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Young Writers Society


12+

Kevin and Shoko - Chapter 3

by GLaDOS


Kevin woke up with a crazed look in her eye, as if for a moment, she felt insane. Kevin sat up and looked to her right, her vision and mind returning to normal. She didn’t know what might’ve happened.

Kevin placed a few gentle taps on Shoko’s shoulder, and she woke, sitting up right away. She wasn’t a deep sleeper.

Shoko had the most frightened look in her eyes, as if she had a horrifying dream. Shoko gazed into Kevin’s eyes with that same look, and blinked. As soon as she did so, the look in her eyes returned to normal.

“Dude, what the hell?” Kevin threw her hands up into the air.

“What…?” Shoko gave her friend a confused look.

“N-Never mind.” Kevin let out a sigh and jumped up onto her feet, stumbling a bit but landing almost perfectly.

“You know I hate when you do that.” Shoko complained.

“Do what?” Kevin returned Shoko’s confused look from earlier.

“You’re concerned about something, but you play it cool like it doesn’t matter.” Shoko explained with her arms crossed.

“Got it from my mum.” Kevin shrugged and headed deeper into the forest.

Shoko rolled her eyes and got onto her feet, then following after her.

“Please don’t tackle me again.” Kevin laughed at Shoko as they ventured through the forest together. In the distance they could see sparkling Northern Lights in the night sky. It always seemed to be night in this place, and there would always be millions of shimmering stars.

Shoko wondered how that could be, the millions of stars all around them. It seemed they’d just fallen through a hole to get there, but they ended up coming out of a pond. Shoko questioned this whole thing, and proposed the theory that they were dreaming, or she herself, was dreaming.

“There’s no way.” Kevin responded with an eye roll.

“Of course there is a way, you may not even be real at all.” Shoko insisted with a shrug.

Kevin shoved Shoko onto the ground with a huff.

“Did that feel real?” Kevin smirked.

“Ew, don’t make that face,” Shoko cringed, “And yes, it did feel quite real.” Shoko rubbed her sore arm with her hand.

They walked for awhile, until those specks of light suddenly returned. Shoko smiled as they landed on her shoulders and open arms. Kevin flailed her arms and shook them off angrily.

“These stupid things, what do they want!?” Kevin hissed at them immaturely.

Shoko could hear whispers in her ears, she grabbed hold of Kevin’s lips to shush her, and listened to the magical and harmonic whispers of the beautiful creatures. They sang in her ears, and she could see something in her mind.

It was this same land, but there were people there. Then in a flash, there was a creature in the distance, a large black shadow. Shoko didn’t know what it was, but the people seemed to be fleeing from it. The people were beautiful with skin of pale blue and white, these people seemed to glow, showing light in the dark.

Shoko produced the theory that these people lit up the land, and they were trying to escape the darkness that was this colossal shadow.

Shoko knew why they had been tempted to the ditch, they were there for a reason, and apparently this land needed specifically them to help. Maybe it was some sort of message sent to them by someone, and Shoko was determined to find out.

“Let them land on you.” Shoko demanded.

Kevin rolled her eyes and let her arms slump down to her sides with the sound of a clap.

Shoko watched as the the colorful luminescence of the specks landed upon Kevin’s shoulders. Kevin couldn’t stifle her smile, for the specks of light were too beautiful. She could hear the whispers as well, they were filled with joy, sorrow, and many other emotions. Shoko could tell Kevin was seeing the memory, for she had a horrified look on her face.

Thousands of beautiful creatures being overtaken by darkness and despair. But Shoko wondered, How could this land still exist? Is there a way to kill this shadow thing? But her questions couldn’t be answered.


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Fri Oct 30, 2015 9:02 pm
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RagingLive wrote a review...



Hello, dahling! RagingLive here as promised, if not a little bit later than I would have hoped! :/ Ah, well, can't stave off life, can you?

First of all, nice opening! You drew me in with the fact about how Kevin felt insane! Brilliant plot I'm detecting here!
I do have a few little nitpicks and then we can move this out of the Green Room for good!

I too, didn't quite care for how short this chapter was, especially since you introduced the climax, as ParanormalMyth said. You didn't have very many typos at all, but I did find a place where you could make the meaning more clear.

Kevin placed a few gentle taps on Shoko’s shoulder, and she woke, sitting up right away. She wasn’t a deep sleeper.

The last line quoted doesn't seem quite right to me. I think that since Kevin knew just how to wake Shoko means that she knew Shoko wasn't a deep sleeper, so I'm going to suggest that you phrase it kind of like:
"She never had been a deep sleeper."

“What…?” Shoko gave her friend a confused look.

Just for sake of reading ease, I would remove the ellipses here since it's just a question and Shoko doesn't say anything else afterwards.

Is there a way to kill this shadow thing?

I would advise you to say 'shadowy thing' instead of what you have now because it sounds more dramatic, don't you think? If you don't, that's okay too! :wink:

Not a very long review, but I hope that it helped some!
I hope I can get to a few more of you chapter today or at least sometime soon! Don't forget to keep tagging me!

Keep writing and keep on smiling!! :D
~RagingLive




GLaDOS says...


Thanks Rage. I have to put the novel on pause right now due to NaNo, but hopefully I can keep going.



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Sat Oct 03, 2015 12:39 am
ParanormalMyth wrote a review...



Heya, xJupiter! This review is probably going to be pretty short, because I don't have much to say.

While this chapter wasn't my favorite, it was still pretty great! I like that the climax has now been introduced, because before I honestly had no idea where exactly this story was going. This chapter was kinda short, but that's not a huge deal. My only though was that most of this chapter focused on Shoko. That's fine since she's one of the main characters, but I still thought that maybe having a bit of Kevin's thoughts may have been a nice addition. But I'm also not sure how well that would work.

and apparently this landed needed specifically them to help.

I think you meant "land" :)

Have a great day, and I'm sorry this review is so short!

~Myth :)




xJupiter says...


No worries about the review. And I fixed my little mistake, oopsies...!

Thanks for following this novel! I really want the story to get somewhere as well.



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