The Caged Bird and the Caged Lady

Hello there! Here to review a piece of your work for review day!

I really like this and to be honest, I didn't think that I would! I'm not usually very good at asking making connections between all these philosophical questions.

Yet - I really connected with this because of it's many similarities to Rapunzel and other fairy tales of a similar nature. This person - who is locked in the tower - as clung on to the only company she has - the bird - the relate all of her feelings to.

It's a great way for the reader to get inside the captives head. Good Job.

My favourite part:
"I often wonder why the bird sings, even though it's caged." - I like the thought of the little bird trying to cheer itself up even though it's trapped.

My least favourite part:
" I only hope that it will come soon, for I do not wish for the both of us to die, waiting in vain for our promised freedom." - I wish that for once, the damsel in distress could save herself rather than wait for someone else to do it for her!

Good luck - I look forward to reading some more of your work soon fellow red team member!

HAPPY REVIEW DAY!

Olive <3

This is a great idea for a figurative writing piece! I do have to agree with spinelli in the fact that you should watch your commas, however. Even though you want to be descriptive, make sure it stays with a nice flow in correct grammatical structure! Also, maybe try being a bit less vague when you are talking about being locked up in "solitary confinement". How are you confined exactly?
Anyways, this has some great potential! Just needs to be a bit more polished

Commas do not equal breaths or pauses. There are far too many in here, and it's making me feel like an asthmatic while I read this. You have good structure, but you can't worry so much about trying to make things adhere to basic, generic grammar when you have something like artwork at your hands or a poem to tell. I'm not sure how old you are, but you should definitely read "Gertrude Stein On Punctuation." [There's a pdf file if you google it, you should totally google it, good read, nice work, anyway...]

In other news, it's a pleasant enough read, it tells a decent enough story with good enough words, but I would suggest giving it a little more. You're walking a fine line on such a familiar topic as a "caged bird" and a poor soul locked in a tower, be it metaphorical or what. You have a good handle over words, so I suggest you push that handle and confidently twist it into something more powerful. These are good sentences, and an English teacher would certainly commend you [as a future English teacher, I commend you], but as a writer I can't help but find it a little ordinary. It's as if you have made a very elegant meal for us, with all the ingredients and instructions correctly followed, and it tasted enough like something elegant, but what I'm looking for is edge, some spice, some brilliant concoction only capable of being conjured by you.

Uh, anyway, nice work. Keep at it.

AAWW the sadness of it is not all the sad its more sweet. The loneliness of the woman feels the same as the bird. They have something in common loneliness. Even without being the same they are at one with each other.

I really like this GrapeNerd! We've already run into each other but I'll welcome you again anyway!

There's a problem which is that you haven't done any line breaks and this is a poem. That might be YWS though (the formatting gets confused sometimes).

"I often wonder why the bird sings, even though it's caged. And why it sits so peacefully, even when neglected. He sits and stares into blank space. Dear bird, do you not wish for friends? Do you not wish for company?"

This is my favourite bit, the opening. It's the best part of the poem. I think that towards the end, the rhythm is lost a bit (the format probably doesn't help this) so that's something you could work on.

I really like the story behind this poem. It's really good, a bit like The Lady of Shallott. have you read that? Incredible poem! I'd like to know more about why the lady's in the tower. Maybe not in this poem, because it's good as it is, but this could be a really good opening to a story.

I hope I've helped! And, for the third time, welcome to YWS!

Hey,
Umaima here to review your submission.

According to your age this is really very good. Keep it up and keep writing!

However, there were grammatical errors which I am going to state below and you can correct them.

"Then, I can wait, for I too, have been caged up here in this sad and lonesome tower."
Instead of using can you should use could here.

"If only I could be free, then, I will set you free also."
Instead of using will you should use would and delete the word 'also'

"I only hope that it will come soon, for I do not wish for the both of us to die, waiting in vain for our promised freedom."
Delete for in the second sentence as below:

"I only hope that it will come soon, for I do not wish the both of us to die, waiting in vain for our promised freedom."

That's it so very very well done. keep writing and I am sure you will grow into an amazing writer.

Hope this helped! and Good luck for your next submission

The caged bird sings of freedom.

Okay, first thing is first, your title. The first letter of every word except for "the" "a" or "and" should always be capitalized unless it begins in one of those words. Next, I really liked the idea and wording of this story. But I did find an error. In this line:

"If only I could be free, then, I will set you free also"

The "will" should be "would". I would also remove the "your" in the line:

"Dear bird, do you not wish for your friends?"

Only because in the next line you say "wish for company". It just sounds off to me. Also, removing the comma between "for I" and "too" would make everything sound a lot smoother. I pause at every comma and it just sounded a little bumpy. I hope you do not take any of this as offensive. I noticed that you were new and when I was new and got this type of review I was NOT happy. I hope to see more, fuller, work from you in the future and welcome to YWS!

I love your diction! And oddly I seem to relate this to two lovers who cannot be together (for whatever reason). It seems very romantic, in my opinion. It's beautiful, but it seem more like a short story than a poem.

Animal is here to save the world review.

Let's get started.

You said that it is a poem in the preferences, but it is well like a short story. Correct it if you like...

If I am right then, you should write it down line by line. I think it can be because you have pasted it directly from wherever you were writing.

First of all, let me mark out, no spelling mistake. That's impressive...
Grammar is great.

I like your concept.

GrapeNerd wrote:I only hope that it will come soon, for I do not wish for the both of us to die, waiting in vain for our promised freedom.

GrapeNerd wrote:If only I could be free, then, I will set you free also.

Hi there, I'm going to attempt at a review for you here, even though this is a little short. But some of the shortest stories are the ones that hit us hardest, so don't despair!

I'm not sure I'd technically put this in poetry, unless maybe you spliced up the structure a little bit and stretched it out some. So I'll look at this like a story, rather than a poem. Hope you don't mind.

I like the idea, but it is an idea I've heard before a few times. It'd be cool if you could find an interesting new take on the classic idea of lady locked in the tower, which at one point I thought you were doing, by looking at the irony of the lady complaining about being caged, while refusing to free her bird. You say:

"But alas dear bird, I am not, and you are not, there is nothing we can do now but wait."

This hints a little at the irony of her captivity, but it could do with a little expansion. Obviously, subtlety is always appreciated with irony, but I think you could get this across just a little clearer.

As for spelling and grammar, most of it was perfect, which makes me happy. Spell-checking is very often left to us poor reviewers, but you have a clear writing style and I like that. That said, there's one sentence I didn't like:

"Then, then I can wait, for I, too, have been caged up here in this sad and lonesome tower."

It didn't feel right to me, though kudos for trying. I can hear it in my head, but it doesn't look right on the page. It doesn't detract from the piece, or the overall message, but it feels like an anomaly.

Anyway, this was good work, though I'd like to see something a little longer to expand on the themes you've already introduced.

And I've just noticed that it's your first day here, so welcome to YWS
If you need help getting around the site, feel free to ask me or any other member, you'll find the community can be very helpful. If you haven't already, I'd suggest you introduce yourself at the welcome page before getting into the nitty-gritty of writing and reviewing.

Keep writing

This isn't really a short story, but rather, a little drabble.