The scratching of a pen
against a piece of paper
The scratching of a hand
against a thinker's head
I will tell you now:
I cannot stay forever
You say he will
Is that then what he said?
I must seek the world
The rolling waves, the sea
I must seek a quest
The soaring birds, the sky
I must leave you soon
It's who I have to be
He'll stay with you
I donnot dare ask why...
One day I might
regret leaving you so
One day I will
cry for your pretty eyes
I'll think of him
You're happier with him, though
It pains me much
He's the one I despise...
My heart is brave
enough to write these verses
My hands, too weak
to ever give them to you
Forever in awe
This heart your name rehearses
Eternally
This
lonely heart
is blue
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141,246 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
Heyy, Aster here! 🎀✨️
I'll try my best to express my views on this piece!
Firstttt, I absolutely LOVE the opening! The repetition of “The scratching of…” immediately caught my attention, and I especially liked the contrast between the pen scratching paper and the hand scratching a thinker’s head. It gives the poem a very restless, thoughtful feeling right from the beginning.
Secondd, I really enjoyed the imagery throughout the second stanza alotttt, the rolling waves, soaring birds and sky create this beautiful sense of wanting to escape and explore the world, while the speaker is still emotionally tied to someone. I think that contrast between freedom and attachment works really well here.
Thirdd, I loved the emotional aspect of the poem. The speaker knows they have to leave, but there's still regret, jealousy and longing underneath it all. I especially liked “You're happier with him, though” because it feels like the speaker is trying to accept something that still hurts them.
Now, onto a few areas for improvement! 🫡
First, I think some of the emotions could be shown through imagery rather than stated directly. For example, “He's the one I despise” tells us exactly what the speaker feels, whereas some of your earlier lines make us discover the emotion ourselves. Those images can make the piece stronger.
Second, I noticed that the rhyme scheme isn't always consistent. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if you wanted the poem to feel more lyrical, you could experiment with making some of the rhymes or rhythms more deliberate.
Third, I think the ending could perhaps be developed just a little more. I actually LOVE the idea of the heart being brave enough to write but the hands being too weak to give the poem away. That's one of my favourite ideas in the piece, and I think you could lean into that contrast even further.
Overall, I LOVVEEEDD your piece! It has such a wistful, romantic and almost wandering feeling to it, and I really enjoyed reading it. You can genuinely feel the conflict between wanting to leave and still wanting to stay, which I think is the heart of the poem.
I really appreciate the effort and emotion you've put into this! Hope to see more from you! 🎀✨️