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Survival: The Escape, Chapter 8.2

by HarryHardy


Lost in his thoughts, Harry barely noticed them passing by the Hub, the many screens at its center dark like they'd been the night before. As they turned towards the corridor that would take them to their quarters, Harry's mind was on overdrive. Figuring out exactly how to break the news today was proving to be harder than he'd anticipated. All that excitement earlier and now when it comes to what I am actually going to say I have nothing. Way to go brain.

It took them nearly a half hour to carefully make their way along the darkened corridors to the hall, a little faster than yesterday, but the oppressive darkness hadn't changed a bit and navigating was difficult.

"Okay...so we're here now," said Aria, propping herself against a wall.

"We thank you Captain Obvious," said Daisy.

They both burst into laughter. Harry joined in with a weak smile. Both of them immediately turned to look at him.

"Jeez...you don't need to rehearse an entire speech you know," said Daisy.

"Feels like I need to," said Harry.

"Come one Harry, mom is not going to eat you, she's going to be delighted at the possible weakness and she might even send out someone to go check it, maybe as early as tonight,” said Aria, walking over to him and putting a hand on his shoulder.

"She can do that?" asked Daisy, raising her eyebrows.

"Oh you'll see eventually," said Aria, winking at her.

"Okay, okay. I think I'm just overthinking this. I'll just go and talk I guess. Hopefully, she doesn't mind the one update we forget to give," said Harry.

"Yes. That's the spirit," said Aria, giving his shoulder a squeeze.

"Then I guess we should all get back to our quarters now," said Daisy.

"Yeah...it’s pretty late already," said Harry.

"Okay then...good night Daisy. See you tomorrow," said Aria and made her way to the entrance to the hallway.

"Good luck," whispered Daisy, giving Harry a quick hug,

"Thanks. You have a good night. Sweet dreams," said Harry.

"You too," said Daisy. Harry waited as she made her way to her entrance and turned back. Giving him one last beaming smile and a small wave, she walked off towards her own quarters.

"Oh my god I thought you two were going to stay there hugging for like an hour," said Aria, as Harry joined her.

"Hey it was only a few seconds," said Harry.

Aria snorted.

"Keep telling yourself that."

"Hey, we have an important bit of news to deliver here, why don't we focus on that. How much teasing are you planning on doing before you realize its pointless?" asked Harry.

"As much as I have to," whispered Aria quietly.

"What was that?" asked Harry.

"Nothing," said Aria," come on let's see if mom is still awake."

Harry made a face behind her back.

The two siblings made their way to their mother's room, hoping that she hadn't already gone to sleep after her usually tiring day of cleaning the kitchens. Luckily for them, Mrs. Kane was awake and sitting on her bed.

"Hey you two. Long day?" she asked, opening her arms. The two of them sat down on either side of her, and she put an arm around both of them, hugging them tight against her sides.

"Eventful day," said Aria, leaning on her mother's shoulder and closing her eyes.

"I can see that. You look like you're going to fall asleep any minute now. Anything interesting happen?" asked Mrs. Kane.

"Well, you could say that," replied Harry, deciding to go the slightly cryptic route in preparation for vomiting out everything all at once.

"Hmm...now what can that mean?" she asked, looking at Harry and giving him a knowing smile," beating around the bush a bit aren't we?"

"Umm...nope...totally no..." said Harry, when he saw Aria vigorously shake her head," I mean yeah...totally...I was beating around the bush a bit. A bit of interesting news actually, maybe even good news."

"Okay. Now stop trying to build tension. We're not telling stories here. Spill," said Mrs. Kane.

"Okay, okay. Patience is a virtue you know?" said Harry.

"Harry..."


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Sat Sep 25, 2021 6:54 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Harry,

Mailice back with a short review! :D

Whereas the previous part was more concerned with Harry's inner life, this self-reflection has gone more extroverted in this part, where he comes across as a passive figure and is a sort of appendage to Aria and Daisy before being thrust into the centre by his mother, creating a nice cliffhanger.

It's a detail I like a lot and wouldn't have noticed so directly if I had read the part separately. You portray Harry very well here, even with the look at the stars, you show a bit of that emptiness he has inside and how that behaves. You create a loneliness despite the threeness by "hiding" him. It is very nice to read that you are trying to portray the thoughts and this torment physically as well, rather than just psychologically.

I liked the dialogue in this part - as well as most of the time, it has a very flowing background, creating a direct contrast in this part with the quiet Harry. I also notice here that you try to use other words than just "to say", which you managed well at the beginning, but then went down again a bit. D But I like that there's an approach in there.

Other points I noticed while reading:

It took them nearly a half hour to carefully make their way along the darkened corridors to the hall,

 As I am not a native English speaker, the "a half hour" here seemed very "translated" to me. (I don't know how to express myself) :D Shouldn't it be "It took them nearly half an hour"?

They both burst into laughter. Harry joined in with a weak smile. Both of them immediately turned to look at him.

 Very great portrayal of Harry, being rather passive even though he is the main character in this chapter. This is such an indirect detail that I like very much and only noticed in the second reading.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

xD...hmm, a half hour does sound a bit awkward now that you mention it. And I think you expressed that pretty well, I get what you mean. :D

Although xD, I'm not a native English speaker myself :D





Now you have made me curious. :D What do they speak in the underworld?



HarryHardy says...


xD....good question..:D

There's a whole host of languages down here, but I speak Sinhala :D





The letters look beautiful. Like little pictures. :D



HarryHardy says...


:D



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Sat Sep 25, 2021 3:35 pm
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

I just wonder about Harry's thoughts. I can't reason why he is so afraid about telling her mom. Like one shouldn't be so afraid of his mom to tell such a simple thing. I didn't really expect him to be like that but now it seems like he is like that. Maybe he is a genius person but also not very confident of himself and was afraid that his observations might be wrong.

Aria and Daisy always seem to encourage Harry when it comes to telling things to each other or other people. Something which I wonder about is if Haary id only afraid to tell things to relarives and very known people. Like if we go back a bit, Harry told most if things in that meeting and Aria, for most if the time remained silent. Maybe Aria is confident to tell close people but if afraid of strangers. We don't know about Daisy on this matter. I am quite eager to know it.

Okay, so finally we have got Mrs. Kane. I again wonder about Mr. Kane and if he is alive. I am the most eager to know about him. Anyway, back to Mrs. Kane, I wonder what will really happen in this conversation. Something very interesting.

Something which I noticed is the lack of punctuations. At a few places, I felt that some punctuations, specially commas, were missing. You have got to fix that. Just use some grammar checker. Don't rely fully on them though. They are A.I. after all.

We're not telling stories here. Spill," said Mrs. Kane.

Seems like Aria inherited this spill from Mrs. Kane. If you want to seperate them, I would suggest using an alternative. Obviously, you can say that it's a very common word, anyone can use it but I still feel that it's being overused just like beat around the bush.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Oh Harry's a bit scared cause they didn't tell her about the door being replaced and he's worried he'll get scolded for no telling here about it. :D



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Sat Sep 25, 2021 1:43 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Harry!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I really liked this part. It was light, it was humorous, and really fun to read. The flow was continuous and I liked how you maintained the same pace throughout despite changing scenes and settings.

What I loved most of all, was how the dialogue remained uniquely characteristic of each character. You are really good at keeping your characters true to themselves. I am sure I have mentioned that already, but this far into the story, people often stray from the original personality they set out for their characters (I know I have!), but you stick to them and it makes the story more realistic, despite it being based upon a dystopian world.

I really liked the different interactions in this part - between Harry and Aria, and the siblings and their mother. Aria's teasing about Harry and Daisy never gets old, and for the first time, I felt that she actually likes the pair of them together. At least her comment suggests so.
And then there was Mrs. Kane. I am not sure if I have said this before, but she is a really cool mom. She is a little more like Aria in her sarcasm and like Harry in her optimism and constant efforts for escape. The way both women are always exasperated at Harry's nervousness and his 'beating around the bush' was a little funny. Now that Mrs. Kane knows, I wonder what steps they are going to take.

A few specifics:

Way to go brain.

I think you should put a comma after 'go' and an exclamation mark after 'brain' to further the emphasis.

"Hey, we have an important bit of news to deliver here, why don't we focus on that.

Since you use 'hey' in just the previous dialogue of Harry, using it again so soon sounds a little repetitive. Also, there will be a question mark at the end.

That's all for this one!

Keep writing and have a great day!




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!




I am not a person I am a natural disaster
— TheWordsOfWolf