It was a damp autmn night. The ground of Montsally-On-Hill, the village in which Ilna Salisbury lived, was covered in a soft layer of slowly decomposing leaves. They were heavy with rain when picked up, all the more since, on a warmer day, they would have been light and dry. They left a small patch of moisture and a few bits of dirt upon the place they had just left.
Ilna was staring at such a patch. It seemed strange to the ten year-old that a thin and brittle being like the leaf she was holding up could hold so much water, and become so heavy. However, she had no time to dwell on this: she was called back inside by a shrill call, "Ilna!"
It was said, earlier, that Ilna had not made young friends like most children of her age. This did not, though, stop her from living up to the other things one would expects ten year-olds to get up to: this included pranking, ignoring duties and chores, getting dirty and wet, and running away from home to do some exploring.
On that day, Ilna had managed to do all four of these things in one go.
The girl dropped her leaf, a child caught in wrong-doing; she was torn between returning to the house and facing her mother's anger, and running away to temporarily escape it. The second option would, she reasoned, end the same, but with a harder scolding; she picked the first.
Slowly, she walked back along the leaf-covered street to the small wooden house which was hers and her mother's. The hood of her jacket over her head to escape the dripping rain, her feet trailing her muddy boots with them, she trudged through the puddles, taking as long as possible while keeping a clean conscience: she was coming, right?
Finally, she reached the equally wooden front door, and pushed it open. In the back of her mind, a thought tried to push it's way through: was it not a bit strange, that Miusa had not called again? That all was silent? Wasn't it peculiar that the doorway was mother-free, the atmosphere scream-less? Was there not something a bit off? But Ilna's mind was concentrated on the scolding she would get, and the thought was pushed back amongst, to her, ones that were much more important: what would her mother say to the fact that she was covered in rain and mud? That she had not cleaned her room? That she had run away? What would she say about the bucket of cold water placed onto the door?
Ilna opened the door wide. Inside, all was quiet. There was no sign of her mother, and the common street sounds seemed to be muffled by her absence. Ilna's eyes swept the room, which served as a kitchen, living room, dining room, play room and workspace all at once. A door at the other end was open, and, at the bottom, Ilna's thought of a prank: the bucket once placed on top was lying on the floor, the latter drenched with water.
But the bucket was not the only upturned thing in the room. In the very middle lay a shattered vase, and, amongst the shards of glass, the splintered remains of a piece of wood and a single, red rose.
Ilna ran. She was scared, very scared, but she had still managed to find the energy to run. The horrible picture still swam before her eyes: the door ajar, no signs of her mother, the silence, the broken things. The vase that now lay shattered had been an old gift from Ms Billson, and the rose one of her flower shop too - where had all the wood come from? - but it was not to Ms Billson's that Ilna now ran, it was to Mrs Dillus's. She lived furthest, ten minutes walking from Ilna's house; but Ilna knew her best, and, right now, she needed comfort.
Had her mother's cry of "Ilna!" been a call for help? Of course she would have called her name - Ilna's name was the only thing that Miusa had always been able to remember. Why, oh why, had she taken her time? If only she'd come quicker... But what had attacked Miusa? For Ilna was sure someone, or something, had attacked her. What had it done to her? Could... could her mother still be in the house, hurt? Should Ilna go back? But no, what if the thing was still in the house? Better go to Mrs Dillus for help...
Mrs Dillus's, though ten minutes away by foot, was reached in barely five by a panting Ilna.
"Mrs Dillus!" She screamed, "Mrs Dillus!" Mrs Dillus opened the door, a frying pan in her right hand.
"What is it?" She yelled, looking over Ilna's head and into the street. "Has someone been killed? Robbed? Did the doctor step on my flowerbeds again? Is the tourist with the ten-legged camera back? Did - oh, dear!" She exclaimed, noticing Ilna. "Ilna, dear! You - have you been crying?" Mrs Dillus's gaze softened - Ilna's eyes and face were indeed filled with tears - but then it hardened again. "I'll catch whoever did this to you, I will! Tell me dear, what has happened? Why have you been crying?"
But Ilna seemed to be beyond speech. She cried and sobbed, unable to stop, and was led inside by a bewildered Mrs Dillus, and sat on the flowery couch. It took ten minutes to calm her down: every time she showed signs of doing so, she suddenly remembered what she had come for, saw a dead Miusa in her mind, and started off again. Finally, she chocked: "Mrs Dillus - t-the house! I - no - my mother - vase..." She gave a great wail, then blurted out: "I was outside and then I heard my mother call but then the house - I came in - inside, the, the, the broken vase, and a rose and the wood, and no - no mother!"
"Your mother was not in the house?" Mrs Dillus asked, in a reassuring voice. "But then, dear, she'll have been in the garden! What's all this talk of a broken vase? I'm sure your dear mother will have knocked it over at one point, no need to worry. Did you call for her?" Ilna suddenly felt very foolish. No, she hadn't called. She'd ran away, without a backwards glance - Mrs Dillus was right, her mother would have been in the garden... But then, why had everything been silent? Just me imagining things again, she thought. She declined the old lady's offer to accompany her home - Mrs Dillus was very slow - and then set off back through the village, feeling childish and foolish all the way.
When Ilna got home, she found her mother, indeed, waiting in the garden. "Ilna!" She called. "You took very long to come! I called for you..." She checked the battered old watch on her wrist, "Twenty-five minutes ago! Whatever did you get up to in that time? Anyways - come help me with the lettuce, it needs to be collected."
"What?" asked Ilna, as she bent down to help her mother.
"Sorry, Ilna, not 'What'" the latter corrected.
"Yes, yes sorry - but didn't you call me to scold me about the bucket of water?"
"Whatever are you talking about?" her mother questioned, looking sincerely ignorant. "A bucket of water? Scold you? Ilna - do not tell me you placed another one of those 'pranks'! I've had enough for a lifetime!"
Ilna frowned. The bucket of water had been upturned when she'd come in; who, if not her mother, could have done so? Unless it was Miusa's worsening memory playing her tricks? But she'd never forgoten happenings before, only duties... Ilna stood up, suddenly, and walked out of the garden. She opened the door. She looked inside.
There were no traces of the bucket, nor the water, nor the splinters of wood; there, on a shelf, stood the vase, a single rose prodtruding from the top, perfect. Ilna's mouth fell open. She hadn't dreamt it, she was sure of that. What was happening?
She walked to the spot where the upturned bucket had been. She could still see a few long, swirling traces on the stone floor, like those left when someone mops up water with a rough mop...
Quick as ever, the girl ran to the old mop leaning near the windowsill. It was still slightly wet. "Mother?" Ilna called.
"Yes, Ilna?"
"Did you use the mop today?"
"Your questions are becoming stranger and stranger!" Miusa laughed. "I used it a week ago, that's enough, I think? Or are you on a quest to completely rid the house of dirt and filth?"
Ilna stared at the wall. How many mops stayed wet a week long?
***
Ilna lay in her bed. She had a bedroom to herself, which was luxury compared to the usual Montsally-On-Hill standarts. It was on the second floor; the second floor was made up of three rooms: Ilna's bedroom, her mother's bedroom, and the tiny bathroom. All were relatively small, and, together, added up to the same space as the first floor. The first floor was only one room: that which served as a kitchen, living room, dining room, play room and workspace all at once.
Ilna was staring at the ceiling. This had been a very, very strange day. The broken vase; the splinters of wood; the cold water bucket prank having succeeded, but on whom? Mrs Dillus; her mother home, but not remembering anything; the broken vase as good as new; the mop traces on the floor; the mop still wet... She recited them in her head, as if that would help. Again, and again, and again, until she finally drifted off to sleep...
Her dreams were troubled. There were leaves that turned into dots, and Mrs Dillus pouring a dot-filled bucket over her head, then the bucket shattering, leaving a single rose on the floor - then her father, staring down onto her. She had never seen him before, but she somehow knew that this was her father; he had shoulder-lengthed black hair, the inverse of her blond ones; his eyes were blue-green, like hers, and his nose was the same, too... With that, she felt like she wanted to wake up. She tried to open her eyes.
That's when she realised that they were already open. She was really, truly staring into her father's grinning face.
"Hi," he whispered. "I'm Authbert. Dad to you, I guess!" His grin turned even broader. Ilna wanted to scream, but she found that she couldn't. Authbert Salisbury, her father, stretched out a hand: "And you would be...?"
End of chapter
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Hello dear readers of my potatoatic texts!
I'm sorry if it's maybe a lil creepy, there was no 'lil creepy' button... I would have put 16+ maybe (or maybe it's fine cause it's not enormously creepy) but I'm, like, 13, so it felt kinda strange to do that? Tell me if you think I should or if I'm worrying for nothing, I'm not sure what type of content 16+ and 18+ mean - I put 12+ just in case maybe that's good? Anyways I really don't know so give me feedback pls!
-HMMHhehe the potato
hello and happy review day! let's get to reviewing
just have to say i did accidentally skip chapter one, so if i say something incredulously idiotic, that may be the reason. one of the reasons, at least...
i adore this description! it's so vivid... though, i think the hook could be stronger. 'It was a damp autumn night' is a teensy bit generic, and at least for me, it didn't spark a ton of interest in the story (it was your second line that drew me in!).
these two sentences have a pretty similar cadence (at least the first one and the beginning of the second) with three syllables before a parenthetical element. you could switch up either to avoid it reading repetitively or robotically.
in comparison i love the repetition here! to me it reads more like alliteration (if that's the right word... i mean, it technically only refers to letters or sounds, doesn't it? parallelism? hmmm...)
i do however think some sentences have a tendency to get very long, and i found it difficult to digest all of the information they gave me at times. it led to me having to go back a bit and reread.
like here:
or here:
for this one specifically i'd also recommend trimming, breaking it up, or adding a 'with' to the beginning. i don't think it's necessarily ungrammatical, since it does contain an independent clause, but there are a lot of dependent clauses before and after.
i'm not sure if 'amongst' is the right word here? if she had a thought about where her mother is, but it was pushed back because she instead focused on the scolding, then that thought wouldn't be amongst the thoughts of her scolding? wouldn't it be behind or below the thoughts she is actively thinking, relating to the matter she is focused on?
i have to mention, though, the bucket on the door is really funny....
this sentence is really long. is there a way to break it up or shorten it?
i think this sentence could be elevated by being broken up instead of having both a semicolon and a colon.
i think there are ways to rephrase this to avoid using so many commas. that's a stylistic choice, though.
i'm unsure what 'ones' is referring to here? her hair? because hair, unless talking about the actual hair strands, is a singular noun i'm 99% sure. if you meant something like her blond locks or curls, you'd have to say that directly since it hasn't been mentioned before. also 'shoulder-lentghed' should be 'shoulder-length'.
overall this was great piece that flows well, and i loved the mystery of it! thanks for sharing!
Hello there, potato! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the spooky S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Ilna at first thinks that her mother was hurt so she runs to Mrs. Dillus for help, who tells her that perhaps her mother is in the garden. She goes to check and yes, her mother is in the garden and she doesn’t know a thing about what happened inside. Later, Ilna meets…her father?!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like how Ilna thinks of running when she sees how out of order everything is and after talking to Mrs. Dillus, it shows that she’s a kid who still gets frightened by what looks like something terribly wrong had happened. I also like that she at first thinks she’s dreaming about her father but then realizes she isn’t, it makes the scene more uncanny. (I think the vase and the bucket have something to do with her father coming in but I’m not sure).
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a quite lovely chapter! I personally don’t think that this chapter needs a 16+ rating but those are just my thoughts. I have enjoyed reading this and…
I wish you a wonderful day/night! ^v^
Yaaaaay thank you for the review!!!!!!!!!!!! And also for the comment on how creepy it is ^^
Yw!
Good evening. Let’s head straight into Ch2

This is kinda a redundant sentence, no? “ all the more since, on a warmer day, they would have been light and dry“
I like this as a payoff for the previous paragraph: “On that day, Ilna had managed to do all four of these things in one go.“
I know we are with a kinda omniscient narrator but it still feels kinda strange to hear the narration refer to her mother as Miusa when everything else has been kinda adjusted to Ilna’s perspective. So wouldn’t “her mother” make more sense here?
Idk why being scared zaps the energy to run? “she had still managed to find the energy to run.”
*blinks* “where had all the wood come from?“ …what wood?
The splinter from earlier? At least that’s what my brain registered and immediately glossed over o__o
Also… I am a bit confused, it feels like she didn’t really look for her mother, only saw the destruction in the entry way… so maybe I am lacking more information why she’s immediately jumping to the worst conclusion here?
I do like that she know thinks this might be her fault for being tardy. Aww ☹ Poor girl!
Lol “Is the tourist with the ten-legged camera back?”
Uhmm… maybe it’s not a good idea to throw out a hard time frame like “it took her 10 min to calm down” bc… why isn’t Mrs Dillus thinking of idk going to her mother? A distraught child probably would need her parent, right?
Small typo: “she'd never forgoten happenings” forgotten.
Hmmm don’t you mean “events” here?
Ohaaa if even the vase isn’t shattered something very strange is going on indeed! Was it a vision? Or something else entirely? Ilna’s imagination maybe?
Ohaaaa wait someone REPLACED the entire vase? What for? What is happening? Ahhhhh
I think, given the prologue, I suppose the splinters of wood have a special meaning!
And that ending!!! Just what is going on!!! Is she gonna wake up and realise that too was just a dream?
I’m interested!
As for if it is too creepy? I dont really think so? I think this is fine :3
Join the fight! Write more reviews!
Yaaaay thanks for the review!!! I'm going to replace the typo, thanks! Also, if I never edit my work after reviews, it's just - I don't know - it feels kinda unfair if you know what I mean? For the first person, like I don't give them credit, and then the second person isn't with the og - whatever, maybe it's kinda dumb.
Anyways! For the being scared part, a psycologist told me that if you manage to run, you're not too scared yet; if you're really dead scared, you get like parallised or something and you can't. So I thought I'd add that in my text ^^
yeah I was refering to the splinters for "all that wood"
You're right, I shouldn't have made it 10 mins to calm down - it's dumb for the story, but I wasn't sure how much time to put in. But that's what reviews are for, so thanks again!!!
And for how the vase reappeared... I'm planning on making this fantasy, so if that gives you and idea ^^
And thank you for replying on the creepy-ness (is that even a word??)
I love answering questions the author asks so ofc I would answer yours XD

(I do that with all my stories too, putting questions in the comments!)
As for the freezing instead of running, I think that makes sense