Kevin and Shoko attempted to come up with a way to communicate with Aileen due to the fact that she was a survivor of a deadly apocalypse. Shoko crossed her arms and grabbed them on opposite sides, shivering slightly.
“You okay?” Kevin asked as she prodded her lightly on the shoulder.
Shoko simply nodded, not wanting to get in the way of the mission at hand. Shoko looked up at Aileen and tilted her head slightly in curiosity. Aileen tilted her head in return, mocking the human.
“Eheh, what’s she doing?” Kevin said with a chuckle.
“Dunno.” Shoko placed a finger on her lip, initiating her “think mode.”
Aileen stared directly at the buttons on Kevin’s plaid shirt. Aileen grabbed one of the buttons from the bottom and pulled at it, causing Kevin to jerk forward slightly.
“What the—!?”
Aileen successfully pulled the button out and studied it closely. Kevin threw her arms up in the air in confusion.
Shoko jumped up to grab the button from her but failed, for she was too short. Aileen smirked at her and held the button up higher, raising her arm to make it more difficult. Shoko groaned and gave up, plopping down onto the ground. Kevin stared into Aileen’s eyes assertively.
“Listen up, you have some information about the black shadow thing, so either tell us or show us.” Kevin demanded with a scowl on her face.
Aileen let out an inaudible sigh and nodded. She motioned for the two to follow her out of the cave. So they did, trying to keep the same pace as her due to her legs being incredibly long.
As they walked, Shoko noticed that the scenery had somehow become less saturated than before. She cocked an eyebrow at the area around her and became more aware of this. She then stepped next to Kevin and whispered in her ear.
“Look at the topography.” Shoko demanded.
“Smart words—do not know mean.” Kevin said with a chuckle, waving her hands around.
“The scenery. The color is,” She paused, “Grey-er.”
Shoko watched as Kevin’s eyes widened at the change of color. Kevin looked to Shoko, a bit of fear in her eyes.
As they walked, the scenery only seemed to get worse and worse. There were dead animals lying around as well as a giant crater.
Aileen moved her large hand in front of the two girls to stop them. She slid down the crater wall and stayed still for a few seconds, then motioned for them to slide down after her. Kevin shakily stepped forward and tripped over the top of the crater.
“Agh!” She screamed as she fell down, landing on her stomach.
Shoko simply cackled at the top of her lungs, sliding down the wall after her. She helped her up and patted her on the back, trying to stifle her laughter.
“Eh, you okay?” She asked with one final chuckle.
Kevin breathed quickly and heavily, wanting to be fine but she knew she wasn’t. Kevin simply nodded, avoiding eye contact with her friend. They both slowly walked toward Aileen, Kevin holding onto her stomach and Shoko trying to keep her up with an arm.
Aileen whipped around and stared at Kevin’s stomach and motioned for her to come forward. Kevin bashfully did so, and Aileen slowly lifted up her shirt. She studied the large bruise on her stomach and reached towards it, gently placing her palm on it.
Kevin felt a sharp sting in her stomach, then a feeling of pure comfort. Her stomach began to glow slightly, but Kevin wasn’t looking at it. Her eyes were closed with an innocent smile on her face, blushing cheeks, and a small giggle.
“What are you doing?” Shoko questioned, looking to Aileen with a tiny smile.
As Aileen could say nothing, Shoko could only assume that Aileen was healing her or somehow making her feel better.
The glow of Kevin’s stomach soon gave out, and she returned to the normal smirk on her face. Kevin looked up to Aileen and embraced her. Aileen was a bit confused, but shrugged it off and embraced her in return.
While Shoko and Kevin were still amazed at what had just happened, Aileen continued to study the crater. There was a small hole in the middle of the crater with what seemed like smoke coming out of it.
Aileen reached down the hole and pulled out a large red gem. She held it up so the girls could see, and handed the gem to Shoko. She handled it carefully and held it in both hands.
Shoko was a bit confused with how a gem would have anything to do with a huge shadow monster.
Aileen wanted to tell her what it was but she couldn’t. She did want to find out how to communicate with them as it would be beneficial to the mission.
Aileen snatched the gem back and tapped on it a few time. A little screen popped up out of the top of it and showed an image. It was an image saying to place the gem in a very dark area to create the shadow monster, and once that was done, the gem would appear between the shadow monster’s “eyes.”
“Wait, so if this is here, that means the shadow monster doesn’t exist anymore. So what are we doing here?” Kevin questioned her with a cocked eyebrow.
Aileen simply let out an inaudible sigh and shook her head, not sure of how to explain that these gems could be upgraded into things more terrifying, so the monster could still be out there, and could be even more powerful.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey GLaDOS! Love your username by the way. I haven’t read any of the previous chapters, so this review will focus less on plot and more on grammar/etc.
First off, you have an excellent vocabulary and do really well to vividly describe the actions of the characters. Like seriously, great job! That being said, I do agree with the other reviewer in that you could weave a bit more description into this chapter.
I know you said you have previously described the scenery in other chapters, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t completely stop with it. The above description is pretty much all I have to go by. All I was imagining while reading this chapter is a giant lunar-like crater with dead animals everywhere, and it isn’t exactly the most pleasant of pictures.
What in the scenery became greyer? What made it seem this way? Was the sun more dull, the trees more ashy, the sky a cloudy grey?
Instead of just saying there was a giant crater, what did it look like? Was it very rocky, dusty, deep?
What did the large red gem look and feel like? Was it cool to the touch, multifaceted, dull or shiny?
Of course you don’t have to re-explain your entire landscape each and every time, but little tidbits of imagery here and there never hurt anybody. Fantasy novels truly benefit from the added description.
Sometimes, your writing seems a little too stiff and formal, if that makes sense. Take your opening line, for example.
This sounds more like it belongs in a summary court report with how it’s worded. Perhaps that’s just a preference of writing style, but I think it could sound more fluid if you replace the “due to the fact that” with something less factual, especially since this is a fantasy story. For example:
Instead of saying “due to”, try out different wording. You could write: “So they did, trying to keep up with the pace set by her incredibly long legs.” In my opinion, it sounds less like an observation and more like a story description that way.
As a last suggestion:
A closing quotation mark is only preceded by a period when there is no dialogue tag that comes after it. Otherwise, you need to use a comma, as you would instead of the period in this situation. I recommend you review quotation mark rules; there are several websites that offer immense help!
Overall, you are a fantastic writer with a solid story. Your characters interact realistically and, for this chapter at least, the story seems to be flowing at a steady pace. I love their names! Keep up the awesome writing and best of luck
Mav
Thanks, Mav. And yes, that makes sense being that this is a fantasy story. I'll definitely keep in mind that I need to make things fun and describe things a little better.
I appreciate the review!
Atsmai here on review day! I'm jumping in without reading the other chapters since I have nothing else to review but here we go!
The first problem I have is that there's /barely/ any description in here. There could at least could be some description in here compared to barely none at all. But I get it if that's not your strong suit.
What your strong suit is, is dialogue. I enjoy listening to your characters talk and how you convey their emotions like a cocked eyebrow that I might actually see someone give me when they're asking a question because they're naturally silly.
What I can say is that your strong suits are strong but your weak spots are very lacking and I'd rather see it well rounded. The characters are likable too, you can relate to them with real people.
Review over can't do it too dizzy.
There's not a whole lot of description because I described the scenery in the last few chapters.
Thanks Atty!
I mean, mostly. But yeah, I could've described it a little more.