Chapter 4
His green eyes stared straight into hers. He had dark brown hair and a reasonably tall, yet not quite strong figure. His posture had the obvious years of practice any noble did and he was quite handsome. She had no more time to think of it ,because then she snapped back to reality and grasped the situation ,which is when her heart began pounding like crazy.
He looked at her curiously and then smiled victoriously :
“Would you care to explain yourself, commoner?’ – He asked in an amused voice.
Anger flared through her eyes as she replied, her head held high :
“My name is Countess Scarlet Anne Shenrik .I have inherited the title from my father as has my mother and my ancestors , on my fathers side have carried this title for 6 generations.”
Lisle and Karl had joined them and Lisle looked quite interested at what the girl had to say.
“You came from Zermia?’-She asked in her soft voice ,which had a slight foreign accent. Scarlet looked up and realized Lisle was obviously Zermian with her blond hair and blue eyes and exceptional beauty. Her heart ached to look at such beauty when she had so little, so she looked down when she replied:
“Seven generations ago my father’s family immigrated to Velekrikorn , and yes from Zermia, as a matter of fact.”
Zermia was a country right next to Velekrikorn, from where hundreds of people, especially nobles had immigrated when a war broke out.
Karl looked at them disbelievingly.
“We just caught this girl spying on us and you’re having a friendly conversation with her?
“Oh, well Karl darling, I’m sure you see where I’m coming from. I mean, if she would care to join us-“Lisle began, but she was quickly interrupted by Karl.
“Lisle, she’s just a child…I just don’t think it’s-“
“I am not a child. I’m 16 years old.” Scarlet looked angry – “And by the way, I WANT to find the book, it has been my dream ever since I was 13!”
Lisle smiled at me appreciatively.
The man that had discovered me sized me up. Suddenly, he said:
“No. She’s a countess, there’ll be rumors, people will recognize her…”
“Hold on, Nicholas,” Lisle said. –“It’s not like we’re not noble, either so…
Scarlet listened to the conversation with great interest. Nicholas seemed like a name that she’d hear before. Who was he? Nicholas…
“Yes, but do you think she’s willing to do what we did for the book? Do something so drastic and leave her life behind only so we make sure people don’t recognize her?
I interrupted them.
“I would do ANYTHING to find the book.”
Three pairs of eyes looked at me confused. Then they remembered that I’d been eavesdropping. I blushed a deep shade of red.
Nicholas looked at her intensely, and then he said.
“Are you ready to pretend that you’ve died in a horrible accident and know that everyone you know is grieving for your death? Are you ready to cause so much pain to everyone you know?”
Scarlet looked down, suddenly stung by the bitterness of reality. Could she do it? She thought of her mum, who surely loved her, no matter how she acted. Her thoughts quickly shifted to Savoii, she had already experienced such a blow when her father died, how could she do this to her. Or even to Marie, who would surely miss her? She looked down.
Nicholas smiled a victorious smile.
“I thought so.”
“I would do ANYTHING.” Scarlet said determined, even though she wasn’t so sure on the inside.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Whoops ! And I was so sure I'd checked that they're all in third person. It's hard for me to concentrate on keeping them in third person. I've always done first person up until now, and it's sort of a challenge for me to do this.
And yes. Somehow I didn't post chapter 3. Great. Thanks for everything Rosey.
Alrighty here. It seems you've missed a chapter or two. I don't remember anything between her leaving for the market and this.
Tags: Your tags are rather hard to read here. First off, like I've mentioned before, dashes are not needed to introduce dialogue or tags. Check out the punctuation guide I linked you too in my first review for some tips. ^_^
Also, you can start dialogue paragraphs with action. Lines such as these:
"How did you know?" she asked, twirrling her hair.
Turn into these:
She twirrled her hair. "How did you know?"
The second option is easier to read, since the verb has tense.
Description: You hardly have any here, other then describing people in a huge block. Now, block descriptions like that are okay, and you don't have so many that it clogs the chapter. However, I have no idea where Scarlet is or what she's feeling, both emotionally and physicly. Here is a good article.
Emphesis: When showing emphesis, use italics instead of capitalizing the whole word.
Person: Just a note, you switch person from third to first here:
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey