i reside in a mine full of rubble and empty dreams
a place you used to fill with bright diamonds
hopeful pearls
peaceful amethyst
and i cling to this stone you left behind
letting my fingers feel inside to understand
the pain you went though to get there
i feel the rough edges of the amethyst and the
smooth exterior and remember that
it is now a time of peace and healing for my
amethyst heart
it consumed you until you were nothing
but i believed no matter how far gone you were
a piece of you would remain in our hearts
you left your mark on this materialistic world
by seeing the good in the people you met
from the deepest canyons to the peak of Everest
you touched my heart like nobody else could
even when i lost faith and ran out of love
your bright personality shone a path for me to follow
and i thank you
i thank you for making me smile with the stories
you'd tell that nobody could believe were true
but something about you made me
doubt my own intuition
i thank you for giving me and my family
something to look up to when we feel a sort of
dullness in this damned world we live in
i thank you for fighting until the very end and
reminding me that this life isn't
the end
and now when i walk the house you once called home
i find myself feeling the inside of the amethyst stone
feeling the rough edges and reminding myself
to be at peace and to trust that
one day i'll see you again
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey, GalaxyUnicornz! Storm here for a review, so let's jump right into it!
Throughout the entire poem, you didn't have much flow. I think it's mostly from some of the awkward endings you had on your lines. It was choppy.
You also didn't use enough imagery in my opinion. You just told; you didn't show. In prose, 'show don't tell' is a very very common criticism that writers will hear. However, it is even more important in poetry. The definition of poetry is "literary work in which special intensity is given to the expression of feelings and ideas by the use of distinctive style and rhythm; poems collectively or as a genre of literature." (I got that definition from Google) To express your feelings, you can't just say "I'm sad." You have to describe it. A poem elaborates on those two words. A poem says what can be said in two words, but by elaborating it, it heightens the emotion felt.
This line goes against your own poem. The person you're talking about 'left their mark on this materialistic world,' but you mention your amethyst heart, a piece of jewelry. I'm not calling you materialistic, but this line does go against a lot of your poem.
Overall, this poem wasn't bad. However, I feel like it would have been better as a letter or an essay. I understand that you miss the person that you're talking about, but this doesn't make me miss them too. I don't think that you cared about making others feel the same way you do, so I think writing this as a letter or an essay would have been a better choice. I just don't think that poetry accomplishes the goal you're aiming at.
Feel free to pm me or reply to this review if you have any questions. I'm happy to help!
~Storm
Legacy here for a review.
I love this poem. I see nothing wrong with it. The shaping of the stanza is like waves and it looks nice and appealing. The apparently unintentional rhymes of "home" and "stone" helps wrap all of this together.
I love how this poem tells a story about someone (romantic or not, doesn't matter either way) coming into your life; meeting your family and being there for you. Said person died, and you thank him for the way he changed your life and looking back on what was good about your life with him in it.
That's all I got. Nothing I see to correct. It is very appealing.