Lights flashing through the haze of smoke as music blared. Reds and greens reflected off the polished surface of the bar top. Glasses clinking around me as I sat at a bar. Ignoring the male population that was within an arm's distance of me, I stared down at the glass of Jack Daniels I had. Fingers trailing against the ridges of the glass while listening to the conversations around me, created a peace within me. The rock music blaring just seemed to help set the mood for the rambunctious crowd that was in there that night.
Fingers brushed the bare skin of my arm causing me to grasp the glass, praying it wouldn’t shatter. Looking up, I glared at the person who dared to touch me. Staring down at my face with eyes that looked like melted chocolate, was a random guy.
“What do you want?” I asked, glaring.
“What do I not get a hi or a hello?” he responded back.
“Says the strange guy talking to a random girl at a bar,” I said. “So no, you don’t get one. Answer my question.”
“Well damn, you a feisty one,” he chuckled. “I wanted to see if I could buy you a drink, girl.”
“Are you blind or something?” I asked. “I obviously already have a drink, you dumbass.”
Watching his expression go from lust filled to anger filled, he stepped closer to me. I turned my head to not look at him after he got in my face, breath smelling strongly of alcohol.
“I am going to buy you a drink, little lady,” he slurred. “I don’t care if you don’t want it, you are going to take it.”
“You are nothing but an asshole,” I spat. “I am not a mild mannered woman like you are probably used to having hanging off your every word.”
“Listen here you little bi...” he started before I cut him off.
“No, you are not going to call me names,” I stated.
I turned on the stool, till my back faced him. Grabbing my purse, I slid off it, and slid the money to the bartender to pay for my drink. The sound of metal hitting wood, made me jump and stare at the stranger who just would not get the hint.
“Where do you think you are going doll?” he asked, leaning into my space again.
“Nowhere with you,” I replied, angrily.
A man nearby noticed the scene that you were trying to make, and stepped over to stop it. Between the two of you, I felt so overwhelmed so I dropped my gaze down to the floor.
“What is going on here?” the stranger asked, his eyes flickering between me and you.
“I was just enjoying a peaceful drink before this asshole of a guy that it was okay to interrupt,” I answered, my voice steady.
“I offered to buy her a drink,” he interrupted. “She was the one who was the asshole after that.”
It was at that moment I wished your pathetic excuse for hair was long enough for me to grab, so I could slam your head against the bar’s counter. Your brown eyes mocked me, daring me to do something, to be more than a typical female.
Before the man could say anything I walked away, flipping you off as I slid into the crowd. Before I disappeared fully into the smoke and noise I stopped, and looked back.
“Sorry, I don’t like drunk men,” I shouted over the music. “Maybe you need to rethink your life.”
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Lies and Deceit- Chapter 1 *Edited*Points:
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140,073 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hello! Wow, this was pretty good! I already want to meet this lady. While a woman being harassed at a bar is a little cliche, things are cliche for a reason! The only confusing part was suddenly calling the stranger you, then going back to he, and then back to you. I have no problems with second person, it can make for very interesting stories, but suddenly using it for a line or two was strange and out of place. I don't know if you noticed you were doing it, but you should pick one to use or suddenly start using you for the entire thing at a relevant point, such as when your character speaks directly to the man. The atmosphere was set just from that one paragraph and the reactions of the people, so it was very easy to visualize, which greatly helped your scene. The only other thing I have to say is it doesn't really feel like the start of a book, more like a scene in the middle of a random event or an introduction. It needs more to be a full start. Other than that, it was excellent!
[EDIT] Sorry, didn't know there was a prologue! I'm gonna go read it now!
Hi there. Desdemona here to drop a review.
Very interesting story you've got here, though the tenses you used were really confusing to me. One minute, you're in the past tense, and the other, you suddenly shift into the present tense. This is one of the biggest mistakes you can make as it both confuses your reader a lot, and drops the quality of your writing greatly. I would suggest sticking to one tense until you really have to change it.
In addition to that, you use sentence fragments a lot. Sentence fragments are those phrases which lack certain things to make it a full sentence. Your first sentence is a very good example of this.
"Lights flashing through the haze of smoke as music blared."
Look here, the shift from present tense to past tense is both ugly to look at and confusing. In addition to that, your shift of tenses has made this sentence into a fragment. Try this instead;
"The disco lights flashed red and blue through the haze of smoke as music blared through the loudspeakers."
You see? That's a better read, and by using extra adjectives, I made it more descriptive, helping the reader set up an image in their mind. Imagery is very important in a book or novel and you should implement it wherever you can.
In addition to that
"Watching his expression go from lust filled to anger filled, he stepped closer to me."
Now. When you start with words such as idk, watching or doing, with a comma afterwards to introduce a subject, the subject must be the one performing the action mentioned before, in this case, the person who is watching, or the girl.
Try this instead: "As I watched his expression go from lust filled to anger filled, he stepped closer to me" See? Introducing the subject in the first part of the sentence removes all problems.
One last thing. In the last lines, you started referring to the man as you instead of he. Always proofread your stories. Don't fall into errors like that. These make your story hard to understand and discourage your readers.
Anyways, you've done a good job on this one. Just pay attention to the details I told you and always reread your work before publishing. Never hurry. If you have any questions, PM me here. I'll be checking up on you to see what you come up with
Keep writing!
Love, Des.
Thank you! Sorry for errors, this was something I come back too after a while so it was a rushed transition that didn't go over smoothly. I will work on editing the chapter, and maybe just post it ahain, just edited.