Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
Conner
Mom and I are sneaking through the shadows of a forgotten peach orchard when I hear the gun shot. I ignore it like I have so many times before but the sound of the girl’s scream became too much for me to set aside.
“Mom, that’s a human screaming… I think it’s a girl,” I whisper into her ear using the hushed tone I have grown accustom to using. It has been 4 months since the disease that now controls our world broke out. Survivors are rare and at this point there is strength in numbers. The odds of an 18 year old and his middle aged mother making it alone for much longer isn’t looking good. “Maybe she has others with her, I think we should-”
Momma buts in. “Hell no Conner Blake, We need ta’ worry ‘bout ourselves, not every call for help we hear!” she begins in her thick Georgian accent.
“That’s what I’m fucking trying to do!” I grab my machete from her pack and race toward the noise before she has a chance to go at me again. Through the sound of my heart pounding I hear her footsteps behind me as she loudly crunches on fallen branches and leaves but she makes no move to argue. Good, ‘bout time the stubborn woman listens to me.
We finally come upon a small metal shed with about 6 Lost Ones scratching at the walls oblivious to our presence. I motion for mom to take the back of the building with only 2 lost ones. She looks mighty fierce with her own machete in hand ,salt and pepper hair hanging in her face hiding her emerald eyes, but I don’t like to put her in these positions unless necessary. We charge in simultaneously and it only takes seconds for us to decapitate them. At the sounds of our blades slicing through flesh and the lack of scratching outside the shed its occupants grow silent. I press my ear against the door and hear the labored breaths of someone doing the same on the other side. I step back as Mother gently raps her petite, battered fist on the door.
Margret
The gentle knocks on the other side of the door suggest the origin is a woman but I cock back the hammer of the pistol anyway, you can’t trust your own hand now days much less a stranger. Dad and I are pressed against the wall behind the door as he gently rocks my unnamed brother back and forth in his arms to quiet the clueless infant into a mute state. I carefully unlatch the door. It creaks open and I step into the doorway with my pistol raised right to the forehead of a tall, tan, toned boy with a priceless look on his face and heartbreaking green eyes the size of saucers. Funny how I hardly notice the machete wielding woman behind him.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, maleficent here for a second review!
I really liked this first line, it enticed me to read on!
Always, always, always write numbers!
'lost ones' should have capitals.
Apart from that everything was good, but everything else was mentioned.
I'm sorry I couldn't give you a longer review, but I think you've actually changed some of the errors mentioned in the other reviews.
Keep writing!
First off, it should be "butts in". Also, I think the end of this line reads a little awkwardly. Instead of simply saying "she begins in her thick Georgian accent", which is cumbersome to your story flow, consider working it into the narrative. For example, "Her thick Georgian accent grates against my eardrums" or something like that. Just a suggestion.
Whoa. Now this is sort of a long sentence, and overly-long sentences are hard on the reader's brain. Let's break this sentence down to simplify it. For one thing, the adjective "loudly" becomes unnecessary when you mention that A) he can hear her footsteps over the sound of his heart pounding, and B) she is obviously crunching over a good deal of noisy stuff. That's a good example of showing instead of telling.
Next, I would suggest moving "but she makes no move to argue" to its own sentence. When you have a very long or descriptive sentence, breaking it up can keep the reader from getting an overload of information in one line. Plus, it keeps your story flow fresh if you vary up the lengths of your sentences.
One thing I noticed about Conner is that he calls his mother "Mom", "Momma", and "Mother". Most people have one way they generally address their parents; it's usually influenced by the person's upbringing, so to me "Momma" sounded the most natural for Conner's background. Again, this is just an opinion, feel free to ignore it.
I like your characters so far. I'm a huge advocate of having interesting main characters, and you have a good cast from what I can tell so far. Conner's mom definitely sounds cool. I'll be interested to see how these folks interact with each other.
As far as the plot goes, not much happened in this section but I understand that it is all in one chapter, and you're establishing the characters at this point. But I gotta say, I'm interested in seeing what kind of plot you have in mind.
Good work, and keep 'em coming. I am interested.
Hey there! There are quite a few grammar mistakes in this chapter, but a few more read throughs will catch those. I agree with Skins that the opening and closing lines are excellent. There contrast is really interesting too, between "peach orchards" a familiar homey, comforting place, versus a woman with a machete. I like how you're slowly revealing more about how this apocalypse came to be. Right now the readers are still a little in the dark about exactly what the threat of the Lost Ones is. Are they killlers?, do They spread the disease, are they cannibalistic? I think we also need more physical descriptions at least of the Lost Ones.
I think you did a good job describing Conner, it's a good technique not to describe every single detail about the person, but focus on a few key features, because the reader will know what a person looks like, we just need to know what's different, or unique about them. Like you do by describing his 'heartbreaking green eyes the size of saucers." I think it's ok that the Margret part is much shorter, just because I think the chapter sizes should be more based on what's happening, where's the scene change, not equal character coverage time. So don't add unnecessary information just for the sole purpose of giving each character fair play time.
And thank you for breaking this one into paragraphs too! Way easier to read!.
I think it's interesting how Margret already seems to sort of dislike her brother, or think he's a burden. Maybe there's some animosity because her mother just died in childbirth.. Well I hope this review helped a little!
~alliyah~
Hey there, Gabrielle, I'm here to review your chapter!
I really like this! Opening lines are very important, and I love this one because it has the shock factor and implies that there is action to follow.
You need an apostrophe in girls so that it's girl's
You need a comma after girl rather than a period/full stop
As the rest of this chapter is in present tense, this wasn't needs to be isn't. As Conner's mother butts in to stop his dialogue, I'd also suggest putting a dash (-) or something to signify his mum interrupting him.
The comma after buts in should be a period/full stop. You also need a comma after Conner Blake, and an apostrophe at the beginning of bout
This should be goos, 'bout time the stubborn bitch listens to me.
You need an e at the end of petit
Doorway is one word, you need commas after tall and tan, and there is an e and the first I in wielding
Even though this piece was a short one, I thought it was a very enjoyable read. While the whole apocalypse, zombie thing isn't the most original idea, I think there is a lot of potential for you to make it your own. So long as you avoid cliches and stereotypes, I think this story could be a really good one. Even though we haven't seen an awful lot of them, your characters seem interesting thus far, and I'm interested in seeing how they develop and progress throughout the novel. Now as for critiques, I do have a few things to mention so I'll get straight to it!
One thing I want to mention is the relationship between Conner and his mother. I don't really understand it. At first I was like, "okay so they're mother and son, they seem pretty close, and I'm sure the whole apocalypse thing will have made them even closer." Then though, I find myself reading a rather blunt line where Conner refers to her as a stubborn bitch, and I was really shocked. I mean, I'd never dream of even mentally referring to my mother as that, let alone if she was all I had left in the world when that world was a massive mess with danger around every corner. I became even more confused when a bit later, Conner seems to be careful to make sure his mother is safe while he approaches the shed. It's just that it's all very contradictory... To be honest, I just think you should cut out the line where he calls his mum a stubborn bitch, and this problem will be solved.
Something else I'd like to suggest is that you make Margret's narrative longer because as it stands, its noticeably shorter than Conner's. They don't have to have equal lengths in terms of their narratives, but I think you should make Margert's longer because whilst I fell like I know Conner relatively well, I don't feel like I know Margret much at all because I haven't had the chance to see much of her. You don't have to necessarily add any events to what happens in Margret's narrative, but perhaps you could add more detail. By adding more detail, we readers will get to know her better and empathise with her, which increases the overall impact of the chapter.
I don't think I actually have anything else to critique... There were a few grammatical mistakes here and there, but nothing disastrous and definitely nothing worth stressing over. So yeah! Good job overall, and if you have any questions or comments regarding my review then please don't hesitate to approach me. Just reply to this review, post on my wall, or DM me and I'll be more than happy to answer any questions you have.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins