It is raining
Steady and consistent
I am alone
Safe and consistent
It is dry where the people are
But it is loud where the people are
So I sit in the silence
My jeans stick to the grey concrete wall
I lean back against the grey chain link fence
I stare through the wind and water at the melting colors of parked cars
Then I look up at the sky
The sagging grey sky
I close my eyes
Dripping
Cold
Alone
Happy
I am happy
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hmmm...
I like it, but:
Do you think you could add some punctuation? I can think of several things you could use in this piece: commas, semicolons, hyphens, periods, colons.
Also: It's all one big stanza, where I can see it needs to be at least four different stanzas. Otherwise (especially without punctuation) when you read it out loud you sound like you're just rushing through it, even like the words are running together ("ItisrainingsteadyandconsistentIamalone...").
Punctuation and seperating the poem into stanzas (which are the equivalent of paragraphs in a story) gives the poem the pauses that you're hearing in your head as you read write it. I know some of them are pretty obvious to you without all of the extra punctuation, but it isn't to us. If you want it to have the same flow to us as it has to you, you need to take special steps.
Nice poem. I just think it need a little more editing in some parts but other than that good job!
Keep up the good work.
This is good, I liked the message it gave. good job!
I liked this poem... but I agree with this one
some words and phrases were repeated without making sense to the poem...
But just like what the speaker in the poem, I also prefer to be alone but not in my own world. In some other ways
It was kind of flat, nothing made it impressive but it had things that made in unsatisfying. "I stare through the wind and water at the melting colors of parked cars" was way too long. If you compared it to the other lines, it was a big difference. The last words were kind of awkward. They were over much simple. Plus you have forgotten punctuations. And the message was kind of, well too simple.
I liked this poem.It really presented a strong image of a rainy day in my mind and I loved the lack of punctuation and the weird, drippy structure. I love it when writers structure the image of structure around the meaning of the poem. Lovely to read and I'm made up that it is featured because the structure of this is amazing for everyone to see.
Hello there.
Congrats on the featured work. ^_^
Nitpicks:
- Really good opening.
- I'm not sure with how you described the fence here. o.o
- Nice imagery.
- I love the way the persona 'spoke' in this poem.
I like this poem.
Anyway, I like the structure of this poem. It's really unique, compared to most poems.
Never stop writing!
Hey.. So I'll be plain honest and say that I understood only a little bit of it.. But I liked what I understood... It would be nice to clear up the confusion, infact very helpful too...
Harshita:0
I love that this was not cliche. The "narrator" we shall called it, noted that it was dry with other people (which I'm gaining can also be used as a metaphor for the whole life) but dosen't wish to be with them. I also like that she/he is not just dreadfully emo. Though I love this poem the part at the top where "Consistent" and "Are" are used at the end of sentences so close together disrupts the flow. It could be tweaked here and there but overall I liked it.
Forever, Writer.
All of it looks good but grey is misspelled. its spelled G-R-A-Y
Hello! I liked this poem. It was very sweet and simple but showed an insight about the character. I do have some corrections though. My critiques/ comments will be on the side. Here goes:
It is raining
Steady and consistent
I am alone
Safe and consistent- It is distracting and takes away from the flow when you use the same word in the same place.
It is dry where the people are
But it is loud where the people are- Same goes for these two lines.
So I sit in the silence
My jeans stick to the grey concrete wall
I lean back against the grey chain link fence
I stare through the wind and water at the melting colors of parked cars- Loved this line. It has great imagery in just that tiny of a word.
Then I look up at the sky
The sagging grey sky- I think that the flow would be better if you combined the two sentences such as: Thenn I look up at the sagging grey sky.
I close my eyes
Dripping
Cold
Alone
Happy
I am happy
So, overall, like I said, it was a nice poem. But some elements could be changed as noted by other users as well. Good job. If you have any questions feel free to PM me.
Hello there. :3
Nitpicks:
Rain! I love it when it rains. And the smell of earth and the smooth wind! I could go on and on. Well, rain is all in all just awesome. And your first line makes me want to read it more. But then the repetitions kind of irritate and annoy me. “Consistent”, the second time is not at all needed. How are safe and consistent related in any possible way? Try thinking of something else.
Okay, so here when you say people, you want to point out to the people other than you that are the crowd. But the repetition again does not do any justice to the poem. Reword it. No one would like reading the same words in a poem in so small intervals.
Again! Do not repeat grey. Avoid repetitions as much as you can. It is better for your poem to be loved by all the others.
This poem is a bit too big compared to the other lines so it tends to meddle with the flow of the poem and it feels kind of awkward to read a big line in between lines which are comparatively smaller.
Punctuations, my dear friend! It is the one thing that your poem lacks and it is one of the most important of them all. You need to add punctuations. Let the reader know where to pause and where to stop. And without punctuations the reader would be like an aimless wanderer. You have to give the reader a path to walk on. So add the punctuations as Annie said.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.
Ok, you really need some punctuation in this!!!
Other than that, though, this is pretty good! The flow could use some tweaking but the emotion and grammar is beautiful.
I like this poem a lot, so congrats
The last couple of lines are also very good, so make sure you keep them the same from this point:
onwards, ok (except for the grammar, add some commas and a period at the end)?
Keep writing,
Alzora
Another rain lover, eh? I know exactly what you're talking about in the poem. It's very simple, but I like it, if only because I understand it. I would also suggest adding puntuation. I added it for you above, in blue, and believe me, it does make a difference. Anyway, I hope I helped.
>>Annie<<
This poem is really good. There are parts of the poem where it is a little repetitive such as
but other than that is is very good. I love how provoke the reader to think you are trying to say solitude in the cold rain is bad and then you end with
my main suggestion to you is increase your vocab so you don't have to be so repetitive with your rhyme scheme. Keep writing and well done :3
Hi! I wasn't sure about the repetition at first but after reading this for a second time, I think it sounds okay. The only repetition I don't like is where the word grey is repeated, with the wall and the fence. Where it describes the sagging grey sky though, is fine, and sagging is a great way to describe it. Also, the melting colours of the cars? Awesome contrast between the dull of the sky and everything else, and really puts an image in my head of cars looking blurry through the rain, but bright. I like the ending too, but I think that "I am happy" is very direct and is kind of telling rather than showing, so maybe if you said that you smiled or something that indicated you were happy, the reader would work it out for themselves rather than just be told straight. Apart from that though, really good! And I can relate - being out in the rain is awesome.
I'm not sure if this is exactly cricket, but I think some of you have missed the point. Repetition is a technique intentionally used. For example, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrcok (Eliot) repeats "Do I dare?" over and over again to ingrain it in the audiences' mind. In this case, the repetition of 'consistent' is quite clever - how better to emphasize consistency than to consistently repeat a word, especially 'consistent'? I also really like the repetition of 'grey' in the latter stages of the piece. I think it creates a vivid image of a drab, dull, repetitive world, described by a drab, dull, repetitive word. The only questionable instance of repetition has already been pointed out by Writerwithacause.
Overall I quite like this piece. Contrary to majority opinion, I think your use of repetition is highly effective. Well done Hayden
Hi there.
So, I noticed a few things when reading this through.
I don't quite understand why you've put consistent there. I don't think that's the best way to describe being alone. Try another adjective maybe.
There are some repetitive words here that I think could be replaced, like 'the people' although it's nothing major, I think that it'd be better if the second 'the people' is changed into 'they' or something like it. Another word that comes up quite a bit is 'grey' surely there must be better ways to describe things than 'grey'. Grey just doesn't give off very much, especially if you are to use it three times. Think about what other ways you can describe them besides grey. Like lonely chain link fence or hardened concrete wall. Using other adjectives makes the poem seems more interesting and alive.
I like the ending. I liked how you put each word on a single line by itself to emphasize them. Overall, great ending but, I'd suggest you to think about the adjectives you use a little more.
Nice poem. Though I didn't quite understand it, is the narrator happier alone in his own world? That would make sense, I don't know, I'm not that good at poetry, but great job with this one!
~~Destiny110
P.S. soryy for the really short review, i'm tired and sleepy, and it's 11:30 AM here xP
Some punctuations corrections:
The middle part was a bit rough, but the ending works well with the mood, I think. This is probably one of the poems that make an impression if you read them out loud dramatically. Not bad, overall, but a little rough. You might want to re-edit it sometime.
Its a little raw, but not all-together bad. With a little practice and some time revising this, it could turn into a solid work. Keep writing!
Hey again.
The mistakes will be pointed out in red, while my critique on that part will be in blue.
Try adding some punctuation and keep the critiques I've given you in mind. Good work, keep writing!