Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Double-Death Chapter 1
She was short but in the Napoleon way: always trying to make you think she should be taller. Her favorite food was Penne pasta and her favorite movie was The Great Mouse Detective. Straight, shiny, jet-black hair fell neatly to her knees because cutting it was never an option. Her deep, purple eyes were like gems and they shone bright with a lustful anxiety that could only be abated by the sound of a katana blade tearing through an asshole’s greedy neck.
When I first met Oscura Xavier I had her pegged as my killer. I was the lone lamb grazing in the pasture and she was the shadowy wolf that would hop the fence before dragging me away to her den for supper. Looking back on our first meeting, I would certainly have been honored to become prey to such a skilled predator. Luckily, she considered me to be more of a common jerk than a flat-out asshole. The cut she left on my right eye hurt like hell but, in our world, you aren’t really alive until you’ve got a scar to call your own. Hers was on her heart and, unlike most scars, it bled and bled and never stopped. Oscura allowed me to share her beautiful pain and for that I am forever grateful. To us, the moon is always full and so we spend our nights howling at it from the Earth we both want to burn.
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“This pig’s ready to go. Pass me Double-D and make sure she’s loaded.” The gentle sound of my partner’s voice as she requested her weapon of choice almost made me chuckle. I gave a slight nod and grinned from ear to ear as I pulled the cold, sleek pistol from my pocket and tossed it into her waiting hand. That gun was special to me and I will even venture to say that it was special to Oscura as well. Double Death was its name: it killed people without fail but it killed their dignity first.
“Please,” begged our captive through his hot, dry sobs, “You don’t have to do this. I’ll get you a ride to the New Zone. Just let me go and give me back my watch!” Oscura straddled the man’s lap and gently ran her fingers over the bloody chains that secured him to his equally bloody office chair.
“I’d love to give you your watch back, Mr. Towns,” she replied “but then you wouldn’t cry anymore. Tell me, did that old bag of skin you call a wife give it to you?”
“You bitch!” cried the shirtless, bleeding man “It was a gift from the Company Trustees… and don’t talk about Annette that way.”
“I’ll talk about her any way I want to, little man. I’ll be keeping this watch, too. Say, Willie dear, why don’t you tell Mr. Towns exactly why I’m taking his watch? Just like we practiced, hon.” A warm jolt of adrenaline surged throughout my body and my eyes grew big with anticipation. With my hand raised above my head like the hand of a Roman orator, I began to administer my partner’s devilish medicine to our dying patient.
“She’s taking your watch because tonight, somewhere in the Old Zone, there’s a little girl without a mother or a father. Thanks to you, Mr. Towns this little girl doesn’t have a place to sleep either. She’s out in the cold, scraping through your gutter system for a bite to eat and she’s running from the dangerous men that protect people like you. When she looks into the dirtied water and sees her reflection, she is repulsed and wonders why someone like her deserves to be alive. You and your company are responsible for tainting the Old Zone’s water supply and things like your watch are responsible for tainting you with a disgusting sense of pride, a false sense of achievement, an overwhelming lust for more territory, and a general disregard for those who live outside of your safe, secure prison of shame.” Oscura’s fleeting glance of approval made me want to take a bow. The baffled Mr. Towns sat motionless, sniveling like a child as my partner shook the blood-stained timepiece back and forth in front of his face.
“Stop it!” cried the man “I-It’s not fair for you to-”
“Yes it is, silly!” chuckled my partner, pressing the mouth of the gun against his bloody neck. “Double-Death says so. Besides, I only cut you a few times and you don’t really bleed like a CEO. You bleed more like a low-level secretary, Mr. Towns...you bleed like a God damned office bitch. Wanna file my reports?” A subtle click was followed by another dry sob from Mr. Towns, much lighter than the previous ones. Oscura’s depraved crescendo of laughter came and went like crackling thunder, so loud I couldn’t hear the gunshot.
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“Can you believe it, Willie? The bastard didn’t even beg us to spare his wife and kid. He got the Double-Death so I guess they can have the Truth. Some people can be so...inconsiderate.”
“You know somethin’, O? I was just thinkin’ the same exact thing.” But I wasn’t. I was thinking about how fucking beautiful Oscura looked when Mr. Towns’s fresh, warm blood splattered all over her leather jacket and she didn’t even flinch. A gunshy killer? Yep, that’s me. That girl’s a fuckin’ force of nature.
TO BE CONTINUED
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Today I seem to be hitting a gold mine of well written pieces, and this one is by far the most gripping.
The characters are psychotic and wonderful. Your protagonists oddly lighthearted internal monologue. This is just a great piece.
There have to be critiques though. So...I've got nothing.
Really, the review below me said it all. I liked it. I liked it a lot.
I only have small comments.
It's a different sort of story. Violent. This is the first chapter? The first two paragraphs in my opinion have no business in your story, your story is your story. And that begins in the 3rd paragraph. If you need those details. Find places to squeeze them into your story. You can't expect the reader to read those two paragraphs. And start a novel that way. It's a good way to get someone to put your book down. That might sound harsh but really this is just a small mistake. The rest of your story is okay. You preserve your violent characters by making them kill a CEO, if that was the goal your doing okay. The strong violence is looking for a specific audience, a young male type. Your a good writer, and if you like your story then finish it. If not finish it anyway. I'll assume its your first, and first novels are destined to be awful so says the bard.
I think you could tighten up the dialogue from the killers here and there. They're a little out of it, and it might be hard for the reader to relate to them.
Thanks! I appreciate your review!