Trees in the Sahara Desert

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was a lovely little tale. Its such a simple story in terms of what its trying to do and what is actually going on and I loved it. Its great at just conveying these very simple emotions that we're working with and painting a nice and powerful little picture in what's a pretty short piece here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The hot, dry deserts are like anger, getting past them is an accomplishment, but dealing with them is always the hardest of times. The Sahara Desert is the best example of this with very few water sources. Hundreds have died in the 1800s trying to cross it. Abdul Aziz was a travelling merchant, known to have discovered Lake Irshad on one of his journeys when he was trying to cross the Desert to give a large supply of equipment to Sultan Hussan I for a significant amount of profit.

It was a sunny afternoon in July, Abdul was well into 25 days of his journey through the Sahara and was leading his camel, Jabbar, which he brought from a local settlement a few days before. Abdul was quite hopeful that he’d make it through the Sahara in 2 days if he carried on at this rate and would meet the Sultan in less than a week.

The sun was now at its peak and Abdul was beginning to feel the thirst oftravelling. He hadn’tdrunk for a day and a half since he wanted to limit the amount of his water supply being used. Stopping Jabbar, Abdul unstrapped the box he was given by the settlement he visited containing several water bottles but, to his shock, they were all finished. This can’t be right Abdul thought in panic. He was getting much thirstier now and even Jabbar started slowing down from the heat. Abdul’s head started throbbing as he put the empty water supply box back onto Jabbar’s back.

The sun was still blazing above, mocking Abdul’s longing for water. It tortured the poor merchant whilst he tried to make it through the sands. But as his thirst overcame him, Abdul’s head hurt. He tightly shut his eyes, trying to stop the pain, but the idea of water was so powerful, he couldn’t stop it from making his head ache and his legs stumble.

But what was that in the distance? Was he hallucinating? The heat must have taken advantage of theexhausted merchant. Abdul peered at a vast, steep dune. But it wasn’t the giant dune that caught his attention, it was the date tree that stood on top of it. I’m hallucinating Abdul thought I’m too thirsty. But still, Abdul stumbled up the dunes, dragging poor Jabbar with him by the reins. As the pair got closer and closer, Abdul noticed that the Palm trees seemed much more real and started running with Jabbar who was now well behind his master.

They were edging nearer and nearer. Abdul launched himself desperately into the shade of the tree as Jabbar was dragged up. Abdul lay in the shaded sand spreading his arms out in exhaustion. Jabbar was still standing up, looking somewhere.

‘Sit down Jabbar,’ Abdul whispered. He didn’t have the energy to talk loud enough.

But Jabbar ignored him and started tugging his reigns, beckoning Abdul to get up. Reluctantly, Abdul stumbled but once he saw what Jabbar was looking at, that reluctancy became overjoy. On the other side of the dune was a vast lake surrounded by many more date trees, Abdul ran down the dune, his feet scorched by the sand as Jabbar chased after him.

Abdul washed his face in the water and lifted the empty bottles and barrels of water from Jabbar as the camel sat down.

‘Well, Jabbar,’ Abdul chuckled. ‘Because of this, we can refill our water supply. The Sultan will be very pleased at our early arrival.’

Hi there,

I'm here to leave you a review of your amazing work.

First of all,
I would like to say that this is an incredible piece you have written here. The way you described the sandy sands of the Sahara and the thirsty Aziz. Is just wow. I can see that you really took your time to write the details of what the dessert can be like and it almost seems realistic, as if it's some kind of realistic experience that happened.

"The hot, dry deserts are like anger, getting past them is an accomplishment, but dealing with them is always the hardest of times. The Sahara Desert is the best example of this with very few water sources. Hundreds have died in the 1800s trying to cross it."

This part really supports my statement that your description and narration is master class. The fact that you chose anger to represent the dry desert is very well thought out. Well done!

"Abdul Aziz was a travelling merchant, known to have discovered Lake Irshad on one of his journeys when he was trying to cross the Desert to give a large supply of equipment to Sultan Hussan I for a significant amount of profit."

I'm a bit confused about what the "I" means in that last sentence, it seems a bit out of place. Is it supposed to be like this? Am I reading it wrong? Or was it a typo? The funny thing about this part is Abdul's surname, Aziz. I've also used the same name for one of my characters in my novel, MaryAnna. But you will not see that until episode 7, which is not out yet. But what a funny coincidence, I thought. I like the name you've chosen for him, Abdul Aziz, it's a name that immediately makes you think of the Sahara without blinking or thinking too much.

Nice, nice.

The fact that you put Sultan in the middle is very appropriate, because I think in the old days there were a lot of these kingdoms, and instead of Emperor you put Sultan. Very apt, great thought.

"Stopping Jabbar, Abdul unstrapped the box he was given by the settlement he visited containing several water bottles but, to his shock, they were all finished. This can’t be right Abdul thought in panic. He was getting much thirstier now and even Jabbar started slowing down from the heat. Abdul’s head started throbbing as he put the empty water supply box back onto Jabbar’s back."

I love the panic and frustration you've put in here. It makes the story seem more realistic because you mentioned at the beginning that a lot of people have died trying to cross it. So now the readers will want to know if Aziz will die or if he will just get out.

"But what was that in the distance? Was he hallucinating? The heat must have taken advantage of (theexhausted) <<I think you've got a typo here, try splitsing the two words from each other)) merchant. Abdul peered at a vast, steep dune. But it wasn’t the giant dune that caught his attention, it was the date tree that stood on top of it. I’m hallucinating Abdul thought I’m too thirsty. But still, Abdul stumbled up the dunes, dragging poor Jabbar with him by the reins. As the pair got closer and closer, Abdul noticed that the Palm trees seemed much more real and started running with Jabbar who was now well behind his master."

The questions you start this paragraph with is very good, but I would suggestt raher to try and put them in a showing way. I mean for example, "Aziz rubbed his eyes in unbelieveble, he wanted to make sure he wasnt' dreaming and even pinched himself." Or something like that, it's just a suggestion.

"They came closer and closer. Abdul threw himself desperately into the shade of the tree as Jabbar was dragged up. Abdul lay in the shaded sand, his arms stretched out in exhaustion. Jabbar was still standing, looking off into the distance. Sit down, Jabbar,' Abdul whispered. He didn't have the strength to speak out loud."

That's good, you wispered and that makes it easier to relive your character.

""But Jabbar ignored him and started tugging his reigns, beckoning Abdul to get up. Reluctantly, Abdul stumbled but once he saw what Jabbar was looking at, that reluctancy became overjoy. On the other side of the dune was a vast lake surrounded by many more date trees, Abdul ran down the dune, his feet scorched by the sand as Jabbar chased after him.

Abdul washed his face in the water and lifted the empty bottles and barrels of water from Jabbar as the camel sat down.

‘Well, Jabbar,’ Abdul chuckled. ‘Because of this, we can refill our water supply. The Sultan will be very pleased at our early arrival.’"

That ending is very nice and sweet. Aziz and Jabbar didn't die of thirst. I love it. I'm definitely looking forward to part 2, if that's the case, because I think you've made an incredible start.

Your writing style is very nice and not to complex, it's easy to read and understand your story which makes it even more amazing. Great job! Keep up the awesome work and I hope to read more from you soon.

- Rinisha