Young Writers Society

Hi HB1103, Broady here with a short review! I'll firstly talk about the good stuff about this chapter, then I'll cover some possible areas of improvement and lastly wrap up with a short conclusion.

Firstly, thanks for letting me, as the reader, know that I should read Part 1 first before moving to Part 2. Now, I know the dystopian nature of the story and the existence of "Government Sancturies". This reminds me of two episodes in Star Trek Deep Space 9 where it was portrayed that the poor were forced into "Sanctuary Districts" to separate them from the rich and to maintain control over them.

Additionally, I think you did a great job with the descriptives and painting the picture of the responsibilities of the President. You seem to have some prior experience with writing about this Oh, and I also really loved how this seems to ignite a feeling of nostalgia in me due to the similarities of this story with The Lego Movie where a Lego minifigure in command uses his authority to ensure everyone lives by his rules as he wants society to be "perfect". Did you gain inspiration from watching the movie or from elsewhere?

Secondly, I think there isn't much room for improvement as your writing is really well-developed! I just think that maybe you could expound more on the idea of the Government Sanctuaries since it is not so clear what they do. Are they sanctuaries for the poor or living spaces for the population after a nuclear war (from WW3)? And for the third last paragraph, it would be better if you could space out the conversations like you did for previous paragraphs so it isn't just one long paragraph.

To sum up, I think you did a great job overall, and though there is definitely some room to improve, I think the story is well developed and the characters are pretty interesting thus far. Keep it up!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was quite the part two here to the little paragraph from earlier. I think you've done a wonderful job there in terms of telling us quite a bit about the government's side of things while also managing to keep anything that's truly revealing of the situation still a mystery. I think its a lovely followup to what that first part was.

Anyway let's get right to it,

President Bradley sat at his desk, a towering figure of authority in a room adorned with the grandeur and luxury befitting a leader of his stature. The polished mahogany surface of his desk was etched with intricate carvings and adorned with brass fittings that glimmered in the soft light of his office. The weight of his responsibility hung heavy upon him, as the fate of a nation rested upon his every decision.

In that moment, the grand doors of his office swung open with a force that betrayed the urgency of the news that was to follow. Carlton, his trusted advisor, stepped into the room, his face alight with excitement.

“Mr. President! I found it!” Carlton exclaimed, his voice quivering with excitement.

Bradley's sharp eyes narrowed in suspicion as he regarded the man before him, waiting for an explanation.

“Well, ever since the War people have been following your orders,” Carlton said, showing Bradley several images taken by CCTV of ordinary people doing as the Government ordered.

President Bradley's face twisted in frustration. It seemed obvious that the people would follow his orders - he was their leader, their commander in chief. What else were they supposed to do?

However, Carlton had more to say. His words pierced through the President's assumptions like a knife.

“Well... Sir, it’s been five years since the War. People aren’t following your orders because you’ve said so, they’re following your orders because they’re all mindless beings! They’ve been so used to having the same routine over and over again, they just do as they’re told becausethey’ve lost any sence.”

The weight of Carlton's words hit President Bradley like a sledgehammer. For a moment, he was lost in thought, pondering the implications of what his advisor had just said. He leaned back in his high-backed leather chair, his eyes flickering with a mix of curiosity and skepticism.

As he looked out of the expansive windows that offered a stunning view of the manicured White House gardens, he couldn't help but feel a sense of unease creeping over him. The grey sky and looming factories in the distance seemed to mirror the bleakness of the situation that he found himself in.

“Thank you, Carlton, I’ll take this into consideration,” the President said, his voice tinged with uncertainty. Carlton turned to leave.

“Wait,” Bradley said abruptly, his eyes locked on Carlton's retreating figure.

“Yes, Mr. President?”

“Tell all Government Sanctuaries to call their next announcements one minute early, I want to see if what you say is true.”

Carlton nodded, and with a sense of trepidation, left the room. President Bradley leaned his head on his fist and gazed around the room, lost in thought.

A few hours later, when the President was drinking his afternoon coffee, the doors to his office swung open. It was Carlton, once again, and another man who Bradley had never seen before.“Carlton,” Bradley said, slightly irritated that he’d been disturbed during his coffee break, “explain yourself.”“President Bradley! What I said was true, this man is a Sanctuary Guard. Let him tell you.” The advisor stepped aside, letting the Guard talk.“Mr. President, I was doing my job letting people leave the Sanctuary. As a guard, I make sure that everyone returns. Yet, someone didn’t return,” the Guard said in a rough voice.“Who!” Bradley slammed his hands on the desk, shocked that someone dared to disobey him. "Mr. President, I was performing my duty to ensure the safe exit of people from the Sanctuary. But, one person did not return. His former name was Derek Miller, numbered 3,803. We have tracked him, and are dispatching an officer and the guard to capture him. Would you like to suggest an appropriate punishment, perhaps a Stage 2 punishment?" Carlton asked, holding a thin file in his hand.

Bradley's eyes blazed with fury, his hands clenching tightly into fists. "No, Stage 2 would be too lenient. Impose Stage 1 punishment," he roared, his voice echoing in the room.

The air was tense with palpable apprehension as the weight of the President's command settled on the shoulders of his advisors. They knew that his decision would be official.