velekrikorn heard the strange ,mystical voice that seemed to echo all over the lands : The desire has been fulfilled ,the book has been found ,the book of the impossible is not just a legend ,not just a legend ,I repeat ,Sir Rion has found it and made it useful. The book will remain here to serve the brave .” – Nothing is known of the man’s fate after that .Only the fact that the book is still there is known and people have set out on dangerous journeys. The casualties were many. No one has returned. Everyone has been looking in vain, but Scarlet knew that it was her destiny, her fate. The instant she heard about the book she felt a need, no that wasn’t the right word, she felt a craving to find it. It was vital for her to find it. Nothing would stop her. No amounts of persuasions were enough to make her give up. It was like she was bound to the book, like her whole being was centered around it for the rest of her life and nothing else mattered.
Chapter 2
Sunday morning saw Scarlet lying across the bed, while her ladies in waiting, Marie and Savoii were trying to make her get up, and do something.
“What’s the point? If my mum sees me she’ll start blabbing about getting married, again! UGH I just can’t deal with it.” –She said to her pillow, her voice muffled.
Marie rolled her eyes and shook her by the shoulders.
“Okay, Ms. Oh- my-life-sucks-because-things-didn’t-go-my-way-so-I’m-being-a-brat. Get up NOW, or I’ll make you.”
“Shut up, Marie. - Scarlet pulled her soft covers over her head.
Savoii ,who had been relatively quite up to this point ,calmly walked up to her bed and pulled out all her covers ,causing the chilly September air ,coming through the opened window make its way towards Scarlet.
“YOU B-
“Careful now, your highness, don’t want to say something UN lady like.” –Savoii snickered.
“Ugh.”-Scarlet moaned as she got up. - “If my mum sees me today I will hold you two personally responsible.”
“She won’t. Here’s why. We’re taking you out to the village, today.” – Marie said.
“Fine.”- Scarlet said grudgingly as she walked towards her bathroom.
Savoii was a year younger than Scarlet, but she was really mature for her age. Often, she was more mature than Scarlet herself. She had gone through great personal drama, when her dad, a respectful admiral had passed away. That had left her an orphan, because her mother had passed on in child birth. The king had took pity upon the then, ten year old girl, he had given her the title “Lady”, for the simple reason that she had endured much grief, at such a tender age and was still good at concealing it .He had then heard that countess Alia was looking for a second lady in waiting for her daughter, so he had sent her to live off with them. She never showed her grief to Alia, but Scarlet and Marie were well aware of it. Savoii really loved her father, apparently and it was hard for her to get over the fact that she’d never see him again.
Marie was a different story. She was the youngest daughter of a rich merchant who decided that living with a countess would bring her to the right company. He believed that there she would meet someone of great rank, someone she would marry. He hoped in vain. Marie, who was beautiful and two years older than Scarlet, had already met her true love in the form of the oldest son of the village’s doctor. He was twenty, handsome and seemed to love Marie back. No one knew, of this love except Scarlet and Savoii, of course, because they were her closest people and only they were entitled to know.
As the two girls chatted lightly while Scarlet got ready, Scarlet was deep in thought.
“How will I escape this prison cell? I can always rely on Savoii, to run away with me, but Marie…she’s deeply in love, I can’t even begin to imagine asking her. She’d never agree. Oh, she’d want to...well that’s fine. I have my whole life in front of me and my mum hasn’t been trying out her matchmaking skills ,for a long time now ,when she decides which spoilt ,rich idiot is fit for me I can run off. For now I am safe.”
After Scarlet was ready to leave she got out of her bathroom. Marie and Savoii were lost in a conversation. She was pretty sure it was Marie’s idea, why not take Scarlet out AND see the cute, doctor’s son Chris in the meanwhile? She rolled her eyes as she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She’d never been anything special. Her large brown eyes and honey brown hair were very ordinary. Her features were all of average size. She didn’t see anything remotely special about herself in the least. Her eyes slid down to what she was wearing and she realized she was still in her nightgown, she got out of it quickly and looked for something to wear. Whenever they went to the village they pretended not to be noble. They pretended to be peasant girls, from a different village, who only came here once in a while, because they loved the tiny village so much. The village, named after its master, the count, was Shenrik.
Scarlet put on a plain coral gown. It was nothing too special. A lot of the girls in the village owned similar attire, so she didn’t look strange. Her friends were ready, too.
They set out, with Marie handing her a cold croissant, so they don’t have to stop by the dining hall. Their attempts to avoid the countess were in vain. She still spotted them and you could basically see the triumph of her eyes.
“Huh. Well she knew we were avoiding her then.”- Scarlet thought.
“Scarlet, my darling, you will never believe it. I found him. He’s perfect for you!” – Scarlet’s eyes filled with horror as she stared at her mother. Naturally, her mum misread her expression and thought it was surprise, or excitement.
“Yes, I know it’s quite sudden. He will come stay with us for a couple of weeks, of course, so you can decide whether you like him or not. “– And if you don’t like him ,you’ll still marry him. – Scarlet added silently to herself.
Marie and Savoii looked uncomfortable. They didn’t keep their promise and scarlet got pretty mad when something like that happened.
“His name is Oscar. He’s the eldest son of Lord Oscar Boyle. He’s quite a catch. Lovely green eyes and wavy brown hair.”
“Great, thanks mum. Again I need to remind you that I have no intention of getting married as I will be looking for-“
“Oh for the love of god, Scarlet. Get over it, will you? – Her mum rolled her eyes and walked away.
Scarlet’s anger turned towards her best friends. They both looked like they wished they could die. She took three deep breaths and then said:
“Let’s go.”
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Canary word: Present
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Hah, sorry you feel that way. You shouldn't.
Thanks ,though. She'll grow smarter...hopefully, I never actually know what happens in my stories until I write it,it's kind of weird.
oops, sorry you felt like that. Even though it's not really my fault... still, I kinda feel responsible...ugh, I hate feeling responsible for stuff I didn't do. My conscience is way too big for my temper. {I know how you feel though...I share your pain...}
That's good, I suppose. A little character development won't hurt nobody. That's a good thing. {Maybe you should make her a little smarter though...just a thought.}
Sorry, this is not much of a review...actually, it's not a review at all. ^^, Hehe.
- Meow
This is a different world,entirely. People may speak differently than the way people speak on Earth at different time periods. Have you not seen Ella Enchanted,then?
Alright, so, unfortunately all of my old comments still apply. Add some more nouns in and show, don't tell. I have some more to add on punctuation though:
Punctuation: You're overusing the poor dash here. Dashes do not need to mark the end of dialogue or thoughts. Thoughts should be in italics, and you still treat it the same way as normal speaking.
[i]Oh how I wish I could go,[/b] she thought restlessly.
^ That is a properly punctuated thought. A comma ends it, it is in italics and the "she" is lower case. Unless the word after a thought or piece of dialogue is a proper name, so not capitalize it.
Tags: You don't have any, and that is a problem. Tag-less dialogue results in talking heads, which simply make the reader confused. Here is a good guide to getting rid of talking heads.
Language: Yes, as people have pointed out before me, your language is reminiscent of middle-schoolers. Terms like "mom" don't show up in history until the 1900s; before then, "mother" or "ma" would have been used, depending on the person's rank. And the general language is very informal. Nobles, by education, would speak with a much higher level of English then commoners. Right now, your characters sound like modern, shallow rich people. "Shallow" you can deal with. "Modern" (in a fantasy where the time-period is in the 1600s) you cannot.
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey
A huge thanks to everyone who took the timr to edit this.
Okay ,first of all
Sela Locke: This is the way my characters speak ,because this may seem like something from the 18th century ,but this is another world, entirely, the way they speak, act ,dress may be different from us.
I don't think ,a frustrated countess in a different world from ours will bother about formality wen she talks to her own daughter.
Otherwise ,thanks for the tips!
Claeren :I'll try and make her more interesting, she'll develop her character as the book goes along.
Jay :Thanks for the positive crit ,it really made my day. I was almost ready to ditch writing when I read the first two ,but yours totally cheered me up.
Again,Thank you people!
I. Love. This. I actually like how you can't assign a particular time period to it-it's an alternative reality, and it is under 'fantasy fiction'. It feels classic and fresh at the same time.
I suggest changing the phrase, "not too feministic" to "none too feminist". I like how the language is slightly formal, but never flowery.
When I read the first paragraph, I had a bit of an, "oh no..." feeling. The whole 'everyone looked at her, and she brought happiness to the room' thing set off my Mary Sue alarm. So it's a good move to make her not very intelligent.
Overall, this is very promising, and Scarlet's dialogue with her friends is entertaining and fresh. Write more!
#99CCFF "> I get where you're coming from. *nods head wisely*
It does still needs a bit of work, with the speech and narrative part, to make it compatible with the time-frame you're working with. Maybe you could show a bit more class here, because right now, your MC is completely faceless to me, not to be rude or anything, just frank. Maybe you could make your MC have some sort of magical/weird/all-seeing-normal pet or something, or make your MC have an unusual set of personality traits such as:
rebellious/sweet
spunky/*outrageous*/rebellious
dreamy/cunning(clever)/rebellious/"innocent"
* when I say this, I mean it would be outrageous to people in the time frame your speaking of, not necessarily the 21st century, ya' know?
"" what I mean when I say this is that she probably lies a lot but never gets reprimanded for it or is found out. She can lie her *bleep* off and nobody will suspect her for a moment. (wouldn't we all like to do that?)
Any of those would be fine, especially the last one, which I find particularly amusing. You could also put all of these together and make her totally crazy! ^^ Try a few things out and see what you come up with!
PM me when you have the next post up! ^_^
#0066CC "> - Claeren (color me White!)
I don't know where you plan to set this - what century, I mean. Because, even though it has the whole 'forced-marriage-ladies-in-waiting-nobility-kings etcetc,' the dialogue and narration reminds me of nothing more than angsty middle-schoolers. Ooh, the rebellious girl that doesn't WANT to marry, who wants to set out on a long journey to find the mystical blue gem of kingly-whatever. But we've heard all that, many times before, and with less grammar/punctuation/spelling mistakes. How is yours any different?
Just one quick nitpick here - when you put a comma in, it's incorrect to do it likes this:
Do it like this instead:
Also, if this is supposed to be set back anywhere between 1 A.D. and 1899 A.D., or anywhere further back than that, you can't make her mother talk like this:
Perhaps your mom talks like this, but I very much doubt a countess - be she stupid or smart - would speak anything alike to that. This is how I would make her say it:
Not that exactly, but you get the idea. Also from this example you can see how to correctly use dialogue, not "I hate you. - He said, but "I hate you," he said.
Again, back to the story...
It needs some work. If you really like the idea of a girl being forced to marry (and I have to admit, don't we all? Such delicious drama...) then there's nothing wrong with writing a story about it - but make it original, as well as you can. We've all heard of the rebellious teenage girl, smart-mouthed and stubborn. What makes Scarlet any different than all the other girls who seem, to me, just like her?
So work on the way you narrate, and the way your characters speak, unless this is like some modern-day place where kings rule and nobility is still decided by who your father is (and I hope you change the narration and speech before you try and make it modern-day. The latter, I admit, repulses me). And also, of course, try to make Scarlet's character a little more quirky and strange. At the moment, she's kinda faceless, y'know?
Good luck, fellowriter, in all your earthly endeavors!
-SELA