Glass coats the Brisbane river,
Colors caught... in a hazy twilight trance.
Four degree weather biting bare skin,
Yet she wears only a green navy zootie.
I watch her brown curly bun lean sideways,
As her head drifts forty five degrees,
Watching crews we chased with desperation,
Burn and simmer behind us.
Two seat begins to argue with Four,
Complaining about gnarly backsplash,
And salty water on her bloody oar.
Silence sets as sweat flies past trees.
Our cox box takes a vacation day,
The impeller wants to resign,
Yet her voice is still heard through broken wires
Threatening other schools who block our course.
We strike, slap, bruise the water,
And while our row boat stops to inhale,
The half brunette seven seat creates chaos,
Recreating the Titanic's tragic goodbye.
As coaches in tinny's bicker over speed,
Five seat stretches into a backbend,
Staring directly at Bow and her cowboy mustache,
Before almost disappearing at our swampy feet.
Our human train jumpstarts
At the high pitched yelling.
We climb higher up the rate pyramid,
Consumed by the force of our neon lime boat.
Oars clunk when cox calls "Rest", though
Her boat parking skills still create unease.
Coach cries, "If we race like this one more time!"
Reminding us that Head of River ends the season.
It came and went as quick as we did;
Splashing through waves of wash,
Celebrating at the sound of the horn
With rhythmic pants of breathing.
Three vomits phlegm over the side,
Everyone heaves at their watery knees.
Climbing back up Wyaralong's death hill,
We aggressively eye the home bake.
But the feeling dies as we begin to dismantle,
Our Second Eight lying in this year's ruins.
Watching waters I know,
I'll never sit on again,
As we rip off the tape holding us together -
Nine living pieces scatter into the riptide.
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141,555 Literary Works • 674,948 Reviews
A Butterfly has landed to review your work!
Hi Hana! Hope you are well today!I’ll be using the butterfly review template to review your work as part of Team Butterflies this Review Day!
The Egg
First impressions
Okay, so if I am not mistaken, this is a poem about competitive rowing, or rowing in general? It reads as if someone has really lived this life and knows all the jargon (which I had to look up!) The specificity gives the whole piece an authenticity that's hard to fake and makes for a great read.
The Caterpillar Hatches
What hooked you in
I think what truly hooked me in was this stanza:
The sensory chaos here painted such a vivid picture of the comic tension between the seriousness of racing and the bickering. It shows insight (to us non rowers) on the messiness which can go on inside the boat in these situations! (i guess i thought people rowed in complete silence haha, i mean, i loved using the rowing machines in the high school gym but other than that it's so foreign to me!)
Growing & Molting
Pacing
The pacing of the poem really mirrors a race, as you build tension through the chaos of the row, and the there is a a climax at "Celebrating at the sound of the horn", followed by a slow unwinding through exhaustion (vomiting, the death hill climb) into the quietness of the ending.
The Transformation
Weak parts / What could be improved
I think 'Curly brown bun' works a bit better since then you have the alliteration!
That is my only critique!
Wings Taking Shape
Strongest part
I think the entire poem is very strong, but the final stanza may be the strongest.
The tape becomes a symbol for the team's fragile cohesion, and then the nine pieces disband the team and end the race, very poignant!
A Butterfly has landed to review your work! <3
Hey Hana! A Butterfly has landed to review your work, and I really enjoyed this! There is a great sense of motion throughout the poem, but underneath the chaos of rowing there is a surprisingly bittersweet feeling of the end of a season and leaving something behind.
The Egg
My first impression was how incredibly vivid this seems in my head. The cold weather, the river, the boats, the yelling, the splashing, and the little details all combine to make this seem like a real memory being replayed.
The Caterpillar Hatches
This piece, specifically, stood out to me:
I really liked the contrast between the atmospheric beginning and the sudden rush into the hectic present of reality.
Growing & Molting
The poem becomes progressively more chaotic, and I actually really enjoyed that! The differences in seats, coaches, equipment, yelling, little accidents, and everything else all make it feel like you are being thrown into a boat rather than a generic poem about sports.
Spinning the Chrysalis
I also really liked how much specific rowing vocabulary there is. It gives the piece a lot of character and makes it feel like a real experience rather than a generic sports poem. Even the humor feels like part of a shared experience between people who have all been through similar things.
The Transformation
There are a lot of details crammed in there for some of the stanzas, and a few times I found myself skimming through them and not focusing on any one word. I actually appreciated it, because it felt like the frantic pace it is trying to convey!
Wings Taking Shape
The shift towards the ending is, in its own way, the most powerful part of the whole piece. There is a sudden sense of peace once all that chaos has happened.
Nine living, breathing people break up and scatter after putting so much effort into what they were doing.
Breaking Free
The ending really stayed with me. I loved the contrast between the pieces mentioned in the last stanza and the idea of them working as a single unit throughout the rest of the poem.
First Flight
Overall, I felt this was energetic, humorous, chaotic, and unexpectedly bittersweet. I really liked how a specific experience of rowing was extrapolated out into a generic memory of ending something important.
Favorite Nectar
Definitely the ending. After such a loud and busy experience it was nice to wind down to this really quiet and sad image of nine pieces scattering.
Lovely work! <3
Thank you so much for the feedback! I was starting to think no one understood the terminology 😊.