The Devil of Hell rises high
Tearing down every single walls of defense
Devouring the naked souls that were once alive
Pouring in hatred and greed, leaving no trace of innocence.
As the sun fades away into the horizon
And the winds cease to blow
A trail of melancholy and alienation drapes upon
A beautiful, dying girl no one knows.
Dress fluttering over the debris
She kneels down and looks up to the sky
So every angels above can see
That she's begging for them to hear her cries.
Her face, drowns in a river of tears
Her lips shape itself into a frown
While she recites her story so they can hear
Of how the Devil brings her down.
She recites about her family, lover and friends
How her love for them can never be destroyed
Until the Devil breaks loose, bringing them to an end
Leaving her here, heart turning into a void.
As the last words and breath fall out of her mouth
Thousands of angels weep in the dismay
For they can understand clearly now how
The dead girl felt when she prayed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
This is Kaos here for a review.
Before I start the poem I'd like to say that I don't quite know if you intended to have stanzas in this but if you did, they got messed up in the Publishing Center and a way to fix this is putting your lines together and then hitting shift+enter but if that's too vague you can use "~" to indicate a new stanza/in-between stanzas.
The first line doesn't really make sense, do you mean "The Devil of Hell"? And if so, I don't really think "devil" needs capitalized here. You start all the lines with "ing" verbs which could get a little repetitive but here I just think that it made the lines have a harder time connecting with each other.
One thing I think you could have added to this poem are images that aren't really thought about when people think of "Hell". Instead of using the imagery that other people have already kind of made with the naked souls and the angels there. Describe how it looks, is it a sort of pit? What's the atmosphere like? What does it smell like there? What does it sound like there? Is it pure silence or is it constant noise? I thought it was interesting and a sort of cool choice that you decided to leave out fire, which is usually a depiction of what the place is.
You have periods throughout the poem and I didn't really see why they were there other than to serve the purpose of "oh this thought kind of ends here" but there wasn't any punctuation in the poem so I suggest you take them out and sort of divide these into stanzas or to add more punctuation to it. Following up on this, I think you should go through and connect the lines better so they don't feel so singular and alone here and kind of build up or use the other lines like stepping stones instead of kind of having to jump topics.
The part with the girl in the poem was probably some of the weaker stuff here and I think I enjoyed it more when it was describing the surroundings or other things because the stuff with the girl felt kind of general and I think an idea to try or think about is the process of her losing her family and all the like, or you could go more into depth about that.
I hope this helped and have a great day!
Hi
I love the poem. It is fine and simple. You have emphasized the emotions and the pains inside the girl though the title of the poem suggested something else. At first i thought it is all about the devil and no other characters but you proved me wrong. Even i like these lines
"As the sun fades away into the horizon
And the winds cease to blow
A trail of melancholy and alienation drapes upon
A beautiful, dying girl no one knows"
This is the most beautiful and lovely part for me. you have described the slow death of the young girl (physically and mentally) with the darkness spreading all around.
so, overall i loved the whole idea. I guess if you practice little more you will come up with more great ideas and words. I personally enjoyed the poem. And I'm eagerly waiting for some more.
Thanks for the review! This is my first draft, and i'm planning to make it better!