Published November 5, 2007
A light breeze ruffled a tall muscular girl's dirty blond hair. Small rain drops pelted the cement basketball court. The trees seemed unhappy and swayed stiffly in the cold weather. Brown and yellow leaves littered the puddle dappled ground. Another girl stood several metres away from the first as they threw a white and black striped football back and forth. A silent grunt or hiss of pain seemed to stand out from there somewhat grey surroundings. The streets where motionless except for the odd figure scurrying into buildings or shops.
"Hey you two! Get over here!"
A sharp voice broke the silence and lead the second girl to drop the ball and turn towards a tall dark skinned child around the same age as her. She smiled instantly recognizing it as her friends. She kicked the ball towards the first girl who's attention was drawn to the sky. The white-grey figure of a gull could be seen circling above. It's movements were sharp and effective as it glided effortlessly through the air. She smiled and thought only if I had wings...I would soar through the sky like a bird! Her attention was so drawn to the sky that she did not notice the pale tall boy that stood behind her. He stood there patiently his eyes resting softly on the girl.
"Hey!"
The other girl yelled enthusiastically before changing her expression and stopping.
"Oh... Am I interrupting something?" She retorted, rolling her eyes before turning back to the two other girls that awaited her at the bench.
The first girl smiled sarcastically and bent down to pick up the ball- But it was right in front of her. The boy was holding it in his left hand.
"Here"
He said cooly.
"Thanks..."
She mumbled before looking up. He had short black hair and oak brown eyes like her own. He was wearing a white shirt with green stripes and blue jeans. He smiled like a angel. It stunned her for a second.
She faked a nervous smile and began to slowly walk away. His beautiful eyes followed her for a minute. He turned and walked casually into the trees.
She stopped and turned around. He was gone but she let out a dreamy sigh before scurrying over to the 4 girls were sitting on a graffiti stained bench, chatting amiably amongst themselves.
She smiled "Sorry about that guys...I really don't know what happened there."
"Yah that was kinda weird Saffron" One girl agreed.
"Well I have to go get some lunch" Another broke out.
"Hey! I will come with you! Where are you going? Nick's?" A tall black girl called out.
"I am freezing!" One girl complained before standing up and walking away.
The others all parted their own ways. Some together and some on their own, until Saffron was left by herself.
She stood there her eyes set on a small white snowflake that drifted elegantly towards the ground.
She closed her eyes and breathed in slowly before pulling her black sweater on and lifting up the hood. She dropped the football and walked away.
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140,894 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
Thanks.
This is my original idea. Now I have completely changed it all. If you would like to cheque out the new visions here is where you can find 'em
topic24545.html
I had a bit of an issue figuering out which of the girls was talking and when, and some of the descriptions were a bit choppy. I did notice one glaring need for a comma but other than that I really like this, it seems to have the beginnings for a story or possibly be the actual ending. Like one of those stories that starts with the ending then goes through the events that led up to that ending.
Critique for you! :
A light breeze ruffled a tall muscular girl's dirty blond hair. Small rain drops pelted the cement basketball court. The trees seemed unhappy and swayed stiffly in the cold weather. Brown and yellow leaves littered the puddle dappled ground. Another girl stood several meters away from the first as they threw a white and black striped football back and forth. A silent grunt or hiss of pain seemed to stand out from their somewhat grey surroundings. The streets where motionless, except for the odd figure scurrying into buildings or shops.
Very well structured paragraph. Other than a few glitches, very well written.
"Hey you two! Get over here!"
A sharp voice broke the silence and lead the second girl to drop the ball and turn towards a tall dark skinned child around the same age as her. She smiled instantly recognizing it as her friends. She kicked the ball towards the first girl whose attention was drawn to the sky. The white-grey figure of a gull could be seen circling above. It's movements were sharp and effective as it glided effortlessly through the air. She smiled and thought, Only if I had wings... I would soar through the sky like a bird! Her attention was so drawn to the sky that she did not notice the pale tall boy that stood behind her. He stood there patiently, his eyes resting softly on the girl.
I love the description of the gull!
"Hey!" the other girl yelled enthusiastically before changing her expression and stopping.
"Oh... Am I interrupting something?" She retorted, rolling her eyes before turning back to the two other girls that awaited her at the bench.
The first girl smiled sarcastically and bent down to pick up the ball, but it was right in front of her. The boy was holding it in his left hand.
"Here," he said cooly.
"Thanks..." She mumbled before looking up. He had short black hair and oak brown eyes like her own. He was wearing a white shirt with green stripes and blue jeans. He smiled like a angel. It stunned her for a second.
She faked a nervous smile and began to slowly walk away. His beautiful eyes followed her for a minute. He turned and walked casually into the trees.
Goodness! Great description! HE sounds dreamy! *sighs dreamily*
She stopped and turned around. He was gone but she let out a dreamy sigh before scurrying over to the four girls were sitting on a graffiti stained bench, chatting amiably amongst themselves.
She smiled "Sorry about that guys... I really don't know what happened there."
"Yeah, that was kinda weird Saffron," one girl agreed.
"Well I have to go get some lunch," another broke out.
"Hey! I will come with you! Where are you going? Nick's?" a tall black girl called out.
"I am freezing!" one girl complained before standing up and walking away.
The others all parted their own ways. Some together and some on their own, until Saffron was left by herself.
She stood there her eyes set on a small white snowflake that drifted elegantly towards the ground.
She closed her eyes and breathed in slowly before pulling her black sweater on and lifting up the hood. She dropped the football and walked away.
I liked the ending very much-how she just simply dropped the football and walked away. Very dramatic.
Thanks Ayra!
You seem to be mixed up. I think you have misunderstood you must read it over once more...
I will do the corrections right away!
Thanks again!
Genevieve
xox
This was kind of confusing. You kept mentioning more and more girls and I was rarely 100% sure who was talking when and to who.
To remedy this, you should add on a bit about the girls in the beginning. You give a lovely [if not a bit choppy] description of the setting but I think you should say something like: '[insert number here] girls were sitting on a graffiti stained bench, chatting amiably amongst themselves.'
Also, you mentioned that they were playing football. However, you then say that the boy picked up the ball for her--did she drop it? We don't know. Also, who was she playing with? I know it's another girl but what happened to her after Saffron (pwnful name, by the way) went to talk to the other girls.
I'm not sure what form of writing this was. I'm presuming it's a Narrative, because we hear none of the girl's thoughts or opinions, but I don't know. It all depends on what you want it to be.
If you want this to be a Narrative, tell us what she's thinking and feeling.
OVERALL:
This was pretty good, asides from the things I pointed out above. I liked the story idea but it's slightly difficult to follow.
Keep writing,
.:AYRA:.
Thanks
I thought it was pretty good, but yes, there were some spacing errors. You could probably do some grammar checking also and I was kind of confused about who was talking and what was happening. Keep going! I would suggest reading it outloud to yourself, that way, errors are more prominent and you will know what to fix.
Ok, besides the point Twit has, (which I think is a good one) I noticed numerous errors throughout this piece. So, here is my indepth critique.
In the first paragraph, it's almost unexcusable to have an error. In the first sentence: "girls" should be "girl's". The rest of this bit has great description.
Huh? whats the pain from? I would anyway suggest changing it to "A" instead of "The" Also, "there" should be "their"
"she" should be "She" and I was confused as to who was speaking in this area. Give each character at least one distinguishing feature, and remark on that whenever it gets confused.
"Its" should be "It's" and there should be an "as" after "affective", Which is spelled "effective"
First off, "warring" should be "wearing" and "He smiled" is an incomplete sentence. Definitely more description here, other than telling us what his clothes are.
Overall, I think tha this would be worth continuing, but that you should endeavor to make it more grammatically sound before posting, as well as trying to edit out any other mistakes. I also wasn't too sure where you were going with this, whether it is a nature/animal fanfic, or a love story.
Don't take this too hard, I really think this has potential, and I'm only trying to help you improve it.
PM me if you have questions, comments, or if you'd like me to review one of your other pieces.
Thanks.
I know its called Gull...I just felt like putting se gull!
*Jack Sparrow like manner* Technically, there's no such bird as a seagull. The most common gull is a herring gull, or there's black-backed gulls, of which there is a lesser and greater variety. And of course the black-headed gull, which, true to its name, has a blackish head, though it looks most like brown to me.
... I found it rather difficult to get who was talking when. Maybe space it out a bit better?