Blue eyes (prologue stanza 1)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I screamed, but it never came out. I was too weak to even talk. He whipped me again, and again. It was hollow. Not the whip, but my body. No soul, no heart, it got stolen from me. From a stupid fire that burned my family to ashes and only I was left. Why did I survive? For no purpose at all. Just to get accused of setting my house on fire when I was six years old. They call me a monster, a witch’s son. I never knew my true identity that got stolen from me too, along with the key too my mind. Although they went all different ways they all ran away from me, like a cats running away from a dog. I want to find them, but it’s too late, they’ll just keep pulling me back, one of the blind mice captured from the world, in chains. The sound of these chains shattered my emptiness and left me with nothing, nothing to do, say, or think about. So I let myself be whipped, over and over. As many times they torture me, as silent I will be.

Hello there again HUA, sorry I'm a bit of a green room troll as some would say, but at least I'm here with another review.

This story is well a bit haunting as SnazzyPencil said, and I like it.

Your use of imagery is wonderful, you really make your readers use their imagination to see what you are seeing as you write you pieces, and that is a very strong trait to have when writing because it is what catches readers and holds them till the very end. But at the same time I noticed many small child-like sentences that could use a bit of tweaking.

You also switch up between 1st and 3rd person a but in some sentences. And sometimes its hard to know which one to use so a bit of advice from someone who still does it from time to time as well is read it out loud to yourself as you are writing and see if it sounds like what you would say as if thought you are saying it yourself.

I'm not going to point out your grammar mistakes because they have already been touched on. The only thing I will say on the grammar is that instead of saying "got stolen" try "was stolen" or "it was stolen". That would just add a bit of emotion to your work.

I hope my measly words help. (I'm sorry for the poor quality of this review im very out of sync of writing them)

keep up the beautiful work though =D
~Dancingelf

Hello!
This is, haunting. Not haunting....just...I'm sorry. I can't think of the right word right now... Anyway...this rocks. I liked how you used a lot of figurative language in this! Great job! I only have a couple of nitpicks...

"like a cats running away from a dog."

Cats should be cat since you put an 'a' in front of it.

"one of the blind mice captured from the world, in chains."

I don't think the comma after world is needed here.

Other than that, I couldn't find anything really big to correct! Great job, and keep writing!

~Snazzy
Stay Awesome
(sorry if this wasn't a really good review...I haven't reviewed in a while. )

Hello HUA,
Myjaspercat here for your review

So the first thing I want to say is that this is short, I noticed the whole stanza 1 thing so I am wondering if that means the prologue will actually get longer. That being said, since it is a prologue it doesn't need to be that long, but you do want it to be a considerable length as to catch your readers eye and set up the rest of the story.

As I read through this piece I realized that you have a lot of small child-like sentences. Writing run-on sentences is one thing that authors worry about, but sometimes longer sentences actually bring a lot to the piece you are working on. They add more detail and depth to the piece. Without the imagery and descriptive words your writing lacks strength, to show you what I mean here are some examples...

"It was hollow. Not the whip, but my body. No soul, no heart, it got stolen from me."
----Here you tell your reader that your MC (or main character) felt like they had a hollow body. Reading it I want to know more. Why exactly does your MC feel this way? Had they recently been in a bad relationship? Had they witnessed a terrible accident and now feel as if all of life is like that? By writing something so vague you leave a lot of questions in your readers' minds. Instead you want to add depth, give us some background.

"From a stupid fire that burned my family to ashes and only I was left. Why did I survive? For no purpose at all."
----Now here you tell us more as to why your MC feels so hallow, but it still lacks emotion. It is almost as if your MC is reading from a script in front of a screen. Have you seen the newest Hunger Games? (If not then I am sorry I am throwing out a spoiler.) When Katniss is put out in front of the monitor and given words to recite from as a way to fuel the rebels, she seems more like a robot then someone with actual feelings. It wasn't until they let her see what had happened to her old home that she sparked up and gave district 13 what they wanted. That's how it is in your piece. Your character lacks emotion, making what they say seem robotic and hard to connect to.

When your MC questions why they survived the fire it feels cliché and boring. I want to know why THEY think that it was for nothing. What kind of religious views do they have? If this person was a Christian then most likely they would be cursing god or thanking him. When you throw something into the story you need to ask your self questions. How would I react in this situation? What would someone most likely be feeling? By doing so you build a foundation your reader can connect to.

That being said, you want to show not tell. Meaning you want to make your readers feel as if they are in the story. When your character feels hollow how exactly do they feel hollow? Are they depressed and if so what are their feelings?

Basically.....

"SHOWING is for making the reader feel they're in there: feel as in smell, touch, see, hear, believe the actual experience of the characters."

"TELLING is for covering the ground, when you need to, as a narrator (whether the narrator is a character, or an implied, external narrator in a third person narrative). It's supplying information: the storyteller saying "Once upon a time", or "A volunteer army was gathered together", or "The mountains were covered in fine, volcanic ash". So it's a little more removed from the immediate experience of the moment."

Your writing also has a considerable amount of both spelling and grammatical errors. Make sure you proof read before you post something as not to make your writing look clunky and hard to read.

In the end I do think that this needs work. It is a good start and it obviously has potential to become something better. Just make sure that what you write has meaning, it isn't just there. Make sure you add emotions to your characters so they don't seem so robotic, and above all add depth to this piece. I also didn't a feel of fantasy, try to incorporate at least a little bit now so your reader isn't thrown a curve ball. I guess all that's left for me to say is try, try and try again. Hope I helped give you the foundation you need to make this story even better.
Good luck and Continue writing---- Myjaspercat