I met him at a party, he was pretty charming.
He was handsome and sweet, not at all alarming.
At first I had thought everything was alright,
But I made a mistake, and we started to fight.
The scars were not made with hatred but love,
I never noticed when push turned to shove.
A shout, a taunt, a bruise, and some crying,
I'd somehow set him off without even trying.
He'd yell, and punch; a slap, a hit
I believed him when he'd say I was shit.
I won't say any more, the pain is too much.
I just wish he and I still kept in touch.
My friends told me to leave, but I didn't.
I tricked them, and kept our relationship hidden.
He said this time he'll be "soft as a feather"
I was an idiot for not knowing better.
The bruises kept coming, and more blood was spilled
I'd cover them up, at this point I was skilled.
I had enough and ended it, I thought I was free,
But I know that my past will forever haunt me.
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139,413 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
Hey GrapeNerd!
This is a very deep and sort of harsh content presented. Apart from love bringing joy, you've presented how love can equally bring pain.
Content wise, it's clear how you present love as bringing pain to us. In your context you show what all can happen in such relationships - apart from hugs and kisses, slaps and fights could occur as well. This was effectively conveyed. I like how you conclude by saying pain and pleasure is inevitable in relationships.
Grammar and Spelling wise, everything seems intact. I won't comment on harsh terms like "Shit" being used. I feel this was used to give emphasis to your content.
Structure wise, I feel you could've divided the content into stanzas. One stanza could focus on your first move, and the second could maybe be about giving it a second chance. By doing things this way, you give ease to readers, as well as giving each stanza its own significance to the content.
It is very coherent as you chronologically narrate and describe the events of this relationship - from love at first sight to broken chains. This helps readers follow through with this content.
Literary Devices I feel were given limited attention, because this was a sort of narrative poem/personal event or expression. I am able to spot adjectives, metaphors, and similes.
My personal rating for this work is 3.7/5
Keep up the good work
This is Yams here for a review!
There aren't any stanzas for this poem so I'd be cool if you chopped the poem up into stanzas so it's easier to read and easier to see where you start and stop on them.
I like the rhymes in this poem. They flow naturally and don't feel all that forced to me.
This line acts like it's rhyming, but in reality, it's not. It's one of those lines that are "sort of rhyming" just because they sound somewhat similar.
I feel like you could've done more with imagery in this poem as it's one of the weaker points. Some of this stuff hits hard, but other lines are underwhelming compared to them. The bluntness of some of this poem that's just bare bone without much imagery feels kind of atmospheric to me.
I especially like this line:
This was cool for a rhyming poem which usually people fail at the rhyming part.
Have a great day!
Thanks! Yeah, I didn't really intend on making this as polished or whatever. I had it lying in my drafts for a really long time, and I've only decided to finish it. This is more of a warm up piece.
Thanks for your review, have a great day!
c: you too.
Well, for somebody who has just come out of a two year long period of writer's block, you sure are a strong writer! I really enjoyed reading this poem. It's hard hitting, relatable, rather blunt, and flows very well (it's actually one of the better poems I have read flow wise). Your rhyming really works here, nothing feels too contrived or out of place. On an emotional level, this poem delivers a powerful punch!
My score: 100/100. This is one Heck of a hard-hitting poem. Even though I cannot relate to it myself, I could still feel every ounce of power behind it. I hope to read more from you soon!