LoZ: the Golden Pendant (1.2)

I love the Legend of Zelda (even though I've only played Twilight Princess), and I was really excited to see this. But, the only problem I have is... shouldn't you have finished the first book first???

I read Wings of Darkness, actually, and it's really, really good! You HAVE to finish it! I'm serious! I know you started it probably two years ago, but now I have to read the rest of it or I won't be satisfied. (Don't leave me with the image of Link clutching desperately to the back of a dragon!) I only love suspense when I know it will eventually be satisfied. (And then I adore it.) Plus, that way this book will make much more sense as things progress - you won't have to explain things as much, because we'll already know the background.

For now, however, I'll review this piece, although I'd be very nerdily happy if you'd start up Wings of Darkness again. You have NO idea how happy it makes me to hear that you enjoyed TWOD so much!! Honestly, I'd love to get back to that story. It's gone through a MASSIVE replot, similar to what GP had undergone, and there's SO much awesomeness in store! However, this story is my true Project Baby, with TWOD being something of a prologue to this story. You won't have to have read TWOD to get this, although some elements from it might come up in this story. I specifically wrote the plots of the books in this series so they aren't co-dependent on each other for clarity. I hope that makes more sense as the rest of GP comes up. Nevertheless, thank you (thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!! *glompouncetacklehugs*) for the support!! ^_^

Tanya had been riding by herself for almost as long as she could remember, and been given permission to ride whenever she wanted since she was thirteen. What?? You just said she's been riding by herself forever and then said she'd been doing it since she was thirteen!

Tanya glanced warily around the forest, straining to hear the odd snuffling that had caused her to stop.

The same sound she’d heard yesterday. The last two sentences threw me off. At first, I thought you meant she was searching for the sound. Saying she was straining to hear it implies that she doesn't hear it in the first place. Also, describing the sound again is unnecessary. Maybe something like this would work better: "Tanya glanced warily around the forest, listening to the strange sound that had caused her to stop - the same sound she'd heard yesterday."

Again. Was having a bad writing day when I wrote this. ^^;; You're right. This does sound weird. I'll figure out a way to edit it and correct it in the draft. (Probably something like "glanced warily around the forest, straining to hear again the sound which had caused her to stop--the same sound she'd heard yesterday.")

Of course, it's also possible that Tanya wasn't hearing the sound in the first place but was seeking it out again. In that case, you shouldn't describe the sound as what had made her stop but rather as what she was looking for, and you don't need to explain that it was the same sound she'd heard yesterday, either.

After a time After a time? Awkward wording! Plus, how long is a time? A time could mean anything from a millisecond to a century! Noted. Will be changed when I come back to edit this portion. of restless waiting, Katara grew impatient and pawed the dirt trail. "Pawed the dirt trail" isn't very detailed. "Began to paw the dirt trail" or "Pawed the dirt trail, nickering unhappily" would work more smoothly. Honestly, I disagree. Your suggestions are basically what I've already said or have unnecessary wording. I appreciate the thought, though. Tanya pulled the horse’s head up to stop her and patted the 'her' would be better wording Eeeeh you're probably right. I just tend to dislike repetition, and I've got two other "her"s in this sentence already. ^^;; dark-haired neck soothingly, despite her own growing unease.

The rider snapped out what sounded like a curse word and spun his mare toward a pencil-thin track through the trees in front of Tanya. “No time to talk; we have to get them off our tails 'tails' should be singular, not plural, since they're both together[/color=red] [color=green]Again, you're probably right. xD *fixes* before I can properly explain.”

Despite the urge to howl in frustration and anger, Tanya gritted her teeth and kicked try 'urged' or 'spurred' - 'kick' makes it sound like she was trying to beat up her horse! Katara after the mysterious rider.

Very nice, in my opinion! Although there were a few poor word choices, your grammar and imagery was wonderful. You even used commas right, (and commas, or a lack thereof, usually really get on my nerves) for which you deserve an imaginary electronic high-five! *offers Gladius imaginary electronic hand to high-five*

Again, I love your descriptions and imagery! You avoid elementary words like "saw" and "with" and instead used image-building words like "surveyed" and "weilding". You made the whole story flow very smoothly - or wonderfully disjointedly when it was appropriate - and I'd love to see more work like this. Keep it up!

Hi there!

I love the Legend of Zelda (even though I've only played Twilight Princess), and I was really excited to see this. But, the only problem I have is... shouldn't you have finished the first book first???

I read Wings of Darkness, actually, and it's really, really good! You HAVE to finish it! I'm serious! I know you started it probably two years ago, but now I have to read the rest of it or I won't be satisfied. (Don't leave me with the image of Link clutching desperately to the back of a dragon!) I only love suspense when I know it will eventually be satisfied. (And then I adore it.) Plus, that way this book will make much more sense as things progress - you won't have to explain things as much, because we'll already know the background.

For now, however, I'll review this piece, although I'd be very nerdily happy if you'd start up Wings of Darkness again.

Tanya had been riding by herself for almost as long as she could remember, and been given permission to ride whenever she wanted since she was thirteen. What?? You just said she's been riding by herself forever and then said she'd been doing it since she was thirteen! She had never had an accident—though there had been some close calls—and enjoyed the solitude it offered when she was troubled.

Today’s ride hadn’t given her the latter yet. Nice transition! I love the use of the word 'latter' instead of repeating the latter part of the last sentence!

Katara had pranced anxiously beneath her the moment they left the stable area, chewing on the bit and flicking her ears erratically. Not wanting to lose control, Tanya decided to delay the usual gallop she liked to have as soon as they were on the trail, instead keeping the dark roan to a high-stepping trot.

Some five minutes into the woods, the rider reined in her horse. Both paused and stood still, listening, the back and forth movement of the mare’s ears the only sign of life from the pair. Tanya glanced warily around the forest, straining to hear the odd snuffling that had caused her to stop.

The same sound she’d heard yesterday. The last two sentences threw me off. At first, I thought you meant she was searching for the sound. Saying she was straining to hear it implies that she doesn't hear it in the first place. Also, describing the sound again is unnecessary. Maybe something like this would work better: "Tanya glanced warily around the forest, listening to the strange sound that had caused her to stop - the same sound she'd heard yesterday."

Of course, it's also possible that Tanya wasn't hearing the sound in the first place but was seeking it out again. In that case, you shouldn't describe the sound as what had made her stop but rather as what she was looking for, and you don't need to explain that it was the same sound she'd heard yesterday, either.

After a time After a time? Awkward wording! Plus, how long is a time? A time could mean anything from a millisecond to a century!of restless waiting, Katara grew impatient and pawed the dirt trail. "Pawed the dirt trail" isn't very detailed. "Began to paw the dirt trail" or "Pawed the dirt trail, nickering unhappily" would work more smoothly. Tanya pulled the horse’s head up to stop her and patted the 'her' would be better wording dark-haired neck soothingly, despite her own growing unease. “Easy, Kat.” She turned the mount so they were facing the opposite direction—toward home. “C’mon; let’s go back.”

Katara squealed suddenly, shying to one side and half-rearing in fright. Tanya yelled and tried to throw her weight forward to bring the mare down on all fours, but found herself rolling off her steed’s side. She hit the ground hard, jarring the breath from her. Only instinct saved her from Katara’s flailing hooves, as she rolled away and scrambled to her feet.

Her pulse pounded in her ears as the girl quickly surveyed the trail, which had exploded into action and sound. Huge boar-like creatures as tall as Katara had crashed from the undergrowth onto the path, wielding spears as long as Tanya was tall. Three stood around the crazed horse, trying to control it, while two others approached her from each side.

She kept telling herself she should run—move—anything to get away from them—but her mind seemed to have shut down momentarily, and her legs did nothing to obey her commands. The one on her left stepped one pace within reach of that amazingly sharp spearhead… That was about the most epic paragraph I've read all week. Awesome!

Tanya leapt back, eyes wide, as a light bay horse plowed past her. The monster fell to the ground, howling in pain and clutching a slice in its shoulder. Her head swiveled to the right as its fellow gurgled and tumbled backward, its throat open to the air.

As the horse wheeled to make a second pass, this time at Katara’s tormentors, Tanya could finally see its rider. The hood of his dark cloak had fallen back onto his shoulders, revealing a head of messy blond hair. He held a long silver blade in his left hand, now darkened with blood, and her expert eye caught sight of a quiver of arrows slung on his shoulder.

That was about all she could make out in the flurry of the fight and the short time she had to watch him. Katara came charging up to her, eyes rolling in fear as she escaped the boars that had encircled her. Taking a moment to calm the panicky mare, Tanya climbed back into the saddle and spun the mare to face down the path again.

Their unnamed rescuer took another slice at a monster attempting to poke him with its lance, wheeling his own mount around. "Follow me!"

Tanya didn't need to be told twice; following him was a better bet than staying here. Nevertheless, the sense of unease she'd felt—now something a little less than panic—never dwindled, even with the explosion of adrenaline now surging through her.

No sane person would be doing this. No normal person would have been attacked by other-worldly creatures and thrown into wild flight after an armed stranger.

Realizing this, it only took her a few more seconds to make up her mind. Tanya swerved off the main trail onto the first side path she came across, one which she knew would take her to another trail leading straight to her house. It was the only place that came to mind as safe enough for her to escape the situation entirely.

Entering the clearing around the house, however, proved her horribly wrong.

Tanya reined in Katara so sharply that the mare snorted in protest, but she hardly heard it. The sight of five enormous, armored creatures she vaguely recognized paralyzed her momentarily. As the first of the seven-foot-tall behemoths turned to face her, Katara reacted for her and wheeled back into the safety of the trees.

By the time they reached the main trail again, Tanya had regained her wits enough to squash the flames of true panic threatening to ignite in her chest. She pulled her horse to a stop again when the mounted warrior who had rescued her crashed through the brush along the path to her left.

One last slice felled the monster chasing him, and he scanned the area before settling his gaze on her.
Under the piercing blue eyes, Tanya could hardly think. “T-the house…”

He simply nodded and trotted his horse toward her. “I knew they’d have it surrounded.” He paused a yard or two in front of her. “I told you to stay with me for a reason.”

Regaining her composure, she scowled at his reprimanding tone. She opened her mouth to snarl a retort only to be interrupted by the ear-splitting bellow of a strange horn.

The rider snapped out what sounded like a curse word and spun his mare toward a pencil-thin track through the trees in front of Tanya. “No time to talk; we have to get them off our tails 'tails' should be singular, not plural, since they're both together before I can properly explain.” He cast a backward glance over his shoulder. “And this time try to stay with me.”

Despite the urge to howl in frustration and anger, Tanya gritted her teeth and kicked try 'urged' or 'spurred' - 'kick' makes it sound like she was trying to beat up her horse! Katara after the mysterious rider.

Heya.

I enjoyed this more than the first part, especially the tension at the beginning. You gave more reason to be nervous, although I found myself skimming a bit when you had Tanya stop and listen. Since you've already established this sound as strange, giving us a snuffling sound first would make that section flow a bit better, I think.

Second place I felt a bit estranged from the story was when she jumped away from the oncoming horse, after not being able to move just moments before. I'm not sure why, but it felt unrealistic to have a whole paragraph dedicated to how she couldn't move, and have her move very shortly after. Explaining that out would help flow and realism.

The chase scene kinda went downhill from there. It didn't feel that urgent throughout the piece, and it was difficult to imagine the monsters. In order for us to really feel the fear, spend some time adding description. If she's so scared she can only capture a few details before her brain shuts down, mention them. If she can actually take them in, then let us get the full scope of fear.

That's what's missing the most in the later sections— terror. You don't even have numbness, which surprised me. Or, maybe you do, but without a reason to know why Tanya (and therefore me) should be scared, it falls flat. You start picking up again a bit when she turns back to the house, but one of the lines of dialogue ("I told you to stay with me...") the warrior gives feels... forced? Emotionless? Your tags are a big part of that, because I read the dialogue and my first reaction was he said it softly, instead of growling. When I discovered that he growled it, I did a double take and couldn't shake the original interpretation from my mind. It would help if we got some sort of visual or vocal cue in the actual tags (like, when he walked up towards her) that helped me determine the voice tone. Since this is the main characterization point for the guy, it'd be nice to get a more solid impression.

I liked that you included a reason for Tanya to go with him, but I find his whole introduction was flat. Since I know the kind of editing that went on, my perception could be coloured, but I missed the solid impression we had of the warrior in previous drafts. He just feels there, in this one, without any physical expressions, characteristics, postures, anything. He truly felt mysterious, which I'm not sure works that well. It's difficult to get any grasp on his character because there's barely any indication of even his voice— which is surprising for you. Since he's going to be a major character later, I'd like a bit of a stronger connection here.

The above is what happens when you let me ramble. Anyway, I still find you're on your way to a good start, but it's lacking some details and emotions to really make it stick.

Drop me a line if you have any questions.

~Rosey

If it was purposfully made a new paragraph, use ... if not, just check the formatting- use preview.

And by brush, do you mean bush?

Ooooh! This is really good! xD I loved it.

She pulled her horse to a stop again when the mounted warrior who had rescued her...

... crashed through the brush along the path to her left.