Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Marcy
You would know the damn girl has a gun raised to my baby’s forehead and all he can do is gawk at her the useless dumbass! Their eyes meet and you can plainly see they are both hormonal ass teenagers happy to be in one another’s presence but the girl makes no motion to lower her weapon so I have no choice but to speak up. “I’m Marcy this is Conner. Is it just you in there?” I whisper gently to the girl whose eyes and face are red from sobbing. I notice the crumbled body of a Lost One in the back corner of the shed and she is a woman about my age who resembles the girl in front of me perfectly and then I hear the infant cooing softly. Realization overcomes me and it hurts to look at the pore child playing the role of her now dead mother.
The girl glances at me, gun still raised “No, it isn’t just me. Put your weapons down and we will come out nice and easy.” She takes a step forward the barrel shaking slightly. We place our blades on the ground, taking several steps back. A man with broad shoulders and dark hair to match his eyes steps out cradling a newborn, still covered in blood but contempt in who I assume is his father’s arms. The man is an inch shorter than Conner who towers over everyone, and perhaps a few years older than me. His brown hair sticks in stings to his forehead wet with sweat and his dark eyes tell a story of a broken man. “Hello, I’m Adam and this is my daughter Margret and my son…” he trails off losing focus for a moment glancing back at his forever lost wife. Margret understands and starts where he left off, “He hasn’t got a name yet, we appreciate y’all saving us but we will be going now.” Her gun still hasn’t moved from Conner so once again I speak up. “Now dear I was a nurse for several years. I’d be more than happy ta’ hava’ look at him.” As soon as the words escape my lips Adam is handing over his baby and Margret stares at him like he just through the baby into the Nile.
Adam
Marcy carefully takes my pride and joy. Then pulls a blanket and wash cloth from her pack beginging the tedious work of cleaning the infant. Once he is blood free and cooing happily at his new care-giver she begins looking over him and finally swaddles him in the blanket. “He needs things we don’t have but I know where we can get them. There is an old doctor’s office a few miles from here where I use to work. They use to have a room full of donations to teen mothers: diapers, formula, bottles, clothes, etc. If you’ll travel with us I can take you there.”
I open my mouth to agree but I notice Margret’s glare and think better of it. She takes me by the arm, “Will you excuse us for a moment?” she looks at Marcy and reaches for her brother reluctantly before turning dragging me to the other side of the shed. ”Daddy are you completely insane? We don’t know anything about these strangers! She could be planning to steal him and kill me and you we have to be careful!” she was absolutely livid.
Margret
I was whispering harshly to Daddy about him being careless when I feel the strong warm hand gently touch my shoulder. “Is everything alright? We weren’t tryin’ to stir up a stink, if it’s a problem we’ll leave.” Conner begins in his deep southern accent, his voice sweet like honey. I turn and look up at him, his crooked smile trying to hide the hurt in his to-die-for green eyes. A rust colored cotton t-shirt is stretched snugly across his chest and his wrangler jeans are specked in blood but damn he still looks good. I want so badly to rap him in a hug but my arms are inhabited by a baby at the moment. I’ve always had a soft spot for Sothern boys and that’s one thing the end of the world hasn’t changed about me.
“No, everything is fine I really appreciate your offer to allow us to travel with you. Thank you.” My lips betray my gut but following my heart and I’m almost as shocked as Daddy by what they just uttered.
We go back around the shed to get Marcy and our own bags before setting out on our 5 mile walk. Marcy and Daddy walk side by side down the gravel road leading the way, machete and pistol in hand and packs on their backs. Conner and I hang back he is carrying both our packs and his machete while I cradle my brother. Conner can’t keep his eyes off me and I can’t help but wonder about my appearance. It has been months since I glimpsed my own reflection. I tilt my head allowing my smut black hair to form a curtain around my face. Conner notices, reaches over, and tucks it behind my ear his hand lingering on my cheek causing them to blush. What had gotten into me?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey, maleficent here!
I got you for Secret Santa, yay!
This sentence is very long and it could with some breaking down.
Their eyes meet and you can plainly see that they are both hormonal ass teenagers, happy to be in the presence of one another. The girl makes no motion to lower her weapon, so I have no choice but to speak up.
I'm Marcy, and this is Conner. Are you alone?
Just a personal suggestion!
If the character is whispering, the reader will already assume it is gentle.
I whisper to the girl who eyes now match the redness of her face.
Comma 'forward, the barrel..'
A man with broad shoulders and matching dark hair steps out, a newborn baby cradled in his arms. I assume he is the child's father, for the baby seems content.
Marcy carefully takes my pride a joy before pulling a blanket and wash cloth from her pack. Afterwards she begins the tedious task of cleaning the infant.
The majority of other errors seem to be mentioned below, however I do think that you've got something good here. I enjoyed reading it and definitely think that you're going to go on to become an even stronger writer, but just watch your paragraphs!
Happy Christmas in July!
Thanks so much for the review.
TheGoonerGirl here to review your chapter!
I have to say, I've really enjoyed reading your story so far. Each part has me enraptured and I have to finish reading them. Your title also caught my attention and I think it's a perfect fit for a zombie apocalypse novel! I also think how you change the style of writing for each character as we see through their eyes adds to the reality and adds to the interesting atmosphere. It also tells the readers what type of personality your characters have. Your little vivid descriptions and imagery bring the story to life.
However, there's always room for improvement and it's the same with all the other writers! I'll get started with your punctuation as I've noticed you are missing commas here and there:
There needs to be a comma between "useless" and "dumbass".
There needs to be a comma between "Marcy" and "this".
This is one huge sentence altogether that needs to be split up into smaller sentences. I believe that one or two words need to be taken out as I think they interrupt the flow of the story. This is what I would do if I were you, but please don't take this into your account as you are the author, it's your decision and I'm not the writer. It's just a suggestion of mine:
Here, I've broken up the sentence into two or three sentences
Now for your paragraphs.
This paragraph is incredibly big and needs to be split up into smaller paragraphs as different people are speaking. One of the rules of writing is that you have to begin a new line if someone else is speaking. Also, a warning to you: a lot of people on YWS are said to skip huge paragraphs such as this.
This is what the paragraph should look like. Ignore the writing in italics as they are the explanations of why it is a new paragraph. Minor errors that have been corrected are highlighted in bold:
What is Margret glimpsing her reflection in? This part confuses me as I do not know where her reflection is coming from.
Overall, I think this story is fantastic and I love it. The plot of the your novel sounds fascinating and the type that zombie apocalypse fans would be enraptured by. I believe with that writing like this, you have a great potential to become a fantastic author. I would love to see more of your novel!
Hope I've helped.
Happy Writing!
This looks like a great start for a book, but there were a few slight problems.
First, You seemed to start out of the blue. What are the lost ones? You didn't really introduce any characters, or anything. There were a few minor grammar mistakes, like in the beginning paragraph, you missed a comma in
You would know the damn girl has a gun raised to my baby’s forehead and all he can do is gawk at her the useless dumbass! Their eyes meet and you can plainly see they are both hormonal ass teenagers happy to be in one another’s presence but the girl makes no motion to lower her weapon so I have no choice but to speak up. “I’m Marcy this is Conner. Is it just you in there?” I whisper gently to the girl whose eyes and face are red from sobbing.
You need a comma between gawk and at her. You need another comma between her and the. Also, I didn't really get the "Hormonial ass teenagers". It's fine to try to emphasize some words, but I am not sure putting ass in it will do much. Maybe you could just get rid of ass? Your choice.
Other than that, Awesome start, and ill be watching you! -Andy
It's the third part of the chapeter look in my folder the lost ones this is my 3rd post in that book thanks