Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General

E - Everyone

To, The River

by GreyMatter


You're a stream of consciousness

I am but a passing thought to you

Onwards you flow in your course

Leaving me alone at the shore

Each time I come to discover you

You are not you but something new

This newness I desire too

I too yearn to drift away

To swirl down, to sail off with you

Towards plains of rice and grain

Towards new horizons, a fresh campaign

Together we shall flow

Not one bank visited twice

We will be merry on our own

Let restlessness be our vice

A new country each week

Each day, a new dawn

Until that day of reckoning

When the ocean beckoning

Calls us to unite

For all of the eternity

Into the estuary, we will fall

And for once, come to a halt


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 1486
Reviews: 19

Donate
Fri May 15, 2020 5:03 pm
mememimer wrote a review...



WOW. I really loved this poem! :o

With this short poem, you described the whole journey of the River. The following lines are the ones I loved the most:

"Each time I come to discover you
You are not you but something new"

There's a clarity of thought that is depicted in your way of writing the poem. And the oneness of the self with the river is absolutely a great concept!

"And for once, come to a halt" This line hit me differently. Its like a spiritual concept you brought out, like the going back to the higher entity, from where you originally came.

I really look forward to read your work! Keep writing! :)

Best wishes,
I




User avatar
54 Reviews


Points: 1261
Reviews: 54

Donate
Wed Mar 04, 2020 8:01 am
View Likes
BhavyaMehta123 wrote a review...



Hi @GreyMatter. I don not fall for poetry very easily. But you have done a great work ...

Being a nature lover . I could feel what you wrote and this is the way how I feel. I too feel very fascinated looking at river . I enjoyed how you explained the journey of river. telling about newness of river, desire to flow away with it , exploring a new place is what all I loved about it.

I just love the first TWO lines. I can not stop reading them.They are beautifully written.
As poem went on I could visualize the whole experience...
loved the ending as well...

All the best for future poems!!!
BEST WISHES FROM- @ BHAVYA




GreyMatter says...


Thanks a lot, Bhavya!





welcome@GreyMatter.
would love to read more of your work....



User avatar
93 Reviews


Points: 1136
Reviews: 93

Donate
Tue Mar 03, 2020 3:34 am
View Likes
Tawsif wrote a review...



Em, I'm not actually a native English-speaking guy. I mean, English isn't my first language. So, I don't know that much about poetry. But this was fantastic, and I thought I should share my feelings.

I like the depth of this piece. You went with it a nice flow like the river you mentioned. The theme is excellent. Flowing with the river, moving into unknown horizons, then finally halting to meet the ocean. It was really an excellent theme.

I love these lines:

'Together we shall flow

Not one bank visited twice'

'Let restlessness be our vice'

'Until that day of reckoning

When the ocean beckoning'

'And for once, come to a halt'

Like I said, I'm not an expert. I just wanted to say I loved this.




GreyMatter says...


Thank You Tawsif. I'm so glad you liked it.



Tawsif says...


You're welcome.



User avatar
1237 Reviews


Points: 35932
Reviews: 1237

Donate
Tue Mar 03, 2020 1:49 am
View Likes
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there, GreyMatter! Niteowl here to review.

Overall, I like the idea of addressing the river and wanting to join it. I also had never heard of that definition of the word "apostrophe", so that was fun. The opening lines are interesting--presenting the river as a stream of consciousness is both a play on words and some nice personification. The speaker then goes on to idealize the roaming nature of the river as they imagine traveling with it.

One thing that sticks out to me is that sometimes you use an ABAB rhyme scheme, and other times an AABB scheme. You might consider making it more consistent.

Each time I come to discover you

You are not you but something new

This newness I desire too


There's a lot of the "ooh" sound in these lines, which makes the rhyming feel a little repetitive. These lines could maybe be spiced up a little to make the rhyme less overbearing "...you have meandered somewhere new" would have some neat river imagery and move smoothly into "I too yearn to drift away" without the blah third line.

I too yearn to drift away

To swirl down, to sail off with you


"Swirl down" sounds weird grammatically. Maybe you meant "swirl around"?

Until that day of reckoning

When the ocean beckoning

Calls us to unite

For all of the eternity


The last two lines have an odd rhythm that ruins the nice rhyming you have going. Maybe you can make that third line longer with a little personification "Calls us to her salty lair" or something like that. I admit that wouldn't rhyme, but maybe you can play around until you find a line that has the right rhythm and rhyme.

Overall, I like this. It flows well and is a neat way of expressing a desire to wander through the metaphor of a river. Keep writing! :D




GreyMatter says...


Thank you. I will definitely consider your suggestions.



User avatar
264 Reviews


Points: 2924
Reviews: 264

Donate
Mon Mar 02, 2020 3:43 am
Horisun wrote a review...



Hello, GreyMatter! As you've probably guessed, I'm here to review your poem.
I really enjoyed the FLOW of the poem! (See what I did there) It was a smooth read, and your word choice was great. I also didn't see many spelling/grammar errors, either. So good job!
However, my one gripe with this is that it seems a little all over the place with its focus. It starts out seeming like it's about being left behind, then it seems to be about adventure, and then it's about rejoining one whole. I don't know, though, that's what I got out of it.
Other than that, it was very well written, and I really enjoyed it. I look forward to reading more from you in the future! Have a great day!




GreyMatter says...


Thanks Horisun! I'm glad you liked it.




Who knew paper and ink could be so vicious.
— Kathryn Stockett, The Help