Hehe--look what I's found! It's teh new draft of The Wings of Darkness! ^_^ More great action, bigger plot twists (hopefully), and better writing overall! Let's all see how it goes down, shall we? 
New readers, skip down a paragraph to my new-reader intro.
**SPOILER--ALERT!**
A couple BIG changes here: I'm going to try to tell this all from Vanessa's PoV, minus the prologue. Also, if you were hoping to meet the big bad red dragon mentioned waaaay in the beginning of the original draft by Vaden, be sorely disappointed. I've cut him, because he serves no known purpose and is one of my original bad plot bunnies for this story. (Hey, I wrote it when I was eleven, cut me some slack, haha x)). Here and there I may or may not go behind-the-dark-scenes with Vaden and Link, but then again, maybe not, hehe. You'll just have to read on to find out! ^_^
**END--SPOILER--ALERT**
Hello, my name is Gladius and welcome to my first (far from last) Zelda fanfiction. Ever. Seriously; I started this as my first writing project when I was eleven and have since expanded from this to include it in a cycle of five novel-length adventures. Six if you include...but that's another story for another day, haha. ^_^
Now I know you may be thinking 'But I have no idea what Zelda's about,' and may even be confused by my description of the game's hero being Link when the game is named Zelda, after a certain princess who can never seem to rescue herself... Well fear not, all Zelda-pertinent info shall be explained over the course of the story, so (hopefully) thou shalt never be left in the dark. 
Er...except the thing about Link being the hero and not Zelda. Sadly, no one to this day can answer that, except possibly Nintendo or the actual Legend of Zelda (seriously, it's in one of the earlier game booklets. There's actually a legend behind the legend! xD).
Oh, sorry; I'm getting off track, haha. ^^; Anyway, if you have any questions about stuff that was not intentionally meant to confuse you, go ahead and ask in your review (or PM if you think it's a stupid question--I have absolutely no qualms about that, haha ).
Gah, alright! Enough rambling. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the story! ^_^
P.s--the 'PG' I've given this could be called an elevated PG or even a T, as I'm pretty sure it's gonna get slightly bloody/painful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Prologue: Wings of Darkness
Vaden’s boots made rhythmic taps against the stone stairs down which she traversed, nervously following her master’s heavier tread. Before her—amidst the depths of darkness which would have made any other light-dweller cringe with fear—the huge man’s heavy cloak whispered along at his heels like a demonic familiar, beckoning her onward despite the faint feeling of misgiving starting to take hold in the pit of her stomach.
Finally, after what felt like centuries had passed, the pair ended their interminable descent down the dark stairwell and into what the apprentice could best describe as an equally-interminable cavern. Though her cat-like eyes—with the help of her magic—could penetrate within a few dozen yards of the gloom, the shadows jealously cloaked the remainder of the enormous space in impenetrable murkiness. Her slow, cautious footsteps farther into the cave echoed eerily, telling her that what she could see was but a fraction of the underground room’s total volume. Not a sound other than her and her master’s movements disturbed the silence.
More at ease within the darkness than his apprentice, Vaden’s master brushed past her hesitating figure and strode confidently through the shadows. They quickly retreated like the monsters he commanded above ground, cowering in fear at his power.
Not wishing to be left behind and swallowed up by the vengeful shadows, Vaden darted after him.
The pair at last halted in what Vaden assumed to be the center of the cavern, at least a good hundred yards from where they had stepped off the staircase. A question about what was to happen next burned on the tip of her tongue, but the sorceress-in-training bit it off determinedly; it would soon be answered, she was sure.
She watched with mild interest as the man began the ritual summoning incantation. This was nothing new, as she had rehearsed it countless times before with her master. The ancient Hylian rolled off his tongue as smoothly as poisoned water to Vaden, a thought which made her smirk.
Soon, however, her smirk morphed into a frown—the sorcerer had paused in his recitation and moved a single step farther into the darkness. His body shimmered faintly with magical energy, illuminating the rim of an otherwise invisible pit before his feet. When he continued the spell, it was in words Vaden did not know. She subtly clenched one hand into a fist as a brief flicker of irritation ran through her; her master was keeping secrets, neglecting her training and keeping her in the dark to be sure she stayed in check!
‘Well we’ll just see how long that lasts,’ the apprentice thought maliciously.
The beginning of an underground vibration jerked her thoughts back to the summoning, her mind frantically searching out the source of the disturbance. Apparently, he master had lied about more than just the ritual—he had not mentioned anything the likes of this in his explanation of the effects of summoning, either.
Vaden did not dwell on it, however, instead concentrating on what was going on around her; a single moment of inattention could be her last. The rumbling steadily intensified in harmony with the mint green glow slowly illuminating the abyss’ endless depths. As it reached and passed the point where she could not hear her master’s words, Vaden began to feel the slightest inklings of doubt and anxiety. What if Ky’rel was not subdued by the sorcerer’s powers? A far greater terror than anything his powers could create would be unleashed, left to ultimately destroy the world they sought to conquer.
When the cloaked figure stepped away from the brink, brimming with so much satisfaction Vaden could feel it, she hesitantly questioned, “Master? Are you sure this is wise?”
He snorted derisively. “Watch,” his deep bass voice commanded.
Just as he spoke, a deafening roar echoed from the abyss. The bright light, which had by now solidified into orbs that ricocheted against the pit’s sides, flashed twice powerfully before exploding into a neon fountain that splashed in waves of unimaginable power over the magicians. Released from the clutches of the confining glow, an enormous shape only visible due to its darker-than-night coloring let out another earth-shaking roar in its ecstatic flight around the cavern. The breath of its wings as it passed overhead was so strong Vaden could barely stand, forced to reinforce her stance with magic.
The summoned beast made one more pass around the cavern before noticing the one who had called it. With a trumpeting cry of bloodlust it dove toward the stone where the pair stood, its great maw opened to swallow them up whole. Vaden reflexively retreated a single step, wondering if her master was going to do anything or let the monster have its way.
At the last moment before she feared they would have been as good as gone, however, the sorcerer raised his hand and leveled a powerful beam at the monster’s head and chest. The dragon—for that was what Vaden could now see it was by the glow of the magic—howled in pain as it was thrown back from its intended prey, landing heavily on the stone across the abyssal well from them.
“You see, my apprentice?” her master crooned, his voice dripping with smug self-assurance.
Seeming to hear this, the dragon leapt back into the air for another try at the infuriating magician. Yet again it was cast back—this time bound to the ground by invisible chains it could not break. On red eye glared balefully at its captor, a growl of resentment rumbling so strongly through its body that the stone beneath their feet trembled.
The sorcerer smirked, turning from his new minion with an arrogant flick of his cloak.
“We have nothing to fear.”
..oo00O*O00oo..
As his blade smoothly slid into the large stomach of the last Moblin to stand against the Hero of Time, Link heaved an internal sigh of relief.
Kicking the enormous corpse off his sword, the blond warrior raised crystal eyes to scan the clearing in which he stood, standing in a relaxed stance but wary of more unseen threats. After a few tense moments spent scanning the wood-line, he lowered his blade to wipe the black blood on a patch of clean undergrowth.
‘These monsters are far more active than they should be,’ Link noted uneasily as he hefted the Master Sword in his left hand to a readier grip, stepping over the pig-like monster’s body easily and moving toward the clearing’s opposite edge. ‘Not to mention they seem to be looking for something. I hope Nayru’s alright…’
Shoving down worry and doubt which would kill him in combat as surely as any mortal weapon, the Hero moved deeper into the forest, avoiding the path lest he should be ambushed. He glanced around far more often than he did normally in times of peace, wary of hidden monsters and possible pitfalls. Not a sound other than his own footfalls interrupted the blanket of stillness that lay over the woods; not even a squirrel disturbed the treetops, nor did the river a few dozen yards beyond his sight dare speak above an inaudible murmur.
Everything was still. Absolutely still.
What felt like agonizing hours later but was really only fifteen minutes, an unusual noise intruded on Link’s hearing. His long Hylian ears twitched faintly at the crackling that filtered through the trees ahead of him—from the clearing in which Nayru had built her two-room cottage.
A twelve-year-old memory triggered by the familiar sound darted through his mind, feeding his unease as his pace quickened unconsciously. Heart pounding, the warrior threw caution to the wind and stepped back onto the forest path, breaking into a sprint toward his destination. The crackling grew increasingly more noticeable, so much so that Link could feel his breath beginning to catch as a realization crept over him.
Angrily he shoved it back. ‘No, it can’t be—it can’t! Not after the last time, please… Please don’t say I’m too late again.’
Alas, his prayer went unanswered.
Link skidded to a halt as he rounded a turn in the path, eyes widening as they took in the flames licking wildly at the treetops and surrounding undergrowth. Smoke billowed thickly from the charred remains of a building nestled between dozens of fallen pines and smoke-blackened hardwood trunks, filling the once-pure air with a choking smokescreen. A resounding crack ricocheted across the clearing when the fire snapped off an enormous limb of the oak that had once provided Nayru shade as she played her harp for the forest creatures. The flame’s symphony crescendoed feverishly as it eagerly devoured the new fuel.
A kind of numb resignation took over his limbs as the Hero slowly stepped between piles of debris left behind in the inferno’s devastating wake, carefully avoiding ground fires so as to keep from melting his boots’ leather soles. The heat barely bothered him—considering he had experienced much worse when he ventured to the center of an active volcano—so he continued to moved dazedly along a crooked path toward the gutted corpse of Nayru’s forest dwelling. Somehow he still harbored a hope that maybe his charge and her attendant had survived; yet a voice in the back of his mind reminded him of the last time he had seen an entire village razed in the same manner, and how many survivors had escaped from that unscathed.
‘Exactly one,’ he grumbled, frowning viciously.
After allowing the expected guilt to run its course—after twelve years, he found it much easier not to confront it, but rather let it flow over him like a rock in a raging river—Link sighed and sheathed his weapon. The fire was obviously beyond any control now, but still he made an attempt to force it within some boundaries so as not to burn down the entire Forest of Time. Besides, the work helped to keep his mind distracted from the past and focus on the future, especially with such pressing matters as finding who had done this and being sure the Oracle was safe to consider.
‘The Maku Tree will need to know about this,’ he noted, making a mental to-do list starting with that one observation. ‘Then the question becomes, how do we go about investigating this? Anyone or anything could have started this, though one thing’s for sure—this was no freak accident. …Hm?’
Link paused in dragging a huge, charred tree he had found to mark off the edge of the burnt clearing, cocking his head curiously at a trail of scrape marks etched into the ground some fifty yards from Nayru’s cottage. A second memory came to mind as he scrutinized the deep gouges, this one far older and more vital to his growing problem than the last.
‘Volvagia’s claws made the same marks,’ he mused, dropping the log temporarily to get a better look at his discovery. ‘But she only had two feet. There look to be four here, and then there’s that snake-like track behind them.’ He scowled at the tracks, concentrating furiously in an effort to decipher the muddled claw marks.
After staring at the odd arrangement for a few moments, the answer finally hit him square in the face. ‘A Calosus dragon—of course!’ He moved in a crouch along the line of claw-prints the enormous beast had left behind, mind racing as he put the pieces together. ‘It flew into the clearing, probably taking Nayru by surprise, and started burning everything in its way before flying off again. Now the question becomes ‘why’—unless…
‘Someone’s after Nayru.’
———————
“That’s about all I could tell from the evidence at the clearing,” Link concluded, crossing his arms. “The fire had been burning for a while, so anything else that might have been there was long gone.”
Before him, the tree which was the Great Deku Tree’s kindred spirit in Labrynna groaned in a fashion that resembled a contemplative ‘Hmm’ from a human. The Maku Tree’s willowy limbs dipped gracefully into the shallow pool surrounding her, tracing a rippling trail through the crystal water.
There was no sign of the Oracle? she questioned in her airy voice. Link nodded, knowing she would be able to sense the motion in her own way. Hm. Then this dragon that you mentioned is going to prove more dangerous than usual; a dragon performing in such a drastic and specific manner is no rogue creation pulled from the void by chance. It is quite likely we will find a much more cunning master behind the monster.
“Who could it be, though?” Link questioned, shifting his weight onto one foot impatiently; he hated dealing with the unknown, as much as he had had to deal with it. “With Veran gone, I can’t think of anyone who might threaten Labrynna. Hyrule is one thing—everyone wants a piece of us, it seems—but Labrynna…”
There remain many cruel-hearted men out there without Veran’s influence, Hero; you of all people should know that, the tree reminded. For all we know there may be one among them with the power and motivation to attempt the creation of any number of beasts to avenge or even revive their fallen idol. Nayru’s powers would be a great aid to them in either endeavor.
The seventeen-year-old sighed, unfolding his arms as he sensed the end of the conversation. He slipped a hand under the rim of his long green cap to reach a particularly irritating itch as he contemplated the Maku Tree’s words, considering his options. A last thought occurred to him before he excused himself from the Tree’s presence: “Do you think there’s a possibility that this might be another cross-dimensional effort, and we have another Veran-and-Onox duo to deal with here?”
Her branches shook in her equivalent of a human’s shrug. I believe it is unlikely. Certainly a combination of Din and Nayru’s powers would be desirable to our enemies, but considering what setbacks they have experienced with the loss of two powerful generals, I deem it unlikely. If it concerns you, however, I will relay a warning to my colleague in Holodrum.
Link nodded, satisfied for the moment that he would be notified of any outside threat before it managed to affect his operations in Labrynna. “So what do we do next? Do we have any other clues to go on?”
There is…one, she answered hesitantly. I sense a veil of evil being drawn around North Castle. It is likely the lair of our new enemy is that castle; you may find it worth your while to investigate, though I recommend you take some others to aid you in the event that this prediction bears fruit. Lynna’s people may not be warlike, but what soldiers we have should suffice for an expedition, should you choose to embark on one.
“Thank you,” the warrior thanked sincerely, smiling. “If that’s all, then I guess I should be getting provisions together to check out that castle.”
He only made it to the slightly ajar double doors sectioning off the Tree’s grotto from the rest of the city before she stopped him. One last matter, Hero—perhaps it is time for the Hyrulean child to embark on her own destiny. A breath of wind gently pulled at her drooping limbs. Do you not agree?
Link’s heart sank marginally, misgivings filling the space left behind; the same memory and it accompanying remorse triggered by the flames that had consumed Nayru’s home was tugged to the surface of his thoughts by her words. Overcome by the swamping emotions, he put a hand over his face and sighed melancholically.
‘The day I am not haunted by debts of regret and failure will be the day I die,’ he brooded sorrowfully, levering himself off the wall on which he had propped himself while succumbing to his inner demons.
To the Maku Tree, he merely replied tersely, “Of course. The suggestion is a wise one.”
And with that, the enigmatic Hero of Time disappeared through the crack between the doors protecting the guardian tree like an unseen tear.
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139,331 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Hi Gladiator,
I'm here as requested, and I'm sorry to say that I didn't make it too far into the story before I stopped reading. There's nothing really wrong with your piece, it's just that it didn't grip me at all, and I was bored.
Here are some nit-picks from what I did read:
I don't like the idea of the word interminable occuring twice in the same sentence. Also, the portion of the sentence that I underlined is unecessary.
I didn't understand this. I would assume that Vaden darted after her master, and then "they quickly retreated like the monsters he commanded above ground". Unless, you meant "they" to be "he". I'm a little confused here. Maybe I'm just reading this wrong.
Again, I'm sorry I didn't read the whole thing.
Keep writing!
-Alex
Okay, I'm back to review chapter two! Well...it's not exactly a review but I can still call this a review just to make myself feel better. ^.^
First of all, we get a better understanding of how you portrayed Link and I think the personality that you gave him fits well. I mean, for some reason I always imagined him slightly on the cocky/commanding side. I have no idea why that is but I'm glad you didn't make him all serious or what not otherwise this would've been boring to read.
I also like how you slowly work up an atmosphere, it's great to see the way to slowly describe emotions and such and work your way through the peak and I find myself feeling the same anticipation the character feels, good job. So other than that, I really don't have much to add to this. The comments in my previous review still stand as is since there were a few instances where I was going to comment on something and then remembered that I had already stated that in my previous review. This being the case, I think my reviews will become more rambling than helping but I'll be sure to try and entertain you anyway. ^^
-Pink
Pink! *glomps* Thanks for the review. :3 I'll definitely take your advice into consideration when I get to doing the rewrite of this. ^_^
xD That's fine. I figured you'd get to it sooner or later. I'm busy enough myself these days, so I totally understand.
*pokes club* I believe I've called your kind "Zelda Nuts"?
Gladius! 8D
So, here as requested and I have to say, I truly enjoyed this. ^.^
Well, I'm not going to do a whole nitpicky review for you because I'm sure we'll both hate that so I'll just skip to my overall thoughts on this.
Firstly, I'll talk about the boring stuff -grammar and punctuation/ writing style. Your writing was actually quite good, I like the depth it goes into and the way you worded her emotions were different and interesting to read, which made me keep my interest in throughout the whole piece. I noticed a few instances in which you forgot to add a comma but I know a quick reread and checking will take care of that. One thing that did catch my eye was that you seemed to overuse your adverbs in a few areas, I would recommend, if you go back and try revising this again, that you try to edit those sentences and paragraphs that seem to have a case of adverb fever. However, I found your writing to be quite mature and I couldn't just skim read it, I had to take each word in at a time to really eat the picture - if you know what I mean.
With that said there are time where you actually over-explain scenes or actions which makes it draggy and a bit boring. That could just be me however, I like faster-paced novels with short but concise descriptions. Everyone has their own likes and dislikes and that was my main dislike with this, but your writing made me wave that little part off and still held my attention.
Ahhhhh, it's Link! 8D
So, yeah totally awesome. I like how you described his thoughts and movements, really fit his character here. Honestly, I'm not much of a fanfiction person, nor have I really played too much attention to the game but I do know my basics on it so I guess you can say I'm not a noob but one level higher, what do they call it...I don't know if they have a name for that.
Anyway! I like how you didn't make him totally mute but still had a voice here and there. Although there weren't many lines I was still able to stay connected and feel his character. By the way, I like the way you molded his character in here. I don't know it's very cool and...Link-like. Not only that but you were able to give him distinct personal traits and an attitude which made it interesting to read what he was thinking and doing.
Alright, so basically that is my review for the first part of this, I'll post more reviews later since I'm pressed for time right now. I just wanted to at least do one so you knew that I wasn't just sneaking around YWS lazily. XD
I'll have another review up tomorrow maybe for your next chapter!
-Pink
I enjoyed it, there is no question about it. It was packed full of all the stuff I love the most and look for in a story of any kind. Well, to tell the truth, I pretty much only read historical fiction or fantasy, so this novel you have going on here has every component I look for in a good fantasy story or novel of any kind. It was over all amazing and, well, it was just great. I hope to see/read more of your work that you compose about the Legend of Zelda: Wings of Darkness. Not to mention, I am a huge fan of the different Legend of Zelda things out there. So, please continue with it.
Yay! I can see chapter 2!
Also, I haven't done a nit-pick review in ages. So I might be a bit rambly.
"Quarter she had been expecting" confuses me. It took me a minute to realize it's not from the place, or threat, she was expecting, but it's worded really awkwardly. I actually don't know what that term means, I could only guess what it meant after reading this, so I don't know how to change it.
Legs is repetitive, as you just used it in the last sentence. I'd suggest "muscles."
This is one sentence. One rather hard to read sentence. You're cramming in her past, her instincts, the action of a stick being tossed to her, and her catching the stick. Try to keep sentences with only one or two ideas at once. I'd suggest breaking this up to her knowing the stick was coming, then her catching it in another.
"And the want for sleep" feels a bit tacked on, and it makes the sentence a bit confusing.
Not a tremendous fan of this line. You haven't taken enough time to establish Vanessa as bold yet, this is, after all, only two scenes into the story have directly dealt with any bolt streak in her. I'd switch this to showing her boldness more, and hold off the telling until later, when this streak has been established better.
This rings as untrue to me. I've been in controlled sparring situations (martial arts) and usually there is one party to act a moment before the other. It's not a mutual act. And, usually, if one party is more inclined to hang back to check the opponent out (like Vanessa is here) then she would wait as long as needed. Unless, she's not heavily trained in how to keep an advantage. But even with a little training, she should be resisting.
And this is what makes the above more unbelievable for me. If she's studying him this closely, she wouldn't rush in.
"Guard" is repetitive.
I think you're missing "stepping" after "before" here.
Semicolons in dialogue aren't the best, as they're a bit too formal to make it sound natural. I'm not sure exactly how long to pause when reading that. Put a period or dash in there to make it flow better.
Unless the Zelda game world has some concept of "hell" and the history behind "hell" to make it a swear (which was the Catholic Church on Earth) then you're not going to be able to use "hell" in here. Hell is a rather earth-bound swear.
Again, semicolon.
Who, or what, is the Labrynnian? I'm trying to remember if you've ever used the term before, and I don't think you have. It seems like an important character, so I'm rather surprised as why I don't remember the name, and why it hasn't been mentioned before.
So the Labrynna is a place? Could have fooled me with the above description. This could be where me not understanding the game world comes into place, though. I guess she is a spirit of the forest as well as the land itself?
When it comes to adverbs, I consider "darkly" one of the flat ones, that you scratch out in editing. When you've set up a character as an antagonist, which this dragon has been set up as (the prologue), "darkly" can be used as extra incentive to make the character consider the antagonist evil. There are more imaginative ways of doing that, and ones that don't make the reader feel like a characters' side (side being good or evil) is being forced on them.
Past that one word, I did like this description. It's very beautiful.
I think you can cut "as if entranced" here. As soon as I saw she was focused on the dragon, I knew she was entranced. "As if entranced" is hinting at something most readers have probably already established as true.
"Rudely" isn't doing anything for this sentence, as "yanked" does a pretty good job of saying it was a sudden and unpleasant for her. Rudely, if anything, sets up Link as a momentary antagonist, and that tends to linger for the next few lines, which isn't good.
Something about this tag bothers me. "The girl" and "assured" are both unusual phrases to see in writing, and together they make a tag that my eye just stops at.
I can stand "the girl" used in fiction, to a degree, but "the teen" is even less often used. You don't use it again, either, which makes this really stand out. Replace with "Vanessa" or "she."
Semicolon in dialogue.
And again.
Some odd spacing here.
This, and the paragraph before which I'm not going to quote, are what's making this chapter die at the end. You're giving a recap when we don't really need one, as we just went through all these emotions. You could cut it to her just smiling that she's survived her first attack and big fight, and that elation is cut short when she sees Link on the dragon's back.
I'm wondering, very strongly, when and how he got a chance to jump on the dragon's back if the dragon spent all its time chasing Vanessa. Unless he jumped on to try and distract the dragon, but, I'm really wondering why he'd do something that silly. I really think you need to explain what he was doing there at the start of the next chapter, as some sort of wondering on Vanessa's part, as I'm trying to wrap my head around it and this action does not seem to fit Link's character at all. Link, to me, is the hero who will make sure he's not taking an unnecessary risk, either for himself or for those around him.
*
Now to ramble about the overall portion.
I found this pretty smooth. The beginning was rocky, as it was mildly confusing at the very start, but that got ironed out quickly.
Your fight scene read pretty smoothly, although I didn't really feel in it, especially at the end. When I read fight scenes I like to have some idea of the moves a character is making as they fend off an opponent. With your short description of how she drove the captain back, I got lost. You don't have to go into actual moves, just give the general description of how she attacked him and flung the weapon out of his hand. I think you were trying a bit for Pierce's style in In The Hand of the Goddess, where Alanna battles the Tusain knight. In that scene, there's hardly any description of Alanna's actually moves. However, there is a description of the fight before she began a frenzy of attacking, and how she got her opponent's sword out of his hand. That's what sinks the fight scene into our minds and makes us feel like we're part of it.
I'm actually feeling really detached from this chapter. The writing was good, the plot moves forward, but I'm not feeling a connection with Vanessa yet, past laughing at her antics. It's like her personality hasn't been cemented yet, or the prose is so distant that it's preventing a deep connection. If it's the latter, then this isn't much of an issue. Some stories are just meant to have a bit of distance between the character and the reader (I believe this is Pierce's writing style, moreso). If it's the former, however, then there might be a problem.
I actually think you're okay in terms of character. In later chapters, we see more of her personality, and right now, with the fighting and everything else going on, you don't have room for much more character interactions. I would go through this and make sure Vanessa's completely in character throughout, maybe seeing if her personality's strong enough. Right now, I don't feel like I can describe her personality very well. In the fight scene at the start, she's not smug, but when she manages to escape the dragon, she is. She can be strong-minded, but bends enough to take orders from pretty much everybody and not put up a fuss. If there's a logical reason behind that, that's fine. I have the odd points my character personalities flip-flop. But, right now, her personality doesn't seem to have a cohesiveness yet.
Hope this helps! Drop me a line if you have any questions.
~Rosey
Long overdue. xD
Soo! I shall attempt to comment on elements of each chapter.
Don't be surprised if I only get through a couple, as it is late.I'm ba-ack!Prologue:
I'll take that line as an example for how many adjectives you can use in one sentence. "Derisively" could probably be cut, as can the "said" (well, commanded) tag can be as well. For most of your descriptions themselves I thought your word use was fine, but dialogue was getting into the realms of a few too many words.
Past that! I enjoyed the prologue. You are just vague enough that we have no idea who everybody is, yet we have enough of an idea we're not totally lost. An interesting thing is how you managed to keep us mostly in the dark even as the chapters marched on. We know the dragon they met later on was the creature that was summoned. We also learn these are the villains of the story.
Link's part was also good. It was rather suspenseful, and I liked how you tied the action into the segment before, which made me think that part was its own chapter. I liked the handful of hints to something more in his part, how you didn't tie it all up. You're leaving us with a bit more.
I also liked how you managed to make the tree part human/spirit, and part human. The human part is key, because it makes the spirit relatable in some way or another.
Overall, the prologue set us up for a pretty large-scope story right from the start, and it doesn't feel like a prologue for the most part. Which is a good thing considering you've pretty much busted the "bad prologue at the start of fantasy" at this point.
And, it is about eleven PM. I'll probably edit the rest into this review. Bug me about it!Chap 1
Let's see if I can stop laughing long enough to comment, lol (dialogue= Awesome)
I found this chapter just a bit infodumpy. Sometimes you lose the plot or any old feelings for a small family scene, such as the details about her brother.
In fact, now that I look at it, the majority of the chapter feels that way. World details keep taking over, as if they're butting into the story to paint a picture. I can find myself loosing Vanessa in the world's details.
I think you should focus on making us see mostly what Vanessa sees in the world, and cutting out details she's not taking notice of. You'd lose some of the full inclusion, but I think that should be cut for now, until we're deeper into the story.
As I said before, I can find myself losing Vanessa in all those details because they seem to be said by an outside voice. You're flipping between close third person, with her thoughts and opinions on the situation, and omniscient, which reads everything about the world to us. Stick with one person, so the story can be just a bit smoother.
And I think I shall make Chapter 2 it's own review in the hopes of being able to see the content without flipping tabs!
Hi, Gladius!
So, being a girl who has never played a Zelda game (I've only seen parts of them!) but is a great fan of the story and the character, this was a really enjoyable read for me! I hope I can offer you a fresh, outsider's opinion as well.
To start things off, since the reading was dense, I'll only get around through the prologue in this review! Besides, this would be way too long if I was to critique all of the chapters and one post, so I'll get around to them bit by bit.
My general thoughts? I quite liked the prologue. I liked the beginning, especially; it was scenic. With little dialogue and a dreary atmosphere, I think you got across a lot. However, I think the first couple of paragraphs could be condensed just a little bit. I felt like they dragged on a bit too long, and I was just waiting for something to happen. I understand you want to build suspense, but it does get to be a little much. To help decide what to cut out, I recommend that you do this: pick up the story and read it as if you are a reader who knows nothing about the story. Disregarding any bias you may have, did you find to be enjoyable and entertaining? Which parts did you really not like? I've tried it before, and it really helps.
In the second part with Link, I think I mostly had problems with the way you characterized him. Well, you write him fine and I could imagine him coming straight out of the books, but my main problem is that you act as if the reader knows nothing. I know you may have written these with the intention of anyone being able to pick them up and understand, but even if we aren't familiar with the games, we know basic things about Link, like his appearance. You won't really need to mention it to us, actually. It's not executed the best, either-you really spread the description of each feature out and by the time you gave us his age, I didn't really care-I was too into the quest Link was getting.
By the way, it is interesting. I love how the prologue foreshadows everything to come, and this is one of the rare instances where I think a prologue is necessary to set up some exposition for the story. Keep writing-I can't wait to read more of this. Check back for Chapter 1 real soon.
-Elinor xo
Comments in red.
That was where I stopped.
Why?
I was bored. No, really. There was a plot, it was coherent but honestly your style was just too wordy. I'm all for minimalism but I adore Anne Rice as well, and her works were wordy. This one is just...too much.
That's probably the only complaint I have.
PM me if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Kara
Haha, yes you did review my story.
Thank you for pointing out those little things! I'd probably have missed them on my own, haha... xP
One thing, though:
That's supposed to be capitalized. It's like God or Allah; the Goddesses are the Hylians' deities.
Hey Gladius. EEEP!!! O.o I think I reviewed a comment by accident... I'll take a look at it again later. (Don't know much about Legend of Zelda except that it's a video game.) Please tell me I reviewed something that you wrote...
-Cressy
Eh. I'm really not too happy with this next chap. It came out somewhat different than either of my last two attempts, which I'm not sure is good or bad yet... I've not very satisfied with the ending, either. It feels really rushed (the total chap is 3.3k words). *sigh* But I guess I'll leave that up to you guys. So go ahead and tear this apart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 2: Encounters
Things got started a lot faster than she anticipated, and definitely not from the quarter she had been expecting.
Vanessa had just finished her first supper out on the road, leaning back against her propped-up saddle to stretch her legs out toward her small personal fire. She had every intention of relaxing and loosening her legs cramped from riding in the same position all day, but the cavalry captain apparently had other ideas.
Instincts honed from working at close quarters in the stables with her father were the only thing that let her catch the thick stick tossed her way before her eyes flew open.
Instantly she was scanning the campsite for danger, though her mind was a little sluggish with confusion and the want for sleep.
Captain Lysander stood a short distance from the opposite side of her fire, another stick similar to the one she held in his hand; but unlike her, his appeared ready to strike whenever he chose. A crooked, challenging smile graced his features. “How about a little sparring match to celebrate your first night out on a mission, Vanessa?”
The girl could sense the other soldiers beginning to pay attention at the solitary sound of their captain’s voice. Her first inclination was to be nervous—a fight, friendly as it might be, against an experienced cavalry officer when she’d only had her father as a sparring partner and teacher her whole life? Yet that bold streak which had prompted her to accept her place here encouraged her to defend that privilege.
Without taking her eyes off the middle-aged man who was now her opponent, Vanessa slowly rose and prowled around her fire to the grassy ring encircled by half a dozen others like it. She didn’t miss the little flick Lysander’s ‘weapon’ made down and to his right, filing it away to study later if it turned out he possessed any nervous or other habits like that which could help her predict his next move.
For the first minute or so the two fighters tested each other, sidestepping around an invisible circle before making a feint or tentative thrust toward the other on an unseen line. The pull between them soon became too much to resist, however, and like two charging stags their weapons crashed together along that same line. Just as quickly again they were yanked apart, only to repeat the motion as if each was imbued with metals of the same polarization.
After the first bout of flesh-seeking strikes, Vanessa broke off and spun away to Lysander’s right, seeking to gain some distance that would let her reevaluate the captain.
She watched carefully as he regained the lost distance, noting how high he held his weapon and how his left hand remained in a fist close to his chest.
‘A habit from so much horseback fighting,’ she realized, recognizing why that stance seemed so familiar. Having been raised in a family that provided most of the militia’s mounts, she had seen her fair share of cavalry practices and the techniques used therein. The girl was surprised, though, that Lysander was using one of the more-common stances; she expected more from a captain.
That didn’t mean she was letting her guard down already, though. Instead she kept a wary eye opened as she darted in and out of her opponent’s guard, keeping him at bay while exploring his defenses at the same time—just as Kayne had taught her.
”Your speed and adaptability are your strengths; use them to your advantage,” he had told her.
Now she grinned as a plan formed in her mind based on that observation; an action which, to her delighted surprise, confused the Captain enough for her to slip in an extra whack against his ribcage. Seizing the opportunity Vanessa pressed forward quickly, her attacks moving in a faster and increasingly more unpredictable half-pattern as she drove Lysander toward the ring of campfires around their arena. He became gradually more desperate in his blocks and dodges, utilizing more of the latter as her sword grew too fast to make effective use of the former.
Finally—just when the captain managed to shakily hold her onslaught at bay before one of his men’s fires—her snake-like weapon clipped his with enough force to knock it from his hand. Lysander made a desperate dive for it, only to have it land in the same fire which prevented him from retreating any further. When he stood to accept his defeat, though, he found not a stick-sword in his face, but a hand extended in friendship and mercy.
An exhausted but exuberant smile graced Vanessa’s features as she observed him considering her hand. If he took it, it would mean he acknowledged her as an equal and therefore could not show any doubt of her abilities again; yet if he refused, it would be interpreted as a petty act of hurt pride. She nodded respectfully to him before saying, “Thank you for the match, Captain; it was an honor to spar with you.”
Lysander stared at her hand a moment, apparently still trying to get over the shock of his defeat; however it was soon replaced by what she guessed was as much of an enthusiastic grin as he would ever allow to show on his face. He straightened from the defensive crouch he had been utilizing and clasped her much-smaller hand in his crushingly-large fist. “No, I’m the one honored to have fought you,” the captain declared, slapping her back heartily.
Vanessa only barely managed to keep her yelp of surprise down to a squeak of pain as she nearly fell flat on her face or straight into the man from the force of his congratulations. She admired his zeal, but couldn’t he be a little more conscious of the brute strength he possessed?
As she recovered from the mini-ordeal, Lysander continued, “I’m sure glad you’re on our side, Vanessa—the enemy’s going to be in for one helluva surprise when they meet you.” Stepping away from her, he nodded to Link as the Hylian moved from the shadows where he had watched the match. “I never should have doubted you, Hero; this wildcat is more than a match for whatever those devils decide to throw at us.”
Realizing the name he had called her was a compliment, the girl blushed—and ducked her head when her eyes met the twinkling sapphires of Link’s eyes. Was that amusement or pride causing a smile to twitch at his lip?
As soon as he was out of sight beyond the bobbing mass of the other soldiers whom had stood to congratulate her and unofficially welcome her into the ranks of the Hylian militia, she discreetly rolled her eyes.
‘What mysteries are boys—especially Heroes.’
———————
“Lysander, take a four-man squad around to the left,” Link ordered the captain in a tight whisper. His fist was still raised to shoulder height from his command to halt seconds earlier, eyes locked on the glade beyond the trees before them. “I’ll keep Felix with Vanessa and me; have a second squad circle from the opposite direction and report to you if they see anything. If the coast is clear, send a signal by mirror: two flashes and a beam. If you find something but it doesn’t see you, send a two-second beam and three flashes. If something does catch either squad, I’m pretty sure the rest of us will hear about it and come to aid the others. Are we agreed?”
The men quietly murmured their assent before Lysander turned to divide the ten men minus one into their teams.
Vanessa fidgeted nervously as the horsemen slowly moved off into the trees, wincing at the loud crunches each nine-hundred pound animal made as they traversed the undergrowth thickly carpeting with autumn leaves. The past thirty minutes had set every one of her nerves on edge; not a single creature stirred in the sun-dappled woods, creating an eerie, spine-tingling silence. She felt a strange darkness lurking somewhere just beyond the next line of trees—a feeling which had only grown stronger with each of Seril’s reaching strides as they cantered along the single worn-dirt trail leading through the Forest of Time.
She could tell that Link had felt it as soon as she had, too; his brow furrowed pensively and an almost unnoticeable frown graced his lips. As he was riding at the head of the double column, though, he had managed to hide it from the other horsemen until a half-hour later when he gave in to caution and brought the troupe to a walk.
It had been shortly after that that a strange, rhythmic beating like steady gusts of wind brought them all to a halt.
Now, as that same beating only grew louder with its proximity, the Labrynnian tracked her fellows’ progress with watchful eyes, on the alert for any sign of danger. The horses moved agonizingly slowly and noisily through the undergrowth; Vanessa resisted the urge to grind her teeth with impatience and anxiety with each passing minute they walked around the clearing.
Just as the cavalrymen reached the trees opposite Link, Felix, and Vanessa, the beating reached its climax and an unearthly roar shattered the stillness.
All heads jerked up toward the sky as the horses whinnied and shied in terror, their eyes rolling to show the whites. The men shouted in surprise; many only made half-hearted attempts to get their mounts under control when the equines bolted or balked and backed away from the glen. Fear snatched up Vanessa’s heart in ice-cold talons as her eyes alighted on the disturbance, which had dived from its lofty perch in the sky to land with an earth-shaking crash in the clearing only yards away.
A dragon had returned to Labrynna after hundreds of years of banishment.
She only indistinctly heard Link curse and draw his sword. The dragon’s great, gleaming red eyes had settled on her as it flipped its wingtips haughtily, its sinuous tail echoing the other appendages’ motion in a very cat-like manner. In the flames of its gaze the fear around her heart immediately melted—a fact that somehow failed to bother her.
“Ye Hyrulean child,” a patriarchal voice whispered. “Ye doth have a great destiny in store…”
Around her, the world seemed to blur and freeze into tiny particles of color. The girl could not avert her gaze from the crystal-clear image of the obsidian dragon in the glen. Its scales shimmered darkly in the dappled woodland light, surrounded by dancing motes of dust and sunlight that gave the monstrous creature a fey air despite the malevolence lurking like a shadow beyond its hulking figure.
“Thou canst recognize thy destiny—and thy dreams—if thou wouldst only come with me. Thou couldst have the world with the powers mine master canst provide…”
Without even realizing it, Vanessa had dismounted while the creature spoke, following every word as if entranced.
“I could…realize my dreams?” she said softly, taking a tentative step away from the motionless Seril.
In the back of her mind, she could hear a voice frantically calling—trying to stop her—but the dragon and its offer had her mesmerized. A dreamy smile began to cross her lips, and she closed her eyes to contemplate the vision forming in her mind.
“Vanessa!”
Instantly the spell was broken. Vanessa gasped with the shock of being rudely yanked back into reality by Link’s repeated shouts and his hand shaking her shoulder, which made the ensuing light-headedness worse. She staggered slightly from the woozy feeling, only half-registering the dragon’s angry roar that sounded miles distant.
Link’s steady arm caught her before she could be introduced to the ground. “Are you alright? What happened?” he demanded. Was that a hint of panic she detected in his normally-smooth voice?
She shook her head vigorously, unsure herself as to what had just transpired. “I’m f-fine,” the girl assured a little shakily. “What is that thing?”
The Hero’s expression was grim as he sized up the dragon, which had turned on the squad behind it seconds after losing Vanessa’s attention. “Whatever it is, it’s worse than I thought. I saw signs of a Calosus dragon at Nayru’s home, but I never thought—”
Frantic neighing and the creak of a falling tree cut off whatever Link had been about to say. Only glancing up once to assess the problem, he tugged Vanessa sharply off the beaten path as a hardwood with a trunk twice as thick as her torso touched-down where they had been standing seconds earlier.
Chaos had consumed their small section of the forest, which seemed even smaller when a house-sized, rampaging dragon owned the only open ground.
‘You would think dragons would be at a disadvantage in the woods!’ Vanessa thought despairingly as she followed Link farther into the trees. She thought he was searching for a place to regroup, but tossed that idea out when he ran right past two soldiers trying to calm their mounts enough to keep them from running pell-mell back to Lynna. He only shot a vague order toward Lysander when they passed which she couldn’t make out, continuing to circle around the dragon with Vanessa following at his heels.
At last—after what seemed like hours to her—Link came to an abrupt halt. Vanessa nearly crashed into him, barely managing to swerve and skid to a stop beside him in time. He stood perfectly still inside the thin ring of trees around the dragon-filled glen, only his eyes moving as he followed the creature’s fluid movements calculatingly.
When he spoke, his lips barely moved; she had to strain her ears to hear over the roar of the fight. “Lysander is going to provide a distraction for us. When I give the signal, I want you to move as quickly as you can along the left side of the clearing. We’re looking for anything that might be interesting to the dragon—there must be some reason it dropped in here, besides wanting to make a tasty meal out of thirteen Hylians.”
Though puzzled by his logic, Vanessa nodded to show she understood his orders. Her heart pounded frantically in her chest, fueled by adrenaline that narrowed her vision to her goal and gave strength to her shaking limbs. They trembled with the confined energy, as if her muscles were eager to get on with the work ahead. Slowly drawing her sword, she settled into a ready half-crouch in preparedness for Link’s signal.
It came when the dragon whipped around on a soldier whom had darted out of the woods with an arrow knocked to his bow. Link dropped the Master Sword in a vertical slice before bursting from the trees toward the dragon’s tail—which, she realized, was the more-hazardous route around the clearing without interfering with Lysander’s diversion.
The girl pushed her annoyance at his obvious protection of her away, though, quickly following the Hero out of the tree-line and veering left. Her eyes scanned each section of the clearing as methodically as possible at the speed she was moving; all the while she fought to ignore the sounds of battle continuing behind her, resisting the urge to spin around anytime she thought the dragon was turning on her. Such was her speed and paranoia that she almost missed the flash of blue cloth hiding just inside the trees, forced to do a double-take to make sure she hadn’t been seeing things.
She hadn’t.
Casting nervous glances at the dragon, Vanessa whistled shrilly in an attempt to get Link’s attention and let him know she had discovered something. Though uncertain if he had heard it—he was out of sight on the dragon’s opposite flank—she nonetheless stepped quickly through the undergrowth toward her target.
The girl came up sharply when confronted by two enormous bears, freezing on the spot with a small squeak of surprise. She wondered briefly how she had managed to miss their huge brown shapes in the brightly-lit forest, but that thought was drowned out by her body’s instinctive reaction to run away as quickly as possible. Then she remembered the dragon still fighting her comrades in the glade behind her, and Vanessa almost felt she could laugh at herself for her stupidity.
Luckily the choice whether or not to fight the bears was taken out of her hands when a blue-robed woman stepped between the two, a hand on one’s massive shoulder. Relief immediately flooded the teen’s veins—both with gratitude for not having to face such fierce beasts and elation that the Oracle of Ages had at last been found.
“Lady Nayru! Thank the Goddesses you’re safe,” Vanessa exclaimed, executing a quick bow of respect toward the blue-haired Oracle.
She smiled faintly, her lips a thin line in her pale face—obviously her few days spent hiding in the woods had not done much for her already-weak health. “I thank you for your concern, child,” Nayru acknowledged softly. “But I do believe your allies require your assistance more. I shall be fine in the meantime whilst you drive off the beast; my friends can protect me if anything should seek to harm me in your absence.”
Slightly unnerved by the Oracle’s calm attitude toward both her own safety and the fight mere yards from her, Vanessa hesitated in obeying her orders. An image of the dragon turning on the woman and her protectors flashed through her mind; even the bears would be no match for the ferocious beast. “But what if—”
Nayru shook her head and cut the girl off with a fierce gesture. “Your comrades need you. Concentrate on driving off the abomination; I can take care of myself for five more minutes.”
Reluctant but seeing that the woman’s determination would not be swayed, Vanessa obeyed. She nodded once to the Oracle before turning and leaping back into the glen—
Only to find herself face-to-face with eyes glowing like hot coals and a smoky, black-scaled snout.
She couldn’t think—simply scream and instinctively swipe her blade at it.
An ear-splitting roar that was more anger than hurt filled her hearing, the echo of it ringing through her head for a good minute or two after it ended. Vanessa flinched away, turning tail and running around the clearing back the way she had come as quickly as possible. She felt it lunge for her—snagging a fang on her loose travelling cloak—but didn’t stop moving, not caring if the fabric was shredded into unusable scraps as long as the beast didn’t catch her.
Knowing she had to find some way to get out of its reach—and soon—Vanessa frantically scanned the tree-line as its head pulled back for another strike. She thanked the Goddesses profusely when the perfect tree for climbing presented itself not five yards ahead, with lots of convenient branches mostly devoid of its cumbersome leaves. Quickly gauging the jump required to reach the safety of its lower boughs, the girl planted her feet and leapt just as the dragon’s dark jaws snapped down on the space where her heels had been moments before.
It roared in frustration; a flicker of smug elation ran through her as she scrambled up the tree. The feat was made difficult by the unsheathed sword in her hand, but she knew only height or a distraction could move her out of reach of the monster’s deadly fangs and talons.
Unless it decided it had had enough and flew off, of course.
Relief poured through her like a waterfall as she craned her neck to watch the dragon unfurl its wings, her muscles almost collapsing with the force of the emotion. In just under fifteen minutes she had managed to go from adrenaline pumped; to terrified out of her mind; to feeling like she had just run in a day-long marathon and fought a score of Moblins all at once.
But Vanessa had survived. The dragon hadn’t gotten her, she had found Nayru, and now it
was leaving before any more harm could be done.
Just as she looked down on it, though, and it streaked past her hiding place into the sky with one enormous bound, all the joy and elation she was feeling froze in her stomach.
Clinging for his life to the dragon’s back, weapons drawn, was Link.
Haha can't argue with that. xP But if you really were Vanessa, you'd do what she just did--the Hero is a little more commonplace to them than us, after all lol. ;P
The Maku Trees are from the Oracle games; the one in Labrynna (Oracle of Ages and, obviously, this story) is 'female' and the one in Holodrum (Oracle of Seasons) is 'male'--for arguments sake anyway, since a tree isn't really one or the other. roflol xP Hopefully more about the Maku Tree will come out later, but she isn't much of a key player anyway, at least later in the story (as far as I know; things can change really quickly, hehe ^_^).
Are you saying 'the person' as the reader, or Vanessa? If the reader, then yes, I know not many people will know about the Hero of Time if they haven't played the games, but that's ok 'cause more of his past will come out later in the story, even things which are like "Well duh who wouldn't know that?" to a hard-core OoT fan (haha ;P).
I intentionally plan out my stories so even non-Zelda readers can understand what's going on and who's who and at least some of the inherent background behind each character, no matter what history they have with the games. (As I've once been told, assume the reader has no knowledge at all of the subject or what's going on; therefore, show them what's happening and who's who.) And sometimes there are elements even Zelda players may or may not know, depending on their acquaintance with the series (like you not knowing who the Maku Tree was--which isn't a bad thing, by all means!).
Thank you for the comment though! I hope I cleared up any confusion you had which can be clarified at this point without spoiling the plot. Please stick around!
I really like the plot and I know if I was Vanessa, I would be like...totally flippen out and hugging Link!!! Too bad I'm not....But anyways, I read it over last night and thought about it. My brother and I play Zelda, but I wasn't sure who the Maku Tree is exactly. And I know that this may sound weird, since I kinda doubt not many Zelda fans would read it but like, think the person doesn't know anything about The Hero of Time and everything. So yeah, just a tip!
Haha why thank you! It's good to see more Zelda fans around here, hehe. ^_^ So what do you think of the plot so far? Very Zelda-esque, or too far out, or just right--or something completely different? lol
To everyone: the next chapter's going to be a little longer in coming; it's gotten VERY busy around here, but I have done *some* work on the story, haha. ^^; And Thanksgiving's coming up, so hopefully I can get a little more time to myself for writing, hehe. >=)
Thank you everyone!
YAYS!!!! ZELDA!!!! Hahahahaha I was really excited to read these....Yay!!! I, being a major zelda fan myself, couldn't resist but click on it. It was very well written and great. I absolutely loved it!!!!
Here is the guy.
http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Lysander
Same Rank and name, serious, disciplined and they both are experienced soldiers. That wiki article dosen't have much sorry.
Ooooh. Hahahahaha! That's funny, 'cause I have no idea who you're talking about. xP Let me know if he has a similar personality to the one here; it'd be interesting to see the coincidences, haha. ;P Thanks for the review--I really appreciate it! Unfortunately I have no idea when the next chap will be finished...
Great LOZ fanfic. A few things though
Whats a Space Marine doing in Hyrule? Lol that character hs the exact same name and rank as a character from warhammer. Everything else is fine from apart from some grammar which somebody else has pointed out. Keep writing.
Yes, I'm -kinda sorta- back!
And I haz the second (er, first) chappie of TWOD! ^_^ Let's see what happens, shall we? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 1: Warrior’s Beginnings
“No, no!” her father chastised lightly, rolling his brown eyes with slight annoyance. “If you do that, you’re going to end up hitting yourself instead of the target. Now pay attention; the motion is like this—”
Vanessa Satori followed Kayne’s words carefully this time, being sure they were imprinted clearly in her mind before holding her sword in the proper direction for the slice he was attempting to teach her. Her expression pulled down into a deep frown of concentration as she stared at the long blade in her hands, as if that alone would force it to perform the required maneuver. Gathering her energy and back-weighting as she had been taught, the brunette held the hilt in both hands before unleashing her coiled-up muscles with a shout. She easily crossed the five-foot distance between her and her instructor, bringing her blade down powerfully against the shield which he held as a target.
“Good—very good!” Kayne praised, lowering the thick, metal-bound disk of wood to appraise his grinning student. “It seems you finally have the jump slice under control. How do you feel about a proper sparring match again?”
Flicking some stray hair from her bangs out of her hazel eyes, Vanessa beamed at her father. “Really? You think I’m ready?”
Kayne returned her smile gently, his gleaming eyes lightening his weathered, middle-aged face with a warm glow. “We’ll just have to see. You’ve certainly improved since we started—maybe you have a chance.”
Excitedly the girl backpedaled a few paces, raising her longsword before her defensively in preparation for the start of the match. Flipping her braid over her shoulder, she exclaimed, “Alright then—let’s do this!”
Though he laughed at her enthusiasm, Kayne lost no time engaging her in close-quarters combat. Dodging around his shield to the right, Vanessa circled to his back in an attempt to force a yield from behind. However her father was smarter than this and simply jabbed the butt of his spear toward her to discourage the action. As she wheeled away, searching for an opening, he skillfully morphed the jab into a spin to face her, the spear’s blunt point narrowly missing.
Vanessa resisted the urge to run backwards from his next charge. Instead she sidestepped the lance to get inside his guard, twisting her sword so the hilt and pommel smacked into his chest; skewering him with the blade itself wasn’t exactly an option in this fight. The force of her strike forced him to assume the defensive, retreating until her weapon could not reach past the protective arc of his spear.
“Well done so far, Vanessa,” Kayne commended. “And technically I could actually say you won this fight, because in a real battle you wouldn’t have been so merciful with that pommel thrust. However I’m sure you wish to try yourself in a much longer fight, so we’ll let that slide for now.”
Nodding to show she understood, Vanessa readied her sword for another charge. Unfortunately, just before she made her move, a commanding voice interrupted them.
“Vanessa, put that infernal thing down and come here!” her mother’s voice called from their house’s back door. “There’s someone I want you to meet!”
Perplexed, she slowly lowered her weapon, glancing inquisitively at her father. Kayne sighed but motioned for her to obey, taking the longsword from her before she left. “Don’t worry about cleaning up this time; your mother seems to have more important things in store for you at the moment.”
Vanessa smiled briefly at him. “Alright. Thanks, Father.”
As the girl jogged easily from the makeshift sparring ring her father had set up in their backyard two years ago, she contemplated who Aylena could possibly want to introduce her to now. Considering the fact that the buxom woman was extremely social and had connections to nearly everyone in the large town, Vanessa was slightly surprised to find that there was someone in Lynna she hadn’t met yet. But she shrugged and put her musings aside; whoever it was, she was going to meet them now. Thinking about the whys and how’s wouldn’t change anything.
Her blond brother—six years younger than her at ten years old—bounced up to her as she stepped over the threshold. “Betcha can’t guess who, betcha can’t guess who!” he announced in a sing-song tone as she knocked the autumn mud off her boots.
Rolling her eyes at Soran’s antics, the girl retorted lightly, “It’s Mayor Penn inquiring about the state of the yearlings in training for the militia cavalry.”
“Nope—even better!” the youth giggled, his brown eyes dancing in a mirror image of his excited feet. “You’ll never believe it, Ven! You won’t!”
“Soran, stop bothering your sister and let her get on with it!” Aylena chastised from the kitchen to their right. “You come and help me with these potatoes, you right little scallywag.”
Laughing at her brother’s disappointed groan, she mussed his hair playfully before continuing down the entrance hall into the living area proper to greet her visitor.
Upon rounding the corner, however, she immediately stopped in her tracks and involuntarily gasped.
A smile tugged at the corner of the other Hylian’s lips, crystal eyes twinkling with half-concealed mirth. “What? Never seen a Hylian before?”
Vanessa forced her muscles to relax and offered the Hero of Time a tentative smile in return. “Ah, n-no, Hero—it’s just…”
The blond warrior nodded understandingly, uncrossing his arms beneath the concealing black cloak. Expanding his arms in a gesture that revealed parts of the green tunic beneath the travel garment, he answered his own question: “The average Hylian doesn’t usually see the hero of three worlds—or more—randomly show up in their living room. Am I correct?”
She nodded, slowly regaining her composure. “Y-yeah.” Following an awkward pause, the girl mentally slapped herself before saying, “What a poor host I am! Please have a seat, Hero.”
The Hero smiled gratefully, bowing humbly in what she suspected was an attempt at humor to make her more at ease. “Why, thank you, gracious lady. However, you don’t have to call me ‘Hero’; it gets tiring after a while. Please, call me Link.”
Fearing that he would see the blush quickly painting her expression, Vanessa ducked her head as Link nonchalantly seated himself in her father’s armchair. His eyes never left her, prompting her to do something to fill the silence that threatened to settle over them. “Um—w-would you like something to drink? Are you hungry?”
Smiling again—‘Damn it, that’s not helping!’—he shook his head. “No, thank you. I satisfied myself before stopping by.” Noticing her discomfort, he expanded his smile encouragingly. “We can drop the formalities, if you wish; I’ve never been one for pomp and circumstance, anyway. Go ahead and sit down.”
Embarrassed—both by her unusual timidity and being ordered around in her own home by a hero—the girl did so, forcing herself not to flop ungracefully onto the couch across the room from Link.
Before she could speak again, however, her guest dropped his cool façade and leaned forward. His angled features were set in a mask of seriousness, gauntleted hands nervously clasped together in front of him. “Aylena told me you were practicing swordplay with Kayne before I arrived,” he stated bluntly.
Taken off-guard by the abrupt comment, Vanessa eyed Link warily, sizing up the blue hilt protruding from his cloak behind his shoulder. “Why does that concern you?” she questioned slowly. “A little friendly sparring between father and daughter is nothing to frown at. And how did you know my parents’ names?”
A wry smile that did not reach his eyes crossed his lips. “Your mother told me; no, in fact that’s a good sign; and it concerns me because if you are to travel with me, you will need a good sense of your limits with a sword. I don’t have time to be teaching a wide-eyed recruit how to hold their weapon when Kargorocs are diving at us.”
Bewildered, she merely stared at the boy—who she just now realized could not be much older than her—as his words processed. “Wait—you want me to…wait. What?”
Seeing her wide-eyed expression of shock, Link chuckled, appearing relieved by something. Once more at ease, he laced his hands behind his head and leaned back in his seat, stretching his legs out in front of him. “Yes, in fact, I do.
“Allow me to explain why I’m here: in short, Nayru is missing; evil magic is stirring in the north; and the Maku Tree specifically requested that I bring you along on my expedition to investigate this.” He raised one hand to stall Vanessa’s obvious question. “And before you ask, I don’t have a clue why she would specify you; probably some kind of intuitive hero sense or something.” He sighed amusedly, shaking his head. “It seems every guardian or leader I meet has something like that…
“Anyway—” The Hero stood in one fluid motion that appeared unnaturally quick to Vanessa, clapping his hands together with finality. “The offer stands: Vanessa Satori of Lynna, will you answer the call to follow me and my men on a perilous—possibly life-threatening—expedition to the north, or remain home and continue to improve your skills in obscurity?”
Silence descended on them as Vanessa merely sat where she was, staring unseeingly at the hand Link had extended to her. A look of utmost patience was on his face, as if he understood the turmoil she was going through.
‘This—this is a big choice,’ the girl realized, closing her eyes and putting a hand to her head as if to focus her thoughts. ‘I mean, I’ll be leaving everyone behind for who knows how long, if what…Link said is true. Yet—Father once said he feels I’m meant for greater things than the family business, or even the militia.’
“The Hero of Time is calling upon your skills,” the voice she recognized as her impulsive half whispered.
‘But what if I die in this venture? I don’t know if I want to risk inflicting that pain on my family,’ she countered.
“You are stronger than that, Vanessa; and with the Hero of Time watching, you have nothing to fear. And he can teach you more than Kayne ever could!”
She frowned, rubbing her temple wearily. ‘But who says life by the sword is really what I’m meant for? Mother’s always said…’
“Forget that—you’re yet young and have so much potential! Imagine how much greater you could be, how much respect you could find by aiding the Hero in his quest. But more than that—you can help so many in this capacity. If this truly turns out to be another large-scale battle like the fabled confrontation with Veran…why, you could be a hero in your own right, and save thousands from darkness!”
“Does my mother know what you’re asking?” Vanessa questioned hesitantly.
Link was still half-smiling. “Of course. I would not come to you unless she had given her permission first.”
Slowly, the girl’s optimism returned. Her blood began to race with anticipation as she considered the boons from this venture. She would finally be free to roam, away from the encumbering chains of her mother’s constant attempts to make her throw down the sword and take up sewing—or “something more respectable for a young lady!” as her mother put it.
Her mind made up, Vanessa stood with renewed vigor and looked from the proffered hand to the Hero’s eyes. With a curt nod she clasped his hand, sealing the deal. “Count me in.”
———————
Her memory of the hurried packing that ensued following her agreement to Link’s request would later become a blur in her mind. At the time, however, her life felt as if it was moving by with perfect clarity. In minutes the objects of her life had been examined and kept or discarded until only the bare necessities fit into a twenty-pound rucksack on her back, including her short sword and light buckler. The majority of the weight and space was taken up by a bedroll, blanket, and some medical supplies; all but the smallest food items would be packed on their horses.
As soon as the packing was completed, she, Soran, and Aylena stood on the small lawn in front of the house to say their good-byes. Vanessa briefly wondered where Kayne had gotten to as she returned her mother’s teary-eyed embrace. At the boy’s begging, she picked Soran up and lightly tossed him above her head, catching him again to indulge in an affectionate noogie, their laughter lending an air of humor to the scene. The Hero of Time watched with a tiny smile from his place beside a huge blood-red mare a short distance away, almost unnoticed by the small family.
Vanessa turned and put her brother down at the sound of hoof beats coming around the side of the house nearest their little gathering. Her father appeared soon after, leading a relatively small white horse—no larger than fifteen-and-a-half hands at the withers—behind him by the reins. The stallion was completely tacked and ready for an excursion, which puzzled her.
Kayne answered the question in her eyes when he stopped before her. “You’ll need a good horse; by all accounts, the Hero’s steed is one of the fastest, smartest, most-devoted any horseman could wish to have.” He gave her a soft smile, extending the hand with the reins toward her. “I figured the least I could do is send you off with one to match, considering the occasion.”
Tears pricked her eyes, though not entirely from sadness. She forced a smile yet didn’t move to take the stallion’s reins. “Father, I…I couldn’t.”
Kayne smiled understandingly. “I am getting on in years, Vanessa, and cannot handle as many horses as I once did. Seril is young and free-spirited, but smart. He deserves to get out more and learn from experience—not just drills in a ring.” He took her hand and pressed the leather in his into hers with a firmness that brooked no argument. “Remember, take good care of him, and he will take care of you.”
Unable to control her emotions, Vanessa threw her arms around her father in a grateful, loving hug. Seril snorted in light irritation at the sudden gesture, but made no indication of true skittishness. “Thank you,” she whispered, pulling away after a moment. “I’ll come back as soon as I can.”
“All that matters is you stay sharp, remember what I taught you, and listen to the Hero—if he can’t get you back here safe, then no one can,” he advised. “We’ll wait as long as we have to, so long as the mission is complete. May the Goddesses watch over you.”
Vanessa lifted the reins over Seril’s head as she moved to his near flank, gathering them up in one hand again in preparation to mount. “And you as well, Father.”
With that, the girl placed her foot in the stirrup and gracefully swung a leg over Seril’s back, quickly settling herself in the comfortable travelling saddle. The stallion lifted a foreleg impatiently, champing at the bit in his eagerness to be off. Aylena began rattling off last-minute words of advice as her daughter nudged the horse into a walk toward Link, who had also mounted and was waiting for her at the corner of the house. Beyond him, the road curved to the left down a steep incline, where it then merged with the town’s main road and passed through Market Square.
She could hear her family calling fare-wells and good-byes after them until long after the pair had disappeared from sight.
“So,” Vanessa began once they had reached the edge of the market. “Where to first?”
Link didn’t look behind him as he carefully steered his mare around some children darting through the street, which was slowly becoming more congested the closer they came to the Market. “I already spoke with the Mayor about lending me some soldiers,” he explained. “We’re going to meet them at the east entrance to town and go northeast from there. The castle the Maku Tree mentioned is that way, across North Gorge.”
At her rider’s direction his horse suddenly turned across Seril’s path, forcing Vanessa into a side street. “It’s going to be too crowded in the square; we’ll make better time if we go around.”
Though perplexed at the abrupt change, the girl managed to accept it as his reasoning registered. ‘I hope it’s not going to be like this the whole way,’ she thought with an internal grimace. ‘He’s gonna be hard to keep up with if so…’
Then again, she shouldn’t expect less of the Hero of Time; Kayne had once told her being unpredictable was the first step to gaining the upper hand in a fight.
The streets quickly passed by them, and within minutes the buildings thinned out around them until they had reached the palisade wall that defended Lynna from all casual and some major threats. A few of the city’s militia men paced back and forth along thin catwalks erected along the inside of the sharpened posts, eyes alert for danger within the forest a hundred yards away. Link halted Epona just before the gate, where a group of ten impatient cavalrymen waited.
Their captain, the eleventh member of the troupe, nudged his horse toward them and saluted. “Well met, Hero,” he greeted cordially—though his weathered face was set in the neutral expression of someone embarking on a dangerous mission. “I trust your errand has been completed?”
Link nodded, motioning for Vanessa to move Seril up beside him. “This is Vanessa Satori. She’ll be joining us for the duration of the journey. Vanessa, this is Captain Lysander.”
The girl offered a sincere “Pleased to meet you” and ducked her head humbly. Lysander nodded politely in return but eyed the sword on her hip skeptically, obviously doubting the girl knew how to use it properly. He had the grace not to voice his thoughts, at least. “Understood, Hero. Shall we be off, then?”
At his superior’s nod, the captain turned his horse around and signaled to the troupe to move out. The horses snorted and whinnied eagerly as their riders kicked them after the Captain, Link, and Vanessa. On the other side of the wall they surged forward into a quick lope, streaming across the hill toward the forest like a cloud released from the wind’s direction to do as it pleased.
As they rode away from Lynna, a slow grin grew on Vanessa’s face. She was starting off on her own adventure at last, and the fact that the Hero himself trusted her to be able to hold her own added immensely to the satisfaction and excitement of the venture.
She couldn’t wait until things really got going.
Thank you Vox! (Sorry for getting back to you so late; it's been busy around here, hehe ^^;.)
Haha lol. That was me being fancy with my scene dividers. xD
Lol; that was intentional. I wanted to see who was awake.
Ah! So you caught that one, eh? Well, there's a reason for this--but seeing as it relates to the plot, I can't say much.
Thank you so much for following along, and especially for the compliments. I'll try to finish up the next chapter, but you know how life is. Especially when writer's block comes to visit. -.-
Boo! Yup, I think you've been waiting for me to do this to your fanfictions for a long time now, haven't you?
Well today's your lucky day!
Nitpicking first, as always!
Awkward! Try rephrasing the bolded section to make it a bit more clear.
He he he... Her.
I see what you're doing, although it isn't exactly evident in your writing. I would consider adding "that was" in order to create:
"The rumbling steadily intensified in harmony with the mint green glow that was slowly illuminating the the abyss' endless depths."
Another clause missing, and a very odd repetition. Consider required or something similar instead of forced, or perhaps strengthen instead of reinforce. If I were you, I would try:
"...was so strong that Vaden could barely stand, and was forced to fortify her stance with magic."
Hmmm... If the chains were invisible, how do we know they were chains? Maybe a simile was intended here?
As much as we appreciate dramatic effects like this in the movies, I have my doubts over the effectiveness of ghost howls in prose writing.
Aha! Guilty as charged! I'll let you decide how to vary the words, but my suggestion is to use the word "poised" (or a variation thereof) in place of the word "standing".
Well, okay. The structure is passable, maybe. Yet, you don't need to put so much information in one sentence. Consider leaving some other facts for your next paragraph, like where he's headed.
I think Mary Pope Osbourne is crying "Plagiarism!" right now.
If you're going to do this, you need "after" at the beginning of it. But honestly, it's awfully rough on the eyes to write it this way. Consider using a more artistic element to do something like: "It felt to the green-clothed hero as though hours had passed, but he knew his sense of time had been changed by the eerie atmosphere." Or something similar. Go ahead and divide this and the following section into two if you must, but make it pretty to look at.
I'll give you an 'A' for effort, but it sounds odd. Just go straight out and say that Link caught his breath if that was your intention.
Repetition of the word 'smoke'. Consider 'smog' or 'ash' as artistic alternatives.
I'm honestly not sure about this, but I don't think you need to capitalize "hmm" in this context. Also, when writing that sound, you need three 'm's.
Did Link nod in the affirmative as if to say 'yes,' or did he shake his head to say 'no'? Judging by the context, I think you need to change this to "Link shook his head..."
Definite need of rephrasing. Try "...Maku Tree's words and considered his options."
As artistic as the thought was, I don't think stating the obvious is going to do any extra benefit to the writing.
Isn't the term "Hylian?" Or is this how the Maku Tree talks?
Note #1: How many ways do you describe the pit? Let me count the ways... Maybe 2. I see the word abyss or abyssal quite a lot in this writing. While it does get ingrained into your head and give an image, seeing the words constantly makes you wonder what else the pit might be--round, a square hole, perhaps cobwebs or designs in it. It can't just be abyssal. Consider adding more variation to the description of the hole, or perhaps focusing less on it when the dragon arrives.
Note #2: Your sentence structure is... not bad. It is, however, awfully verbose and long-winded. Perhaps that's forgivable, but I find that my eye after a line or so wants to rush to the end just to make sure that the sentence actually ends. There are a lot of times you can consider making one sentence into two and create more artistry with how you reveal information to the reader. I remember Penguin stating in your previous draft how you tend to have a problem with information dumping, and that might still be evident in this. Just take your time!
A good example of this, which I have decidedly saved for here:
Just take the dashed phrase and make it your next sentence. You don't need the cramming. In fact, saving that fact will help keep the reader moving forward, instead of getting every question that pops into their head answered right away. Keep them guessing!
All right, nitpicking to the side, I thought this was brilliant! You have a way of setting up your readers, especially with the ending cliffhanger, that really keeps them interested. To take a subject like Zelda, which is so stereotypical and so obvious to those who know it and make it fresh again is a pretty difficult feat to accomplish properly. I think that you have accomplished the feat quite well by reimagining the plot and such.
Now that I've actually forced myself to take an hour and read it thoroughly, I'm waiting for more!
~Vox