A small child dies inside us all,
Buried by the flesh of experience.
We aspire to maintain the spirit of youth,
Yet contribute to its disappearance.
Childhood wonders
Suffocate beneath our eyes.
Perishing, as we find ourselves,
In
Adulthood's enterprise.
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141,555 Literary Works • 674,954 Reviews
Heyy, Aster here! 🎀✨️
Firsstttt, I really liked the central idea. The thought that a part of our childhood slowly disappears as we grow older is simple, but you've presented it in a more philosophical way.
Second, “Buried by the flesh of experience” really stood out to me. I like how experience isn't portrayed as something purely positive, it becomes something that covers and changes the child we once were.
Third, I really liked the ending, especially the way “In” is isolated on its own. It creates a little pause before “Adulthood's enterprise,” which makes the transition into adulthood feel almost abrupt.
Now, onto a few areas for improvement!
First, “We aspire to maintain the spirit of youth, / Yet contribute to its disappearance” is a strong idea, but I think it could be phrased a little more naturally. “Contribute to its disappearance” feels slightly formal compared to the emotional idea behind it.
Second, “Childhood wonders / Suffocate beneath our eyes” is interesting, but “beneath our eyes” confused me slightly. If you mean that we watch our childhood disappear without being able to stop it, perhaps making that image a little clearer could strengthen it.
Third, I think the poem could benefit from one or two more concrete images of childhood. Since the poem is quite abstract overall, something small and tangible could give the reader something to hold onto while exploring the larger idea.
Overall, I really enjoyed this! It has a thoughtful, almost existential quality to it, and I like how much you're able to say in such a short piece. The contrast between childhood and adulthood comes through clearly.
I'd love to read more from you! 🍀✨️
Hello there!
Queenie here with a review. I loved this poem; it is very short, but you captured adolescence with creative language.
Let me see.
I love this part, but you could replace some words, like small and add some words, like inside after buried.
This part is absolutely brilliant and there are no critiques here. Wonderful job!
This part is also really good, and there is also nothing to work on here. Overall, wonderful, great poem!!!!
Hey there, Hana! Welcome to YWS (soon to be Writerfeed), hope you're enjoying your time here. I thought what better way to make you feel appreciated than to review of yours?
But where are my manners- I'm Alex, a Junior Moderator for the site. We basically run the site and help members with any issues they might be facing. My username is orange right now due to a reviewing event we're having this month, but I swear I am green behind this lol. You can reach out to me if you need a hand navigating around and I'd be happy to help.
Enough pleasantries let's get into the review~
I love where the narrative is going with this! However I feel that you are words may have been a little abundant here since small is already implied when you say child. How how about replacing it with a more description adjective such as naive instead? I am just lying out my thoughts whatever you decide shall go of course!
Love the visceral imagery, but the literal meaning seems muddied. I feel like buried in(side) would do a much better job- since it suggests that the inner child is caged inside the mortal body.
Oh how I love this! It's so simply put to the point that it feels magically philosophical. At the same time it reads beautiful enough to meet the poetic standards. You've really put much thought time and effort into this and it shows. Bravo!
I think the grammar as well as the image is again a little ambiguous. It hardly connects to the previous line, despite saving to have a direct relation. The prepositions are also off since beneath the eyes comes across as a bit awkward. I also thought that it was a little to similar to the previous metaphor, maybe we need to be a little more creative? I'd suggest -
The sweet lost childhood
glittering in those weary eyes
Is perishing.
A fitting end! I'm a fan of how you progressed the meaningful message in the poem. The cover art also complements it really well, so I think that was a good addition.
I do think the structure could use a little more work since in hangs weirdly, it could simply be merged with the next line without much loss of impact.
All in all, this was exceptional! I didn't expect to be moved by such a short piece of poetry, and yet it stands tall. It really call to someone's soul from across the screen by pointing out the abandonment of the inner child and the confinement that is adulthood. You need work on your structure and technicalities a little more, but other than that your voice flows real smoothly. Just keep on writing and improving, and thank you for sharing. Hope this wasn't too harsh and I could be of some help at least. I hope I get to read more from you soon enough but until then~
Love, Alex
Hey! I really enjoyed this poem! It's short, but it has a very heavy theme of growing up and losing the innocence of youth. I love how the poem starts with a very heavy concept of a small child "dying" within us, causing the entire poem to have this melancholic tone to it, but without using too many words.
The juxtaposition of wanting to retain the spirit of our youth even while losing it is probably my favorite part of this poem. It showcases that weird conflict of wanting to grow up and be an adult but also staying a kid at the same time.
I also loved how the second stanza talks about the wonders of youth being suffocated beneath our eyes, hence making it seem like an inevitable process and losing it without realizing it. The last part of the poem gives it a more serious and philosophical feel since it talks about the enterprise of adulthood.
Personally, I think the brevity of the poem is a strength, in this case, since it doesn't have any fluff that could take away from the main theme and the main point that the author was trying to get across.
It's actually quite a melancholic piece, focused mainly on how growing up changes us, not necessarily that childhood is over, but how we change as people within ourselves. That's it for my analysis of this reading, I hope I did a Lovely work! <3