Annnnndrew here for a review! First off, since when did you turn eighteen, just noticed that on your side thing right there, so happy birthday, bet it's fun being an adult.
But back to the story at hand. Things are progressing here, curious to see what mom has to say. I'm glad you gave some natural time for things to build, though I wonder if it's always necessary (look it's Andrew here wondering if character buffer time is necessary XD) and if you couldn't just cut to the scene.
BUT INTO SPECIFICS!
Lost in his thoughts, Harry barely noticed them passing by the Hub, the many screens at its center dark like they'd been the night before. As they turned towards the corridor that would take them to their quarters, Harry's mind was on overdrive. Figuring out exactly how to break the news today was proving to be harder than he'd anticipated. All that excitement earlier and now when it comes to what I am actually going to say I have nothing. Way to go brain.
Bit repetitive from the last chapter, like you, didn't expect us to read them back to back, which is generally how books work.
They both burst into laughter. Harry joined in with a weak smile. Both of them immediately turned to look at him.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, but our charecters seem to have a very low bar for bursting into laughter, sure a chuckle is deserved, but with the context here they kinda seem like sugar high little kids laughing so hard at that statement. I get that it's been a long day, but maybe try to communicate that's why they are laughing, not the joke.
"Come one Harry, mom is not going to eat you, she's going to be delighted at the possible weakness and she might even send out someone to go check it, maybe as early as tonight,” said Aria, walking over to him and putting a hand on his shoulder.
Clunky
Harry made a face behind her back.
Classic
"Well, you could say that," replied Harry, deciding to go the slightly cryptic route in preparation for vomiting out everything all at once.
"Hmm...now what can that mean?" she asked, looking at Harry and giving him a knowing smile," beating around the bush a bit aren't we?"
Harry hasn't quite gotten to beating around the bush territory yet, seems like he's just going at normal human conversation pace, one more stall, and I think this comment would make sense.
"Okay. Now stop trying to build tension. We're not telling stories here. Spill," said Mrs. Kane.
Hehe, some fourth wall-breaking humor here.
But that's all just my two cents! Hope it helped!
Excited to figure out where this spaceship came from and what moms input could be.
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew
Points: 34
Reviews: 178
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