Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Action / Adventure


Survival: The Escape, Chapter 21.1

by HarryHardy

Chapter 21

We Stroll Into an Alien Town


They ran through the fields of grass, tearing through as fast as their tired legs could manage to carry them. They’d been doing far too much running lately for either of them to actually generate any kind of respectable speed but they were making progress. The town was luckily pretty close to the forest and as far as the drone was able to see, it didn’t look like there were going to be any guards at the town itself, or at least there hadn’t been many and the reports had suggested that the few that were in the town had probably been the ones that reported to the gates on the second fence.

They managed to cross the fields of grass without any trouble, and then proceeded to immediately duck behind the first house that they ran into, glad to finally have some cover. The one part of their escape plan where there was nowhere to hide or cover from any attacks by the guards had been covered. That was definitely a big win, especially since they'd all only suffered a few bruises and cuts. Nothing that could prove fatal at least. Now they had the much easier task of trying to sneak around the town without being spotted by any of its inhabitants and make their way to the warehouse that the supply transports made their way into.

Their best bet was to try and get on one of the incoming transports, try and take just enough things that it wouldn’t be immediately apparent they’d stolen something, and then get on board one of the empty transports that left the place. If they got really lucky they might even be able to get on board an outgoing one which still had supplies in it. 

From what the drone had been able to pick up, they knew that occasionally a couple of those transports did happen and those were presumed to be ones headed off to other alien posts after having dropped off a portion of supplies at this particular prison. Or at least that was the theory they’d come up with, they would be finding out the truth eventually. 

After they got on the truck, they didn’t really get to plan out any further, the drone was simply not capable of flying out beyond the city walls and they really didn’t have any idea what was out there. Well, they did have a plan of what they would have to eventually do, but all those plans would have to be made one they knew what the outside was like and where on Earth their prison was even located.

Aria kept her hands on her lips as they moved through the town, her message loud and clear. There was no telling which house was occupied and which house was not and the last thing they needed was to run into someone who would raise the alarm, and shooting at the innocent family members of the guards was simply not an option. Unlike the guards actively trying to kill them, these particular aliens would be unarmed and they couldn't fall to the same level as the aliens.

Aria slowly led them through the town until they came to a small structure in the garden of one of the larger houses. This had one large door covering an entire side of it. All sorts of strange paraphernalia were scattered about it, and a few tools hung from mounts on the wall. The door was open and it didn’t look like anyone was inside. The house itself was also a good few feet from the structure so Aria led them all inside it.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
1032 Reviews

Points: 103525
Reviews: 1032

Thu Dec 02, 2021 1:26 pm
View Likes
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...

Hi Harry,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Back to Daisy and we actually start the chapter where we left off the other day. There's something exciting about the way you seamlessly pick up from the last chapter and help your first full paragraph to give a brief description of what's to come.

That's kind of what happened in this part, too; it's more of an overview than a big progression of the plot. By leaving out the dialogue and giving more of a "documentary" about a new possible plan, you sort of create a new "layer" of storytelling here.

I think it's a bit weird for the beginning of the chapter, and yet I kind of like the way you've done it here. In terms of pace, I think the chapter so far has lost some of that compared to the previous one - which is not a bad way to put it. Especially in combination with the next part, I like this structure, which a lot is in a minimalist style.

Other points I noticed while reading:

They ran through the fields of grass, tearing through as fast as their tired legs could manage to carry them.

Your beginning here has actually a pretty neat sound to it; almost poetic with the repetition of the two parts of the sentence.

The town was luckily pretty close to the forest and as far as the drone was able to see, it didn’t look like there were going to be any guards at the town itself, or at least there hadn’t been many and the reports had suggested that the few that were in the town had probably been the ones that reported to the gates on the second fence.

The sentence is actually very long. On one hand I can see, that somebody that runs a lot right now doesn't have enough energy to formulate different kind of sentences, but since it don´t look like it is part of a thought, I would split it a bit.

Have fun writing!


HarryHardy says...

Thank youu for the review!! :D

I have a problem with unnecessarily long sentences...xD

User avatar
377 Reviews

Points: 38546
Reviews: 377

Wed Dec 01, 2021 5:49 pm
View Likes
RandomTalks wrote a review...

Hey Harry!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a solid continuation of the story. However, I do have some things to say about it.

First of all, it seems like I was more excited about getting into the town than they were. They have technically just crossed out of alien territory (their entire world could be alien territory, for all I know), but right now they are out of any kind of immediate danger. So naturally, you would expect them to show some kind of emotion or excitement at achieving such an impossible feat in their mission, especially considering that no one had ever gone so far before them. However, their reactions are largely lacking in this part. We do not get to learn how they feel about this sudden change of environment, or the thrill and excitement of having almost completed their mission. It feels almost like a robotic journey.

I kind of agree with Forever in this respect. It does not feel like we are hearing Daisy's POV in this part, rather it feels like we are listening to the author narrating the story and whatever is happening. I think the only time we got a feeling of Daisy's own touch was towards the end when she expressed her thoughts against harming the innocent family members of the guards. Otherwise, the chapter felt like a narration of events, and an explanation of why and what was going on.

Then there are of course the descriptions. They weren't exactly lacking, but I was having trouble visualizing the scene, especially because this is the first time we have been introduced to this new setting. I am getting some apocalyptic vibes though, and I wonder who inhabit these houses. The place feels quite deserted, and if it hadn't been I am sure some or the other would have noticed a group of humans running through their civilization. It will be interesting to see how you portray this world. Until now, we had been confined to particular settings. But now, we are in the big wide world. I am excited to see what you make out of it.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Until next time!

HarryHardy says...

Thank youu for the review!

Hmm..the description and that tone of narration is a bit of a problem. I'll have to look into that. The lack of excitement though is cause this is arguably a pretty dangerous spot. They're still very far from the actual way out of the camp itself, and this is the alien residential area where its just the families of the guards doing daily life things so its a very unpredictable thing, unlike the guards with stations and shifts. They have a few more obstacles to slip through.

User avatar
585 Reviews

Points: 43913
Reviews: 585

Wed Dec 01, 2021 5:13 pm
View Likes
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...

Hey! Forever here with a review!!

Well, I had a mixed feeling about this part. First of all, it did feel a bit rushed. The place was actually a very new place to them and I did expect that we will get quite some descriptions of the city in the town but was disappointed. I did understand that they had seen the place in the drone but you see, it was never described to the readers. Descriptions required. At last, if you re-read it you will see that there were parts where it appeared that the writer was telling from their own POV rather than Daisy's. That was another thing. Maybe you could just add somw dialogues here to slow it and some descriptions too. Dialogues were missing too. I don't really think they travelled soo long a distance without speaking a single word. That seems to be quite a hard task for Harry!

Also, I am not very sure but the tone of this part appeared a bit sad and melancholic to me. I was honestly expecting them to be very excited about the town but seems like all their excitements have dropped dead under all their tiredness. Can be the case. I have never seen Daisy so sad, so it was a new thing to see.

Okay now into the matter of the story, I liked how you managed to portray Daisy's fewlings and emotions towards the unarmed alliens. I do wondee if these aliens had any sort of relation with the war that took place in the very first place. If they have any relation, how can they really be 'innocent' as was described in this part. Hm.. makes me wonder a lot about these aliens. Maybe these aliens are actually kind and not like the aliens in the camps. I hope they are.

And finally with the houses. I don't see how they can find a house. Though I don't have much idea about their settlements and all, I don't see why they would keep the houses vacant. Hm... For the humans to come and settle(Obviously not). I am a bit curious about the reason. I really hope the house they entered is safe. Otherwise, bad lack...

Keep Writing!


HarryHardy says...

Thank youu for the review!!

Hmm...I guess I just didn't really give this place too much time since its really not that important, but hmm, I'll have to try and increase the description in the second draft!

The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope.
— Walter Benjamin