Six (but really seven) : Chapter 2

Ooh, I just realized this chapter's also been sitting in the green room, so I decided to check it out! ^^ I'm excited to get a little more exposition; I really love your story so far c:

Sloane sighed. With her already meager salary, student loans, almost reasonable rent, as well as extra bougie splurges like groceries and electricity, she’d saved up for nearly four months to buy a ticket. Hopefully it would be worth it.

Omg poor Sloane xD I loved this part because it made her seem like a very realistic and tangible character, so I think that was nicely done!

To see the Mages up close -to see them perform spells… Sloane had only ever been self taught. Her father gave guidance where he could, but that wasn’t frequently.

I love how we get to see how interested in magic she is. I feel like that may be one of the main driving forces of this novel

How could it be? He, like every other ordinary person in the country, didn’t have magic.

I'm so glad her father tried to help her learn about magic instead of telling her to not lean about it and keep it hidden from the world. That way, Sloane won't have an Elsa moment xD

It had been a power outage at just the right time. Her twin brother read as non-magical, so they didn’t bother waiting to test her after the machine turned off, along with all the hospital lights. Sloane sometimes wondered if anyone had died because of that. Life support required electricity, after all.

OHH so they get tested omg, that just added a deeper layer to this story. While the last part about the life support is such a random though, and can be found humourous because it's random, it did feel a bit out of place to me. Since she's talking about a more serious subject, I think expanding on that instead would've been more helpful. Just my personal opinion! ^^

Sloane had done her research on them. It wasn’t difficult, they were more famous than any band or actors.

In order of seniority: Naeem Wickensworth, Ray Elmond, Rose Hitchcock, Effie McCarty, Marshall Greenridge, and Julian Kibideaux.

For me, this section did seem a bit info-dumpy. Perhaps because it's a lot of names thrown at the reader at once, and it most likely won't stick. Maybe you could key in onto a couple of those people and talk about something important/revolutionary/infamous they did? Just a suggestion! ^^

Afternoon came and went. Sloane didn’t engage with the festival much, but she observed most of it. She wanted to visit the nearby old town before the Mages’ performance.

Even if Sloane didn't really engage that much with the festival, I would love to know what it was like as a reader! c: Was it colourful? Was there music playing? What kind of music? How many people were there? Mostly young or older people? Just some more thoughts for you c:

“Okay. It’s just, you were in an awful big hurry. Someone bothering you?” he asked.

Sloane rolled her eyes and turned towards the center of the festival.

Rip, he seemed like a nice guy xD

I feel like this chapter's events went by in a blur. We were at the festival, then at a village, then an unknown guy comes, and then she's back at the festival. I think it would help to slow down and describe each scene a bit more. What exactly did the village's architecture looked like? You mentioned it, but you could elaborate on it c: You could also maybe go into more detail of her being chased. How her heart was jumping out of her throat, or how the harsh wind bit her face, or just the setting and weather and things like that.

That's my main suggestion that I have for you! Overall, I really enjoyed learning more about this world that you have set up. Sloane seems like such a relatable and tangible character. I like the way you've characterized her through tiny things, like shopping sprees cx I also love how you added an element of mystery with that unknown guy coming up. Very suspenseful indeed!

I really enjoyed reading this chapter, and I hope to read more form you! I hope this helped!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Harry here to leave a review!!

First Impression: Hmm...so I read the first chapter of this I believe and I decided to come back to take a look at this chapter too. It looks like this one is in a different viewpoint which certainly opens up quite some possibilities about this book. The chapter itself seems to be pretty interesting and shows a different side to the equation we saw earlier so I think its a pretty good idea to do this.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The Mages’ festival would be a gimmick if it was actually arranged by the Mages.

But it hadn’t been.

Complete strangers, people who had never even seen the Mages, would be setting up their tents and stalls and stages.

Okay...well...I hope that's a good thing at least judging from the tone of voice there. Well let's see how this turns out.

Sloane sighed. With her already meager salary, student loans, almost reasonable rent, as well as extra bougie splurges like groceries and electricity, she’d saved up for nearly four months to buy a ticket. Hopefully it would be worth it.

Wow, that does look like a lot of commitment was put into it, does a wonderful job of showing just how much this thing means to others by including that detail so great job there.

To see the Mages up close -to see them perform spells… Sloane had only ever been self taught. Her father gave guidance where he could, but that wasn’t frequently.

How could it be? He, like every other ordinary person in the country, didn’t have magic.

Hmm...well that brings up some rather interesting ideas, looks like more people are starting to discover magic.

Sloane was lucky -lucky? - to have kept hers.

It had been a power outage at just the right time. Her twin brother read as non-magical, so they didn’t bother waiting to test her after the machine turned off, along with all the hospital lights. Sloane sometimes wondered if anyone had died because of that. Life support required electricity, after all.

I'm pretty sure there are plenty of contingencies to keep the life support from failing but yeah that does sound quite lucky.

The festival spread out before her. It had already been going since the morning, for all the people who arrived early, at least. Most folks would come and go just to see the Mages.

Sloane had done her research on them. It wasn’t difficult, they were more famous than any band or actors.

Wow, so they are supposed to be super famous, well that's an interesting detail to know.

In order of seniority: Naeem Wickensworth, Ray Elmond, Rose Hitchcock, Effie McCarty, Marshall Greenridge, and Julian Kibideaux. They had their own gated community in the city where they lived and practiced. They were heroes of the nation, revolutionizing systems all over, but never, so it seemed, for everyone. Everything the Mages did, they did for profit and fame. Sure, they could cure cancer. But wait! Is that even legal? Oh well, guess they had no choice but to reserve it for the rich and the powerful.

Ohhh...well the mages certainly don't seem to be very good people at least judging solely on that, any further judgments of course would need to have more data which we don't have considering this is still chapter 2.

It made her angry. People with the possibility, and permission, to do something doing nothing.

That's certainly quite fair.

She set down her pack with a sigh. One night - that’s all she had to do.

Stay one night in a tent at a festival.

Well...looks like she's about to cause some chaos, that much is certain.

She didn’t have to talk to anyone, she didn’t have to set up any expectations. She just had to stay the night in a tent.

What could possibly go wrong with that?

It was a bit of a walk - nowhere near how far she’d walked to get to the festival, though! This time she enjoyed it. This time there were no people to bump into. The village had been empty for years, according to the festival pamphlet, and no one knew if magic resided there or just on the hilltops.

The architecture reminded Sloane of 14th and 15th century European villages.

Well that promises to be quite an interesting village, it also looks like Sloane comes from quite far away judging by how she appears to have walked quite far.

Twisting streets with no real sense to them, low walls against bare rock faces, houses built into the hill itself. There were balconies and overlooks everywhere.

On one such overlook sat a bell. Sloane approached it, interested. It was taller than her, golden (though not made out of gold), and she doubted she and another could wrap their arms all the way around the bottom.

That's a pretty decent description you've got there.

The bell had been resting on the ground for a long time, evidenced by the sprouting grass at the bottom.

Well that's a lovely detail there and her deducing what that might mean was also good to see because you can tell what kind of person she is.

It felt cold and mostly smooth, like a bell should. She wondered when it had last been rung. Where was it hanging before coming to sit here?

That certainly seems like a bell with quite a history behind it.

A tall figure loomed not two feet away: taller than anyone else she’d ever seen.

That wasn’t all, though! The stranger’s features -and entire body- were obscured by ragged, dirty, presumably old tied rags. A strange symbol in red paint marked his forehead. It looked like a few letters thrown together.

The stranger swung one massive arm. Sloane barely ducked in time. What the hell?!

Oooh things getting a little more interesting than I was expecting it to, well, well well. This should be quite a bit of fun.

She ran under the arm and past the stranger quickly, then down the streets of the village, leaping over walls and somehow not twisting her ankles. She could make her way out as long as he was slow. How far back to the festival? Was there security there? Her boots tore up dust from the dry ground of the plains. It was getting dark now, she couldn’t see any features of the ground: just the distant lights of the grounds.

Oooh, well that was a surprisingly quick transition into a chase sequence...I would have liked something just a bit more gradual than that.

She glanced over her shoulder. No one was behind her except the parking guide she’d already passed. He gave her an odd look.

“Uh, are you alright?”

Hmm...well at least she is safe although we still don't quite know if she's the good guy or the bad guy.

“Fine,” Sloane said. She stood and brushed off her knees, then checked that her necklaces were okay. The young man nodded.

“Okay. It’s just, you were in an awful big hurry. Someone bothering you?” he asked.

Sloane rolled her eyes and turned towards the center of the festival.

The Mages would be making their performance soon. The whole reason Sloane had come here was about to begin.

Well...looks like the fun is about to begin and it did seem like she was a bit rude to this dude. I mean he was only trying to help and she doesn't even thank him?

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this is a really interesting chapter, especially with that strange person chasing her which I think might just be a setup for something later. Well, I suppose I will find out in later chapters. For now, this is all I have to say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry