I look down too see my shiny new red high heels, strapped up all the way to my knee's. They have shiny red ruby's on them, glimmering brightly from the orange sun coming from the window that has no glass. I twirl around my chocolate coated dress while seeing my beautiful self in the broken mirror. It was a new dress that I bought in the market place made out of diamonds, they sell beautiful clothing there. I entered the strange room. I sat down on the couch and frowned. No one wanted to dance with me. Then a hand appeared. It was a boy! I thought. But no, it was a girl who wanted to dance with me. She grabbed me, and ran away. That was when I started realizing that only children can see the true beauty in women. I when bankrupt after buying that dress. How stupid of me, to not realize that she was my daughter. That I just failed her, by being drunk right in front of her. My dress tore apart in a million pieces. leaving me and my wounded daughter alone.
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
A poem is structured in stanzas. These are sentences, therefore this is a paragraph
It should be knees, not knee's.
It should be rubies, not ruby's.
You could use commas and "conjunction words" to make your paragraph sound less choppy.
You used a few words repeatedly.
This could be a better paragraph if you change a few things.
That's my opinion.
Yup.
Okay, first, this is not a poem, a poem is organized into stanzas or at least broken up. This is a paragraph.
Second, its skips around so much you become easily confused and lost in the imagery you're trying to create. You paint some very vivid images in single lines, but it is too choppy to comprehend what exactly is happening.
Third, the grammatical issues begin in the first sentence. "I look down too see..." That should be 'to', not 'too.' It is littered with several errors like this.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh or rude, but I'm just trying to be honest. Even as a short story this still needs work.
Hello there HUA!
Well I'm gonna start off by saying this was actually very hard to read, because it seemed to jump around a lot. Not that that is a bad thing, but in this case it was a slightly bad thing. I was intrigued by your opening sentence, but as I read I quickly became confused by the changing dress. It starts out as chocolate covered then it changes to be made out of diamonds. that kind of confused me.
Another problem I noticed is that is seems very rushed and the thoughts are very choppy in places especially towards the end.
But other that that it is a very cute short that could use a little bit of fleshing out.