Kevin and Shoko had been walking for what seemed like hours, looking for someone who could give them more information about the massacre.
The specks of light followed them, singing in whispers and floating around their heads. They whispered in their ears a strange name.
“Do you know what they’re saying?” Kevin questioned Shoko.
“Eh, no.” Shoko shrugged and attempted at listening closer.
Shoko let out a powerful sigh and grabbed Kevin’s hand, pulling her through the forest. They walked for hours and hours on end, like they always did in this place.
“We’ve been walking for hoooouuuurs.” Kevin said lazily, slinging her arms around Shoko with a dumb look on her face. She yawned thunderously, spit flying out of her mouth and into Shoko’s ear.
“Eugh, you idiot!” Shoko shoved her, and Kevin simply laughed.
“Pardon my saliva.” Kevin guffawed.
“Your saliva is not pardoned.” Shoko grinned slightly and proceeded meandering through the forest, looking for something besides the same scenery over and over again.
There’s a pond, there’s a tree, there’re some Northern Lights. Oh wow! I’ve totally never seen that before!
But soon they came upon a rather large cave. It was dark, wide, and had many stalagmites rising from the ground. It looked intimidating and dangerous, but the two already knew it would lead to something they could benefit from.
With a quick pace, they both raced into the cave, bumping into each other to slow the other down.
Once they ran down a good bit of the cave, they came to a dawdle, then to a stop.
It was dark, but the outside light shone in just enough for them to see, or maybe it was the ominous green fire ahead of them which was giving them light.
“Yep,” Kevin began, “Nope.” She whipped around and began to head toward the exit, but Shoko grabbed her shoulder to stop her.
Kevin sheepishly grabbed hold of Shoko’s hand and let out a sigh, prowling toward the fire in a careful manner. They noticed a pastel-blue glowing figure sitting before the fire, weeping quietly.
“It’s one of those people from the vision.” Kevin whispered to Shoko.
But the creature overheard, and whipped around, her long braided hair flinging around the front of her neck. She (at least, she appeared to be a she) appeared to be shocked and very aware of her surroundings.
Kevin and Shoko managed to hide behind a stalagmite in the nick of time, and peeked around it to study the creature a bit more.
The blue-skinned creature stared at the stalagmite with narrowed eyebrows, waiting for any sudden movements. She knew there was something behind that stalagmite, but she remained there in case the creatures would harm her.
“What the hell do we do!?” Kevin mouthed inaudibly as not to raise suspicion that they were there, but the creature already knew.
“We confront her and apologize for trespassing, there’s gotta be some reason in this creature.” Shoko said with a nod and gallantly revealed herself, pulling Kevin out with her, to the creature.
“We come in peace.” Shoko held a hand out to the creature and Kevin simply made the Vulcan Salute.
The creature tilted her head slightly, but shrugged it off and stood tall. She was monumental compared to the two girls, and even they were close to six feet.
“Jeez,” Kevin exclaimed, “You’d be a good basketball player.”
Shoko rolled her eyes and looked the creature over. She had three slits on both sides of where the human ribs would be, almost like gills. Shoko assumed that was a way to breathe, since the slits would open and close every few seconds.
She had braided black hair with a single white strand, two slits for her nose, and lips a slightly darker shade of blue than her skin.
She had the chest of a human covered by a brown tunic, but the slits were exposed. Shoko assumed that if those were covered, she wouldn’t be able to breathe.
She was like an upgraded version of a human. She was obviously stealthier, stronger, and seemed a whole lot smarter than the two girls before her.
“Aileen.” Shoko stated.
“What?” Kevin looked to her with a cocked eyebrow.
“We’ll call her Aileen.” Shoko said as the corners of her lips turned upward slightly, remembering the whispering in her ears from before.
“I like it.” Kevin smiled back at her, then looked up towards Aileen.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
hello, happy review day. Without reading any chapters prior to this one, I already really liked the sibling-like relationship between Kevin and Shoko a lot. It was adorable how they started off bickering, but then as soon as a potential danger appeared, they had this sense of urgency for each other.
Furthermore, the suspense is nicely done without getting too much to make it soap-opera like, it's really well done. The ending was...unique in a good way. Taking it piece by piece:
No idea what this massacre is, but just this opening sentence alone is very enticing and interesting. Already I find myself wanting to read back and find out what the plot is about.
Right, so forgive me, but unless you already introduced these specks of light in the last chapter, I'd personally change "The" to however many specks of lights there are. If you already did, you can ignore this suggestion, heheh.
The dialogue and first gesture doesn't match Shoko's second action here. A shrug and an "Eh, no," to me reads indifference, like she doesn't care much what that light is...but then apparently she does care, as she goes to listen closer. That seems off to me.
“We’ve been walking for hoooouuuurs.” Kevin said lazily, slinging her arms around Shoko with a dumb look on her face. She yawned thunderously, spit flying out of her mouth and into Shoko’s ear.
This is my favorite passage, because like I said, I enjoy the sibling relationship between the two. I have trouble picturing Kevin as a girl though, because of the name and the fact that she acts like a typical annoying little brother, heheh. Shoko smiling at the end was a nice touch, too.
Why would they want to slow each other down?
Kevin's reaction to this was pretty priceless :p
Overall, your characters are great, especially between the two of them -- I found the dynamic between the two of them to make for a very interesting narrative. Although I can't say much on the rest of the plot, this thing about a "massacre" and looking for information about it seems interesting. Keep it up, I'd like to read more.
That's what I was trying to do with the name Kevin, to show that it's not just a boy's name, and it can be for everyone. I quite like that I did that.
They were slowing each other down because they were messing with each other.
I really appreciate the review! I'm glad you made this lengthy and helpful. Thank you! c:
Hey, Meda here for a review~
This is a really interesting premise. I'm curious and I like that you didn't reveal too much too quickly.
Some of your dialogue feels a little bit forced to me. Remember, the best choice is often the simplest: in the case of dialogue, it can be a really good idea to go with the word said. Said is a word that we see so often it just feels natural to the human brain, and we can skip over it for the (hopefully) more interesting dialogue.
I also felt like the plot was a little bit rushed. Some of this could easily be solved by adjusting the dialogue early in the chapter to contain a little bit more exposition. I like to describe the setting and actions of the characters while they're talking. It takes up space, sounds polished, and slows the pacing to a more realistic and manageable level, plus adding a good space for discussing thought processes and the details of a characters words and backstory.
Remember the classic rule, show don't tell!
Thank you for sharing!
Thanks! This helped me out quite a bit. I appreciate the review!