Suddenly, a voice sounded through room.
"All Level Ones, please report to the West Lyceum, immediatly."
Ilna looked up from her book, startled. She had lost track of time. Why was she still here? Wouldn't anyone come to get her? How could she have let herself be absorbed in this book? She should have been exploring, finding out where she was, how to get out of this place and back to her mother.
The voice sounded again: "I repeat, all Level Ones, please report to the West Lyceum immediatly."
What was happening? Ilna asked herself. She hated having no idea what was going on. Where was her father? Hadn't he promised to show her around? Her anger at the man surged up again. He had abandoned her and her mother, had forced her to abandon her mother, and now he was abandoning her again? Not that I would have been much better off with a psycopath like him... Ilna thought darkly.
Ilna stood up, stuffed her book back into its shelf and took a tentative step towards the far end of the room. When nothing seemed to happen, she started to walk. She reached the desk she'd spotted earlier, and started to jog. When she passed the cupboards, she was running.
For the first time, Ilna was scared. She was in the middle of an unknown place, and had no one, nothing. She passed many other random islands of furniture, but didn't stop for a closer look: she had spotted a small wooden door a few meters off, at the far end of the room, opposite of her bed.
When she finally reached it, she grabbed the small bronze handel and wrenched the door open - then, for a long moment, she stood blinking in the sunlight.
As she became accustomed to it, Ilna discovered her surroundings:
She was standing behind the doorframe, arm held out straight in front of her, the handel in her hand; the midmorning sun was half-blinding her with light. Countless small huts were placed here and there all around her; a river topped by a small bridge flowed lazily a few huts off; a tall ash tree loomed over her nearby.
Ilna stepped outside, awestruck by this setting. She had never been anywhere else than Montsally-On-Hill - she only knew about other places from the books her mother owned. She stared at the old ash tree, at the huts, at the river and the bridge. The sun was as warm on her face as on a hot summer at her village, and yet it was autumn. She did a few steps, and looked back at her enormous room; it must seem out of place amongst all of this exotic vibe.
She saw a small wooden hut glaring down at her.
Ilna looked back through the door - there it was, the hundred meter long bedroom. She looked back at the hut. How could this be?
Ilna did a few turns around the hut, but nothing changed. She ran once around the room from the inside, but everything stayed the same. The other huts didn't have any windows, just like her own, and their doors were locked. Frightened, Ilna sat down under the ash tree, looking at the river. She didn't dare approach the room-huts, now that she'd seen what she had.
Maybe this was all a dream, Ilna thought for the second time. But then, a bitter smile stretched accross her face. This was exactly what characters in books always thought, and that always meant that it wasn't just a dream. It was like 'It's just the wind' and 'You can't be the murderer': if someone inside the book said it, they were wrong: someone would be spying on them, and the person had a lot to do with the murder. If they didn't, it usually was just the wind, and it was very possible that the person wasn't the murderer.
Ilna sighed. She leaned her head onto the bark of the tree. She wanted to get out of here, but she was scared that if she tried, she would end up discovering something else that was scary, and that shouldn't exist; like the fact that her tiny hut contained a hall-sized bedroom.
Suddenly, Ilna heard voices: they were coming towards her, from behind a corner. She quickly hid behind the large bulk of the ash tree, listening.
"...well, didn't go well... I wasn't expecting it, to tell the truth!" A voice was saying. Ilna realised that she had heard that voice before. And there was only one person that she had ever heard to talk so casually in this place...
"Talk about a family reunion!" The voice continued. "I came in through the Exit, in her bedroom, you know. She wasn't there of course: afternoon, it was, probably outside. But then someone had set up a prank, a simple bucket of water on top of a door - not very original, I must say - but, well, I wasn't expecting that was I? Scared me out of my wits, I smashed some old vase I'd forgotten we had with the Splinterer. Of course, there were no eyes to find, so the poor thing went bersek: started shooting splinters at the vase itself, I had to stop it manually. Imagine that!"
Ilna glimpsed two fingers rounding the corner around a hut, and quickly flatened herself against the tree. A second voice grunted its approval, and Authbert Salisbury continued:
"But that wasn't the worst part. I was looking around the rest of the house, when I heard someone opening the front door. I came back down to see the door slamming in my face! Whoever had been there had obviously seen the wreckage. I didn't want an investigation, obviously - would have complicated everything - so I had to clean everything, and manually again on top of things!"
The second voice let out a gasp. "Ah," it said in a low, rumbling voice, "I've always said we have nothing to do around them! So brave of you to go there on your own, Mr Salisbury, so brave!"
"Yes, yes," Authbert continued impatiently. Ilna slowly crept around the tree trunk as they walked, so as to escape detection.
"I had nothing but my Splinterer and my Repairer with me, so it was quite the thing. But I found my old reflexes again, and I must say I think that I made a great job of it!"
"Obviously, obviously." The second figure murmured.
"But what the fiasco when I finally came to see her in the night! I tried to explain everything to her, I promised her my help and was about to give her fame, wealth and glory - but she was a little rebel. Wouldn't hear a word of it. All for her mother, through and through."
"Ah, the little suck-up!" The second person commented. Ilna found this very unfair, as he was obviously sucking up to her father himself. Authbert continued:
"She might have changed her mind now. Anyways, I've learned from my mistake: I'll let her have around a good month's worth of proper education here, and then I'll make my proposal again. I should have known that her brain's been contaminated by Miusa's strange ideas. Caring for some old nobody instead of wealth and fame, I ask you!" Both of them entered Ilna's hut. Her father's companion made a comment on the open door, but the former waved it off.
A full minute later, both of them were running out of the hut again. Ilna saw that the person accompanying her father was a stout man with a bushy grey beard, but then she hid behind the ash tree again. The man was using a word that Ilna had only once heard: Mrs Dillus had said it the time that the doctor from Montsally-On-Hill had stepped on her flowerbeds.
"I don't know which is worse," her father was saying. "The danger she is to other people who's minds are clear, or the danger other people are to her who knows nothing of this world! Quick, she might have gone in the direction of the West Lyceum!"
Ilna didn't know what to do. She remembered a voice, earlier, telling all Level Ones to go to the West Lyceum. Maybe someone there could help her. She decided to follow Authbert and the man from afar, and set off at a rapid jog. This place definitly was strange.
End of chapter
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140,070 Literary Works • 672,989 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the macabre S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Ilna leaves the room and finds a hut in the woods. Even more so, she sees Authbert talking to some guy about Ilna and how she was wrong for not wanting to come with him. Ilna still plans her great escape.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like that Ilna is still angry at Authbert for taking her away and even more so at how he’s talking about Miusa. He seems to think that he’s entitled to Ilna. And I also like that even in her state of panic she’s still trying to escape, she’s trying her best!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a lovely chapter talking about the strangeness of the room and the woods. I have enjoyed reading this and I will be certain to read the other chapters that you post. Now…
I wish you a fabulous day/night! ^v^
Good morning!!
I do like the questions she asks herself in the beginning… tho I feel “How could she have let herself be absorbed in this book?” comes in a tad too strong.
And the realization abt what she could have done also comes a bit too late. No reason not to commit to the premise now ^^
Ohh I love this “islands of furniture” =D
And can I just say that I love how they are calling for level ones like that, with no explanation so far? That’s really good!
I think you could have been a bit more clear and deliberate here:
Yes, the room is obv bigger on the inside--- but this would have worked better if you have her think first that her room should look out of place, THEN look back to confirm and THEN be startled that there’s a wooden hut behind her. THEN she can confirm that there’s the giant bedroom visible through the door. I feel like this would have been the clearer throughline?
I don’t really like how she goes on this “in a book” tangent. I can’t really see how it serves the plot atm.
That is such an interesting things: I like this casual exposition! Though I feel like the dialogue itself sounds a bit…comma-heavy? Also, I’m not sure I understand the sequence correctly. You have him smash the vase because he was startled but then you have the Splinterer shoot at the vase which should already be gone by then? I am confused.
I feel like you didn’t need to tell us all this directly. It is very convenient that Ilna listens to this v important conversation and it leaves little to the imagination (aside from the weird magic used obviously). I feel like the entire thing goes on for too long and has too many pieces of information that I feel like could either be inferred from context or would make better reveals later, where you could work them in more naturally. (Maybe when Ilna starts to learn magic herself and then her dad could go “see this is what I had to do when you startled me in our house bla bla bla”)
I’m also confused why they didn’t lock her door when they are so concerned with her breaking out?
The ending is very strange to me 😊
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Tysm for the review!!! =D It's v helpful, I'll try to use all of this for further chapters. Have a wonderful day!^^
Hey, hello!
There are quite a lot of questions close together here and then again a few paragraphs later. They communicate Ilna's confusion, but too many rhetorical questions can make the narration feel repetitive. You could turn some into more direct thoughts or physical reactions so that people experiencing the panic rather than just being told everything she's wondering.
I do like that she became absorbed in a book despite wanting to escape, though. It tells me something about her personality and makes the later paragraph where she compares her situation to stories feel more natural!
This progression from walking to running is good! It gives me a sense of her fear gradually taking over rather than having her immediately panic.
However, I'm not sure what she's expecting to happen after the tentative step. Is she worried the room will react, that someone will stop her or that the floor might disappear? A bit more detail about what she's afraid of would make the hesitation feel more real, since all I know about her is that she's scared of something.
This sounds as though she hasn't been scared at any point before this, which surprised me considering she has been taken away from her mother and left alone with a man she considers a psychopath. Maybe this is the first time the strangeness of the place has truly frightened her? I'm not sure, but if that's what you mean, it needs to be more specific
The next sentence says she "had no one, nothing," but she does have the book and her surroundings. I understand that you mean she has no support or information, although the wording feels a little too absolute.
This sentence is a little awkward because we already know she opened the door and is holding the handle. Same with "Half-blinding her with light" since it repeats the same idea because light is what would be blinding her.
Hmm. "Glaring" gives the hut a hostile quality, which could be interesting, but I'm not sure that's what you mean. A small hut also wouldn't normally be able to glare "down" at someone unless it was raised above her or had features resembling a face. This moment may need a little more description because this is a big discovery.
I'm not entirely sure what she expects to change when she walks around the hut. Is she checking whether the room expands beyond it, or whether there's an illusion from one particular angle? You could explain her reasoning a little more. I'm also struggling to picture her running around a hundred-metre-long room and returning outside quickly. If it's that large, testing it would take some time and probably leave her out of breath. That could actually help emphasise how impossible the dimensions are.
This should be "whose minds are clear."
The meaning is also slightly confusing here. Authbert apparently thinks Ilna's ideas could contaminate other people, but I haven't seen her expressing any particularly dangerous beliefs. I assume he means her mother's values or her resistance to him, so it might help if he says that more directly?
***
There's a lot happening here and I like the central idea of enormous rooms hidden inside tiny huts! The announcement about the Level Ones and West Lyceum also gives Ilna a clear next destination, so by the end I have a good sense of where the story is heading, even if I haven't read the previous chapters.
Her anger towards Authbert is understandable, and the overheard conversation gives me a clearer idea of why he took her and what he plans to do. He's already coming across as vain and dismissive, particularly when he talks about offering her fame and wealth as though she would be ridiculous to care about her mother instead. I think the strongest moments in the conversation are when his personality reveals the information naturally. The weaker parts, to me, are where he seems to explain events purely because Ilna and the reader need to hear them. That come off as needless exposition for me.
The main thing I'd work on is clarity. There are several moments where I understand the general idea yet can't quite picture the exact action, particularly around Ilna leaving the room, examining the hut and watching the two men approach. There are also quite a few spelling mistakes throughout this chapter. I understand how that can happen, but I do think a little bit of proofreading wouldn't hurt!
Cheers, thanks for sharing this!
Lipton
Yaaaay thanks for the long review!!! I wasn't sure what to write on some of the spots you mentioned, so this is really helpful =D
I'm not great at spelling, so I will try and proofread more in that direction later, thanks for the tip!
I will also try to apply everything you said on further chapters, thank you again^^