Author's Note: Hi, everyone. This is the first chapter of a fiction novel I've been planning on starting for the last few weeks now. The main character is inspired by a sketch a friend of mine did. (Which is weird cause she doesn't really appear in this chapter...?) Anyways, reviews and comments are appreciated. Enjoy! :D
Daughters.
Many a midnight ago, when the wild chrysanthemums would bloom in radiant harmony and the great blue sky would breath life into every living thing with its gentle twilight breeze, there lived a squire. This squire was no ordinary squire, for he had single-handedly mastered all of the secrets of the universe. When the gentle evening rains would not fall from the sky and the sweet Summer fruits would not fall from the treetops, the people of the Earth would flock to his hilltop mansion in search of the guidance which had given him such an illustrious reputation.
The squire and his wife lived in decadent splendor and every last amenity of luxurious extravagance could be found within the mansion's walls. Visitors not in need of his legendary insight strolled quietly through the seven vast gardens surrounding the manor like ants through an undiscovered forest of dew-covered grass. Many a lost soul had peered into one of the fountains at the gardens' centers in the hopes of finding answer to the questions which romped wildly throughout their fickle hearts. It was said that one could never see them self so clearly until they saw them self through the sparkling veils of each fountain's silent pool. People came and went as they pleased and all was well in the universe. Then mankind was cast into an infinite darkness...and nobody knew why.
---
"Yes, My Lord," murmured the attendant "It's Mr. Carrington come from Brigandy. He's come to see it for the very last time." Drake licked his lips and let out a low sigh as he sat up straight in his armchair. The velvety fabric of the armrests felt warm against his palms and the melancholy glow of the fireplace flickered restlessly in the corner of his eye. The soft pitter-patter of raindrops upon the study window mimicked the light tapping of his foot.
"Thank you, Mr. Greyson," began the squire in a low and thoughtful whisper "Open the gates and see him around to the back. I shall meet him in the Fourth Garden."
"As you wish, My Lord," replied the attendant, a tone of preoccupied concern in his voice "And as for the Lady?"
"Let her sleep," commanded the squire "I shall meet with him alone." The squire stood up from his chair and buttoned his coat before walking over to the large, oak desk at the other end of the study. He took a deep breath as he opened the first drawer and removed a shiny, golden pocket watch from its dark confines. "Well, Mr. Greyson," he began softly "The day has come upon us."
"No, My Lord," chuckled the attendant lightly "The night has." The two men exchanged a firm handshake before exiting the room through the large, obsidian-colored double door.
---
"Ah!" exuded Mr. Carrington with a subtle tip of his hat, "Mr. Chambers! How nice of you to join me on this lovely afternoon." The well-dressed visitor wore a devilish grin upon his face and his big, yellow eyes stared wildly into the squire's. Drake let out an uneven sigh before speaking in a tone that was just as contemptuous as it was polite.
"I am a gentleman, Mr. Carrington and will be addressed as such." The caped visitor placed a white-gloved hand to his heart as his head jerked back in a bout of deranged laughter.
"Aren't we all, my dear fellow," he cackled "Aren't we all?" The squire frowned hard at Mr. Carrington before speaking in an even more contemptuous tone than before.
"Listen, Malcolm," he grumbled "I have what you requested. Now give me what I asked for." The black-suited visitor stopped laughing and cleared his throat before responding.
"Let me see it, Chambers," he hissed "It's almost midnight. We wouldn't want to have a repeat of our last rendezvous now would we?" Drake's heart skipped a beat as he lifted his hand to the jagged scar upon his left cheek. The rain-drenched squire took a deep breath before reaching into his coat pocket and pulling out the golden pocket watch. It's low ticking seemed to grow louder and louder with every second as it dangled playfully from his loose grip. Before Drake could open his mouth to speak, Mr. Carrington snapped his fingers and the watch floated gingerly into his gloved hand.
"There!" yelled the squire "Now show me the book."
"My, my," chuckled the caped visitor as he tucked the watch into his vest pocket "Even on the very precipice of the deal, I still cannot begin to fathom what business the last mage on Earth would have with the likes of me." The squire gritted his teeth and balled his fists before screaming at the visitor once more.
"Listen, demon," he boomed "My reasoning is perfectly sound. Now give me the book." Mr. Carrington shook his head and let out a light cackle as he removed his gloves and placed them in his coat pocket. The squire felt his stomach churn at the sight of the eerie, purple glow which transpired through the visitor's pale fingertips. "So this is what it looks like," he thought "This is dark magic."
Mr. Carrington's eyes began to glow as he slowly levitated off of the ground. The gentle waters of the nearby fountain began to flow more and more violently with each movement of his hands. Drake stepped back and raised his hand to shield himself from the brilliant purple light that had enveloped the garden. The yellow-eyed incubus floated higher off of the ground before beginning a low chant.
"Wicked Hearts, O' Wicked Souls
Fortune Lost and Power Stole,
Be not wary of His might,
Deliver us from Heaven's Light."
The squire closed his eyes as a bright flash of purple light drenched the starless midnight sky. When he opened them again, Mr. Carrington had gone. Drake rubbed his dampened forehead and let out a sigh of relief as he walked over to the fountain's edge. By now, the water had stopped running altogether and the garden was silent save for the light pitter-patter of raindrops. "Thank you," he whispered as he peered into the sparkling pool of water "Thank you for giving me hope." Drake rolled up his coat sleeves before reaching into the the fountain and pulling out a small, black book. It was everything he had imagined and more. Across it's front in dark purple letters read the words, "Et Erit Decadent Peris." The mage smiled from ear to ear as he sat down upon the ground and opened the volume to page 66. "Now," he whispered "We enter the light."
Drake closed his eyes as he touched his trembling fingertips to the rough page. The low tremor of his heartbeat rose and fell with each deep breath. He licked his lips and squeezed his eyes shut before beginning a chant of his own.
"Lovely Hearts, O' Lovely Souls,
Fortune Earned and Power Honed,
Be not wary of the Night,
And bring us unto endless light."
The squire nearly leapt from the ground upon opening his eyes to find that the book had begun to glow a radiant shade of orange. His awe-stricken gaze stared passionately up at the brilliant column of light that protruded from the book. "Yes," he said excitedly "Come to me, my daughters." By now, the rain had given way to a light drizzle and the entire garden was ablaze with an orange tint.
After a few brief seconds, the orange column of light disappeared and the garden looked just as it had before. The squire closed the book and brushed himself off as he stood up from the dampened ground. When he looked back into the still waters of the fountain, he was greeted by a wonderful sight. Seven newborn girls, each enveloped in a glowing blanket, slept soundly under the surface. "It's true," he whispered to himself "They don't need oxygen to breathe." Drake began to cry soft tears of joy as he reached into the fountain and pulled out each one of the newborns, carefully laying them down upon the fountain's edge. "I'll name you right here," he whispered "and tomorrow your mother will wake up to her beautiful children's cries. She and the rest of the world will wake up to the Light." The squire paused in brief thought before speaking in a hushed tone of fatherly affection.
"You with the green blanket," he whispered "You're Arielle and you with the red one are Ava. You in the blue and yellow will be Demetria and Guinevere and you in the gold will be Atria." The man paused again as he studied the last two newborns with gentle indifference. There was something about these two that was very different from the others. The two infants were locked in a tight embrace and they seemed to be breathing in unified harmony. Drake wiped a fresh tear from his eye as he opened his mouth to speak again. "You in the white blanket," he cried "Will be named Kendra for your mother and you in the black one will be Tiffany."
TO BE CONTINUED???
End of chapter
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140,237 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Heya! Stella here to review!
So a lot of people have come by here and talked about your description. I really liked your description in the first part, it was sort of dreamy and reminiscent of a better time. Just be careful not to make it too flowery, or you'll begin to lose your readers.
A qualm I do have is that your main character is a squire - to me, the word squire means a knight's assistant, as I'm sure it does to a lot of people. I know it can have other meanings but in this case I sort of wondered if maybe it's the best decision to use it as a title.
Just be careful when punctuating and editing your dialogue - if someone speaks and then *someone else* does an action, be sure to start a new paragraph. Or if someone does an action and then speak, keep them on the same paragraph. You chopped and changed a lot here and it got pretty confusing for me!
I was a bit confused as to what Mr Carrington's purpose there was, it wasn't clear. But I think that that's the sort of thing that will become apparent as the story goes on, right?
I liked the naming of the children but I sort of wondered - were these names that he had picked out before? Did he know he was going to have seven daughters? I would be a bit more hesitant! As well, I found his speaking to each individual baby and addressing her by the colour of her blanket a bit... weird. Especially considering it's dark, how does he know what colours they are? I think the paragraph would be stronger if you described each child and then just had him name her rather than having him say "You in the green, you in the red"... that's not how people speak to babies now, is it?
This was a pretty intriguing beginning though, I'd love to see where you're going with this story!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Thanks! This is really just an unplanned project at this point. But thanks a lot for all the feedback I will definitely consider everything you've mentioned here.
Hey! I'm on my phone so please excuse any typos/any other errors I might make!
So, there's nothing wrong with having long descriptions. At all. If you can keep your structuring in control, it doesn't matter if your sentences are as long as paragraphs, even. But you're not supposed to lose focus, or to divert the reader's attention from what's going on. Incidentally, I've found that shorter sentences are more helpful when you're writing fast-paced action scenes, and lengthy, lingering descriptions are absolutely delicious if you're going for a classical style, or if your novel is a placid work of literature. Less sentence fragments, y'know? Over here, though, I could feel you veering out of focus.
Let's look at what you're tying to convey to the reader, shall we? 1) You're telling us when it happened. Okay. 2) You're giving us more info about the "when." Basically, you're delving into the setting and trying to create an image in our minds. Now, you've taken your reader's attention towards the scene. This is your point of focus. Your description is lovely, and it's very vivid; you've also established a style here, which is actually good, so early on in the chapter. But here's 3) You shift to a person who lived during that era/time, which is kind of an abrupt transition when you think about it. So here's my therapy: Keep the description, but shorten the detail in that first sentence, okay? If you cut it out entirely it would look weird, and the much shorter sentence would make your work seem inconsistent. If I might make a suggestion, how about something like: "Many a midnight ago, a time when the great blue sky beheld all the secrets of the universe, there lived a squire." I hope you don't mind me butchering your sentence, but that does make things clearer, yes?
On a slightly unrelated note, your ideas need to relate; what I'm trying to say here is that there should wither be a motion of events, or that they should lead up to one another. When you talk about two different things, your work can end up looking a bit chunky. It's like that bit I've quoted above: you shift from time, to setting, to character. It's a lot to take in, and frankly, I'm not sure if it would flow well for people. Otherwise you have a lovely style of storytelling. It's just the flow that needs a little working on.
You have a wonderful vocabulary! I'm really loving your style of writing! I would suggest you change "luxurious extravagance" to just "luxury" or "extravagance." Although the two words don't have exactly the same meaning, I think it's rather unnecessary to have them clustered up like that together. Also, one thing I've noticed is that you have a tendency to repeat your ideas, which is okay, because it's something a lot of people have trouble with. But when you've said that they lived in "decadent splendour," you don't really have to add the "luxurious extravagance" bit. If you want to add in a bit of detail, sketch out a scene for your reader. I noticed that Laure said that your beginning was "info-dumpish." To some extent, it was, but that's suited through your style. You could make it less of an info-dump, however, if you were more explicit with the scene. I'm thinking marble-floors, turrets, towers! Almost like a miniature palace, no? But it truly depends on you, as the writer!
Quick nit-pick: while writing dialogue, a writer's tag is usually preceded by a comma, and followed up by a period. You can read up on it over here.
All righty, so one thing I noticed is that you seem to avoid using "said" as a writer's tag. At all costs. It's okay to use alternative tags, but "said" should be your best friend! :3 Or a close friend, anyway. It's not the fact that you've used a different tag each time that put me off, but it's very conspicuous and attracts a lot of attention; attention that the reader should devote to the dialogue, and hence the story! If you want us to focus more on the actions of your characters as opposed to what they're saying, that's when alternatives to "said" are useful. Here, for example:
That writer's tag fits perfectly; it doesn't divert attention and runs smoothly. It also strengthens the dialogue.
When it comes down to the plot, well, this is very interesting! I absolutely love fantasy, and it's wonderful when I get my hands on some good stuff! Your writing style reminds me of the Brothers' Grimm in the beginning and you have a lovely, lovely style. Such delicious words and phrases to nom on. You also don't allow us to get too attached to your characters, and I'm not sure whether that's a good or a bad thing at this point. The basic idea is interesting and I'd like to see more of this if you intend to continue with this project! The pacing could use some work, something I've noticed in Blacktie and Whiteshade as well, seeing as you start off slow and then speed up. It's a lot to take in, seeing as you've created this whole new world for us, and every detail matters. Maybe it's because the beginning before the transition is kind of prologue-ish? In which case you might want to consider dividing it up so it doesn't seem so abrupt.
All in all, I enjoyed reading this. Let me know if you update, okay?
I hope this helped, and feel free to PM me if you need anything. ^_^
Cheers!
~Pompadour
*gallops in astride a horse and bows*
Here is my suggestion for the content, did you really need this narrative part at the start because it was just basically info dump. I mean, perhaps the first paragraph was necessary because it gave us some foreshadow as to what is going to happen but the second paragraph isn't essential in my opinion.Most noble lord, this humble squire had come to review your chapter, I'm going to break this review into two parts. Content and technical details and in which I will say things I liked about this chapter and things you could improve on.
Content: So, I will echo what the previous two reviewers has said, the descriptions and imagery here is very vivid. Especially with your word choices, you used words that are concise and expresses exactly what you want. The general pacing for this chapter is pretty good, although in some places things seemed a bit rushed but that may be because you kept the ball rolling at a pretty fast pace. Well, the newborns was quite the interesting sight I will admit, our squire likes to dabble in dark magic I see.
I think the chapter would have more of a bang, if you had just started it with the dialogue and weave some of these details in later. Also,
Sounds like the opening to a fairytale, which may put some readers off. But your story isn't a fairytale, is it? So consider your opening carefully because is what makes the difference of drawing a reader in or pushing them out.
Technical:
Comma after attendant, you need a comma between dialogues. I noticed in almost all of your dialogues throughout the chapter, so keep an eye out.
If I am not mistaken, the relationship between these two men is attendant and squire? One's rank is obviously higher than the other, now I don't know how chivalry works in this world. But in all the fantasy novels I've read, only man of equal ranks usually shake hand as a sign of farewell. Man of lower ranks usually bow and let their masters go first. So, that handshake just seemed a bit odd to me.
I actually liked that chant, is quite the charming chant.
So, one thing I would like to clarify here is the Drake is the squire, and mr.Carrington was the man whom handed him to book? I understand when you used the squire before because we didn't know the squire was Drake. However, after that you tend to switch between the two which was confusing, and it also made your chapter a bit awkward to read as well. Usually authors only use 'the ------' because they don't want the readers to find out that particular character's name. However after that, I'd recommend you to stick to Drake. The same with Mr.Carrington, stick to either the caped visitor or Mr.Carrington.
He just said? Excitedly? Come on, I think you can manage more than just said excitedly. Add in some action, to illustrate his excitement! Isn't this meant to be the climax, at least make the comma an exclamation mark. xP 'Said' could be 'shouted'.
So, I was a bit confused at the ending. Blankets? You didn't mention any blankets in the second-last paragraphs so I wasn't really sure what you meant.
Overall, I thought this is quite an interesting idea and I would like to read more of it. Besides from some minor punctuation mistakes and word choices, I think this is a good chapter. Also, that ending, those two daughters. That was almost a cliffhanger there, nice one.
~Laure
This is a really unique concept. I love it so far, but next the chapter could have some more description on what they look like. Overall I love the piece, this is right up my ally. your descriptions of what they see, feel, hear, and sense make me seem as if im standing with them, its not too much and its not too little. I cant wait to see what you do from here. I actually didn't know my best friend Wolf found it but two minds think alike. Great job!
XD. Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. I'm actually contemplating whether I should continue this or not, but from what I'm hearing so far I think it'd be a good idea to give it a go.
I love it I think you should continue.
Hello there, I have come to review your beautiful piece of work.
I love all the descriptions in there, and its not too much to disturb the flow. I can understand all the characters you have introduced in this chapter, and I really like the beginning two paragraphs, which leads to some background information. The foreshadowing at the end of the second paragraph was beautiful. I can't wait to see more in the future!
~Wolfare
Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it!