Young Writers Society

I am editing my original 'Moonlight Seagull'
Here is the second Chapter post290075.html#290075


What is the point in a crush if you know who you like doesn't like you back...
I shook my head and peered back to look at Griffin. Yup. He was my crush. He had short gelled black hair and pale white skin. His eyes where a perfect creamy brown like mine. He had a godly smile that curved at the end of his lips and his voice was like a hundred angels singing. He has these elegant hands. They are thin with these long delicate fingers. I just wanted to reach out and grab them.
Get a hold of yourself Sam... He lifted his head and smiled up at me. I blushed and smiled back before turning my head back to my work and tried to concentrate. But with no luck.I exist! Oh my god. He smiled at me... I crinkled up my nose So what? One side of my said, He smiled at you! Another argued Shut up both of you! I thought. I know I am weird my body has two sides and they are constantly fighting against each-other.
You should be glad Sam. Just play it cool and keep doing your work! The second whispered, No. You should go up to him and talk. The other screeched. Stop butting in you two let me decide for myself... Ouch! What was that? I turned and looked down. Just beside my hip lay a small peace of white eraser. It almost reminded me of Griffins paleness. Against my red chair is seemed almost Vampiry. I picked it up and thought That's odd. Who would throw that? Haha. Vampiry. Ah... Who cares just get back to your work Sam! I placed the eraser on my desk and continued to try and work. I couldn't I let my eyes wander around the class. The floor was a light sea green tile. The walls where grey cement and seemed to let of cold. There was one large black board situated in the front of the room. Large diagrams and math problems where scribbled all over the board and small bits of chalk lay crumpled in the ledge bellow. There where 3 rows of 8 desks each occupied with one student. Most of the chairs where a rusty red with the rare dark green or blue. My chubby math teacher sat in top left corner of the room. Just beside the black board. I soon lost interest in my bland surroundings and turned back to my work. Who throws and eraser? Ouch... Not again. Now I am mad! I looked back and scanned the row of classmates Nope...to concentrated. Nope...sleeping. Nope...head back. Griffin? Oh god. I studied his face for a second. He had it slightly ducked down and a smile of amusement was flicked across his face. He was trying to look away from me but his eyes couldn't help it. He looked up at me once more and I almost died. All right mister here it comes right back at you. I smiled and prepared to flick Don't do it missy a smooth voice interrupted, Why? He threw two at me! I flicked the eraser as hard as I could and it landed smack dab right in his eye. He growled and began to vigourously rub his eye.

"Thanks allot Samantha. That's really helpful."

Oh god now look what you have done Sam! The same voice said disappointedly. Ew. He called you by your full name. The other said gingerly.

"Sorry..." I mumbled before turn back to my desk. I let my chin rest on my book and I closed my eyes. Haha! He so deserved that! Good for you. Now he sees the true side of you. The devilish tough girl. one cackled. I guess you are right. But I didn't mean to hurt him. I took one last glance and him. He was back to his work and was talking to his friends. I sighed. Good he isn't hurt I looked to the person beside him, it was Alicia. Her black hair was pulled back into a small pony tail and she had a hair banned wrapped around her forehead. She was glaring at me like I had done something bad. Why is she so mad. It was just an eraser. Not like Griffin is her son. I looked away and began to doodle on my binder. I felt uneasy, I new she was still glaring at me her ugly brown/black eyes burning holes into the back of my neck. I shivered and looked up at the clock. No sooner did I do that the lunch bell rang. Hallelujah I am free. Maybe I should run away from school and go home. I cant... No don't I am already half way through the day and its... I look up at the board MONDAY! I hate myself. I will survive. Right? Heh-heh
I stuffed my work into my binder and ran towards the ugly green door. But with no luck of course I had to trip. Down I went binder and all. All my work exploded into the air and slowly floated down to the ground around the room. Just great Sam. Your day couldn't get any worse. Seems as it did. I slowly began to pick my papers up when I heard a voice behind me.

"You dropped this Sam."

I slowly turned my head and my blood went cold. It was Alicia and she was holding a paper with hearts and Griffin's name all over it. I felt like disappearing but I couldn't I snatched the paper from her hands.

"Thanks." I muttered before trying to walk out the door without falling over.

Once outside of the class I shuffled over to my locker and opened it. I let my binder fall to the bottom of the mess and I pulled my sweater on and walked down the bland grey hall to the stairwell.
Sam. You are the biggest mess ever you should go home. But dad will kill you. No I have to stay at school. Why was Alicia so mad looking? I sighed I need to talk with Marisa. I wish she still came to my school. I miss her so much. I haven't seen her in weeks. She was my fateful cousin. She would never ever tell anyone anything I told her. She new that I liked Griffin. I really need to talk to her. I reached the bottom of the stairs and pushed open the door.
I smiled as the light breeze blew through me. I think I might just take a walk... Let my emotions clear out.

Overall I liked your story, you do need to be careful when showing the good and bad reactions it sometimes seemed a little chopped up. I also just noticed a few little details like 'write' instead of 'right'. I like where your story is headed, and I really do want to know what happens, which I think is a good sign. Good luck.

Very good start but you NEED to check your spelling and re-read atleast twice. Here is the mistakes you made that I corrected. :] Other wise very good. :]<---- ain't he cute!!?? Hehe.

I know I am weird my body has two sides and they are constantly fighting against each-other.

"Thanks alot Sam. That's really helpful."

I guess you are right.

But with no luck of course I had to trip.

I slowly began to pick my papers up when I heard a voice behind me.

I reached the bottom of the stairs and pushed open the door.

You have a few errors here. Like using "new" instead of "knew." And it should be "of course" instead of "coarse." Besides that, a good work. Unusual title too.

Thanks! I have tried my hardest to correct all my spelling errors and I will smooth out the choppiness over time!

Ok, so lets talk about this:

Ignoring the spelling, grammar and paragraphing issues, this wasn't a bad piece. You've set up your main character to be a klutz; that's good because it stops them being too brilliant, but is this not just a regular character stereotype? How many main characters have been clumsy in other books you've read? I'm guessing lots. So, not many points for originality, but we'll see how it goes.

So your main character hears voices in her head. That is weird, but it could prove to be the added pinch of originality that your character is lacking. At the moment, I don't particularly like the way you've shown this. You write each side and then label it as whether it is the good or evil side. This is telling and not showing. That's not good.

Solution? Perhaps you could show the different sides by giving them different voices. For example: the evil voice could be harsh, grating, gruff, or screeching. This would give the impression (backed up by the actual words, of course) that the voice is the 'devil on the shoulder'. The next step is to make the good voice into a sweet, kind, helpful, gentle sounding voice to show the reader that it is the good side. I'm not saying this is what you should do, but it's an option you could consider.

Alicia is clearly infatuated with Griffin too, which is good. Mainly good because Sam doesn't realise! This is actually quite funny, and very good. I'm glad that she doesn't already suspect it, and this tells us more about her character. Perhaps Sam will even confront Alicia about how she feels about him, and then Alicia will bite her head off (metaphorically speaking ).

Your style is informal but cluttered. You are dealing with all her thoughts and forgetting to describe the room and place around her. We get info-dumps of character descriptions, but this is not enough. You should probably spread out the description and add to it in the process. I haven't got a clear idea of the setting at the moment. You need to solve this problem.


All in all, it's a pretty good start. You can use this as the foundations for your next draft. When you rewrite this or edit it, try to keep these points in mind:

1. Description-- not too much, but not too little.

2. Show, don't tell-- you can give us parts of the character's personalities by describing their reactions to situations. This is important that you get it right.

3. Craft the voices-- don't let them get out of hand. See if you can find a better (and more readable) way of presenting them. At the moment it is messy. You can resolve that.


If you need help with any of these, just PM me and I'll see if I can help! Good luck with the edits.

Charlie

Yes I agree with you about the first bit. Overused and not very original. But... I just had to make her fall.

Yes I need the voices. But if I didn't say witch side was speaking then wouldn't that be a little complicated? I guess its worth a try. I will take away the 'good-side said' and the 'bad-side said' thing an see how it goes.

Okay. So I could say something like:

"Now look what you have done. You have hurt the poor thing" Chimed a gentle voice. "So what! He deserved it, the little brat" Screeched another.

Does that sound better?

I was pondering about the idea of Sam finding out that Alicia likes Griffin later on in the story.
[spoiler]
Like after a ruff night for Sam she really wants to express her emotions but has no one but Alicia over MSN. Then she is told Alicia's little secret.
[/spoiler]
That is how I was going to do it but if that sounds bad let me know.

You are so right I have been completely oblivious to her surroundings. I will do that.

Thank you so much DarklLight! You have been very helpful. I will start editing it as soon as I can. Then hopefully I will be able to get the next chapter up soon after that.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear. I think that the idea of Sam finding out how Alicia feels about Griffin is a great idea, and I thought it was good how she didn't realise at first! It's good .

What you've got to remember is that the reader isn't dumb. They'll be able to work out that the nasty voice and the gentle voice represent her nasty side and gentle side. I don't think that's too complicated at all! The piece of sample dialogue in your last post is perfect. That's the sort of thing I was looking for!

Ok, so if you aren't aware of the surroundings, then we haven't got a fighting chance . If you concentrate and work on it, you'll make the scene seem more real. If we can picture it easily, you give the reader less work to do and they can enjoy the characters more.

Don't worry about the fall. It happens, we can't avoid everything that's been done before otherwise there's very little left! If you can make it interesting (and you've already made it important to the story) then you shouldn't worry about it. It'll be ok.


Ok then! Give me a PM once you've redrafted it and I'll tell you if it's any better !

Charlie

Hehe, you had some pretty amusing typos. ^_^

He had short gelled black hair and pail white skin.

pail =

You want pale.

Get a holed of yourself Sam...

holed = stuck in here:



You want hold.

Allot = to break apart into groups.



You want "a lot."

She was my fateful cuisine.

cuisine =

I haven't a clue as to what this is supposed to be, but I'm pretty sure this isn't right.

Long story short? Don't trust spell check all the time. XD

Get rid of some of the italics... they're a little confusing to read. I'm not quite sure what's going on or which side is saying which. Of course, it is two in the morning, so I may just be confused, but still! See if you can distinguish them better.

Thank you Charlie last night I started to write chapter 2 with what you suggested. Surroundings and the voices. Now that I am clear on it all I will start to review my first chapter thank you so much you have been very helpfull.

Snoink. I don't know what I would do without you Thank you so much for the spelling help! Its very easy to understand with the pictures good idea! The cuisine is supposed to cousin like a my dads brother/sister's child is my cousin. Sorry I have some issues with spelling I will correct them now. Thank you so much!
Well I need her to think a lot. The two sids are getting sorted out XD

Thanks!
Genevieve