All righty! This is quite literally the first story I've ever written (not this draft- good heavens, I wouldn't post the first draft if my life depended on it!!)(actually it's still in the drafting stages! 
), my first fanfiction in a series of four or five, and is now my first thread!! 
yay! anyway, if you have questions about the game after which this fanfiction comes or just about the series in general, PM me!
Now, on with the story!
Prologue: Wings of Darkness
A shadowed, cloaked man stood before a deep, cavernous pit, his head bowed and hands at his side. He muttered an incantation in a language none but his pupil could understand. A smaller, slighter figure stood a few paces behind him, face hidden by an overhanging cowl.
The man’s head snapped up and his arms shot up perpendicular to his shoulders, and the words poured like a roaring waterfall. His student took a sudden step back, as if hesitant to leave her master; the man’s words dropped to a mutter and faded away before she had to decide. Her master stepped back with a satisfied smirk.
A faint rumbling echoed from the depth of the pit. It grew louder as something approached; strange, floating green lights bounced back and forth against the darkness of the distant walls.
Suddenly a dark, winged shape shot from the hole’s depths, roaring its triumph to the rock walls all around. It soared overhead, still roaring, its wide, strong wings effortlessly propelling it through the enormous cavern.
“My lord,” The girl whispered nervously to her master, “Are you sure about this?”
The man gestured with one hand, and the dragon plummeted to the stone floor. Her master laughed hysterically as he forced the beast to bow to him; its eyes glared red in the darkness.
“We have nothing to fear, my apprentice.”
Chapter 1: Hero’s Task
The Moblin collapsed at his feet, dead before it even hit the ground. Link continued on through the forest meadow, dashing across it in a full sprint in case any archers had been stationed nearby; where there was one monster, there were bound to be twenty more.
‘This isn’t right...’ He thought as he slowed to a halt and dropped into a crouch, bloody sword held at the ready.
Normally the forest was teaming with birds and mammals, alive with the whisper of the wind and the babbling of a nearby brook. But the animals had either been killed or frightened away by the monsters for the first time in a year; the wind was non-existent, and something had dammed the river. This something had aroused the dread creatures of evil, and the monsters were congregating alarmingly close to the Oracle of Ages’ home.
Only little over a year ago, an evil sorceress by the name of Veran had possessed the Oracle Nayru and used her powers to travel back in time. Once there, she had done all manner of evil things in an attempt to cloak Labrynna in darkness. It had been up to the young man named Link to stop her and bring light to the land once again- as he had so many others.
Once he had saved Labrynna and its twin world of Holodrum, both worlds’ guardian trees- known as the Maku Trees- had asked the young warrior to check up on their two seperate Oracles from time to time. Both women had undergone great ordeals, but Nayru had had the worst of it and needed to convalesce longer than her counterpart Din. And, since the Oracle of Ages was a bit of a loner, she had only the animals and an old caretaker of Hyrule’s royal family to help her recover.
So it was with trepidation that Link moved through these woods, glancing guardedly around for signs of more monsters and dreading the worst.
He stepped out of the woods and into the charred clearing that was merely a husk of the beautiful glen Link remembered. Small fires burned in remote patches of grass. He jumped as a charred, blackened branch fell from its tree with a splintering crack. The acrid taste of smoke burned in his throat, making him cough. There was not an animal to be seen or heard in the dead silence- only flames and the crack and pop of burning wood.
Link slowly moved through the clearing, glancing guardedly around to be sure there were no monsters in sight. The Master Sword twirled idly by his left shin as he peered through the blackened growth at the clearing’s edge; a huge space at least ten feet wide had been forcefully cleared through the branches beyond him. Even the thickest limbs had been snapped when the…something had flown through the forest to get here.
His heart filled with sadness and anger as he turned to the demolished remains of the little cottage that had been there just three days earlier. Only one wall remained, and the packed dirt floor he remembered seeing Nayru’s caretaker painstakingly sweep was layered by an inch of cold grey ashes. Smashed crockery littered the floor near what had been the hearth; the red clay was still warm, telling Link the fire had only just started maybe an hour ago.
‘Where did they go? Is Nayru still alive? Who could have ordered this?’ He wondered.
That brought him to his biggest question: What had started the fire?
Before he could fully contemplate this new predicament, he heard undergrowth snapping and ash disturbed by quick footfalls. He whirled around, shield held in front of him, and slashed blindly at the attacker. The Master Sword met flesh and bone; a Bokoblin- a smaller, green-skinned version of the bipedal, boar-like Moblin- howled in agony and fell, its shortsword swinging a wide arc past his shield. But he found that where one had fallen, there were twenty more to take its place- and a good number of other monsters.
Link had just enough time to sheathe his sword and jump over the burned-out rear wall to escape into the woods. He immediately pelted through the trees without loosing a step, heading southwest toward Lynna City.
The Bokoblins and Moblins he had no trouble outrunning. But as he and the remaining Lizalfoses played cat-and-mouse, Link knew he would have to do something soon to avoid the fifteen upright lizards and certain death.
He suddenly screeched to a halt- the dried-up river’s banks dropped out beneath his feet, at least a fifteen foot drop straight down onto a conglomeration of smooth river stones.
Deciding that a confrontation would be unavoidable, he again drew his sword and ducked behind a withered oak to wait for the lagging lizards to come in sight again. He didn’t have to wait long; the dim-witted monsters came crashing through the undergrowth without pausing to scan the open edge along the riverbank. The leading three even tumbled into the riverbed; one snapped its neck.
Before Link had to jump out from behind his tree, though, five turkey vultures dove at the remaining dozen lizards, cawing raucously. Two bears lumbered through the trees behind them, and more squirrels than he could count swarmed from the treetops over the nearest enemies. It only took a minute or two for the Lizalfos to give up; they hissed angrily and retreated without their quarry.
The confused warrior had sheathed his sword and was about to step into the clearing when he felt an animal nudge his back. He turned and his eyes widened in shock when he saw the black muzzle and red coat of his beloved steed Epona.
“How did you get here, girl?” Link whispered, checking the straps on her bridle as he stroked her nose. The horse whickered and nudged him again. He smiled and rubbed her ears. Epona sighed and lowered her head for him to get the itchier spots.
"All right, let's go." He said finally, slapping her neck affectionately. He swung up into the saddle and again turned southwest for Lynna City.
*************************************************************
“So, you see, I don’t have a clue what evil force is left that could be controlling so much power. Veran was defeated a year ago, and there’s no other power I could think of that has been plaguing us before now.” Link explained to the Maku Tree.
The great tree’s branches shifted slightly as she thought his news over. Finally she said, in trees’slow-moving, groaning fashion, “Yes- this is indeed puzzling. I sense an evil emanating from the old castle in the northern mountains, but it is as yet rather weak. Yet its power grows exponentially with each passing day. Within a month it will seek to conquer all of Labrynna, and mostly succeed. It is good you are here, Link- we will need your strength and courage once more.”
Link sighed- it always had to be him, didn’t it?- and complained, “Maku Tree, if you knew exactly how many monsters I had seen, you wouldn’t be so quick to send me out on my own. This is going to take more than just one boy-hero, I’m afraid.”
He could tell by the Tree’s silence she was displeased with his remark. After a moment, she said, “You know this little city is hardly geared for war or other pursuits. Your homeworld of Hyrule is only equipped the way it is because of the constant wars. There are not many here who can help you. However-” She allowed when he opened his mouth to interject, “I believe the Mayor has heeded some inner foresight, for he keeps a small battalion of men ready for the greater good- just in case. You might request aid of him, should you require it.”
Link bowed stiffly. “Very well. I’ll go see to that now and investigate the northern castle- if you wish it?”
Before she could answer his question, there came a gust of wind that shook her limbs and caught the leaves straight off their branches. Link braced himself against the strong winds, feeling his cap threaten to fly off his head. The winds died down in three seconds, leaving Link confused.
The Maku Tree cleared up his confusion. “There is a girl here by the name of Vanessa. You might know her parents, wouldn’t you?” She asked, only the slightest rustling of her leaves.
Link nodded slowly, eyes narrowing suspiciously. ‘What was that gust? How does she know I know Vanessa’s parents?’ The questions flashed through his head, but he suppressed them as the Maku Tree continued.
“If you seek help and success in your quest, you would do well to request her aid.” There was silence a moment, then the tree vigorously shook her limbs. “Now go. If the danger is as strong as you say it is, there is not much time left. Gather what soldiers you need and hasten northward to the castle.”
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The Wings of Darkness has been revised and reposted. See Legend of Zelda: Wings of Darkness for new draft.
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139,331 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Geeze, has it really been so long? I guess it has, haha...
So if you're interested, you can dump this one and go check it out here.
Anyway--I am posting to announce that this draft of TWOD is being axed. *holds up hands to still complaints* That is to say, I personally will not be posting on this, though it will stay up in obscure infamy, haha. HOWEVER--I also have better news. The NEW draft has begun!
Thank you (times a million) to those who have read/reviewed so far! I hope this doesn't inconvenience anyone and that things only get better with this story from here on out.
Hi!
I really enjoyed this part! I agree with the previous comments but here are some more 
I’d maybe instead have something about hearing a knock at the door as you don’t know if it is someone yet (I know it is bound to be but all you know at this point is that there is a knocking sound on the door
You use ‘though’ quite soon after this so I’d change one or the other (for instance here it could be ‘despite the cloak wrapped around his shoulders’) I’d maybe miss out ‘from the cloak’ at the end here as well so as to avoid confusion as to whether it is the cloak or the sword hilt protruding and also as I don’t think you really need it
I’d like a bit more detail here as to how she says this and how she appears as her initial reaction seemed very shocked. Perhaps a bit more added here to show her being flustered or something like that would add more to the image.
If they were shaking violently then wouldn’t it be the fault of her hands?
I’d add something here to show that he is changing who he is talking to, like something about turning to face her and perhaps changing his tone. I’d also maybe add ‘up’ on the end, although it’s not needed I think it might sound better
I’m not sure about saying ‘blood-red’ as that is what I generally associate with a creepy description whereas here it is not supposed to be, maybe ‘deep red’ or ‘rust coloured’ or something like that
When you say that they walked down the incline in an awkward silence, that kind of covers the time they would be silent for so the persisted part is still referring to the same time I think (if that made any sense), I’d maybe change ‘which persisted’ to describe the silence more. Perhaps something about them each avoiding the others gaze or coughing every now and then
As it’s her thought, I’d maybe put it into italics.
This sounded a bit awkward to me, I think you could rephrase it a bit. Maybe something like ‘He shot a hard glance at the Hero, as if Link was behind all the disruption in his peaceful world.’
I’d maybe add a bit here on perhaps him shaking himself or snapping himself out of his mood, like ‘He gave a sharp shake of his head to clear the glum feeling upon him and turned to the general.’ You could then have ‘he said, on a lighter note.’ after his speech.
‘giving Link a mock bow’ sounded a bit odd to me, I think it could be phrased a bit better- maybe something like ‘bowing mockingly to Link.’
Overall: I like how you have continued, I’m even more curious! You have brought up a couple of hints on secrets and things to be found out later that makes me even more keen to read on
I love your use of description but I think you could add more to Vanessa as I haven’t really got an image of what she is like here. I think you could add in some pieces of description surrounding her looks and perhaps how her expression and tone changes throughout the piece. After she has joined Link I haven’t got much of a sense on how she feels about it all, perhaps by showing how she appears more or giving a couple of her thoughts it would become more clear
I also think there could be more around the area where Link asks Vanessa to join him. I think she accepts very quickly and I would think there would be more of a reaction from her mother at the prospect of her daughter leaving. I’d maybe add in more on how she takes this- perhaps trying to persuade her to stay or at least telling Link gravely to take care of her or something like that.
Other than that I think this was a brilliant piece
Haha lol Don't worry about it. I am plagued by the same affliction. xD
Well thankies! You don't have to review every chap if you don't want to, though; my style, as I've said multiple times, has so dramatically changed that actually a lot of the nitpicks you picked up will be fixed just as a matter of course when I get off my lazy butt and rewrite this. xD Go ahead and read it all, though, 'cause I don't know how much sense the most-recent part of the story will make without reading it, but keep in mind that how I really write at the moment is more like the 10th chap (which I just recently put up).
Yay! Thankies. ^_^ Actually...ok, here's something really weird about my brain. It likes to insert rather mysterious foreshadowing about certain plot points that I subconsciously discard, and thus completely forget about revealing the reason behind the foreshadowing later; or else the mode of foreshadow just makes no sense at all. So I'm thinking that's going to be changed--but good job picking up on that, anyway! xD ^^;
Haha not at all! Please, continue the pickiness, if you so desire.
Oh, rest assured--these will be added when I edit, hehe. *evil gigglesmirk*
Hi Gladius!
Sorry I took so long, chat distracts me 
I have read the first chapter and am reviewing that now before moving to the next, and I really like it so far! I certainly want to know what that gust of wind was- something evil no doubt 
Now I shall proceed to review the first piece in my overly-picky-ninja-style-mode 
I think this sentence is correct in everything, it just confused me a bit as I thought he had muttered an incantation at first, that it wasn't a constant stream of words but that he had already said it. Perhaps to get across that he is saying these words without stopping you could add something in or rephrase it a little. Maybe something like 'He muttered an incantation steadily without pausing for breath, his words a language that none but his pupil could understand.'
By taking a sudden step back it doesn't really sound like she is hesitant to leave her master- it more says that she is afraid of him. You could maybe add in something after the step back about stopping as if hesitant to leave her master or you could extend a bit upon the hesitance to include something about being afraid of him as well
You repeat 'charred' here, I'd maybe change one of them to something else of just leave it out about the branch as you already have 'blackened' and I think that would work fine on its own
You repeat the sound 'crack' here so I'd maybe change one, maybe the flames could 'splutter' or 'spit' or something like that. I think you could maybe rephrase 'there was not an animal to be seen or heard in the dead silence' a bit, perhaps something like 'There was not a single animal to be seen or heard, dead silence reigning fully over the decimated clearing.' as you mention about the 'dead silence' maybe it would be good to also refer to the image of the clearing again as you are saying you cannot see an animal.
This is a really picky comment sorry
I think you could go through his emotions a bit better, like in stages first showing his sadness and describing that feeling a little then moving on to anger. Something perhaps about his heart sinking in sadness before burning with anger and a bit more description on the rest of his body's feelings might work well.
I'm not sure but maybe 'into' would work better here than 'in'.
I'd change one of the 'yet' so you are not repeating them so close to one another, anything like 'but' 'still' 'however' or a word similar would work fine.
I don't think you need the 'and complained' part to this sentence, I think it might work better without it as we can already tell that he is complaining from his words and that he is sighing beforehand
I'd maybe change one of the three 'wind/winds' here, I think it works fine twice but with the third one it did sound kind of repetitive. Maybe the last one could be referred to as something like 'the whirl of air' or something like that- I'm sure you can come up with something
'wouldn't you?' sounded odd to me here, but if I read through it again I can see that it makes sense
Overall: I think this is a good beginning and I will definitely read on! As with the previous piece I reviewed of yours though, I am being very picky so ignore my comments if you like
I think you could add more to how Link feels physically, like when he is running or when he is upset. I like the thoughts throughout the piece in revealing more from Link's perspective but maybe a bit more on how his body is effected would be good too. For instance when he is running maybe he is out of breath or his heart rate increases or something like that. I'd also add a bit more to where the animals see off the Lizalfos as it goes by very quickly- maybe some more detail on how they appear when fleeing or how the animals look in their actions. I was a bit confused by that part so I think some more explanation could be added.
I thought the scene with the Maku tree and the gust of wind was well written, the only thing that I think could be added would be how she sounds after he gust of wind- has her voice changed? There is obviously something suspicious about it so I was just wondering how it affected her
That's all I could spot in my pickiness, hope I've helped!
Yay, thankies! ^_^
Haha yeah, I just noticed that when I opened it to work on it today. ^^;
*rolls on floor laughing*
Thanks. That's exactly what I was going for, especially for non-gamer readers. ^_^ Yes, I'm very much used to writing long chaps (and if you think this was long--I'm not even finished. Also, I've written some chaps that were, like, 12+ MS Word pages. Oo).
Again, thankies! ^_^
~Glad
Yay, thankies! ^_^
Haha yeah, I just noticed that when I opened it to work on it today. ^^;
*rolls on floor laughing*
Thanks. That's exactly what I was going for, especially for non-gamer readers. ^_^ Yes, I'm very much used to writing long chaps (and if you think this was long--I'm not even finished. Also, I've written some chaps that were, like, 12+ MS Word pages. Oo).
Again, thankies! ^_^
~Glad
Yay, thankies! ^_^
Haha yeah, I just noticed that when I opened it to work on it today. ^^;
*rolls on floor laughing*
Thanks. That's exactly what I was going for, especially for non-gamer readers. ^_^ Yes, I'm very much used to writing long chaps (and if you think this was long--I'm not even finished. Also, I've written some chaps that were, like, 12+ MS Word pages. Oo).
Again, thankies! ^_^
~Glad
Hey Glad, Stella here!
Okay, so I have read none of the rest, so this'll be completely unbiased in either direction... may also be slightly confused, but ah well...
I. NITPICKS
As in, nervously and repetitively, as in a nervous habit, or just once?
led.
Dragoon?
in a foreign tongue, perhaps?
hissed, maybe?
ballistae, trebuchets, grand, but how exactly are towers siege weapons? Or do you mean like those big things orcs come out of the The Return of the King?!
Either amidst or between, both doesn't sound quite right to me...
Again, actually dragoon or dragon? I mean, it could be dragoon, probably is... but... just checking.
had been out searching for her, obviously something had happened—but what?
I'm seeing double!
Complicated to mouth...
This sentence, though pretty, takes several readings.
Wasn't it Zelda wore that?!
Alright...
II. THE BOY, THE GIRL
You tend to, instead of using pronouns and names, say "The Girl" "The soldier," "The pair," "The dragon." It's fine once or twice but, to be honest, after a while it gets a bit annoying. I understand it's good to remind us just who's who, but not this often! Just be careful with it...
III. OVERALL
Well, considering I didn't read any of the rest, this was surprisingly easy to follow- and considering I've never played Zelda either. Your style is nice, simple- just how I like it, personally. It is a bit long- I think you're in the habit of writing long chapters, yes? So... whatever on that note...
Hope I helped, and feel free to drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella.
Hey Glad, Stella here!
Okay, so I have read none of the rest, so this'll be completely unbiased in either direction... may also be slightly confused, but ah well...
I. NITPICKS
As in, nervously and repetitively, as in a nervous habit, or just once?
led.
Dragoon?
in a foreign tongue, perhaps?
Vanessa whispered loudly to the soldier beside her, “Run!”
As soon as they turned their horses and Jen’s mare wuffed nervously, the enemy soldiers were on the alert. They kicked their horses through the tangled undergrowth after the two girls when Seril’s bright coat flashed in the afternoon sunlight. Calling to their companions with shouts and the same alien words as before, they gave chase.
Because riding through the virgin forest at high speeds was most definitely not an option, both girls veered their horses back onto the path—in between the mounted company and their original destination. Startled cries from the horsemen darted after them, soon joined by the riders themselves. Vanessa practically lay right on her horse’s heaving neck, trusting him to find a safe path away from the enemy. The sound of hoof beats filled her ears and vibrated through her body as the powerful stallion thundered on, quickly overtaking Jen’s lesser steed.
“Teresa! Help!” she called to the dragon as Seril soared over a tree in their path. For a moment after the pursued horses had regained their stride on the opposite side of the log, there were only two sets of pounding hooves against the forest floor. All too soon, though, the louder thunder of a dozen steeds drummed on. Their pursuers had crossed the obstacle, determined to catch their new prey.
“Go north,” Teresa advised. “Don’t follow path if you can help it. I do what I can to throw them off once you in woods.”
“It’s kinda difficult not to follow the path, Ter!” Vanessa retorted.
A moment that seemed an eternity passed while the dragon sought other options for her partner. Then she reported, “There small deer trail off to right another hundred yards. I distract them while you get away.”
Apprehension settled in the girl’s gut. “Ter, what are you—”
But the dragon had already swooped low overhead, in the opposite direction from the horses, and fallen to a jarring landing in the middle of the path. Vanessa heard their pursuers’ steeds whinny in fright and the men shouting in surprise, then anger. Her dragon roared ferociously amidst the clanging of weapons and a sudden inexplicable explosion.
“Ter, no!” she screamed, panicking. The dragon roared again—was it in pain?—as she tried to yank the stallion around toward the battle, but he was far too frightened to obey the bit.
“Vanessa, go!” Jen berated. “She’ll be fine!”
Reluctantly returning her attention to the path racing away beneath them, Vanessa spotted the barely-perceptible opening that lead onto the deer path her dragon had mentioned. She see-sawed on the reins, finally managing to slow the stallion’s careening gait enough where she could push him into the slightly less-dense forest. As the branches whipped by, the girl lowered her head to protect her face, barely hearing Jen’s mount following after them. The yells and yowls from the fight slowly faded as the tired, lathered steeds traversed deeper and deeper into the trees.
After a long interval, the running and the yelling ceased.
Vanessa remained bent over Seril’s neck, panting heavily. Her breath caught as the panting threatened to turn into sobs, fighting back tears. ‘Ter…’
“Hey, you alright?” Jen placed a concerned hand on the girl’s shoulder, watching her worriedly. The girl grit her teeth, berating herself mentally for being so emotional. “Your dragon will be fine; those soldiers are no match for something of her size and speed.”
“It’s not them I’m worried about,” the girl croaked—embarrassingly. She cleared her throat self-consciously. “It’s the woman. I—I think she’s a sorceress…”
Jen snorted. “Who cares? Against a dragon, what chance does even someone like her stand? Besides, you can check up on her anytime—don’t push yourself to drinks over it..”
Vanessa finally looked up, smiling thankfully at the soldier. “Yeah. It’s just…I’ve been taking care of her for a month now, and she—well…she means a lot to me.”
The soldier smiled. “Yeah, I can imagine.” She slapped her mare’s neck affectionately. “I’d feel the same about Nereen here; I trained her myself when they first gave us our horses. But enough chit-chat—we need to be moving on. See if you can’t get in contact with your dragon and figure out what’s going on.”
“Her name’s Teresa,” the girl corrected, but smiled anyway. “Ter…?”
“Soldiers gone,” the dragon replied in a sing-song mental voice. “They run back home like scared-y-cats. I show them.”
Laughing, Vanessa replied, “Good for you. Now, show me where they’re going—we’re going to follow ‘em.”
---
“So that’s Northern Castle…” Vanessa murmured, eyes wide at the impressive sight.
Towering granite walls surrounded a sprawling complex of wood and stone buildings that apparently served as barracks, dining halls, and armories. Siege weapons—ballistae, towers, trebuchets—lined the farthest northeast wall amidst curious-looking wreckage strewn between them. Throughout it all, figures morphed into dots by distance patrolled the crossroads and alleys. In the center, a lofty keep topped by a spiral, open-topped tower loomed darkly over the landscape.
Jen scanned the walls and open terrain in front of the extensive keep as Vanessa studied it. Nudging the girl out of her trance with a foot, she pointed to the near southwest wall. Almost a dozen small shapes—obviously horsemen—congregated around an unseen point along the wall; in another few minutes, they had all disappeared through it.
“A secret entrance?” Vanessa murmured.
The soldier pursed her lips. “More likely a postern gate. But it doesn’t make sense that it wouldn’t be more heavily-guarded…”
“Ter?”
“It’s a gate,” the dragon confirmed.
Vanessa frowned. ‘They obviously don’t expect much trouble so close to home…’ She snorted. ‘How arrogant.’
Her thoughts shifted to their objective as Jen began drawing out a diagram of the castle in the dirt beside her. It had been a month since the Hero had been captured; she wondered how he was holding up. From the fact that the dragoon had been out searching for her, obviously something had happened—but what?
She angrily shoved aside the possibility of his death. If he had been…killed, then darkness would have fallen much more quickly. The monster infestation would be five times worse than it was, and certainly there would have been some evidence of their enemy gloating over their victory. But there wasn’t…
Jen’s gruff voice snapped her out of her worried thoughts. “Alright, here’s what I’m thinking.” The corporal pointed to her rough map of what they could see of the castle. “The Hero’s most likely going to be held either in the tower or the dungeons—I’m thinking the tower, ‘cause he’s quite an important prisoner and they’ll probably want to keep an eye on him at all times. So we can either start from the bottom up—check the dungeons first, ‘cause that’s easiest—or go top to bottom.”
Jen’s gruff voice snapped her out of her worried thoughts. “Alright, here’s what I’m thinking.” The corporal pointed to her rough map of what they could see of the castle. “The Hero’s most likely going to be held either in the tower or the dungeons—I’m thinking the tower, ‘cause he’s quite an important prisoner and they’ll probably want to keep an eye on him at all times. So we can either start from the bottom up—check the dungeons first—or go top to bottom.”
“It’s probably easier to go from bottom to top than top to bottom,” Vanessa pointed out. “We’re more likely to be spotted the longer we take to do this, and going from midlevel to top and then all the way back if he’s not there ensures there’re more monsters to see us than if we go bottom to top. Also, I think they’re a little too confident.” She nodded toward the distant postern gate, putting a finger on its place on Jen’s map. “The gate isn’t guarded that well—what’s to say they won’t put Link where he’ll be most miserable, even if it’s not directly in the commander’s daily line of sight?”
The soldier nodded slowly, a finger to her chin thoughtfully. “You’ve got a point…I would say we could split up to make it a lot easier on us—and cut down on time spent searching—but I’ve never really liked that idea. What if we ran into trouble? It’s a lot easier to corner one person than two.”
Vanessa smiled. “So I guess we’re going with plan A—bottom to top, together.”
Jen nodded and returned the grin, eyes lit with expectant determination. “Let’s ride. Tell Teresa to watch our backs.”
The pair crawled a ways back from the crest of the hill they had been laying on before standing and turning to their mounts. As the riders swung into their saddles, the horses pawed the ground impatiently, sensing the Hylians’ eagerness. With excited snorts they darted off around the hill toward the forbidding castle in the near distance.
Neither woman spoke as they trotted their horses through the trees nearest the wall, then slowed to a walk as their destination drew within sight. They dismounted quietly and crept closer to the gate itself on foot, watching warily for signs of alert guards.
Vanessa tapped her comrade on the shoulder and pointed; two lazy Moblins haphazardly patrolled the ramparts. Nodding, Jen retrieved her strung bow from its tube on her back and knocked an arrow. In short order the two guards were slumped against nearby crenellations without a sound to warn the garrison beyond. With a final guarded glance at the open space between the trees and the wall, the pair dashed over the grass and into the shadowed entry.
Jen tested the gate; grinning triumphantly, she looked over her shoulder and mouthed, “The buggers left it unlocked.” Vanessa mimed laughter as her partner cautiously swung the iron inward. She quickly switched to a startled hiss as the metal gave a high-pitched squeak.
Leaving the gate how it was, they darted swiftly into the keep and made for the shade beside a small, shack-like building to their left, hearts pounding. As seconds passed and still no sound of anything moving to investigate came, the duo slipped through the shadows closer to the main black-stone keep at the far end of the courtyard. Snuffling monsters sprawled chaotically across the tramped-down dirt before dilapidated barracks, snoring or gambling away as the intruders snuck past. Occasionally a fight broke out somewhere where Vanessa couldn’t see; once she and Jen even had to drop to the ground in order to avoid a terrified Bokoblin fleeing a Lizalfos.
After that incident, they made sure to look twice before moving into the open.
At last, with much trial and significant loss of breath, they reached the dark granite walls of the inner keep. Unlike normal castles, however, this stronghold was not surrounded by an inner wall. The gaping entrance to its labyrinthine depths loomed eerily before them, in all ways appearing as unguarded as the smaller gate through which they had entered the fortress. Cautiously, they crept forward and were swallowed up into the gloom.
Vanessa opened her mouth to ask Jen which way they should go at the first fork in the gargoyle-lined hall but gasped instead when the distinct hiss of a Lizalfos sounded behind them.
“Run!” the corporal ordered. The girl heard a sword whip from its sheath as Jen pushed her toward the left corridor. Unable to ignore the panic slithering its way up her throat, the girl ran as she had been told.
Footsteps and scraping claws echoed down every corridor as she made random turns through the dim halls, terror lending speed to her flight. Imaginary creatures flitted toward her at the edges of her vision, but when she turned her head they disappeared. Still on she ran, certain some of the innumerable beasts were pursuing her.
After a time, when it became clear even through her fear-enwrapped mind that nothing would catch her—yet—Vanessa regained control of her limbs and slowed to a limping walk through the dark, thickly-tapestried corridors. With her thoughts clear once more, she realized she had no idea where she was.
‘I should try to find the dungeons, at least…’ She reached out for Teresa, but found that there was such a heavy aura of dark magic surrounding the castle that the dragon might as well have been a normal human, for all that the girl could contact her. With a sigh Vanessa halted in the center of a four-way intersection, helplessly staring off down each of the four identical passages. ‘How am I supposed to find that in this maze, though? Granted, going down is a good start—but I have to find some stairs first.’
Heaving another sigh, the girl turned to go down the right corridor.
“Oh—well hello there.”
Vanessa jumped with a tiny yelp of shock and stumbled back, just barely managing to catch her balance. Her eyes widened in horror as dread snaked a hand around her throat.
The sorceress from the woods stood directly in front of her, one hand on her hip and an amused smirk on her ruby lips. The dark hair spilling down over her shoulders and around her face shimmered with cruel light despite the equally-dark shadows around them, mirroring her abyssal eyes. A dress-like, midnight-blue tunic followed every feline curve of her body as she shifted her weight onto her opposite foot.
Taking a step closer to Vanessa, the woman asked herself, “What do we have here?”
She mirrored the woman, taking a shaky step back as the sorceress’ dark aura pressed down on her. “Stay back,” the girl threatened, hand inching toward the sword at her side. Dismayingly, her voice sounded small even to her—far too much like a cornered wolf cub.
The sorceress laughed. “Oh I can do that, if you’d rather. I’m afraid, though, that’ll be much more…painful—” She smirked dangerously. “—Vanessa Satori.”
At that moment three dark-skinned men seemed to materialize at each of the other cardinal points around Vanessa, slowly hemming her in. The girl spun around wildly, eyes frantically searching for a way to escape.
“Just give up. You know it’s futile.”
Anger flared up inside her, and that long-suppressed, animal-like instinct that had initially driven her to adventure and battle roared. With a vicious battle cry Vanessa surged toward the soldier behind her, her blade darting from its scabbard at the same time. The startled man dropped back as her weapon sliced through where his arm had been seconds earlier. Before he could recover she was gone, sword in hand as she again pounded through the shadowed passages.
Vanessa ignored the cries of pain shooting up her legs as she forced them on, feeling as if in a dream as it seemed she was not running fast enough. Dozens of turns rushed by as she randomly picked a direction and followed it, simply seeking to put as much distance as possible between her and the sorceress. What seemed an eternity passed as the shouts and pounding footfalls followed, slowly drawing closer with each corner she made.
Then she reached yet another junction, and her legs refused to go any further. Vanessa stumbled back to a walk, veering despairingly toward the bare stone wall as the ominous hammering of footsteps drew ever nearer.
Her feet suddenly dropped out from under her as her hand touched the wall, nearly loosing her grip on her sword; she only retained it through virtue of the hours of training she’d received from Zirren. The girl instinctively tried to struggle as hands roughly snagged her tunic and pulled her toward the wall, but it was useless. She was captured, and the soldiers were far stronger than her.
But it wasn’t the dark guards with a hand over her mouth, an arm around her struggling form, and back pressed against the curved wall of one of many dark alcoves lining the wall.
“Be still,” a familiar voice hissed in her ear, his breath tantalizingly warm on her skin.
Vanessa shivered—heart seemingly frozen in her chest with recognition—but obeyed.
Ears straining, the twosome listened with bated breath as the three guard’s footfalls grew louder, drumming a frantic tempo into the stone floor. Tense minutes passed as the soldiers slowed to a halt at the intersection and held a hushed council before coming to an agreement on something. After a moment of indecision, they finally split off down each of the halls and disappeared.
A sense of immense relief ran through her at the narrow escape; her heart still pounded from the prolonged run, as well as the fear that had oozed through her veins like a poison. But when she closed her eyes, the calmer rhythm pulsing against the girl’s back slowly calmed her.
“Oh gods—that was too close,” Vanessa murmured, leaning gratefully against her rescuer.
An almost disbelieving chuckle sang in her ears, making her blood race again as if powered by adrenaline. “You know, I knew you were reckless—but I didn’t think you were this stupid.”
The girl scoffed indignantly and spun around to speak face-to-face with the other Hylian, but Link’s haggard expression killed the retort on her tongue. His arms fell away from around her as she studied him; a faint flicker of disappointment darted through her, but it was overwhelmed by dismay and compassion for her savior’s beaten state.
“Wha…” She reached up to touch an ugly red welt on his cheek.
The Hero looked away from her, eyes filled with pain. “It’s nothing—I’ve had worse,” he mumbled.
Pity and an aching longing to do something to heal Link’s wounds filled her. However, he brushed past her out of the alcove in which they had taken refuge before Vanessa could move. “Link…”
“We need to get moving.” He crossed his arms, not turning around to look at her. From the back, his appearance was even worse—his once-bright, forest-green tunic hung in shreds, the skin beneath laced with half-healed, partly-infected wounds that made Vanessa flinch just to see them.
Her thoughts were yanked away from the former prisoner in front of her when the gut-wrenching realization that Jen was still out wandering the halls—or worse—hit her.
With a curse she moved to dart past Link back the way she had come, but he caught her wrist before she could get far. Another amused smile danced across his features, blue eyes alight with spirit no wounds could damage. “Not that fast.”
“But Jen’s still out there!” Vanessa blurted, worry written in every inch of her countenance. She tried to pry her hand from his grasp, but it was firm as iron. “What if she needs help? We have to go now!”
Link frowned. “You dragged someone else into this fool-hardy plan of yours?”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t look at me—take it up with Teresa!” the girl snapped, finally managing to yank her hand from his. “But do it later. Like you said, we need to get out of here!”
He shook his head disbelievingly as they both took off down the hall. “Alright. But you’ve got a lot of explaining to do once we get out of here.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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So that's what I've got so far. If it isn't obvious, I started this chap a while back and stopped at where Teresa's giving suggestions for them to get away from the soldiers, but didn't get back to it until after a major style change. So anything after that is my new style. What d'you think? Personally, I'm really liking it.
Hey, something *kinda* random--if you're feeling curious and have some time, I just thought I'd mention that I have this story's sequel up on another site if you'd like to read it. It's over at least 75k words and on chap 21 currently. *shrug* I personally prefer it over this story, but Vanessa's story deserves telling, plus it gives a nice chance to give some background for that story. If you're curious, PM me. And if you want, maybe I'll put it up on here, too!
Alright, enough for one night--tell me what you think!
~Glad[/quote]
Alright, so it's not done yet. *notices the pouting looks* Yes, it's not finished; deal with it. But!--it's been forever since I've worked on this story, and since then my style has changed dramatically. Soooo...I figured I'd give you the first 'half' of the chap (still MUCH longer than chappies I've given you before, hehe
) so you can analyse my new style and tell me if you think I should go back and rewrite or just continue with how I'm moving this draft forward. Reason being, I feel the continuity's a little messed up, especially...well, I'll talk about that that the end. If I mention it now, it'll give away the big twist in this chappie, hehe. 
Mostly, I think, you really see a change (as mentioned before) in the continuity--character-wise, description-wise, and action-wise. As you can tell from the 'twist' I added (Link running into Vanessa), I added a lot more depth to their characters, especially in the relations department.
But enough chit-chat--onward with the rescue plan!
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Chapter 10: Prison-Break
Zirren leaned forward, folding his hands atop Mayor Penn’s maple-wood desk. “My best corporal is gone, Mayor, and so is Vanessa. Monsters are beginning to congregate near populated areas. What else can we do?”
The mayor imitated Zirren, nervously thumping his fists against the dark wood. He glanced out the window once, then sighed and looked sternly at Zirren. “You already know my opinion—it’s bloody foolish—but we seem to have no choice. Go on and get your men ready; I’ll go inform the Maku Tree. Meet me there for last-minute instructions.”
Outside, the general expelled a huge breath, crossed his arms, and began walking back toward the two barracks that housed Lynna’s small battalion of militiamen. As he walked, he ran through his proposed plan and racked his memory for the people he knew that were best suited to each task.
First he was going to make sure each man could ride, and well. Only a few came to mind that fit all the requirements he had come up with, but there were others that would suffice as well as have other uses later in the plan.
He soon found his first few recruits and gave them a quick briefing. After sending them off to gather their equipment, the general headed for the training yards to search out other worthy soldiers.
Zirren grinned when he saw exactly the people he was looking for all gathered beside the far ring. The second group of people he wanted on his mission was made up of those five who had initially accompanied Link on the first ill-fated expedition. Of the five, he knew the names of three—Felix, Lysander, and Kye—and they could tell him who of the dozen people standing around were the other two.
After that task had been sorted out, the only thing left was to round up a few extra men. Then he would meet with Mayor Penn and the Maku Tree before gathering his soldiers to begin the two-fold search-and-rescue mission.
********************
“I’m assuming you don’t have a plan,” Jennifer commented the next day as they lead their horses through the Forest of Time.
Vanessa threw a grin over her shoulder at the older woman. “Nope. Making it up as I go along.”
Jen frowned. “That’s dangerous. No soldier should ever go on a mission without some kind of a plan—even you should know that. Do you even know where Northern Castle is?” The other girl shook her head. The woman sighed and mumbled something Vanessa couldn’t make out. “It’s about thirty miles northwest of us on a hill beside North Gorge. No one that I know of aside from the Hero has dared venture near it for nigh on fifty years now—some claim it’s haunted by the remnants of Veran’s dark powers. Others have said the dragoon that was spotted recently lives there, drawing all manner of evil things to it through its unnatural existence.”
The girl forced herself to keep moving and not turn around to gape at the soldier. She was getting more information voluntarily out of Jen in five minutes than she had cadged from Zirren in over a week! ‘Why didn’t I try this in the first place?’ Vanessa thought. ‘Common soldiers’ tongues are a lot looser than a general’s, and even know more than generals in some instances. Or, at least, they guess a lot closer to the truth than some generals…’
“Then there was another rumor about it, too, a long time ago,” the soldier continued slowly after a short pause. “Supposedly there was a lord close to Queen Ambi who had this particular castle built for her. I don’t recall what his name was, but he was practically her right-hand man in the years of Veran’s possession of Nayru and that same sorceress’ manipulation of the past.”
Vanessa nodded without taking her eyes off the path ahead of her, carefully leading her horse through waist-high grass and the twisting roots of the trees overhead. ‘So some follower of Veran in the present day is trying to bring her—or some other evil—back?’
The girl was about to voice a question when the abrupt screeching of birds making quick departures from their perches interrupted her thoughts. Seril tensed and pranced a few steps sideways, ears pricked alertly and his hooves in readiness for flight. Vanessa intuitively stepped with the horse and patted his neck soothingly, scanning the trees to the left of the path for what had caused the disturbance.
Behind her, she heard Jen swinging into her mare’s saddle. “It’s not monsters, but it’s no one I know either,” the soldier reported in a lowered voice. “Mount up—we might need to run in a hurry.”
Vanessa had only just settled her feet in the stirrups when she heard hoof beats and the sound of horses snorting as the steady rhythm slowed to a walk. The girl motioned for Jen to follow her and carefully turned Seril into the trees on the opposite side of the path. Both horses stomped a foot nervously as the mounted company moved closer to their hiding spot.
Strange words from a foreign tongue drifted through the woods. A group of riders about twelve strong moved at a ground-eating walk along the forest path atop the largest, most broad-chested equines the girl had ever seen. All rode stirrup-to-stirrup in a roughly rectangle formation but every fifth man carried a different weapon: swordsmen guarded the rear; in the middle of the arrangement were the spearmen; and cavalrymen carrying long-handled axes made the vanguard.
The two things that caught Vanessa’s attention, though, were the language being spoken and the woman riding at their head. She recognized the language the men were speaking as what she had heard four nights before when she had been temporarily captured, but the woman she did not know.
Or did she?
A black-gloved fist was raised as the unknown woman motioned for a halt. Her black stallion tossed his head irritably as the vicious-looking bit in his mouth ordered him to stop, but the dozen or so horses behind him were more docile and did not protest the commands from their riders except to look around for signs danger. Vanessa unconsciously held her breath, wondering why they had stopped.
One of the soldiers moved forward at a slight motion from the woman. A few hushed words were exchanged, then the woman nodded and the soldier gestured three of the other riders forward. The rest of the company moved up into a diamond formation around the woman, and the four outside riders split into pairs before disappearing into the woods on either side of them.
“We should be getting out of here,” Jen muttered to Vanessa. Her mare stomped a foot impatiently, as if to agree with her rider. Vanessa nodded once slowly, biting her lip.
‘There’s something about that woman, though… Why does it feel like I should know her or something?’ The girl sighed. ‘Well, one thing’s for sure—she’s important, and obviously not on our side…’
“Vanessa!” the woman beside her hissed, her hand flying to her sword’s hilt. Jerking herself out of her unintended reverie, the young warrior shot a penetrating glance around them for signs of danger. Two of the four foreign soldiers that had split off from the main group she and Jen had spotted were moving through the trees toward them, weapons held in a relaxed ready position. They were too close for the pair to flee now without the scouts alerting their fellows, but if they tried to fight those same reinforcements would storm through the trees after them.
She quickly made up her mind. Pulling back hard on Seril’s reins, Vanessa whispered loudly to the soldier beside her, “Run!”
As soon as they turned their horses and Jen’s mare wuffed nervously, the enemy soldiers were on the alert. They kicked their horses through the tangled undergrowth after the two girls when Seril’s bright coat flashed in the afternoon sunlight. Calling to their companions with shouts and the same alien words as before, they gave chase.
Because riding through the virgin forest at high speeds was most definitely not an option, both girls veered their horses back onto the path—in between the mounted company and their original destination. Startled cries from the horsemen darted after them, soon joined by the riders themselves. Vanessa practically lay right on her horse’s heaving neck, trusting him to find a safe path away from the enemy. The sound of hoof beats filled her ears and vibrated through her body as the powerful stallion thundered on, quickly overtaking Jen’s lesser steed.
“Teresa! Help!” she called to the dragon as Seril soared over a tree in their path. For a moment after the pursued horses had regained their stride on the opposite side of the log, there were only two sets of pounding hooves against the forest floor. All too soon, though, the louder thunder of a dozen steeds drummed on. Their pursuers had crossed the obstacle, determined to catch their new prey.
“Go north,” Teresa advised. “Don’t follow path if you can help it. I do what I can to throw them off once you in woods.”
“It’s kinda difficult not to follow the path, Ter!” Vanessa retorted.
A moment that seemed an eternity passed while the dragon sought other options for her partner. Then she reported, “There small deer trail off to right another hundred yards. I distract them while you get away.”
Apprehension settled in the girl’s gut. “Ter, what are you—”
But the dragon had already swooped low overhead, in the opposite direction from the horses, and fallen to a jarring landing in the middle of the path. Vanessa heard their pursuers’ steeds whinny in fright and the men shouting in surprise, then anger. Her dragon roared ferociously amidst the clanging of weapons and a sudden inexplicable explosion.
“Ter, no!” she screamed, panicking. The dragon roared again—was it in pain?—as she tried to yank the stallion around toward the battle, but he was far too frightened to obey the bit.
“Vanessa, go!” Jen berated. “She’ll be fine!”
Reluctantly returning her attention to the path racing away beneath them, Vanessa spotted the barely-perceptible opening that lead onto the deer path her dragon had mentioned. She see-sawed on the reins, finally managing to slow the stallion’s careening gait enough where she could push him into the slightly less-dense forest. As the branches whipped by, the girl lowered her head to protect her face, barely hearing Jen’s mount following after them. The yells and yowls from the fight slowly faded as the tired, lathered steeds traversed deeper and deeper into the trees.
After a long interval, the running and the yelling ceased.
Vanessa remained bent over Seril’s neck, panting heavily. Her breath caught as the panting threatened to turn into sobs, fighting back tears. ‘Ter…’
“Hey, you alright?” Jen placed a concerned hand on the girl’s shoulder, watching her worriedly. The girl grit her teeth, berating herself mentally for being so emotional. “Your dragon will be fine; those soldiers are no match for something of her size and speed.”
“It’s not them I’m worried about,” the girl croaked—embarrassingly. She cleared her throat self-consciously. “It’s the woman. I—I think she’s a sorceress…”
Jen snorted. “Who cares? Against a dragon, what chance does even someone like her stand? Besides, you can check up on her anytime—don’t push yourself to drinks over it..”
Vanessa finally looked up, smiling thankfully at the soldier. “Yeah. It’s just…I’ve been taking care of her for a month now, and she—well…she means a lot to me.”
The soldier smiled. “Yeah, I can imagine.” She slapped her mare’s neck affectionately. “I’d feel the same about Nereen here; I trained her myself when they first gave us our horses. But enough chit-chat—we need to be moving on. See if you can’t get in contact with your dragon and figure out what’s going on.”
“Her name’s Teresa,” the girl corrected, but smiled anyway. “Ter…?”
“Soldiers gone,” the dragon replied in a sing-song mental voice. “They run back home like scared-y-cats. I show them.”
Laughing, Vanessa replied, “Good for you. Now, show me where they’re going—we’re going to follow ‘em.”
---
“So that’s Northern Castle…” Vanessa murmured, eyes wide at the impressive sight.
Towering granite walls surrounded a sprawling complex of wood and stone buildings that apparently served as barracks, dining halls, and armories. Siege weapons—ballistae, towers, trebuchets—lined the farthest northeast wall amidst curious-looking wreckage strewn between them. Throughout it all, figures morphed into dots by distance patrolled the crossroads and alleys. In the center, a lofty keep topped by a spiral, open-topped tower loomed darkly over the landscape.
Jen scanned the walls and open terrain in front of the extensive keep as Vanessa studied it. Nudging the girl out of her trance with a foot, she pointed to the near southwest wall. Almost a dozen small shapes—obviously horsemen—congregated around an unseen point along the wall; in another few minutes, they had all disappeared through it.
“A secret entrance?” Vanessa murmured.
The soldier pursed her lips. “More likely a postern gate. But it doesn’t make sense that it wouldn’t be more heavily-guarded…”
“Ter?”
“It’s a gate,” the dragon confirmed.
Vanessa frowned. ‘They obviously don’t expect much trouble so close to home…’ She snorted. ‘How arrogant.’
Her thoughts shifted to their objective as Jen began drawing out a diagram of the castle in the dirt beside her. It had been a month since the Hero had been captured; she wondered how he was holding up. From the fact that the dragoon had been out searching for her, obviously something had happened—but what?
She angrily shoved aside the possibility of his death. If he had been…killed, then darkness would have fallen much more quickly. The monster infestation would be five times worse than it was, and certainly there would have been some evidence of their enemy gloating over their victory. But there wasn’t…
Jen’s gruff voice snapped her out of her worried thoughts. “Alright, here’s what I’m thinking.” The corporal pointed to her rough map of what they could see of the castle. “The Hero’s most likely going to be held either in the tower or the dungeons—I’m thinking the tower, ‘cause he’s quite an important prisoner and they’ll probably want to keep an eye on him at all times. So we can either start from the bottom up—check the dungeons first, ‘cause that’s easiest—or go top to bottom.”
Jen’s gruff voice snapped her out of her worried thoughts. “Alright, here’s what I’m thinking.” The corporal pointed to her rough map of what they could see of the castle. “The Hero’s most likely going to be held either in the tower or the dungeons—I’m thinking the tower, ‘cause he’s quite an important prisoner and they’ll probably want to keep an eye on him at all times. So we can either start from the bottom up—check the dungeons first—or go top to bottom.”
“It’s probably easier to go from bottom to top than top to bottom,” Vanessa pointed out. “We’re more likely to be spotted the longer we take to do this, and going from midlevel to top and then all the way back if he’s not there ensures there’re more monsters to see us than if we go bottom to top. Also, I think they’re a little too confident.” She nodded toward the distant postern gate, putting a finger on its place on Jen’s map. “The gate isn’t guarded that well—what’s to say they won’t put Link where he’ll be most miserable, even if it’s not directly in the commander’s daily line of sight?”
The soldier nodded slowly, a finger to her chin thoughtfully. “You’ve got a point…I would say we could split up to make it a lot easier on us—and cut down on time spent searching—but I’ve never really liked that idea. What if we ran into trouble? It’s a lot easier to corner one person than two.”
Vanessa smiled. “So I guess we’re going with plan A—bottom to top, together.”
Jen nodded and returned the grin, eyes lit with expectant determination. “Let’s ride. Tell Teresa to watch our backs.”
The pair crawled a ways back from the crest of the hill they had been laying on before standing and turning to their mounts. As the riders swung into their saddles, the horses pawed the ground impatiently, sensing the Hylians’ eagerness. With excited snorts they darted off around the hill toward the forbidding castle in the near distance.
Neither woman spoke as they trotted their horses through the trees nearest the wall, then slowed to a walk as their destination drew within sight. They dismounted quietly and crept closer to the gate itself on foot, watching warily for signs of alert guards.
Vanessa tapped her comrade on the shoulder and pointed; two lazy Moblins haphazardly patrolled the ramparts. Nodding, Jen retrieved her strung bow from its tube on her back and knocked an arrow. In short order the two guards were slumped against nearby crenellations without a sound to warn the garrison beyond. With a final guarded glance at the open space between the trees and the wall, the pair dashed over the grass and into the shadowed entry.
Jen tested the gate; grinning triumphantly, she looked over her shoulder and mouthed, “The buggers left it unlocked.” Vanessa mimed laughter as her partner cautiously swung the iron inward. She quickly switched to a startled hiss as the metal gave a high-pitched squeak.
Leaving the gate how it was, they darted swiftly into the keep and made for the shade beside a small, shack-like building to their left, hearts pounding. As seconds passed and still no sound of anything moving to investigate came, the duo slipped through the shadows closer to the main black-stone keep at the far end of the courtyard. Snuffling monsters sprawled chaotically across the tramped-down dirt before dilapidated barracks, snoring or gambling away as the intruders snuck past. Occasionally a fight broke out somewhere where Vanessa couldn’t see; once she and Jen even had to drop to the ground in order to avoid a terrified Bokoblin fleeing a Lizalfos.
After that incident, they made sure to look twice before moving into the open.
At last, with much trial and significant loss of breath, they reached the dark granite walls of the inner keep. Unlike normal castles, however, this stronghold was not surrounded by an inner wall. The gaping entrance to its labyrinthine depths loomed eerily before them, in all ways appearing as unguarded as the smaller gate through which they had entered the fortress. Cautiously, they crept forward and were swallowed up into the gloom.
Vanessa opened her mouth to ask Jen which way they should go at the first fork in the gargoyle-lined hall but gasped instead when the distinct hiss of a Lizalfos sounded behind them.
“Run!” the corporal ordered. The girl heard a sword whip from its sheath as Jen pushed her toward the left corridor. Unable to ignore the panic slithering its way up her throat, the girl ran as she had been told.
Footsteps and scraping claws echoed down every corridor as she made random turns through the dim halls, terror lending speed to her flight. Imaginary creatures flitted toward her at the edges of her vision, but when she turned her head they disappeared. Still on she ran, certain some of the innumerable beasts were pursuing her.
After a time, when it became clear even through her fear-enwrapped mind that nothing would catch her—yet—Vanessa regained control of her limbs and slowed to a limping walk through the dark, thickly-tapestried corridors. With her thoughts clear once more, she realized she had no idea where she was.
‘I should try to find the dungeons, at least…’ She reached out for Teresa, but found that there was such a heavy aura of dark magic surrounding the castle that the dragon might as well have been a normal human, for all that the girl could contact her. With a sigh Vanessa halted in the center of a four-way intersection, helplessly staring off down each of the four identical passages. ‘How am I supposed to find that in this maze, though? Granted, going down is a good start—but I have to find some stairs first.’
Heaving another sigh, the girl turned to go down the right corridor.
“Oh—well hello there.”
Vanessa jumped with a tiny yelp of shock and stumbled back, just barely managing to catch her balance. Her eyes widened in horror as dread snaked a hand around her throat.
The sorceress from the woods stood directly in front of her, one hand on her hip and an amused smirk on her ruby lips. The dark hair spilling down over her shoulders and around her face shimmered with cruel light despite the equally-dark shadows around them, mirroring her abyssal eyes. A dress-like, midnight-blue tunic followed every feline curve of her body as she shifted her weight onto her opposite foot.
Taking a step closer to Vanessa, the woman asked herself, “What do we have here?”
She mirrored the woman, taking a shaky step back as the sorceress’ dark aura pressed down on her. “Stay back,” the girl threatened, hand inching toward the sword at her side. Dismayingly, her voice sounded small even to her—far too much like a cornered wolf cub.
The sorceress laughed. “Oh I can do that, if you’d rather. I’m afraid, though, that’ll be much more…painful—” She smirked dangerously. “—Vanessa Satori.”
At that moment three dark-skinned men seemed to materialize at each of the other cardinal points around Vanessa, slowly hemming her in. The girl spun around wildly, eyes frantically searching for a way to escape.
“Just give up. You know it’s futile.”
Anger flared up inside her, and that long-suppressed, animal-like instinct that had initially driven her to adventure and battle roared. With a vicious battle cry Vanessa surged toward the soldier behind her, her blade darting from its scabbard at the same time. The startled man dropped back as her weapon sliced through where his arm had been seconds earlier. Before he could recover she was gone, sword in hand as she again pounded through the shadowed passages.
Vanessa ignored the cries of pain shooting up her legs as she forced them on, feeling as if in a dream as it seemed she was not running fast enough. Dozens of turns rushed by as she randomly picked a direction and followed it, simply seeking to put as much distance as possible between her and the sorceress. What seemed an eternity passed as the shouts and pounding footfalls followed, slowly drawing closer with each corner she made.
Then she reached yet another junction, and her legs refused to go any further. Vanessa stumbled back to a walk, veering despairingly toward the bare stone wall as the ominous hammering of footsteps drew ever nearer.
Her feet suddenly dropped out from under her as her hand touched the wall, nearly loosing her grip on her sword; she only retained it through virtue of the hours of training she’d received from Zirren. The girl instinctively tried to struggle as hands roughly snagged her tunic and pulled her toward the wall, but it was useless. She was captured, and the soldiers were far stronger than her.
But it wasn’t the dark guards with a hand over her mouth, an arm around her struggling form, and back pressed against the curved wall of one of many dark alcoves lining the wall.
“Be still,” a familiar voice hissed in her ear, his breath tantalizingly warm on her skin.
Vanessa shivered—heart seemingly frozen in her chest with recognition—but obeyed.
Ears straining, the twosome listened with bated breath as the three guard’s footfalls grew louder, drumming a frantic tempo into the stone floor. Tense minutes passed as the soldiers slowed to a halt at the intersection and held a hushed council before coming to an agreement on something. After a moment of indecision, they finally split off down each of the halls and disappeared.
A sense of immense relief ran through her at the narrow escape; her heart still pounded from the prolonged run, as well as the fear that had oozed through her veins like a poison. But when she closed her eyes, the calmer rhythm pulsing against the girl’s back slowly calmed her.
“Oh gods—that was too close,” Vanessa murmured, leaning gratefully against her rescuer.
An almost disbelieving chuckle sang in her ears, making her blood race again as if powered by adrenaline. “You know, I knew you were reckless—but I didn’t think you were this stupid.”
The girl scoffed indignantly and spun around to speak face-to-face with the other Hylian, but Link’s haggard expression killed the retort on her tongue. His arms fell away from around her as she studied him; a faint flicker of disappointment darted through her, but it was overwhelmed by dismay and compassion for her savior’s beaten state.
“Wha…” She reached up to touch an ugly red welt on his cheek.
The Hero looked away from her, eyes filled with pain. “It’s nothing—I’ve had worse,” he mumbled.
Pity and an aching longing to do something to heal Link’s wounds filled her. However, he brushed past her out of the alcove in which they had taken refuge before Vanessa could move. “Link…”
“We need to get moving.” He crossed his arms, not turning around to look at her. From the back, his appearance was even worse—his once-bright, forest-green tunic hung in shreds, the skin beneath laced with half-healed, partly-infected wounds that made Vanessa flinch just to see them.
Her thoughts were yanked away from the former prisoner in front of her when the gut-wrenching realization that Jen was still out wandering the halls—or worse—hit her.
With a curse she moved to dart past Link back the way she had come, but he caught her wrist before she could get far. Another amused smile danced across his features, blue eyes alight with spirit no wounds could damage. “Not that fast.”
“But Jen’s still out there!” Vanessa blurted, worry written in every inch of her countenance. She tried to pry her hand from his grasp, but it was firm as iron. “What if she needs help? We have to go now!”
Link frowned. “You dragged someone else into this fool-hardy plan of yours?”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t look at me—take it up with Teresa!” the girl snapped, finally managing to yank her hand from his. “But do it later. Like you said, we need to get out of here!”
He shook his head disbelievingly as they both took off down the hall. “Alright. But you’ve got a lot of explaining to do once we get out of here.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
***************************
So that's what I've got so far. If it isn't obvious, I started this chap a while back and stopped at where Teresa's giving suggestions for them to get away from the soldiers, but didn't get back to it until after a major style change. So anything after that is my new style. What d'you think? Personally, I'm really liking it.
Hey, something *kinda* random--if you're feeling curious and have some time, I just thought I'd mention that I have this story's sequel up on another site if you'd like to read it. It's over at least 75k words and on chap 21 currently. *shrug* I personally prefer it over this story, but Vanessa's story deserves telling, plus it gives a nice chance to give some background for that story. If you're curious, PM me. And if you want, maybe I'll put it up on here, too!
Alright, enough for one night--tell me what you think!
~Glad
omg this is almost defeintly the best zelda fanfiction i have read!
I cant even find any flaws expect the bit with the dragon's and dragoons, but as you say that is a confunsing bit!
Ha ha. Thanks Climber. I know the dragoon thing's a little confusing, but this is pretty much the only story you'll have to bear with me in that there're both dragons and dragoons in the same area at the same time. >.> I'll try to refrain from using them in the same sentence when I get to the fight sequences, though--so point taken.
To answer your question--I've kinda had a major writer's block for this story the likes of which I haven't seen in quite a while. It's kind of a curse on me that I'll write a whole bunch of one story for a while, then write bits of two, then not write at all for a while, then go back to a little of both, then get a brain blast on another... *sigh*
So, I'm debating whether or not to officially label this as on hiatus for a while...at least until I get over my insane urge to keep writing in the sequel to this story over this actual one. If you want, I can post what I have of the next chap...though it's not much. ^^;
It gets a little confusing with the Dragoon AND the Dragon. I can't seem to keep track of them. Let's just say, Dragoon and Dragon don't belong in the same sentence. Other than that, it's a really awesome story. Why don't you get a move on and post Chapter nine and ten? I'm bored and not getting any more reviews because nobody will post more of their story.
*huggles back!* (Lovely to talk to you too)
I think that letting the characters grow throughout the story is a great idea. But you need to prepare us for that a little bit. There are small things, like having a "she was always like that" or "He move his hand toward his belt, an unconscious habit" They help the reader to be like "oooooh, information!" without being intrusive to the storyline.
You can always have people overhearing conversations or characters merely watching others to get a good idea of little habits and ways about them. I think the longer the characters are together the more we know about how they are with people; for instance we know that Vanessa is competitive and a bit stubborn, but cares. The events you have are important in showing us how people are. We don't need to have "she was a hard-headed girl" or anything, show us through the events.
You're actually doing rather well with the characterization. Especially of Vanessa, of course, as we know her better.
Side note: I just remembered in your last chapter you have the guard following Vanessa. She does this with little thinking, are we going to learn more about why she did later? It's really odd for a soldier to just up and follow someone she should be taking back to hospital or whatever.
In any case! Pm me if you have more questions that I could possibly help you with. ^^
Luck!
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Penggy! *pouncehuggle* Thanks so much. I've been wondering a lot about the plot (ha ha--that rhymes) so I appreciate this review--especially since I know how hard you've been working lately! >.> *guilty look*
There are a few things I should probably clarify. I don't deny some of the spelling errors, mistakes, long sentences, etc. However, I would like to address the characterization thing. See, on this particular story, my fingers ignored me and went on typing--even though I have a plot outline written up that is somewhat different from what you see in this current draft. When I finish this, I hope to be able to upload the whole story into an attachment so people can look through my changes and edits at will.
For example, Vanessa will not go off on her own once I edit that chapter. As I want it to go, the whole group will come upon the dragoon together--or at least Link and Vanessa will. But I can't tell you that, or I'll spoil the new part for you.
On another note--is there anything you can suggest for fixing up character background info? I was kinda hoping on bringing more of the character out as I go along...I don't know if that'll be enough, though. I'd really like some advice on that, because since that seems to be a major issue in my style, if I need to fix that I'd like to know.
Thanks so much Penggy, and I hope I've cleared up some characterization confusion! ^^; *huggles*
Glad! Hi!
I’m so sorry this has taken me so long to get to! What I’m going to do is a general plot/storyline whether I liked it or not thing. I’m not used to critiquing fan-fiction, so sorry I’m a little odd about it. This should be based on all nine chapters. Here we go. *crosses fingers*
Prologue:
Eeeeeh. It’s not terribly engaging. It is a little. I’m interested in what’s going to happen and so forth, but I think you could have described the surroundings a little bit more. You’ve also got a little flow issue, for example:
“His student took a sudden step back, as if hesitant to leave her master; the man’s words dropped to a mutter and faded away before she had to decide. Her master stepped back with a satisfied smirk. “
- Just say “he stepped back” it’s so much easier on the mind.
You’ve got a few bits like this – I know that one seems a little pointless, but it’s just one example of the rest. I’m a bit iffy about the prologue in general, I can’t decide if I’m going to like this.
Chapter One:
You have a major info dump in the fourth paragraph, it’s really obvious. xD
“He stepped out of the woods and into the charred clearing that was merely a husk of the beautiful glen Link remembered. Small fires burned in remote patches of grass. He jumped as a charred, blackened branch fell from its tree with a splintering crack. “ < Repetition of “charred” Also... wordy. Unnecessarily so.
“guardedly” < ew that’s a gross word. Like... it’s just ugly. xD Also... are we sure it’s really a word? I’d suggest re-arranging any sentence that uses it.
Chapter Two:
““And I thought we would done with all this fighting after Veran.””
.... what? xD
Chapter Four:
“The Hero had just fallen into enemy hands for the first time in any world’s history.
And it was all her fault.
If she hadn’t run off to find the strange creature by herself, if she had asked Link for permission and taken a soldier with her, none of it would have happened. If she hadn’t let the creature hear her, she could have reported back that there was a dragon in the vicinity without- this.”
So quick! We didn’t get any of this before. Where’s the mystery?! Where’s the understanding. There was no warning she was ever going to try something so stupid. You need to lead up to this. We need to know more about her.
“He noticed her eyes were red-rimmed, probably from crying, though he couldn’t imagine why that would be.”
Um, because the hero of the land has been stolen and might be dead?
Chapter Six:
“Vanessa had gotten Link into imprisonment” < Very awkward.
“Incredulity ran through their minds, stemming from the dragon. Vanessa smiled then realized something with lighting celerity.” < Lightning clarity?
Chapter Seven:
“The man was casually polishing his blade, sitting cross-legged on the brown winter grass as they discussed basic tactics. To Vanessa, it a welcome respite from the past three days of intense instruction in intermediate swordplay. “
< “It was a welcome..”
“That opening generally appears as opened wings or an outstretched necked”
< “neck”
Chapter Eight:
“Vaden laughed with evil glee as the dragon enthusiastically leapt from the tower’s single cave-like room and soared southwestward toward the City. “
< Evil glee... really?... really? That’s terrible, dear. xD You can do much better than “evil glee”.
Chapter Nine:
“In the three days since the girl had, she’d redoubled her vigilance while on guard duty.”
< The girl had what?
Okay. So, this kind of turned out to be a random notice type crit. xD The above things are those little issues I saw and remembered to comment on. There are other things but if you read through your chapters carefully you should see them.
I think you have a small issue with info dumping. It’s never too much, but just a little more than you really need. It also moves a little slowly – this may just be because I have little interest in Zelda at all and am slightly biased, but it’s something to check on – at the start and working towards the middle.
The characters are a bit odd you have people doing things with little background preparation and it affects how much understanding I have of the text. You’ve also got a bit of dodgy description going on. In the first chapters it’s a little awkward, especially the prologue. The rest of the chapters are pretty good. ^^
All in all, this wasn’t terrible. It needs a bit of a look, but I think it’s quite good. ^^ Much luck with the rest.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Whee!! This one's another long one, but I don't think it's as long as the last one.
Now we get into the action I wewrey wewry wanna wight! 
Bon apetite! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 9: Escape to Rescue
The darkness flickered. Moments before it had seemed absolute—now it was disturbed by something. The unease it felt angered the darkness; it roiled angrily, seeking to extinguish the source of the flicker that had disrupted its reign.
But the more it lashed out, the more the darkness flickered. More cracks of light shone through the blackness, and finally bright white light shattered the oppressive reign of shadow.
Voices crashed down on her all at once, though they were only of a level that could compete with the babbling of a tiny brook. Candlelight stopped at her eyelids, turning her vision a deep shade of red. She was lying on something soft, her head pillowed comfortably on similar material. The bandage on her arm had been changed sometime earlier.
Vanessa sat up quickly, then moaned and thought better of it when her head reeled with the movement.
“Ah, you’re awake,” she heard someone say. A gentle but firm and authoritative hand pushed the girl back against the mattress on which she lay.
“Wha’ ‘appened?” the girl asked groggily, blinking furiously to wake herself up.
The woman shook her head. “We don’t know. A group of soldiers were just going out on the first patrol when they found you unconscious on Seril.”
She put her hands over her face wearily, recalling the disastrous ride through the woods. ‘The dragoon was looking for me…of course it would be monitoring my movements as soon as he found out where I was,’ she figured. Vanessa felt completely stupid now; riding alone through the woods with sunset pending was a fool-hardy proposition at best—and that was while ignoring the fact she was wanted by evil for helping the Hero of Time. ‘But no—I had to go dashing into the forest all by myself and get caught. If it wasn’t for Teresa, I wouldn’t be anywhere near here right now.
‘Speaking of which…where is here?’ The girl voiced her question to the woman still standing beside her bed, though it came out more as a jumbled murmur than anything. Her head was aching violently; when she reached a hand to the hair on the back of her head, she felt a heavy lump. A sticky, congealed substance—probably blood—covered it.
“You’re in the infirmary, dear,” the woman—whom she now recognized to be her mother—informed her. “The healers got you patched up as best they could.”
“Then why is this lump on my head not bandaged?” Vanessa asked, finally managing to draw in enough breath to speak above a whisper.
Her mother shifted uncomfortably, twisting her apron as if wringing it out like a drenched towel. “You wouldn’t let them, to put it simply.”
Vanessa scowled, but before she could retort one of the healers bustled over. He and her mother exchanged a few words before the woman stepped to the side.
“Hullo—nice to see you something more than semiconscious,” he greeted, appearing somewhat edgy. A small, nervous smile twitched his lip, which Vanessa noticed had recently been split by an attack of some sort. “Please promise you’ll hold still this time? We absolutely must get that head bandaged.”
It took all of five minutes for Vanessa’s mother to shoo the visitors and others milling around out the door and for the healer to wrap a bandage and poultice-slathered cloth securely around her head wound. As soon as the man had left, the girl sighed irritably, put her elbows on drawn-up knees, and supported her chin with cupped palms. When her mother remained in the room but didn’t say anything, she frowned more deeply and said, “Let me guess—the healers don’t want me doing anything too demanding, right?”
The woman’s mouth twitched in a tiny smile. “I think they’re a little worried about that lump, is all.”
Vanessa snorted. “It’s not that bad.”
“Either way, you’ll be spending a lot of time in here,” her mother said.
“Being bored out of my mind, of course,” the girl grumbled.
Her mother’s smile widened subtly. “Then you won’t mind watching Soran for me, will you? If you need material to keep him occupied, just ask.” Before Vanessa could even try to form an objection—all she needed was a little kid traipsing around when she had things to do!—the woman had stepped through the infirmary door and the lock clicked shut.
The girl moaned again and hung her head, running her hands through her tangled hair. She sighed and flopped back against the cushions behind her back, staring at the dark ceiling as she contemplated her toddler brother. ‘My throat’s going to be sore halfway through tomorrow with storytelling if he doesn’t bring a ball or something with him,’ she lamented.
Her eyes widened when a thought struck her as suddenly as lightning.
One of her earlier conclusions after finding Teresa had been that she needed to learn more about her enemy. Few reasons, if any, for the sudden activity had turned up in her questing through the dusty parchment at the Town Hall. Even fewer had presented themselves in her questioning of various officials.
If she was to find anything that would remotely explain the sudden stirrings of evil, she should go to the source of its agitation:
The Hero of Time.
Where was the best place to get information on him—other than from himself?
The legends talking about the Hero, of course.
Vanessa smiled a feral grin.
Her mother had presented the perfect opportunity for her to learn more about her enemy. How delightful.
*******************
Two days later, Vanessa began to move her plan forward. When the girl’s mother came back to the infirmary that evening to take her toddler brother home, Vanessa requested that her mother tell them both a story about the Hero of Time. The girl was greatly rewarded by the information she gleaned, and the woman didn’t appear the least bit suspicious.
Apparently, according to the legend which she told the children tonight, the Hero of Time had been given his particular title with the nature of his travels in mind. Ever since the power-hungry Gerudo named Ganondorf had attacked Hyrule centuries ago, Link had begun bouncing through time to battle him. His and his enemy’s battles recurred every generation with a darkness that sought to strangulate Hyrule’s common populace so they could not fight back. A ray of hope in the form of the boy’s continual resistance to any and all defeat at the hands of evil always shone through the darkness, though.
“I suppose one good thing has come of this predicament—because of the constant threat of invasion, Hyrule is more united than any known country. Its people have also become very proficient with weaponry of all sorts,” her mother commented when she had finished the tale. Soran had fallen asleep in her lap; the woman now spoke freely with her daughter, sure that the two wouldn’t be disturbed by unintelligible questions.
Vanessa’s lip twitched with a tiny smile. “If what I’ve seen of the Hero’s swordplay is any indication, you’re right on that matter.”
The woman eyed her with a stern look. “Vanessa, I know what you’re thinking, and I can’t let you do it.”
“What?” The girl blinked, confused by the sudden change of topic.
“My grandmother once did the same thing, dear, when she was young,” her mother explained. “It only makes sense that you feel the same way she did, since you share her blood.”
“What are you talking about?” Vanessa protested, still puzzled. What did her grandmother and Vanessa’s current thoughts have anything to do with the story she had just been told?
Then, suddenly, she remembered a story the woman had told her once when she was little. She had said that Vanessa’s great-grandmother—full of guilt for not being more supportive of her fiancé—had rescued her husband-to-be from certain death in the work camps that had slaved over Ambi’s Tower. That had been in the same age as when the sorceress Veran and then Link had traveled to in their less-recent battle for control of Labrynna, ironically.
Vanessa snorted, feigning offense. “You seriously think that I’d go by myself to Northern Castle and try to free Link, with the dragoon after me and all the monster activity?” She gestured to the bandages on her head. “And with this lump on my skull? I’m not that stupid, Mother, nor have my recent falls addled my wits.”
The woman’s gaze bored into her daughter’s defiant brown eyes, eventually making the girl uneasy. “Just please be careful. Don’t do anything out of your league, especially before you’re fully healed. Be easy and play it safe.” She stood, carefully shifting the sleeping Soran in her arms, and bent down to place a kiss on the girl’s forehead. “Now get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
After the door had closed and her mother’s footsteps receded into nothing, Vanessa swung her legs out from under the sheets and lightly trotted over to the window at the end of the eerily empty rows of cots. Beyond the aperture, the faint light of a waning gibbous moon spilled lazily over the west end of Rolling Ridge’s foothills, highlighting the rhythmic rise and fall of trees and rocks in a milky pallor. Though the view would have been soothing to the girl on any other night, she scowled furiously as she realized that she couldn’t see the eastern end of the mountains where Northern Castle was supposed to be.
Vanessa closed her eyes and relaxed her body, reaching out with her mind for Teresa. She flew past the village, through the northern portion of Lynna Forest—the dragon’s favorite haunt—and circled back around to the northwest edge of town before finally spotting a large, dimly reptilian shape pacing through the woods in a southerly direction. With a tiny smile, she reached out and tapped lightly on the dragon’s mind.
“Ter? What are you doing?” the girl asked, a little perplexed about why she would be all the way out there at this time of night.
The dragon stopped beside an enormous oak to speak with her better. Vanessa caught an impression of herself, Seril, supplies, rations, and a scene of all of it put together and moving northeast in the dragon’s mind, but waited for Teresa to grasp the words needed to clarify the images before she asked questions.
“You say need to save person held in castle. Believe now is right to go. I find Seril and told him to wait in woods when you tell us we leaving. Now I hunt for us so we to eat when move,” she explained in a somewhat jerky manner.
Vanessa grinned at the dragon’s jumbled-up words and tenses of her verbs, feeling her mood lighten. The girl practically purred her satisfaction with and gratitude for the dragon's action before answering, “Not tonight, precious. Wait one more day.” She grinned. “And fix your grammar, please—we’ll work on that before we leave.”
*****************
Corporal Jennifer Farynson felt herself beginning to droop at her post wearily; the woman angrily pinched herself to stay awake. The pain did little to actually wake her up—she’d need a good mug of ale to do that—but it was better than nothing.
“Oie, i’s gonna b’a long un tonig’, Jen,” her fellow guardsman Tanen grumbled, leaning on his spear. “Reckon I’ll b’sleepin’ th’ ‘ole day t‘morrow.” The older man attempted a chuckle, but it morphed into a yawn.
Jen tuned him out as he muttered something about being too old for a job like theirs and focused her attention back on scanning the landscape around them. The pair were stationed high in a tree on the fourth wood-plank platform in a series of similarly-occupied stands running around the whole village. They had only been installed a little over two months ago now, but were weathering nicely and didn’t creak as the woman shifted her cramped weight onto her other foot.
It was a good thing these platforms had been built when they had—if it hadn’t been for the soldiers stationed in them, that girl would never had been found. The more Jen thought about it, the more she was sure it was also a miracle that the teen had stayed on her horse. When the soldiers on watch that night had brought her to the healers to be examined, they had found the nastiest of blood-caked cuts just beginning to swell up on the back of her head. They also discovered an arrow puncture beneath the bandages on the girl’s shoulder.
Jen could only shake her head with wonder that the girl had survived the encounter with whatever had attacked her—then remember that the only thing likely to attack a Hylian in these parts was a monster. In the three days since the girl had, she’d redoubled her vigilance while on guard duty.
The woman was jerked out of her thoughts when a tiny motion in the corner of her eye caught her attention. Her head instantly swiveled in that direction like a predator that had spotted prey and her fingers twitched around the grip of her bow. She stared at the spot fixedly, watching for another sign of life, and was quickly rewarded. Something white flashed through the tiniest opening in the foliage and snorted once.
Tanen eyed her questioningly. Jen nodded curtly, held up a finger, and pointed from herself to the ground to where she had seen the creature. The man nodded; they traded weapons before the woman slid down a polished wood poll and dropped lightly to the ground. She stepped carefully through the high grass of the forest meadow at the edge of which their platform’s tree stood and scanned the tree-line for potential threats. When none appeared, the woman stepped quietly through the trees and into a tiny glen ten paces farther into the forest.
Jen stopped abruptly, perplexed, when she came face-to-face with a white horse. It snorted, shook its mane out, and returned to grazing without another thought for her. The soldier noted it was tacked but wore a rope hackamore instead of the leather bridle favored by Lynna’s cavalry. She tried to place the horse but came up empty-handed—the only white horse she could remember seeing was the General’s. If she remembered correctly, though, he had given away the stallion.
Then, all of a sudden, she recalled to whom Zirren had given that horse.
She cursed and whirled around, prepared to stalk back into the clearing and raise a ruckus, but was stopped short by a person standing in her way.
Vanessa resisted the urge to smile. The woman-soldier’s expression was caught between a scowl and a look of surprise—it was vaguely amusing.
“What are you doing out of the infirmary?!” the soldier hissed accusingly.
Her inclination to smile disappeared. “There’s things I have to do that no wound—and certainly no militia-woman—can stop me from finishing. I would greatly appreciate it if you’d let me go now, since you’ve been so kind as to lead me to my horse.”
A muscle in the soldier’s face twitched, though whether with amusement or anger she couldn’t tell. “I really should call the rest of the guardsmen down on you,” she commented evenly.
“And you would be right in doing that,” Vanessa agreed. This seemed to take the woman off-guard, for she didn’t have another witty comeback ready. The girl took advantage of her opening and continued, “Or you could be the loyal soldier hailed as the one to turn the tables in favor of good over evil. You see, I’m going to find the Hero and bring him back.”
This news shook the woman even more badly then Vanessa’s lack of resistance to her presence. “You what?” she exclaimed hoarsely.
Vanessa grinned. “I’m going to stick my hand in a wasp’s nest and steal honey without getting a single sting. If you want, you can come with me—I’d greatly appreciate the help, seeing as it’ll be rather difficult for a girl and an inexperienced dragon to sneak into Northern Castle alone.”
The woman spluttered. “A-a-a—a dragon? Don’t tell me you’ve been in league with that—that evil thing the whole time?!”
She hid a flinch—she had been afraid, ever since Teresa convinced her to ask the soldier for help, that this would happen. Someone fool had undoubtedly mislabeled the dragoon as a lesser dragon, and now the whole town had caught on the idea. The girl sighed.
“No, you’re thinking of the dragoon that—” Vanessa bit her lip before she spoke about the ill-fated mission of the past. “The dragoon is roosting in Northern Castle at the behest of evil. This is where I think the Hero is now, and my dragon and I are going to go rescue him.”
“How’d you get a dragon, then, if it not this…dragoon?” the soldier questioned skeptically.
Vanessa had been delayed long enough; in the back of her mind, Teresa was urging her to get going. Images of what the dragon was seeing flitted around the edge of her awareness—the soldiers that were supposed to replace the current sentries were stirring, and one of them was bound to check in on the infirmary. “Are you coming or are you not?” the girl snapped, sidestepping the frozen soldier to snatch Seril’s head up from the lush grass of the glen.
The woman answered as Vanessa was about to throw her leg over the horse’s back: “I don’t have a horse. How am I supposed to keep up?”
It was the girl’s turn to freeze. That was definitely a dilemma; she didn’t have time to go back for another horse, even if the soldier owned one herself and it was in the stables.
Finally, she had an idea.
“Go back to your post, and after you ‘turn in’ for the night, grab a horse from the public stable and meet me on the other side of the hill in that direction.” The girl pointed. “You can’t miss it, and even if you do I can find you pretty easily.” Vanessa didn’t wait for the soldier to answer or protest, instead swinging into the saddle and turning Seril into an enlarged deer trail.
The doubts began assaulting Vanessa after she had left the thick trees for another little meadow. Would the soldier actually meet her alone? Or would she be raising the alarm right now and mounting a cavalry expedition to retrieve her? The militia themselves probably wouldn’t bother with a renegade citizen on their own, but Vanessa knew the persuasive powers of her mother’s tongue. She could easily convince the mayor to order the soldiers after her daughter and have her put in protective custody.
She touched Teresa’s mind briefly for an update—luckily, she could have her fears confirmed or nullified in advance, before any disciplinary action would be taken. “Ter? Report?”
The dragon was smug. “Sentries have changed.” There was a moment of silence, then, “She is leaving the barracks for the stable. She look around for anyone who she not want seeing her.”
Vanessa nodded and mentally acknowledged the information. “Good. Tell me when she leaves—if anyone tries to stop her, do the best you can to get them away.” The girl hastily clarified the order when she felt the dragon grinning viciously. “Subtlety, Ter—be quiet about it!”
It seemed forever, waiting at the edges of the trees where light and shadow converged. The moon blinked down sleepily at her as dark grey clouds scuttled across the even-darker sky. A tiny breeze ruffled the quiet trees around her; an owl hooted quietly in the distance.
A snapped twig startled Vanessa from where she was sitting against a tree, Seril’s reins in the crook of her arm. The horse’s head jerked from where he was grazing to look behind him, ears pricked alertly.
The soldier stepped from the trees, a chestnut mare’s reins in her hand. “Th’ name’s Jen,” she said simply.
Vanessa smiled.
She had found someone willing to help her in her adventures at last.
I didn't find any thing that needs changes. It's a good story and I could somewhat understand what was goin' on even though I didn't read the previous chapters. Keep up the good work and if you need anymore reviews I will happily trade you for some snacks.
Boon the Werewolf
Thank you, Jabbies!
I have a reason for this. I know you don't have to use single quotes around thoughts, but I prefer to because it lets me show the distinction between private thoughts and telepathic speech, especially when a conversation just ended or is in progress. I guess either way [with/out quotes] would work, but I prefer this way. *shrug*
Doh! *head/palm* Silly me. ^^;
Thankies Jabby! *hug* I'm working feverishly on the second half of this chap, so I'll add it into the other post when I'm done. However, I can't guarantee when that will be because I won't have access to internet while I'm traveling (which should be in a few minutes...or a half hour, depending on somewhat-uncontrollable circumstances T T). Either way, hopefully we'll see this moving along a little faster in the next few days. ^_^
Glad! It's been forever since I've read this. Hopefully what I comment on makes sense, and if it doesn't, shame on me.
And because of that long crit you gave me, I'm going to be over-picky too just for you! 
Grammar and First Impressions
That is such a weird word. Smoothly works just fine or any other word. Silkily is just not easy to read.
Was it not completely silent a moment ago? This was kind of annoying repetition right here, lol. It's as if you're dragging the reader by the leash. "It's freaking silent, reader!" Try to say something else to describe the silence. Maybe someone shifted uneasily or a rat skittered across the floor. I dunno, lol, but I didn't like this so close to that paragraph before it starting with silent.
I don't remember if you do the single quotes around thoughts or not, so forgive me.
Again, that's kind of a weird word as if there was lack of a better word. I think maliciously or malevolently or some other synonym would work better.
Should that be lead or led? I, myself, am out of my critting practice, so I may be getting only too nit-picky; but my brain wanted to say led.
That is a long noun. XD Is there any way to shorten this? It's grammatically correct, I just had to read it twice [more carefully the second time 'round] to find the verb.
That dash can easily be a comma. It was too long of a pause for what you're going for here. ^^
You refer to the dragon as it almost too many times. Anything can be it. At least give it a gender if you're going to use pronouns for him. Otherwise, I deleted this because it's not needed anyway. Who else would she present it to?
This is one of those comma rules that I'm too lazy to explain. xD
Eh, I'll do it anyway. And is a conjunction, but it only gets a comma in certain circumstances. If there is a subject and a verb on both sides of the conjunction, then it gets a comma. An independent clause must be on both sides of the conjunction to have a comma.
Make this its own paragraph.
You said purple hide 'bout two sentences ago.
That is a lot of adjectives. Is there no other way to describe his appearance? Maybe in multiple sentences?
Again, that weird word.
Brunette: Females with brown hair
Brunet: Males with brown hair.
They say it as if this is the dragon's purpose. Do they know the dragon's purpose?
That just seemed out of place, even for fantasy dialogue.
Overall
Amazing, as usual.
I'm a little unsure about the soldiers. They seemed kind of robotic, but maybe soldiers are supposed to be like that? They had no feeling. They just seemed to be there to deliver the message, and the message they delivered seemed to be read from a newspaper clipping. I'm a little unsure about those two.
There were no other issues that stood out to me, though. Amazing job!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Oh. My. Gosh. I haven't been on here in, like...forever. X_X
ANYway--I have some good news. Chapter 8 is coming along again (kinda--I'm working on it right now) but I'm not sure when it'll be finished. I'd like your guys' opinion on if I should post what I have or wait 'til I'm done.
EDIT: I've decided. I've got a good place to cut off this post, but it's not finished. This is only the first half, maybe 2/3rds of it. The action really gets rolling again from here on out, or at least, it should in the next chapter.
So, here we are! Chapter 8: Dragonsearch!
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Chapter 8: Dragonsearch
“You say he had assistance?” her master questioned silkily.
“Yes, my lord. From what I could glean, she was merely a girl, one living among the Labrynnians at that. The dragoon confirms this.” Vaden scowled. “Unfortunately, I could not learn anything more about her, other than her name and a vague description. But I do know that he somehow—somehow, by the Dark One!—concealed a particularly tasty morsel about her history before I could get to it.”
The dark sorcerer was silent a moment. Vaden caught brief snatches of his emotions at this new bit of information and was angered by them. Mere intrigue at what this meant? It should be an outrage to him that their enemy had managed yet again to outsmart them and hinder their plans!
“What is her name?” her master asked quietly.
“Vanessa. Vanessa Satori.”
Complete silence. For a moment there was no indication how her master was taking it, though Vaden expected from experience that it was only the calm before the storm. To her great surprise, however, he withdrew from her mind without a word.
‘What was that about?’ she wondered, opening her eyes to look westward across Rolling Ridge.
The woman was frustrated by the Hero’s inexplicable success at hiding information from her, as well as her inability to understand her master’s most recent reactions to the new tidbits of information—she considered herself the best person she knew at reading emotions. In her aggravation, she slammed an open palm against the stone sill of the tower’s window and glared hatefully at the brightly cheerful rising sun.
Vaden sat there for the next hour, as still and black as the stone around her, sorting her thoughts while the white orb rose higher into the sky. Finally, just before noon, she stirred and purposefully strode from the room, trotting quickly down the interminably spiraling stairs that lead from her room to the top floor of the main keep.
The general hubbub of lower-level castle life helped to calm her riled spirit somewhat as she moved through the corridors toward the southwestern tower. Seeing the many loathsome monsters her master kept as ready pawns cower before her without her having to do more than round a corner gave her a grim, powerful satisfaction in her dominance of the keep. Even the dark men that were a mere two or three steps up the chain of command quaked at her withering glances—possibly more afraid of her than the average monster. More than even the dreaded, forbidden name of her master, her constant presence controlled this keep and kept it ready for battle at a moment’s notice.
It made her feel good to know her power was manifest in other beings in such ways.
There was one creature who would never come completely under her thumb, though, simply by virtue of the fact that she had not summoned it. Vaden frowned as she finally reached the base of the tower which was her destination. It irked her that the dragoon knew this problem—if it knew not the full details, then it at least sensed that single hole in her power. That was bad enough as it was without having her failures known to this particular underling while she was busy worrying about every other dilemma Light’s resistance to Darkness was causing.
With a sigh, she resigned herself to playing second fiddle and reached out to touch the sleeping dragoon’s mind, smirking. ‘Isn’t it just like that oaf to be sleeping right when I need it?’
She gave the mental equivalent of an impatient cough when the dragon didn’t stir at her mind's touch. “Arise, dragon—there is need of you,” she intoned blandly.
“What is it this time? Another Hylian in need of capture?” it grumbled irritably. Vaden sensed it shifting slightly on the nest it had created at the back corner of the four-sided, three-walled tower.
“Yes, actually. Though it might even be better for us if you managed to—oh, somehow…accidentally slice her throat?” the sorceress hinted.
The sluggish-minded reptile seemed to perk up at this. “Who is it, might I enquire?”
Vaden presented to it the image she had snatched from Link’s memory: an athletic, brunette girl of medium height with hazel eyes. A sword’s scabbard was strapped to her hip and a white horse stood beside her, its reins in her hands.
She got just the reaction she wanted—anger at its failure to kill the girl the first time and satisfaction that it would get a second chance to do just that. “I take it you remember her?” Through the dragoon’s seething emotions, she felt its very distinct reply. “Good. Her name is Vanessa Satori, and she lives in a house in Lynna City. Be watchful, though—she knows us and suspects you. Also, the people of Lynna aren’t as conditioned to you as the men here. Avoid detection at all costs, or Master shall have what is left of your head when I’m through with you!”
Vaden laughed with evil glee as the dragon enthusiastically leapt from the tower’s single cave-like room and soared southwestward toward the City.
*************************************
A flash of metallic purple hide caught Vanessa’s eye as she slowly pivoted in the middle of the tiny glen. She carefully watched the area near where she had sighted it, waiting for Teresa to make another mistake. Finally, she spotted the dragonet’s glinting purple hide again, this time to her left. With a cry, she lunged through the undergrowth to grapple with the dragonet, her arms wrapping around Teresa’s long neck.
Teresa squealed good-naturedly as the Hylian settled into the hollow over her shoulder and thumped the dragon’s hide affectionately. “Teresa, Teresa, Teresa—haven’t you figured out yet that sunlight is not to your advantage? I can see you coming a mile away with this hide of yours.”
The dragonet crooned innocently, cocking one amethyst eye at her as if begging for forgiveness. Vanessa sighed; the young dragon just didn’t seem to want to take her lessons seriously. “Well, come on, then. We’d better be heading back before it gets too dark.” The dragonet gave a tiny snort and began walking southward through the trees toward Vanessa’s home, easily carrying the Hylian on her back as if she weighed no more than a yearling wolf.
It had been four days since her last lesson with Zirren. For the past three, she had been sparring his daughter as he coached them both. Finally, after being unable to find another opportunity to suck more information on dragons from the general, she had given up and decided to try teaching Teresa herself.
This was why they had been in the forests along Lynna Lake so close to dusk. There was hardly a safe place for Teresa to fly, let alone somewhere near the city. It just so happened, Lynna Forest was about as close to the city and as far from where Northern Castle supposedly was as they could get—which worked out perfectly fine for Vanessa. However, this train of thought only brought her back to Teresa’s mistakes, and how both of them might pay for the dragonet’s lack of good training if—when—they got into a real fight.
She had hoped the two of them would be able to launch their rescue operation sometime within the next two weeks. But if Teresa didn’t begin to take her amateur teacher’s lessons seriously—and soon—Vanessa feared it would be impossible for them to pull it off without a serious injury or death.
The girl was jolted out of her brooding by a nudge from Teresa; the pair had already arrived at the cliff edge overlooking her house, and it was time to dismount. As Vanessa slid from the dragon’s shoulder, she caught a glimpse of sliver light reflected off metal in the late afternoon sunlight. She squinted against the glare to her right and finally spotted two soldiers walking with purpose up the inclined path that lead to her home.
Apprehension welled up inside her as the girl hastily settled her dragon in for the night. Something other than the fact that two soldiers were visiting her house told her something had gone wrong recently—or would go wrong soon.
Vanessa snuck in through the back door, checking to be sure Teresa was out of sight before quietly latching the door behind her. She stopped as the voices of her mother and the two soldiers reached her straining ears.
“…where that girl gets to around this time of night. I’m sure she’ll be here soon, though, if you would hold on just—” Her mother abruptly stopped speaking as the girl stepped from the hall leading into the back room. “Oh.”
“I’m back, Mother,” Vanessa said coolly, keeping her expression neutral until she knew what was going on.
“I see that,” the woman answered, now appearing somewhat nervous. The girl resisted the temptation to let her brow furrow. Something was definitely wrong here if her mother was twitchy in the presence of soldiers. “Well, I guess I’ll just leave you three to talk. Good evening, sirs.” With that, she bustled past Vanessa into the back room, casting a worried glance at her daughter.
Now she let one eyebrow jump up her forehead, breaking her impassive façade. “If I might inquire,” the girl addressed the soldiers, “What’s going on?”
The soldier to the left—a lanky youth of about twenty years with light brown hair—cleared his throat uneasily. “Miss, the Mayor told us we should warn you about some strange occurrences you might not have been aware of which have transpired lately.”
“And to speak with you about what these might mean, on his behalf,” the second, an older, heavily-scarred and dark-skinned man, added smoothly.
Vanessa’s eyes narrowed. “If it has to do with the Hero’s mission, you must know I will speak with none but him on that matter.”
“So the Mayor himself warned us you might say,” the second man replied silkily. “However, I believe there are certain facts about what my friend here has mentioned to you that will reverse your opinion of this silence.”
Something about Vanessa’s personality didn’t seem to agree with this man’s sly character—unfortunately, she couldn’t seem to put a finger on what made her so suspicious. For the time being, the girl was forced to turn her mind from the dilemma to listen to the first soldier.
“A dragon has been spotted in the area, Miss,” the brunette explained, speaking so quickly it almost seemed as if he too shared Vanessa’s sentiments about his partner. “It is said to come from the north to fly the skies over this city. By all accounts it is described as being as large as a palace with no bright scale on its hide, being all black as the night. It is unanimously agreed by all who have seen this dragon that there is a feeling of evil about it, for it does not simply fly by as might be expected but glides as if searching for something. It is of the Mayor’s opinion that this beast has something to do with the Hero of Time’s hitherto publicly unknown mission to locate and retrieve the Oracle.”
The girl froze; the memory of her encounter with the dragoon from a mere month past—and the feeling of mortal danger that went with it—was still vivid in her mind. If the reports were to be believed, which was Vanessa’s second inclination after thinking the soldier’s words over, then the dark dragoon of evil had been sent to find her.
Meaning either the barriers around Link’s mind had been broken, or he was dead.
She feverishly prayed it was only the former.
Vanessa steadied herself with a hand on the back of her mother’s chair, hoping the motion didn’t betray how hard those words had hit her. “Is that all?” she asked, forcedly casual. “That’s not so bad. Does the Mayor think it’s looking for me or something?”
“Yes.”
This simple answer from the dark-skinned man had the girl blinking confusedly. Then the reality of what the man had said processed, and she forced down rising fear.
“Get out,” she ordered the soldiers, her voice menacingly soft. “If the Mayor wants to tell me something, he can talk to me himself.” When they made no move to obey her, Vanessa forced her voice slightly louder. “Out!”
*********************
‘What's up with all this?’ she wondered angrily, grinding her teeth in irritation. Soothing forest greenery whipped by in a blur, Seril’s thundering hoof beats pounding in time to the blood roiling in her veins. The horse skittered around concealed holes and leapt over wide logs as they came without any guidance from her; her thoughts were being too belligerent right now for her to really care, and Seril seemed to be enjoying the freedom anyway.
Something about the dark-skinned soldier had gotten her on edge, made her insides quake with fear and roil with wary anger worse than she had ever felt. ‘Something’s not right…something’s not right…’ The litany ran through her head again and again and again, but still the girl couldn’t put her finger on what was bothering her.
Vanessa had definitely needed the reassuring ride after that encounter.
Teresa was flying protectively over her. The girl knew she should send the dragon back home before she was spotted and mistaken for the dragoon, but she didn’t have the heart right now to do that. Plus, the selfish part of her was secretly glad the dragonet had followed her; it was comforting.
At long last, Vanessa pulled her horse back to a slow jog and took in her surroundings. With a start, she realized that the three of them had traversed farther into the forest than she had meant to. They were almost two miles west of the city with night quickly shrouding everything in a deep, purple-tinged darkness.
The girl nervously pulled Seril to a halt and pointed him back down the path in the direction they had come. If she had been irritated by and afraid of the dark-skinned soldier, now she was wary and afraid of the darkness seeking to envelop them in velvety, deathly shadow. She had to get back to city quickly before anything happened; who knew what lurked in the shadows, waiting for her.
Seril had only just begun trotting back down the trail, about to break into a canter, when an unearthly shriek splintered the velvety stillness. She flinched and gave a small cry of pain as something struck her shoulder. Her stallion trumpeted angrily; the girl felt him picking up his feet over something that hadn’t been there a moment before.
Light flared up all around her, eerily striking the grotesque faces of blue-skinned Bulbins and Bokoblins closing in around her. Blinking furiously to compensate for the sudden brightness—she was nearly blind now from the torchlight—Vanessa glanced beyond the immediate ring of torches and spotted archers training gleaming arrows in her direction. One of the shiny metal tips, she found out, was imbedded in her shoulder; the girl tried to keep from shifting it too much and gritted her teeth against the throbbing pain.
Her thoughts immediately rushed to the little dragonet circling overhead. “Teresa, stay away!” Vanessa called to her. She sensed that the dragon thought of refusing the order and leaping into the circle anyway, but the girl couldn’t let that happen. Who knew what else lay in wait? Who knew if the dragoon was there or not? “Go! I’ll be fine!”
As soon as she was sure the dragon had obeyed, Vanessa jabbed her heels into Seril’s flanks. The horse leapt, easily clearing the space over the small monsters’ heads, and demolished the circle of archers behind them, biting out at those not fast enough to dodge his flying hooves. Harsh shrieks and calls rang through the forest after the fleeing rider, but she paid them no mind.
This time through, Vanessa was aware of every pitfall and log they had to dodge. She concentrated on guiding the stallion across the treacherously dark terrain, trying to ignore her pounding shoulder. Hard as she tried, though, and as fast as Seril was moving, the torchlight still seeped through the darkness around her, giving her light to see and forewarning about the monsters’ movements.
It seemed forever before the space between the trees began to widen and Vanessa caught a glimpse of the town. Peering intently through the darkness, the girl spotted a whole congregation of torches spread out across the central square; apparently there was a meeting going on.
Vanessa didn’t have the chance to wonder at this, though, because just then the earth beneath Seril’s hooves gave way. The horse pitched forward and sideways with a shrill neigh, and Vanessa was tossed from the saddle. She was lucky in that she didn’t fall on the arrow in her arm; she wasn’t so lucky that her head hit a particularly thick log. Stars exploded in her vision, quickly replaced by blackness.
When the girl groggily came to, the first thing her befuddled mind comprehended was the fact that there were human voices in the clearing. The second thing was the nerves in her bandaged shoulder whimpering in agony. She groaned, blinked, and forced the images swirling just beyond her lashes into focus.
The first thing she saw was a large fire flickering timidly in the middle of a good-sized clearing. Its light was partly obstructed by at least a dozen shapes which occasionally stood up and moved from one side of the fire to the other. Vanessa could tell they were people, but she couldn’t see any faces—the pain in her arm was making it difficult to see much of anything. Her mind finally kicked into gear, though, when she tried to sit up and realized her hands were bound.
If these people were any of the villagers, she wouldn’t be tied up. Plus, just after this thought she spotted living Bokoblins—they should be quite dead and burning by now if the villagers had rescued her.
That had to mean these people by the fire were enemy soldiers and the village was either under threat of attack or had already been attacked. They also probably didn’t know she was missing.
Vanessa now tried to make out the words the men around the fire were saying but ended up blinking in confusion. Their words weren’t of any language she had ever heard, and certainly not Hylian. She peered more closely at the men, suspicion coiling like a poised snake in her mind. Ice settled in her stomach when she realized they were all dark of skin and hair with varying eye-color.
They were terrifyingly similar in physical characteristics to the black soldier.
‘Who are these men?’ the girl wondered, forcing herself upright despite the lancing pain her shoulder and bonds caused with the movement. She nearly jumped out of her skin when something sharp brush against her back. In the next moment, though, she felt the ropes loosen around her wrists.
“It’s me, no worry,” a cheery voice said in her mind.
“Teresa?” Watching the enemy soldiers carefully, Vanessa shifted slightly so she could look behind her. She nearly fell over forward when the dragonet butted her snout affectionately against the girl’s back. “When did you learn—” The girl shook her head. “Never mind. We need a cover-up and then a way out of here. We won’t get far if they notice too soon that I’m gone.”
Vanessa could have sworn Teresa tried to smile at her—the dragon’s fangs glistened dangerously in the firelight, but her amethyst eyes were twinkling merrily. “I got it covered. Horse behind me—get going.”
The girl could have chuckled at the dragon’s childish grammar, but the seriousness of their situation prevented her from doing so. Instead she glanced back at the dark-skinned men to be sure they weren’t paying attention to her; in fact, they appeared to have begun quarrelling among themselves. With a grim smile, she ducked through the greenery that half concealed Teresa and quietly clucked for Seril.
Seril huffed softly as he daintily stepped toward her, appearing nervous but willing to do what was asked of him. His tack had somehow remained in place, his reins awkwardly wrapped around the saddle horn. Slight nicks in the leather betrayed the fact that an animal had done it, most likely Teresa. Vanessa marveled that the stallion had stayed near her when home was so close—that, of course, had to have been Teresa’s work as well.
She had to find some way to reward that dragon after this was all done.
Yells of surprise and terror cut through the rough voices that had been growing louder as the argument escalated behind her. Teresa roared, a deep-throated, terror-inspiring sound Vanessa had never heard from the little dragon before. Flames leapt to life behind her, painting the clearing in vivid oranges and reds contrasting sharply with the variously-hued greens of forest undergrowth. Somewhere behind her, a branch or a tree—she couldn’t tell which—fell with a splintering crash into the midst of the battle she was sure had begun.
Seril began trotting away from the noise and confusion as soon as the girl had gotten her feet off the ground. Vanessa urged him into a canter when she had settled herself in the saddle, leaning low over his neck to present a smaller target for any archers hiding on overhanging boughs. No one challenged them as they sped through the trees, heading in the general direction Teresa had told them the village lay.
No person challenged her, anyway.
As horse and rider slowed from their gallop to navigate the treacherous slope before the village limits, an enormous roar shook Vanessa and the night. A tornado whipped past her, close on the heels of a huge creature’s wing beats. The girl immediately knew something so large and threatening couldn’t be Teresa; throwing caution to the wind, she kicked Seril back into a gallop.
But he had had enough. As the dragoon came back for a more-deadly sweep at the pair, the horse abruptly reared mid-stride and pivoted. Caught off-guard, Vanessa was again thrown from the saddle with a yell of surprise.
This time, her head found a rock.
I love this, great fanfic is all I can say for now
Psh, I wish... I've been falling dreadfully behind. But! I'm catching up now. I did a couple during school to type up, gotta read up on another story that's further along already, and then ask for more!
I thought it ran pretty smoothly.. It never hurts to improve it in any way you can, but I followed. We don't want to bore the reader to death by piling information on them, but we also don't want to confuse the reader by jumping from one point to the other. How you lead to Vanessa standing at Zirren's doorstep was wonderfully written, I thought.
Onward!
The dash didn't seem to belong. Try:
And what if you were fighting...oh, let's say...a dragon?
And what if you were fighting, oh...let's say a dragon?
And what if you were fighting...oh, let's say a dragon?
Basically, I'm thinking the triple dots need to go somewhere. Hesitation may make her interrogation sound more realistic. ^^
Wasn't quite sure how to edit this, but it was off.
Okay, something happened and I can't pinpoint just what exactly...
You don't need quotes around your thoughts if they're already italicized. ^^
I honestly have seen that comma there in many places, but I don't really know why? It doesn't belong in my opinion, and my ACT book says it should either... I mean, it's for the ACT, but I found it a great source for comma usage. ^_^
I think.
This was good. IT wasn't info-dumpy; you tied it in with your dialogue, which is what I like to see [and use]. I'm glad things are going better now that you passed the transition chapter. When you yourself go back to edit to check for loopholes and such, you'll know what to fix or not. ^^
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
O.O No way. Jabber, is it just me, or are you critique-crazy?
Well, you see, I hate what appear to me to be too many commas. In this particular case, I thought the double dash would work better. I see what you mean in other instances, though. ^^;
So, other than the occasional grammatical issue, what did you think of this particular scene? Did it detract too much from what I'm trying to say Vanessa needs to do? Were there any problems with this as a transitional chapter (by the way, I'm adding the second half to it now when you get a chance)? Help! DX
Oh, and how does the name 'Hunter's Training' sound for the chapter name?
Let's see how fast I can get this crit typed. I never got to it yesterday *feels bad* and I have to leave for school in fifteen/twenty minutes. ^^;
Use commas before and's, but's, or's, etc. (The word for those just left my head. How embarrassing!) Delete and or change the dash to a comma. ^_^ You had another one of these later in the paragraph.
I was thinking of putting another that here, but I hate repeating words, even if it's fine grammatically. It just so happened that [insert noun here] was also...
Why don't commas work? oO
I'd say no commas before those types of clauses. ^^
Well I do know that the umlaut (double dot accent
Otherwise, bravo! Typed this up in five minutes. How's that for timing?
Jabber, the One and Only!
Alright, I'm not 100% pleased with it, but (so far) it's all I've got. T_T *glares at writer's block and sighs* Oh well. And the chapter's not named either...I'm toying with 'Apt Pupil', but I don't really like that either. T_T These particular chapters are difficult because they're transitioning ones...does anyone else have trouble with them? O.o
Well, tell me what you think.
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Chapter 7:
In the week following Vanessa’s finding of the dragonet, she was able to think more clearly than she had since before Link’s capture. As she began to sort her jumbled thoughts into categories, the girl came up with three conclusions.
First, she was definitely going to need some training—and lots of it. The rudimentary swordplay she had taught herself needed altering and refining. If her mistakes on the ill-fated mission and her fight with the dragoon were any indication, she was far below even the least-competent soldier’s proficiency—and not just in swordplay.
The only place she was going to get such training without her mother finding out was the militia and their commander.
It just so happened, that was also where she was going to get her second task completed.
Almost nothing was known about dragoons or even dragons in general, and here she was with a dragonet to raise and teach and a dragoon to fight and hopefully kill. There was almost nothing about them in the town records besides incomplete or worthless legends and a single, brief account of their banishment from Labrynna. What knowledge she had managed to glean from the dusty parchment would do her no good.
So it was that Vanessa found herself knocking on General Zirren’s door little over a week after she had ‘adopted’ Teresa.
A young girl with light brown hair, who seemed maybe a year or two younger than Vanessa, answered the door. “You’re Vanessa, I take it?” the girl asked after a moment.
Vanessa blinked. “How’d you know that?”
The girl—obviously Zirren’s daughter, though she didn’t share his glossy black hair—grinned. “He’s been expecting you. Here, I’ll take you to him—just a second.” She darted into the house and returned shortly with a cape. “I’m Faël, by the way. Father said I’ll probably be getting to know you well, so I should tell you my name,” she explained. A moment or two after they had begun walking across the land behind the house, she blurted, “Oh, there he is. Father!”
The muscular bay mare the general rode made a difficult leap over small logs raised to four feet seem effortless, her rider perfectly in sync with her every movement. Rocking back on her hind legs, the mare pivoted with easy grace and galloped down the long side of the field in which Zirren was riding, gaining more and more speed with each stride.
“He’s gonna run her into the cliff if he keeps that up!” Vanessa commented worriedly.
Faël merely smiled. “Watch,” she bid of the older girl. Vanessa worried a hangnail in a nervous habit as the horse shot past them.
Vanessa watched, astonished, as the mare planted her hooves mid-stride and leapt to the right past a pile of hay bales, which were meant to simulate an opponent about as large as a small dragoon. Zirren did the exact opposite, leaping from the saddle and landing with a roll before he stood with sword drawn to stab the closest bale. The mare followed her training and performed the other half of their maneuver—though she would rather have eaten the hay than batter it with her hooves. What she did bite off, though, she got to chew after Zirren gave her the ‘halt’ command.
The girl couldn’t believe her eyes. Though she moved her lips, no sound came from them as Faël and she walked over to Zirren. He patted the mare with pride, offering her an apple before commenting to Vanessa, “‘Bout time you showed up. Now, did you bring your sword, or will Faël have to run back to the house and fetch hers for you?”
The candid question took Vanessa off-guard. She stood there blinking like an owl in daylight, thinking, ‘How did he know I wanted to train?’ The girl said as much to the general, who laughed at her puzzled look.
“We’ll just call it some inner instinct for now, shall we?” he answered mysteriously, winking slyly. Then he noticed her thin sword in its scabbard, which was strapped to her hip. “Ah, good—you did bring your sword. Well then, come on, we haven’t got all day! Let’s get going,” Zirren brushed her question off and led his horse to a nearby tree. He dropped the end of the reins below the mare’s nose and turned back to the two girls. The horse wouldn’t move, as she had been trained to this sort of tying. She merely bent her head to crop the lush grass while she waited for her rider to finish his new task.
“Now, let’s see your stance. Go on, pretend you’re waiting for an attack from me,” Zirren instructed, taking his own defensive position opposite her.
*****************
“And what if you’re fighting—oh, let’s say, a dragon?” Vanessa asked innocently, sitting against the base of a nearby tree.
It was midmorning on the seventh day of her training with Zirren. The man was casually polishing his blade, sitting cross-legged on the brown winter grass as they discussed basic tactics. To Vanessa, it a welcome respite from the past three days of intense instruction in intermediate swordplay.
Her plan to subtly interrogate the general for information on dragons while she was training had continually nagged at her throughout the whole week, but until now she hadn’t gotten a chance to ask one question, subtle or not. Now she hoped she could turn the conversation the way she wanted with the single opportunity that had been presented her in the discussion.
The general eyed her suspiciously and answered slowly, “Well, dragons don’t do well on the ground, especially on loose slate and in bogs. So once they’re on the ground you can take advantage of lesser mobility to find an opening. That opening generally appears as opened wings or an outstretched necked—if you can get past the jaws and the claws.”
He had apparently fallen into a thread of general discussion suited to him, because he continued the lecture, oblivious to what he was supposed to be doing. “Ah, yes—getting past the jaws. With their eyes set how they are, it’s difficult to get past it if they’re keeping an eye on you. Distractions are your best bet—a friend attacking from their side, something loud attracting their attention, or some such thing. With their head turned far enough around, they won’t see you move for their shoulder.
“From there, you have to watch the claws and any movements they make with their wings, but you can also attack the heart, the jugular, the wings—any number of vulnerable points. Your best bet would probably be to damage the wing; that way they’re pretty much useless in the air, and they’re less likely to strike you with it. Even better, if you can get a good strike in, kill it right then and there. Unfortunately, it takes a well-tempered blade and a strong stroke through the heart to kill a dragoon. With dragons it’s not so hard, but they can be tenacious if they feel like it.”
‘Ok, now I know how to kill one…but how to find out about training and general living?’ She had to repress a smile at her next thought. ‘Not that I haven’t already learned some of it from taking care of Teresa—but she deserves better.’ There was silence a moment as the girl thought. Finally, she had it.
“But I’m not likely to fight one, right?” she said, more a statement than a question.
Zirren lapsed into thought, his brows furrowing. “Well,” he began, “maybe not. First off, there’s that dragoon you saw. Who knows when it’ll turn up again. Secondly, there have been occasional sightings of other dragons in the past—I don’t know where they come from or how they get to flying over the village, but they’ve been seen before.” He glanced up at her, his expression even more suspicious. “The Mayor told me you’d been asking to look at the village records on that kind of stuff. Didn’t you find those reports in there?”
Vanessa’s heart beat faster. Did he suspect her intentions, or was he just curious about her interest in the beasts? “No, I didn’t,” she answered. “The parchment was rather old and the ink had worn out.” ‘That’s not completely true,’ she thought, ‘but I certainly didn’t look hard enough either.’ She could curse herself later for not paying more attention to the scrolls, but now was not the time. If she could pry the valuable knowledge from him, she needed to know more.
“What do you think prompted these few to fly near the village? Aren’t they normally afraid of people?”
The general burst out laughing, a deep, rumbling sound like waves crashing against far-off cliffs. “Never! They’re smarter than you think, dear girl. A full-grown dragon wouldn’t give you a second glance as it bites you in half and eats you for dinner—even less so a dragoon. We’re like deer or ants to them; prey or nuisances, depending on the situation. But—” he held up a finger to emphasize his point, “after we learned how to best them—before they were banished, that is—they generally kept to the far forests and Rolling Ridge. I have heard, however, there was a dragoon that took up residence at the castle which hasn’t been seen or heard from in half a century. The first of only three sightings of that particular beast was about ten years after Veran had been defeated, too, which is a rather interesting point.”
‘Finally, some useful information!’ Vanessa almost crowed with delight, barely restraining herself so as not to arouse any further suspicion. “But why would it do that?”
Zirren shrugged. “I haven’t gotten the faintest idea.”
The girl’s ecstasy deflated almost instantly. Had he purposefully stopped her line of questioning, or did he really not know why that dragoon had roosted in the castle?
After a period of silence, the general stood up and said, “Well, guess you’d better get going to wherever it is you disappear to after our lessons. It’s almost noon. Tomorrow I’ll have you start sparring with Faël at the same time as today’s lesson—got it?” With that, he sheathed his sword and walked off toward the river that was Lynna City’s informal western boundary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EDIT: [s]Note that this is only the first half of the chapter.[/s] I've added the second half now. I'm debating making it a third half, but the next part will probably be part of the next chapter (I hate transitions... T_T). [s]Also, I'd like to know if there should be the double-dot accent on Fael's name or not. I can keep it or do without it, I don't know if I need it, though, because I have the 'ae' in there. =/ Anyone good with that kind of language? =P[/s]
Oh gosh I've left this unattended for WAY WAY WAY too long. X_X XD Ah, well.
I've FINALLY gotten past writer's block!!!!!!! HURRAY!! *trumpet fanfare, streamers fall down, and everybody par-teys!!*
*cough**cough* Anyway--
Why thank you. I'll have you know that that second "little" attachment plays a rather important part in the telling of this particular Hero's past.
Hm. Well, I've fixed this now so it doesn't cause any confusion, but there are supposed to be 5 guards. There're two hanging on each of his arms. Quite the welcome, ain't it?
That's what the next chapters are for, and why there're only two months. It'll be explained, don't worry (if I write it right, that is... *whistle*). XD
Ugh, I HATE books like that! Well, at least, where nothing in those chapters doesn't pertain to something big later in the story. Even if I tried, though, I don't think I could bring myself to write such LONG-span no-action beginning chapters--I have to jump in on the action immediately!
Alright, now back to Chapter 7 (as yet unnamed so I can actually get a respectable-sized chapter in here!! XD)! *scurries back to draft*
This is going really well! I'm sooooo sorry it's taken so long to reply, but I'm back, so here we go. I'm really glad that you've gotten straight into the action with this story, as soo many books don't; they wait 10 chapters for anything to start. (I'm afraid mine's starting to be like that
)
This is a great use of language, it makes Link have a personality and shows that he gets the same feelings that other people do. Rather than just having the regular feelings that most writers stick to (love, anger, pain, jealousy etc), this charactor has feelings that aren't usually observed in fiction. Little attachments are so infrequently used, yet they add depth to a charactor. So well done.I'll start off with chapter 5, as that's where I left off.
First:
This paragraph is too long without some clue as to who yu're talking about. It tells us later, and it is a good idea to do this to start off a new section, but you shouldn't leave us hanging for so long, especially when you've got that lovely little personality trait being edged in there, we want to know who has that attachment. It doesn't have to be a name, just some reference to an obvious (previously mentioned) trait.
Then again it can be a name; you have 2 sentances here, the second one can start off with Link allowed an ironic smile... If you don't think it's appropriate, then don't do it.
This is a really long section with no break. I'm running out of breath by the end! You don't always need to state the obvious. try: ...dut didn't dare crawl up the beast's neck, where its vulnerable jugular could be pierced by the Master Sword. Remember, you started the sentance with a long stretch don't end it in the same way.
I only counted two men (two pairs of hands), so where are the other 2?
there needs to be another line after glaring, otherwise it looks like she said it.
Too much time has passed without any word of the others, what has everyone been doing for 6-7 months? I realise you're going to cut it down to 2 but that's still a long time, if not as bad. Think about it.
Poor Link!!!
This is looking really good! I'll review the next 2 some other time. You really need to stop acting embarrassed about your talent, no matter what you may think, you're really good! I think everyone who's read your work is worried that your better, I know you're better than me!
O.o Wow...I'm lucky to have an editor as dedicated as you. ^_^ *hugs*
Aww, shucks. *hugs harder* Maybe I should actually print it out one time and see for myself... ^^;
Well, she had cocked her head at Vanessa when they were on the cliff...but maybe it is a bit of a stretch to say 'recently.' ^^;
I'm sorry it's so short. I've gotten into a happen of trying to come up with a name for the chapter before I write it, and only include in the chapter what makes sense when comparing it to the title. ^^; *glares at writing book* It said to do that, and...yeah...that's about where I am now with the whole chapter-naming thing. I'm planning to (hopefully) condense the next few chapters into one under one name that encompasses the whole thing, or maybe even split it into two...
Am I making any sense at all? ^^;
*sigh* Still haven't gotten anything of Chapter 7 started...I'm determined to finish this thing! I will finish this story! 'Cause the good part's yet to come! ^^
Hey, Gladius! I had to do this critique at school (yes, I printed it out and everything), so we'll see how well I copy it.
It's hard to get the quotes from the previous post because it stretches out the paragraphs into one line. 
By the way, could you keep it in the normal font, please?
I should probably double check my crit, but maybe this makes sense to you.
Replace dashes with commas.
Not many grammar errors. I'm glad I took this with me to school today. It was so much easier to concentrate.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Ok, I've decided I'm going to but up the rest of what I have for Chapter 6. I'm thinking the next few chapters, since they're kinda transition chapters, are going to be really slow/difficult to write, so any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated! ^_^; Thanks!
*********************************************** (con't from previous post of Chap. 6: Dragon Oath)
[pre]“Hmm. The question now is, How am I going to hide you?” Vanessa asked, half to herself. Teresa, as she had quickly dubbed the nameless dragonet, cocked her head quizzically. The girl chuckled, then turned back to her survey of the area around her house.
Seril grazed calmly at the far end of the property to her right. Trees on the left side of the house bordered a straight fifteen foot drop down to more houses. At the moment, she was atop the cliff that backed her house; she could barely make out the side door from where she lay on her stomach at the edge of the precipice.
Teresa was a good-sized dragonet, in about her second year of growth. Vanessa judged that, on average, the dragon would need enough room to sleep during the day and then sneak away to hunt at night.
A convenient stand of pines caught her attention at the far corner of Seril’s picket circle. The stand was about three trees deep and would keep its cover of needles throughout the winter months ahead. Vanessa wondered how the horse would react, though—the only dragon he had ever seen had been the dragoon, and he had been terrified out of his wits of it.
‘Well, guess it’s worth a shot,’ she thought with a mental shrug.
Ten minutes later, she and the dragonet had snuck along the bottom of the cliff to the stand of pines, trying to keep to the shadow of the cliff to avoid being seen by Vanessa’s mother or anyone else. Seril didn’t notice them, intent on a patch of clover at the far end of his picket circle.
She turned to Teresa when she had found a suitable clearing in the middle of the copse, similar to the one in which Vanessa had found the dragon. A thick clump of ferns would serve for warmth in the on-coming winter months, and the hardwoods trees no doubt housed far too many species of pests for her mother’s liking. ‘Perfect hunting territory,’ Vanessa thought with a smile. “What do you think, little one?”
The dragon cocked her head again, surveyed the clearing, then finally nodded a vigorous ‘yes.’ The girl chuckled at the little beast’s human-like habits, then stopped when she remembered what she had decided to ask the dragon.
The girl knelt so she could look Teresa in the eye. “Little one, I’ve a favor to ask of you.” Teresa blinked at the Hylian, a sense of curiosity flowing by Vanessa like a rivulet of water. Comparing the little dragon to her own brother—both of whom looked so innocent—Vanessa couldn’t imagine how ferocious the dragon would be once she had achieved her full growth. “There’s someone I’m trying to find. He’s been locked up somewhere by evil people, and when I find him, I have to get him out. Will you help me?”
Vanessa wasn’t sure how much the dragonet understood about oaths, but there was such sincerity and loyalty in Teresa’s answer that she was convinced the dragon had to be more intelligent than she looked.
For the first time in the week since Link’s capture, Vanessa finally felt as if she stood a fighting chance of rescuing Link and putting her homeworld right once more.[/pre]
Zelda fanfictions aren't something I normally read. But considering that it isn't something I normally read, you kept my interest. An that is a great thing in itself. Keeping writing. For the people into these kind of fanfics they will most likely enjoy them.
Lol Jabber. I think that's the first time I've seen you flustered!! XD Maybe, since there aren't so many grammatical issues and stuff anymore, you could discuss what you think will happen...especially if there are other people to discuss it with! ^^; XD
It's the verb form of 'incredulous' I believe. And it does mean disbelief.
Gotta go, sorry! I'll add more later. ^^;
Yay! It's up!! *reads*
I'm not sure, but would it read better if it were: Her feelings were so overwhelming, she could hardly function in daily life for the next whole week.
I think a period would work better than the big dash.
I honestly don't know how to format these kind of sentences, so I try to avoid them.
What's a tree-line? Lol, I'd just say a 'line of trees' or something.
Stepping softly...You left us hanging! Lol, I didn't like that much. Stepping softly atop the leaves or the dew-sodden grass (I don't know if the latter's even allowed. Lol)
Replace the dashes with commas.
Replace dash with triple dots or nothing at all.
Lol, I don't even know how to say that word! Try 'disbelief' or something else. It may flow better.
Overall, it was a nice continuation. ^^ I honestly don't remember much and should go back and review.
There's really no other comments 'cause you do such a good job with your writing. I'm highly impressed. Um...yeah, I got nothin'.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Ok, I finally got the first half of Dragon-oath finished. I'm going to post it for you to enjoy while I slave over the second half. XD I think this chap is going to be the longest...
Anyway, sit back and enjoy Chapter 6 of The Wings of Darkness: Dragon-oath!
***********************
[pre]Chapter 6: Dragon-oath
Vanessa returned from the meeting with the Maku Tree, Mayor Penn, and Zirren drained both physically and emotionally. Her muscles ached from the battle with the dragon and she was overwhelmed with guilt that she had caused the Hero of Time’s capture. She should never had gone off on her own; she realized now that any competent soldier, any soldier with any discipline at all, would have told the commander—Link—where she was going. A knowing, competent soldier would have taken a companion with her to watch her back and aid her in the event of a battle.
Her feelings overwhelmed her so that she could hardly function in daily life for the next week. She quickly became in a habit of waking early and slipping out the side door to take a walk in the woods by Lynna Lake’s shore, letting her emotions wash over her like the tide over the soft sand under her boots. The sky remained calm and gentle in the days after her return from the ill-fated expedition, but it did nothing to lighten the burden she felt settle on her shoulders.
Vanessa had gotten Link into imprisonment—she would get him out, or die trying.
The notion got hold of her as she mulled it over on her walks until it was all she thought about every waking moment. The nightmares that had plagued her sleep for the previous seven days vanished like clouds retreating after a violent storm, and hope returned. The only problem was, she had no idea exactly how she was going to rescue the Hero.
The Maku Tree had suggested that darkness born of evil emanated from the Castle in the north, but Vanessa had no clue what evil might be the cause of it. The girl also had no idea how a single girl might be able to infiltrate the fortress, rescue the Hero, and escape undetected with enough time between the actual escape and discovery to return to Lynna City and raise a sizable resistance force to combat the rising evil. She was going to need help, but she wasn’t sure how to go about acquiring it.
Vanessa found her first source of aid very, very quickly.
The girl was trudging along the bank of Lynna Lake, head tilted back to drink in the unusually-strong autumn sun, when she heard the distinctive, piteous cry of a young animal. Curious, Vanessa turned her steps from the water’s edge toward the tree-line to her right to investigate. She pushed her way through a superficial wall of sapling branches, stepping softly. Following a second, louder cry, the girl stepped into a tiny clearing no bigger than an unusually large space between three gigantic trees and stopped as a glint of bright purple color caught her eye.
‘What in the world…?’ She wondered as she stepped closer—no animal she knew was that scintillating color.
As she reached toward the greenery hiding the creature, it growled and snapped at her outstretched hand. She hastily snatched it back before the sharp fangs could grab hold of her hand and peered closer at the shifted greenery. An amethyst eye glared at her from the depths of the bushes, and the creature continued to growl threateningly. The girl spotted reptilian horns sprouting from the back of what could only be its head.
She gasped as she both realized what the creature was and its mind impacted hers. An intelligence at least as smart as her had brushed her mind—a hundred memories flashed past her mind’s eye, dozens of emotions surged through her. The dragonet was wary of the Hylian, but at the same time curious and—surprisingly—distressed by…something.
“What’s wrong?” She asked, closing her eyes to better see the dragon’s response.
Images of two adult dragons flashed past, their backs turned to the dragonet. Flames licked at a cave entrance; smoke poured in columns into the dragons’ faces. Fear overwhelmed every other sense. A trail of memories flew through her as the two dragons at the cave mouth disappeared into the smoke and fire. The dragonet swallowed rising fear, calling after the other two as she bounded after them. She recoiled from the wall of ash and flames as smoke stung her eyes. Its acrid taint scorched her throat and filled her lungs with a noxious vapor.
The little dragonet wandered aimlessly and blind between raging fires, all sense of direction lost in the soft concealing rain of grey-white ash. Dragon roars and bellows of pain pierced the clouds of smoke, quiet and muffled as if by walls of stone. Fear ruled the smoky landscape.
Finally she stumbled into an unburned portion of the forest that had surrounded her home. The dragonet coughed harshly as clean air purified her smoke-riddled lungs, drawing shaky breaths as she finally managed to take in her surroundings.
She stood in the midst of a small glen, weak sunlight streaming down on her head through the thin haze of smoke and ash floating on a breeze overhead. The trees waved gently, comfortingly over her, calming her frenzied mind.
The fear returned briefly when the breeze suddenly strengthened to a full-force gale. It ripped her weak wings from her side, throwing the dragonet back the way she had come, tumbling snout over paws into a tree. Pain exploded in her mind like falling stars, red on black. Her back ached as the dragonet slumped to the ground, shaking her head to clear it of the pain.
A milky white, inky black circle of unknown substance floated in the center of the glen, swirling gently like clouds in a soft westerly breeze. It hummed softly, mysteriously, drawing her closer in curiosity. Her pain was forgotten in the growing curiosity she had about the thing. The dragonet’s steps took her to within reach of her outstretched neck of it. She sniffed it cautiously, determined it was superficially harmless, and took a step closer to contemplate it as she sat on her haunches before it.
But as she sat, her paw accidentally brushed the shadowy circle. The dragonet squealed as some omnipotent outside force pulled her through the circle and away from the glen.
The next thing she remembered, she was lying in the midst of a similar clearing, sunlight gleaming innocently through the thick canopy above her. She shook her head and felt her body shaking with weakness. Whimpering, she crawled to a nearby bush and lay down under it to rest.
She was awoken by Hylian footsteps breaking twigs as the person walked through the forest—towards her.
Vanessa opened her eyes, staring at what she could see of the small dragon. Sympathy washed through her at the creature’s plight. She thought for a minute, then finally said, “You need someone to take care of you. Will you let me help you?”
Incredulity ran through their minds, stemming from the dragon. Vanessa smiled then realized something with lighting celerity.
She had just found someone to help her rescue Link.
**************************[/pre]
Wow, four more??? I wish I could write with a constisincy of everyone else on this site. I'm a little caught up with the debate group, which still brings points and is a lot of fun. As for the games themselves, I haven't gotten a chance top play the older ones. I beat The Legend Of Zelda: The Wind Waker and I just got The Legend Of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass for my nintendo DS. I'm getting into it!
-Joel-
Thank you. The whole series I'm currently writing (seriously, it's a series--I've got at least four more stories to go that follow the initial set I've created here with TWOD!) is really gonna blow your mind if you know anything about Zelda (especially Twilight Princess and Ocarina).
lol Thanks. ^_^
rofl XD
Welcome aboard the S.S. Immortals! (Immortals is actually the working title of the whole series, don't know if I'm going to change it yet or not.)
To everyone else--I finally had a brain blast, so Chapter 6: Dragon-oath is officially under way! (and should be ready within the month.)
EDIT: Oh, and I changed how long Link's imprisoned. It's going to be refered to as '2 months' now instead of 6-7. It's changed in my draft, but I won't be editing it on the site. I'll be posting the full story as an attachment when we get finished, though, so you can peruse all my edits and stuff at your leisure. What do you think?
Wow, all these chapters are really good. I love it that people like you can take a classic well known game with an established plot and charcaters and then turn it into your own. I can't really find any issues with any of the chapters that Jabs hasn't already, so let me first say good job. I really enjoyed reading all of this even if it was really long. I had to read all the chapters. Congrats and welcome to the site, even though I'm three weeks late!
-Joel-
Ugh, sorry guys, but I've hit some major writer's block!! I'm introducing a few new characters, so it's a bit of a doozy working in the things that need to be done at the same time (not to mention the fact that some of my characters have decided to disobey my original draft >.< *cough*Vanessa*cough*newcharacters*cough* so I'm a at a bit of a loss as to how to connect them), so--yeah. Working on it! Hopefully I can get it up...soon...*cough*beforethemonthisout*cough*
Thank you for your support! *grouphug*
Sorry for the delay, I just wanted to let you guys know I'm still here.
Yay! Poor Link! XD When I was writing this, I had a friend of mine say almost the same thing. Glad to hear I can keep a reader on edge. XD
Ugh, tag issues!! >.< *flame-broils the tag issues*
Aww, shucks
Umm, the comma example was more confusing than what you were saying about my actual sentence! XD I think I may orginially have put the commas in, but I wasn't sure about that sentence...
Umm, however, the issue about the dragoon (again)-- it's speaking in mindspeak, meaning there would be no guttural growls unless it used its vocal chords to add emphasis to its mindspeak. I hope you get that... =/
O.O Ack! I forgot to do the stupid italics again!!!! *head/desk* *glares at lack-of-time* >_>
Anyway, stay tuned for Chapter 6: Dragon-oath!
Hey, Gladius! I'm finally getting this crit in. ^^;
Meh, use a period instead of a semi.
Your tag is a bit awkward. =/ Hmm...Assuming he's riding a dragon (:wink:):
"I would not do that if I were you," it stated in its low growl as if he knew what he was planning. "If I go down, you go down with me." Yes, no? =/ It's a little better, but I'm almost worried you're a better writer than me. XD
This seems to be a controversial issue, but I think my way's right. (Way to be ignorant XD). I think there should be that comma because you're listing things. It's hard to explain without the example:
Example 1: I have socks in red, blue, green and black, black, pink and blue, yellow, and gray. << My way of thinking. I can have socks of two colors, like green and black, but I can also have socks in green and socks in black. I have socks in green, green and black, and black. See?
However, some people think this is right:
Example 2: I have socks in red, blue, green and black, black, pink and blue, yellow and gray. << When I read this, I think this person also has a pair of yellow and gray socks, not a pair of yellow and a pair of gray socks.
This explains the comma.
Tag issues.
Tag issues again. ...your life!" she screamed.
Sheesh, you're good. I'm really worried now! Poor Link.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
All right, sorry for the long break. Consider this a -late- New Year's chap
Enjoy!
********************
Chapter 5: Imprisonment
The cold wind whipped through his light tunic and cloak like a blade, chilling his chain mail and leather-padded gambeson on its way to his heart. He allowed an ironic smile to tug at his lips when he checked that his cap had stayed in place; for some strange reason not even he could explain, the little accessory had wormed its way into a special place in his heart, right next to his almost-religious devotion to the blade on his back.
He dared a glance at the ground below him, speeding by even faster than when he rode his swift mare. Link knew he would have to do something soon if he was to free himself before they reached the castle, but didn’t dare crawl up the beast’s neck to reach where its vulnerable jugular could be pierced by the Master Sword.
As he was musing over a plan, he felt a strange contact prod at the walls around his consciousness. Warily he allowed the presence to take a step in, but allowed no more than what was necessary to speak with the dragon.
“I would not do that if I were you.” It stated as simply as if it had been able to hear his planning. “If I go down, you go with me.”
Link grudgingly acknowledged this fact, sheathed his sword, and settled in for the long, cold ride.
The dragon laughed and left his mind victoriously.
*********************
As soon as the dragon landed, Link leapt for the cold flagstones below the dragon’s belly and sprinted toward the huge doors that lead outside the keep. But before he could get far, a huge tail sent him sprawling on his face. He heard the dragon’s laughter as it echoed in his mind and ground his teeth in irritation.
“Well, well, well,” a woman’s voice sneered from above him, “what have we here? It appears we have a guest. Off, dragon—I must see this for myself.”
The dragon’s tail was removed, and Link quickly stood. But as soon as he had turned to face the girl, he felt two pairs of hands grab his arms. He debated struggling, but thought better of it when he saw who the people were.
They appeared to be Gerudos, but all were men of black skin, round ears, and varying hair and eye colors—quite unlike the almost exclusively female race, as their hair was usually red and their eyes dark.
A fifth man, wearing a black breastplate, greaves, and bracers, unbuckled the strap which held the Master Sword’s scabbard to his back. He bit back a soft groan as the Sacred Blade was taken from him; a small piece of Link’s soul seemed to detach itself from him as the man of evil held it in his hand. The blessed steel would not harm the man as long as he did not unsheathe it.
Link immediately swore he would kill these men and return the Sword to its rightful partner when he got free. The Master Sword would not be parted from the Hero of Time for long.
The young woman that stood before evil’s prize looked him up and down, a smirk on her ruby lips. Long raven hair had been cinched into a tight ponytail at the nape of her neck. Her black eyes glittered like two star-filled abysses. They would have been pretty in any other face but hers at that moment; her lips were pulled into a malicious grin that contorted her thin face into that of a hideous, blood-thirsty monster.
“Nice of you to drop in, dear Hero,” the woman smirked, flashing him a white-toothed grin. She leaned closer, and Link involuntarily took a step back. The soldiers tightened their grip, as if frightened by unpredictable attacks from a cornered animal. “I think you’ll find the accommodations here perfectly suited to your station.” She hissed, her smile charming yet eyes glaring.
“Who are you?”
The woman seemed taken aback by the boldly-asked question, as her delicate eyebrows corkscrewed up her slanted forehead. She appeared to contemplate it a moment before answering, “I am the Mistress of Darkness. My name I prefer to keep to myself—if you cooperate, maybe you’ll learn it sooner.”
They stood glaring at each other a moment before the woman stepped back, her eyes cold, and barked. “Take him away.”
*********************
Link was escorted from his cell to a wide, open tower and bent to the sorceress’ will promptly at sunrise everyday, throughout the winter and for three months into the spring. He did fight back on every one of these occasions for a whole month, though, using what defenses he had learned from Princess Zelda to counter the woman’s magic.
But the drain on his energy was taxing. With his prisoner’s rations smaller than any soldier’s provisions or even daily expedition supplies, there was no way he could keep up his strength and fight the Mistress of Darkness at the same time. There was no other option but to keep up his strength as best he could. He only hoped his body and mind could endure the punishments until he escaped.
The Goddesses must have been on his side, for at the end of six months the woman still hadn’t glimpsed any helpful information from him. He knew it couldn’t last, though, and fully realized this when on a day in the seventh month of his imprisonment the guards dragged him to the main courtyard where he had first encountered the Mistress of Darkness.
The four men simultaneously threw him forward to greet the grass-laced flagstones. He barely caught himself with one hand and weakly levered himself up, not even bothering to dust the dirt from his filthy tunic. The chain mail and gambeson had long been taken away, and his boots were wearing through the sole from lack of proper cobbling.
“So have you finally decided to spill your knowledge? You would be in much better shape if you cooperated.” The Mistress of Darkness asked quietly, turning her head only slightly to glance at his pitiful appearance. The ghost of a jeering smile crossed her lips. Then it was gone and she wore her contorted sneer again. “Well?” She demanded.
Link gathered every last ounce of strength left in him, drawing himself up tall to meet what he could see of her glare in kind. “Why would I ever betray the people who depend on me?”
The woman immediately turned on him like a provoked dragon, her long black robes sweeping around like unfurling wings. “Then you forfeit your life!” She screamed, putting her hands on his temples. They glowed a shimmering, iridescent red, their color flaring simultaneously with the woman’s mind as she delved into his own. He saw red on black, felt a sharp pain as the blade-like thought wormed its way farther and farther into his store of knowledge.
Link screamed in agony as the spear of the woman’s thoughts found what it was looking for and forcefully tore it from him. He fell forward on his knees, then all was blissful, soothing darkness.* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
So true, Morrow! However, I hope you read Jabber and Tamora's posts about these same things before you edited.
I was wondering about this--wether there was a space or not. =/ Now that you've cleared that up... >.< *runs to story and edits next few chaps*
Well, then, welcome to YWS! >_> Oh, wait, I am new...but still, these guys here have given me such a warm welcome that I feel like a member when I haven't even been here a month! XD As an aside, thank you, JabberHut, for being such a wonderful editor for me!! *hug*
Anyway, Morrow, I hope you can catch up with us--there's some reeeeeally interesting parts coming up.
It seems we're both pretty new here.
Impressions
The first sentence's structure is a bit...how do you say...simple? Two nouns, each with two adjectives preceding them is something you would find in a children's book, because, structurally, it's very easy to comprehend: "The big, black dog stood by his tall, red house." It doesn't have the catchy feel that you want in your opener, at least not with this audience.
Here you make a technical error. You need a comma between "up" and "and," because this sentence has two clauses. A clause is a piece of text that has a subject and a verb. Basically, when there are two subjects and two verbs in a sentence, there needs to be a comma before a conjunction somewhere. There are two subjects in this sentence: "head" and "arms."
Careful with your use of semicolons. You rarely see semicolons in any modern day novel; if used excessively, they can interrupt the flow, and though they have multiple uses, they should really only be used when explaining a preceding statement, like the one used in this sentence. There are some points, especially in the prologue, where a period could easily replace a semicolon.
You use a hyphen (-) in this sentence, where you mean to use a dash. A dash is two hyphens together (--), and there is no space before or after. Commonly, word processors will combine the two hyphens into a longer line, thereby breeding the misconception that dashes are hyphens.
word choice, consider "vigilantly"
Never use ellipses in literary work; they're generally known to be the worst form of punctuation, perhaps even worse than the exclamation point!
This paragraph is nearly perfect. All you need to do is refine the punctuation.
Overall, you have colorful diction and syntax. The only major problem I can perceive insofar is punctuation.
O.o Oh, my gosh! So much to respond to!
XD Well, here goes:
Hmmm... I don't know.
Ugh, the comma/dash/semi! :faint: XD I'll work on that...
Forget my comments about the dragon/dragoon thing. ^_^[/quote]
He he- I was hoping someone would catch that. I'll explain this in more detail later, though.
Yay! I'll try to keep the tag problems down, and I'm working on the comma/dash/semi.
I won't ignore it. I see your point, but rememer this?
Actually, that's not much of a disadvantage- I can make sure you-who-know-nothing-about-the-series understand what I'm talking about without having to play the game!
=/ Well, I didn't want to give you huge chunks of text to edit- it'd be a burden on you and me. : ) So, should I just keep posting whenever I get a chap done, or wait until you come back from holiday?
Ok- now to the dragon/dragoon thing that is stumping you guys. Dragon is a generic term, in my book, and for this particular series of fanfiction a dragon is termed as 1) a flying, fire-breathing reptilian creature of any color, size, and age or 2) as one of said creatures who is of a 'normal' intelligence level (meaning it can communicate in the same way as any other animal and a few of the more intelligent dragons can actually speak telepathic words) and is one of three subspecies: Fire, Water, and Earth.
Think of it this way: the latin name for dragon is draconis; if a generic dragon is simply that, then the supspecies of dragon would be draconis flamma, draconis aqua, and draconis terra.
The dragoon, on the otherhand, is a much larger, much stronger, and longer-lived dragon. It would be draconis horibbilis. There are also what I call Drakes, but we'll get to that in one of the far-off sequels
*cue music* We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!! Have happy holidays, everyone!
Te he- thank you. Wait till we get past the 'break', it gets a looot more interesting from there.
I'll work this out in my post with Jabber's edits; look to that or my blog for this one!
Wphew- ok, let's wade through this, shall we? First, the problem is this particular dragoon isn't a he or a she- hence the use of 'it.' So, how do you replace it? <_< >_>
And what do you mean by 'try something other than mighty?' >.> Was that in the paragraph above?
To tell the truth, i still don't really know exactly where I'm going with him.
And yes, that sentence definitely needs a little switch-er-oo. I had it like that in the first draft, but since that one was so messed up I've only paid attention to what's in my head- not to mention the fact that when I first started and drew a map it was completely off. >.< so I'm really starting from scratch with it, except idea, setting, and characters.
Actually, I think I'm more utilizing what happened in the game to influence the story. Though a lot of this is my own ideas, like the dragons and the addition of certain characters, and after this let's just say it's nothing like the games except the basic concepts (monsters, evil dude, recurring evil...
Why thank you, my dear Tamora- I must say you do, too, and the fact that your username is the same as a favorite author of mine must say something for your cause.
Ok, Merry Christmas, happy New Year, happy Boxing Day- oh, just go have a good holiday season! XD
Sorry Gladius, I've got to go, I'll review the fourth some other time, from what i saw it looks great! i'll see you later.
Hey, Gladius! Ooh, a Christmas chapter? Exciting! I'll try to do as much as I can tonight. ^_^
So far, so good. Here, I'd switch the bolded period and comma.
It's dragoon here, isn't it?
It's a big dash.
Is it not dragoon?
Replace the dash with: ...horror, and an...
Why the dash? Delete it or, if wanting dramatic effect, use the triple dots.
I'd get rid of this. Maybe if she was actually talking, it would be alright. However, I don't think it's good to stutter a thought when writing as story. =/ That's just my opinion.
Lowercase the 'the'.
Comma, no dash. ^_^
Period or comma will do. Preferably period. ^_^
Join these into one sentence. Also delete the dash.
Comma rather than dash.
Again, period or comma rather than the dash. Use the dash more than the semicolon, but less than the commas. Always think about the commas. If the comma isn't appropriate, then think about the dash or semi. Also, this quote's tag needs to be lowercased with a comma rather than the period (same to previous quotes).
Period rather than dash.
Lowercase. ^_^
Forget my comments about the dragon/dragoon thing. ^_^
Again, comma and lowercase.
Very good! ^_^ There are still issues with the comma/dash/semi deal, but it's all good. Also your tags, but those are all easy to fix. ^_^
About your characters. You do pretty well except with Vanessa. You do alright with her. At first, you explain how she's this kick-butt girl that the soldiers are most impressed with. Then she runs away? I thought she agreed to company the Hero of Time. I am half asleep, so you probably mentioned it in the chapter without my realizing it. If that's the case, ignore this comment.
Other than that, you do well. Oh! Is Vanessa so special that wild animals sleep with her? o_O If so, I hope you'll explain later. I kind of wish I played the game so I had a better understanding. XD
Merry Christmas! I won't be around to crit for the next week.
Jabber, the One and Only!
Before I read the 4th chapter I'm going to review the third. Sorry I couldn't do this earlier, but it's Christmas, and the family's all here, I just don't have the time.
This might be diliberate, I don't know, he might be part of a certain tribe/group of dragons, but if so you need to tell us, otherwise it just looks like a spelling mistake.Right, here we go...first of all, great! You've kept the same style which can be really difficult, but then again, this is only the start, we'll see what happens further on. The plot is being explored and presented to us well, I'm being drawn in further and really wanting to read the rest, so good going.
I'm surprised that Jabber didn't pick this up, but quite frequently you've spelt dragon with an extra o.
There are a few sentances that are a bit bitsy,
this is more than a sentance, but the use of personal pronouns is a bit off, and makes me wonder who you're talking about at times. Try: He felt her mind tearing through his own as she spoke, ranting and raving at the dragon's utter failure to capture the Oracle. He didn't dare throw up defenses against her attacks or try to tossthe woman out of his mind. for at least the tenth time since he had been summoned from the Realm of Darkness by his new master, the mighty dragon felt powerless. That last bit just confirms who's view we're from and also gives some sense of how humiliating it is for him to be powerless, (you might want to choose a different word than mighty though) This also happens earlier in the first paragraphs as well as later on, just watch out for those pronouns!
i don't like how this flows, and I feel as if, because it's the end of the chapter, there should be more suspense. If so, when his usefulness has run out, I shall kill him...personally. you can really draw it out, and help develop the charactor out, into a thoughtful kind of man, which is what seems to be coming across earlier. that's only if that's what the charactor is supposed to be mind you.
So true! this plot is brilliantly original, but still (I'm sure) sticking to the game's. Being able to interpret a game's plot, or indeed any other media's plot, into a novel can be very difficult and you've pulled it off wonderfully.
Don't be embarrassed, it's true! you've really got some talent girl!!
Okie dokie, I've decided I will have a Christmas chapter. It may not be...exactly one of my best, but I hope it enlightens and stuns you.
*insert evil laugh here* Enjoy!
**********************
Chapter 4: Encounters
‘She’s worse than her mother ever was!’ Link lamented their second day out on the trail.
Vanessa had turned out to be a very headstrong girl, at least as soon as she had gotten over her initial astonishment that she was traveling with the Hero of Time. She had already challenged the other soldiers and won their respect by outsmarting one, reigning victorious in a wrestling match against another, and correctly interpreting a track before the squad’s leader could even glance at it.
It wasn’t these incidents that worried him, though— it was the fact that she had simply disappeared.
After the seven of them had pitched camp late that afternoon, Link had gone to find her so she could be included in a quick check of the area with the other soldiers. He had looked for her with the horses first, but she wasn’t there and the white stallion she had dubbed Seril was missing. When he didn’t find her there and asked the soldiers if they had seen her, he suddenly found himself with a problem. Both girl and horse were gone, and so were some of their provisions, but her bedroll was still at camp.
“She couldn’t have gone far, sir.” The sergeant assured, “She obviously didn’t leave with enough food to last for more than a day, or even intend on staying out overnight. If anything, we’ll find her out scouting alone.” The man sniffed deprecatingly; any good soldier knew not to go scouting without telling an officer and taking a spotter with them.
Link sighed. “Fine. Take Felix and Lysander with you and try to find her. If she took Seril, it can’t be too hard.” The soldier nodded, saluted, and jogged off to recruit his men to the task.
But the problem plagued him for another hour before he finally couldn’t stand waiting any longer. He rose from his place by the fire and walked over to the remaining two soldiers. “Guard the camp. If anything happens, head back to Lynna City.”
The warrior took only the Master Sword, his shield, and enough provisions to tide him over one night, in case he didn’t make it back before dark. He swung into Epona’s saddle and immediately set out at an easy lope.
******************************************************************
The dragoon knew what it had to do. It could smell victory as soon as it began to creep up to the clearing’s edge.
A young woman lay in the center of the clearing, apparently sleeping. Animals were curled up protectively close, supporting her even as she slept. The dragoon could hardly see her for the sheer number of animals between it and her.
But they wouldn’t be a problem. For all there was a full moon overhead, the animals would be groggy with sleep, and the dragon was wide awake. Its tongue flickered over jaws parted to show serrated upper fangs as it anticipated victory.
The huge creature stalked into the clearing, head low to the ground to remain eye-level with its prize. A squirrel here, a bird there- they were as nothing to its hungry jaws. But the fearsome bears it did not touch.
It reached a forepaw out to grasp the Hylian in its clawed grip, but the snap of a twig gave him pause. It looked back over its shoulder at the undergrowth it had only recently vacated.
Another Hylian girl stood there, staring wide-eyed at the gigantic beast. The dragoon’s sharp eyes fixed on the blade held in her hand. A warrior.
The girl had come to slay the dragon.
That could not happen.
With a roar the dragon lunged across the meager space that separated it from the Hylian. But when it landed, it did not feel soft flesh between its claws— only rough brush and fibrous plants. It whirled to its left, snarling, and saw the girl holding her sword up defensively.
It pounced again, and this time it felt its claws meet cold metal of the blade in her hand. The girl gave in easily to the dragoon’s strength and fell on her back. Her blade flew out of her hand and landed eight feet away.
However, the dragon had not counted on the bears awakening from their hibernation-like slumber. Its roar had woken the animals and the Oracle, who was strong enough for a few spells.
But to its surprise, it wasn’t an animal that leapt upon the dragoon’s back. A horse whinnied, and the dragon turned its head around to try to see the person on its back. But the person was too far up its neck to see; however he recognized the horse by a description its masters had given it.
The Hero of Time was here, and it was he who clung to the dragoon’s back.
A struggle to loosen the Hero’s grip ensued. The dragoon leapt into the air, corkscrewed, and landed hard on its paws, but still the boy held on. It felt his blade creeping closer and closer to the jugular beneath soft neck scales.
Finally the dragon jumped from the ground one last time, and with one beat of its powerful wings it had cleared the treetops. It mountain home in the north lay within its keen eyesight, and it was towards Northern Castle that it now flew with the captive bound to its neck only by the sheer distance below him.
******************************************************************
“Link, no!” Vanessa yelled as the boy leapt up the dragon’s shoulder. But he didn’t hear her, and before he could safely jump from the dragon’s back it had leapt into the sky. The beast quickly dwindled to a mere speck in the northern sky, and she lost sight of it in the falling darkness.
As she stood there, pure horror overtook her. Her shoulders shook, and her hands clenched and unclenched in a rhythmic motion. Tears that were all her guilt stung her eyes, threatening to fall. Her head bowed forward with the weight of her feelings: guilt, horror— an overwhelming sense that she had betrayed her country.
The Hero had just fallen into enemy hands for the first time in any world’s history.
And it was all her fault.
If she hadn’t run off to find the strange creature by herself, if she had asked Link for permission and taken a soldier with her, none of it would have happened. If she hadn’t let the creature hear her, she could have reported back that there was a dragon in the vicinity without- this.
If- if- if…
Vanessa shook her head violently, her hazelnut-colored pony tail smacking her face as if to pull her out of her sinking depression. It was no use going through a hundred “what if’s” when there was work to be done.
The frightened, blue-haired girl that was the Oracle of Ages walked shakily toward her savior, a hand on the two huge bears to either side. For all the Oracle was years older than Vanessa, Nayru’s blue eyes looked into the girl’s own with a look of childish fear. “Will he be alright?” The woman asked quietly.
The girl bit her lip. Should she answer candidly, or try to say Link would be fine so the Oracle would not have another worry on her already-full plate? Finally, slowly, she said, “Yes, Oracle- I believe he will.” After an awkward pause, she added, “Come on; we’d better get you to Labrynna before anything else happens.”
******************************************************************
He should have been delighted by Nayru’s safe return to Labrynna. But he wasn’t—because everything else had gone wrong.
The Mayor stood anxiously shifting from foot to foot in front of the double-leaf doors that cut the huge guardian tree off from the rest of the city. He scowled as General Zirren trotted up— five minutes late. He said as much to the general.
“Come now, Mayor- it can’t be that bad.” The dark-haired man assured cheerily. “What could possibly have go—” He stopped short when he saw the look on Mayor Penn’s face.
“Link’s gone. Missing. That’s why the Maku Tree’s summoned us.” The shorter man jerked his head toward the double doors. “Now go on and get in there— I’ll be right behind you. Maybe she can tell us why the boy’s suddenly disappeared.”
The general nervously darted into the Tree’s Grove with the mayor close behind, their feet splashing loudly through the shallow water that provided the Tree with constant sustenance. When they had come to a halt ten yards from the tree, Mayor Penn noticed a brown-haired girl nervously wringing her hands as she stood to one side of the Tree. Her head was bowed over so her ponytail fell to the left side of her face.
The Mayor couldn’t place her, though, so he turned his attention to the Maku Tree. “Great Tree, what is it you have to tell us?” He requested humbly, giving a quick bow.
“Mayor Penn,” the tree groaned, “an evil fate has befallen our most beloved Hero. Vanessa Satori tells me he was taken on the back of a great dragon to Northern Castle.”
“But, Maku Tree, weren’t all the dragons banished hundreds of generations ago?” Zirren queried hesitantly.
The Maku Tree sighed, her bark creaking with age. “Yes, General Zirren; you remember your history well. However, some have found their way back, and others can be summoned, crossing over from their world to reside in ours for however long their masters see fit. I believe it was one of these of which Vanessa speaks. For it was not only dragon, but dragoon.”
“A dragoon!” The mayor cried.
“Yes, Mayor, a dragoon.” The girl called Vanessa finally spoke up. He noticed her eyes were red-rimmed, probably from crying, though he couldn’t imagine why that would be.
Her voice dropped to a whisper as she described the beast, awe mingled with terror evident in her speech. “It was as large as my house, with wings at least as wide as the roof if every shingle was laid out on the ground. It had claws like shortswords and its breath was as foul as the eastern bogs. Its eyes— its eyes…” she shuddered, “it was like gazing at Death himself to look into them. All black— as dead as the deepest night, with a malicious glaze to them that makes your blood run cold.”
An eerie silence filled the watery glade. Shivers ran up and down the Mayor’s spine just listening to the girl’s narration. It looped over and over again in his head, and a little voice whispered a warning in his ear:
Beware the dragoon at sunset…
Beware the dragoon…
Beware…
Yay! The Zelda Gods are happy... XD (that's my personal ranking for the creators- aka, Shigeru Miyamoto and co.
Oops- typo >.> :X lol I'll go fix that... And I'm debating whether or not to put chap 4 up today...hmm...
Hey! I'm really sorry I haven't gotten to this.
I'm usually on top of my crits, but it's the Christmas season. ^^; I've been busy. But, here I am!
Lowercase.
I'm thinking we should drop the s. =/
It's awkward. I'll try to fix it, but you know better than I what you're trying to say. ^_^ It had found signs that the animals Vaden had told him about lived with the Oracle and had escaped before he even arrived.
Lol, you're using the big dash!! *hugs*
The comma doesn't belong. I think you're aiming for a dramatic pause. Use the triple dot instead. You might as well not come back...unless it is with her!"
This is getting interesting.
Very good so far, especially the characterization! ^_^ Here, I'd rephrase it just the slightest bit. "If the boy comes, and he becomes useless to us, may I fight him?" I think this sounds a bit better.
Your writing is marvelous! Have I told you that? It's excellent! And your choice of words is perfect! Except that word 'deafest' earlier, but it seemed to work fine. ^_^ Very nice! You can easily become a good critter!
I also agree with Tamora. I haven't played the games, though they've always looked interesting. Now I want to play them. You do an excellent job turning a video game plot into a novel, as if the novel came first. Marvelous!
I gotta eat. Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Ok, I know this chap's short but it should be very interesting.
*evil laugh* Enjoy!
Ok, stay tuned for Chapter 4: Encounters!
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Chapter 3: Dragonfire
The dragon’s head swept back and forth as it scanned the landscape that sped by beneath it. The trees were spread out like a red, gold, and brown carpet far below. The mountains in the north toward which it flew rose high and sharp against a cold, grey-blue morning sky.
But it hardly took this all in; Vaden was lashing out mentally at his incompetence. “You knew they would hear you! You knew the animals would interpret your intentions! You knew her guardian was there, and that Master wanted at least one of them alive! You know flying through trees creates enough noise to alert the deafest creatures of your presence!” She screamed.
It felt her mind tearing through its own as she spoke, ranting and raving at the dragoon’s utter failure to capture the Oracle. It didn’t dare throw up defenses against her attacks or try to toss the woman out of his mind. For at least the tenth time since it had been summoned from the Realm of Darkness by its new master, it felt powerless.
To turn its mind from the verbal beating, it replayed what had happened over and over in a dark corner of its mind where Vaden could not see its thoughts. The peaceful glen with its quaint little cottage had lit like a haystack when dragonfire touched it. The great beast had landed, its claws tearing up the turf like twenty workmen’s hoes, and immediately torn into the house before the flames could fully engulf it.
But there had been no sign of the Oracle. The dragoon had only found a frightened old maid, who promptly became its lunch. It had found signs that the animals Vaden had told him lived with the Oracle had escaped before he even arrived. This news had infuriated the apprentice— hence the woman’s present rampage.
“You might as well not come back unless it is with her!” With that, she finally stormed from his mind.
******************************************************************
‘That stupid beast! How Master tolerates it is beyond me.’ Vaden stewed with anger as she stood before the open window of her small tower room, facing east. Her master’s ‘useful pet’ had already screwed up, and it had only been summoned two days ago. ‘Its first mission, and already we’re behind because of that blasted dragoon!’
“Patience, apprentice.” Her master’s voice whispered in her mind. “All is not lost. We have attracted the attention of the Hero of Time, and he could prove…useful.”
“But he knows we are here! The cursed Tree has told him our position!” Vaden protested.
“So? He would know of us sooner, whether or not my dragoon had ‘screwed up.’ You worry too much, my apprentice.” Vaden’s eyes narrowed; somehow she didn’t trust her master, for all she had known him as far back as she could recall. “Think, Vaden— what have I told you about the boy’s potential?”
The woman sighed. “I know, I know. Still, he poses more of a threat than you care to admit. After all, he has defeated Veran, Onox…Ganon.” She shivered at her master’s reaction to the last name she uttered: pure, utter revulsion tinged by a strange awe of the beast-man who haunted Hyrule at Fate’s bidding. “And what of the dragon who tried to destroy our siege supplies? It didn’t go for the food at all, which is the strangest part. We lost three catapults, five towers, and ten ballistae. There has not been hide nor clubbed tail of that beast since then. Why do you insist on a continued search?”
“Patience, patience, child— all will be revealed in time.” Before she could question him further, he withdrew from her mind.
An hour later, after she had had time to think the predicament over, she tentatively touched her master’s mind again. “If the boy comes, and when he becomes useless to us, may I fight him?”
He master was silent a moment. “Wait and see if he doesn’t choose a follower. If so, when his usefulness runs out, I shall personally kill him.”
Manic laughter filled her mind. Vaden abruptly yanked her consciousness away with a severity that surprised even her.
**********************************
Aaaarg!! Italic is being a but...so the particular formatting I wanted won't come out. At least the dialogue is in italics.
Yay! Goodness comments!
Thanks!
You're both right, Jabber and Tamora- semicolons appear to be a weak point. :-X i'm working on lessening them in my next two chaps, but they may have been overly-replaced by long dashes. >.>
I see your point, Tamora, but the thing is I either describe too much or too little.
I used to write longer chaps, but [s]I guess when you're writing it it doesn't come out as long as it feels when you're in the middle of it[/s] they always seemed to turn out more choppy that way. >.> Hopefully when the story really gets rolling it will sort itself out.
EDIT: Also, any crit on the plot itself would be nice.
All righty, prepare for Chapter 3: Dragonfire tomorrow!
This is brilliant! I love it! I like the fact that even though it's based on a game, you've made it seem like it all comes from you're head and the plot is entirely your own. I havn't played the games, but (the creators will be pleased) I really want to now.
Once you've finished the whole story you may consider condensing it down so that two or three of the current chapters become one. The prologue's fine though, that con be as short or as long as you like, it's a prologue, they're supposed to set the scene, but not become part of the main plot.
I agree with most of what Jabber said, and I'm learning a bit too, (I've been having heaps of trouble with semi-colons too) the biggest thing I see is that there needs to be more feeling in it. there is feeling there, and the discriptions are there, but I want to become involved in the story more. Like Jabber said, I wanna play! I also want to feel pain that Nayru's home is distroyed, I want to feel uneasy about the woods being so empty of animals. There're some really good bits in here, the excitement of being asked to accompany Link is really clear and I like it, but there're still small bits that need work.
Your chapters are really small! I'm not complaining, it might feel better for you, but longer chapters tend to keep the reader interested, short chapters break it up and make it choppy. Even if you change views half-way through it doesn't matter, it still flows.
Other than those couple of things and what Jabber has said, it's great! I'm difinitely waiting for the next installment, PM me when it comes!
Yes, he's the Hero of Time, and respect would be accorded him- BUT *points to paragraph*:
You'll see why in later chaps (and the sequel to this) there isn't more than this.
Also: He he- this plays a VERY important role in the sequel. :shifty: Glad it made you go 'goosebumps.'
Jabber, question- have you played these games? Because I noticed you said:
There aren't newspapers in Labrynna or Hyrule. >.>
P.s.- stay tuned for tomorrow's installment of TWOD- Chapter 3: Dragonfire. ^.^ *evil laugh*
Hey, Gladius, m'friend! ^_^ Let's see what happens in your second chapter, shall we? *reads*
Hmm...way to just tell us! Lol. What was Vanessa and her brother doing? Tackling each other? Making faces? Vanessa Satori was rough-housing with her younger brother, Soran, when someone knocked on the front door. And don't be afraid to elaborate on this scene. Anyone else sitting in the room? Was dad reading the newspaper? Maybe the cat was amused with Vanessa's games as well? (not that they have a cat, lol.) When someone knocked on the door, all noise stopped and games froze. I, as the reader, want to have fun with Vanessa just like Soran is. I wanna play!! Lol. Make me smile. Soran can giggle and try to mimic Vanessa. There's so much you can do here.
She was so stunned, her brother began to whimper when she stopped playing. Something to make it more dramatic. Oh, maybe she held her breath? That's probably better.
Wonderful description! Lovely! Just one little something I'd like to change. Put a period where the semicolon is. ...the Hero of Time. Even though the boy wore...
No semicolon here either. ^_^
I thought he was the Hero of Time, lol. Maybe the mother should pay more respect and offer a seat for him to sit down? That's always the polite thing to do, as well as offer tea, but that's up to you, lol. And no dash after 'So'. It's fine as it is. ^_^
Woah, goosebumps! Don't put a full stop here. It might just be a typo, but it should be: ...why I'm here," he muttered. I'd mutter, rather than whisper. He has a voice. Maybe he's just talking softly.
I would put that big dash here, rather than the semicolon.
I might just be stupid, but this sounds awkward. =/ And a big dash, I would put. ^_^
How about "She swallowed a lump in her throat"?
I would put 'to battle' in italics and get rid of the dashes. The prospect of adventuring into the unknown, to adventure, to battle was too exciting of an offer to refuse.
It's "lose".
You full-stopped again.
I wouldn't put a semicolon there. Either a period or a big dash thingy. Also, I'd put her thought in italics.
Lowercase the 'the'. "...come in!" the mustachioed man greeted...
No dash. Comma. ^_^
Stop it! Lol. Lowercase it!
I'd use a comma, rather than a dash. And lower case the 'the'!! (I'm laughing, btw)
That should be a comma. ^_^
Hmm...some more punctuation errors. Try this: "I've been through more than scouting missions by myself without any trouble. Five should be fine," the boy said, adding, "as long as they're your best."
The last part is a continuation of the previous sentence. [i]Five should be fine as long as they're your best. You see?
Your writing is very good! Description is excellent, and the plot is developing well. Problems are mainly the first paragraph in setting the scene and your punctuation. Lol, that was funny. Anyway, very good and I can't wait to read more. Any questions, PM me or find me in chat. ^_^
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Ok, Jab, just for you- here's the second chapter!
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Chapter 2: Warrior’s Beginning
Vanessa Satori was amusing her younger brother Soran when someone knocked on the front door. Her mother laid her knitting aside and quickly shuffled out of the den.
Because the door was hidden behind a wall with an archway, Vanessa found herself unable to see the guest- though she did clearly hear her mother say, “Oh, good heavens!! What an unexpected honor! Please, come in and sit.” When the guest walked in, she was so stunned she couldn’t even gasp.
There was no mistaking the Hero of Time; though the boy wore a cloak wrapped around his shoulders to protect him from the sharp autumn chill, Vanessa could see a hint of the green tunic, and the fabled Master Sword’s hilt protruded from the cloak behind his left shoulder. A green cap sat atop his head, though it couldn’t cover the cowlick in his blonde hair or the pointed ears of a Hylian. His sea-blue eyes took in the living room in a swift glance that betrayed his warrior training; they locked with hers for a moment before he sat in a wicker chair with his back against the wall so he could see the small family clearly.
“So- what brings you to our peaceful home?” Vanessa’s mother asked as she retrieved the knitting and sat in her rocker.
The Hero of Time stared at the woman intently. “You know exactly why I’m here.” He whispered.
For the first time in her life, Vanessa saw her mother visibly blanch. The girl hushed Soran when he loudly begged her to pick him up and play horsie; she was intrigued by the knowledge the Hero and her mother seemed to share.
“The parents?” The woman asked in no more than a whisper.
“Dead.”
Her knitting slowly fell into her lap, through no fault of the woman’s hands; they were shaking violently. She gulped mechanically and averted her eyes from the boy’s piercing gaze.
“There’s trouble again. A darkness is emanating from the Northern Castle. The Maku Tree is sending me north with a group of soldiers, and she requested specifically that Vanessa come with me.” He said cryptically. “What do you say, Vanessa? Up for the challenge?” The boy stuck out a hand as he stood.
The girl had no clue how the Hero of Time could know her name, but the challenge set her heart racing. The prospect of adventuring into the unknown, to adventure, excitement- battle- appealed to some inner instinct, to a tie in her blood that knew it was the right path to choose. But she realized what she stood to loose if she left: her whole life was here- her mother, father, brother; it could all be torn away in an instant if the worst should occur.
An image of the sword that hung in her room flashed through her mind, and instinct won out. “I’m coming.” She accepted, clasping his hand in hers and shaking it.
The Hero smiled. “Good. I’ve already got provisions packed; all you need now is a weapon and we’ll be good to go. I’ll meet you outside when you’re ready.” With that, he strode through the archway and out the door.
He was waiting by a blood-red mare in the miniature courtyard in front of her house when she emerged with her sword strapped to her hip. The boy was checking the horse’s girth; he straightened from cinching it to speak to her. “We’ll stop at the Mayor’s house and recruit a couple of the soldiers before we head out, and you’ll need a horse from the stables.” He said, jerking his thumb over his shoulder at the red roof of the Mayor’s house. It was the only thing that showed over the natural crest.
“So, what am I going to call you? I don’t know your name- only your title- and it would be rather strange to just call you that all the time.” She asked as he reached for the trailing reins.
The boy laughed. “You’ve got a point. My name’s Link, if you must know.” He offered, walking past with the horse in tow.
They walked down the incline to the mayor’s house in an awkward silence, which persisted until Link knocked on the Mayor’s door.
Vanessa was startled when the short, pudgy man opened the door for Link; she had never known Mayor Penn to answer the door himself. ‘The secretary must be out.’ She thought.
“Ah, Link, come in, come in!” The mustachioed man greeted, waving the hero inside.
Vanessa had never been inside the mayor’s house before. The pair stepped into a wide, spacious ante room with a secretary’s desk at the far end- though the secretary herself was out at the moment. Cloak hooks had been nailed along one wall to accommodate guests’ outerwear in dreary weather. A door in the opposite wall allowed access to the Mayor’s personal sleeping quarters.
A man stood at one corner of the mayor’s desk. His attire marked him as one of the soldiers Mayor Penn had at his disposal- his general, according to the patch on his tunic and the helm held in the crook of his arm. The soldier’s dark eyes took in the newcomers curiously, and especially lingered on Vanessa. She averted her face, unusually shy.
“General Zirren, I presume?” Link greeted, his strange half-smile curving his mouth.
The General smiled warmly. “How’d you guess?” He drawled, shaking the Hero’s proffered hand. “I hear you wanted a few soldiers to explore Northern Castle?”
Link nodded. “Yes. I was just over to Nayru’s house a few hours ago.” He bit his lip. “It’s not there anymore. The Maku Tree says she can feel evil lurking in the northern mountains. She thinks whatever power is trying to find Nayru- or already has found her- is there.”
“Bad news- very bad news.” The Mayor muttered, sighing. “And I thought we would done with all this fighting after Veran.” He shot a hard glance at the Hero, as if Link was the reason all this was happening in his peaceful world. The boy shrugged apologetically.
“What’s done is done. All we can do is forge onward into this new fight and hope we make it out alive.” The boy said somewhat bitterly, arms crossed. On a lighter note, he turned to the general and said, “Zirren, I don’t need more than five soldiers- preferably mounted. And Vanessa needs a horse.”
The General nodded. “I think I can supply you with that much. Sure you don’t want more?”
“I’ve been through more than scouting missions on my own without consequences; five should be fine.” The boy declined, adding, “As long as they’re your best.”
“Nothing less for the hero of our world.” Zirren assured, giving Link a mock bow. Everyone laughed. “Well, I guess you’d better get going. Vanessa,” The general turned to address the girl, “I have this beautiful white stallion no one rides, if you’ll take him? Come around to the stable on the east side of town and you can try him out.”
Hey, Gladius! Since my brother is leaving my alone finally, I can review your work. ^_^
Not a good word choice. ^_^ How about "protectively" or "nervously".
Use a colon, rather. Either that, or two sentence and then adjust the second sentence with: "It was a Bokoblin..."
He had no trouble outrunning the Bokoblins and Moblins.
You use the semicolon way too much. It's a special little guy. You don't want to use it so much that your paragraphs end up one sentence long (not that I noticed any of them were). Like here, a period will work fine.
Oops! ^_^
Lower case. ^_^
Her leaves rustling quietly.
Put this in italics like you did earlier.
No wonder you haven't gotten so many reviews. Your writing is exceptionally good. ^_^ I didn't find many grammatical errors, which is always a good thing. You kept the story interesting. I wouldn't mind reading your next chapter, if you PM me. ^_^
The only thing you need to watch out (I think) is the semicolon. You use it way too much. It's a special punctuation mark and shouldn't be abused. Use it when you think you can really use it. Otherwise, look over this story and replace some of the semicolons with periods and adjusted sentences.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Well, I thought it was good.
I don't know how to describe it though.
note that i am very bad at trying to explain and describe...things.
All I can say that it was very good, and had very nice details.
Godd job! keep writing!
*wonders if she should just finish and post Chapter 2: Warrior's Beginnings* >.>