The man who would give smiles away
Once there was a city, just like any other city in which you might find yourself. It had its streets, its buildings, its sidewalks. Its residents, who would walk them safely all day, stopping occasionally to exchange a few words with the passer-acquaintance. It had its little children, who were playfully running who knows where, following their games, and trying to calm bugs in their heads, full of urgency and foolishness. Sometimes a child would stop, and pulling the sleeve of a passerby ask him what humorously mischievous question, and then hastily ran to his companions, as the man would not pick up a stick over its buttocks.
This town had its shops also, businesses, its railway station even, and everything else you would find in any other ordinary city. Its residents loved their city and were proud of it. They were always cheerful and smiling, ready for a joke, but also for work. Of course! It was not one of those cities where lazybutts live. No, no. Here everyone knew what his job was, and no one had any
defect in its fulfillment.Yes, it was a perfect city. Without blemish. The city where it was nice to live.
But would you agree if I told you that there was no reason for such luck. Oh yes, indeed there was. Specifically, in this city lived a nice, old man. No one knew his name, but there was none, neither old nor young in this town who did not know the old man. He lived alone in a small house on the outskirts of the city. He's not always lived there, but no one, not even the oldest inhabitants could remember when he came there and where from. When asked about his past, who he was and where he came from, he replied with a slight smile: "From the distance, child, from far afar.", And that would be it. But despite this, they all loved him.He spent the days walking the streets, welcoming everyone with sincere smile, most sincere that you can imagine. This combines with even more gently wave of his hand and look from his eyes, his, like the sky in a sunny day blue, benevolent eyes, and this act was circled regards the whole and did not need him to add a single word to supplement, because it wast enough for you to sort out all the worries that kept you up to this point, and that you might be tortured by. It was that smile, something magical, something you do not see every day. And part of that magic would remain with you all day, or even two. There was nothing that could spoil the mood and gloom your day now. Sometimes the old man would stop and exchange a few words with any other ailing old man, or a concerned mother, and they would then receive from the old man's words so much joy that they would remain in the good mood and singing for the rest of the day, a week or even a month. Yes, yes, so much the old man had the power in his voice and smile. Why? Now, that I would not
ask because you do not need to know the answer. I do not know what makes it so special, and whomever I asked, couldn't give me an answer. Maybe it's magic lay in the old man's origin, which
was a secret then and is now. Who knows! If you'd just force me to tell you something, my idea would be that this is due to the sincerity and compassion that have supported the old man's laughter. I think that's it. But maybe I'm wrong. If you were to find out the exact reason, please tell me because I would love to know.
However, that was the reason why the inhabitants of the town were always cheerful and eager. They had their mysterious old man. He lived long in this city and its people payed luck, until one day one boy stopped him. Running up behind him, pulled up next to him and pulled him by the sleeve of his coat, wincing twice cheery. The old man lowered gaze and stared at the boy's face. The boy stood still, his head raised towards the old man. Watched him with large black eyes, hidden under high forehead, because the boy was troubled by the glow of the sky. Did not say anything, but he still had
the old man's sleeve. A fire was burning in the boy's eyes, and the old man was able to read from them with certainty that there is nothing in this world that could ever to put it out. The expression
of satisfaction floated up lightly on his face, and his heart started pounding harder. The boy watched him a few moments, and then, without a word, ran away, and disappeared just as quickly as
he had appeared. But the old man was still standing, looking in the direction in which the boys feet lost. His mouth slowly spread into a big smile, and he spoke quietly to himself: "Now I can move on."
It was the last day that the old man had spent in the city.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
This story was written in the form of a sort of moral story or myth. I like this very much. However I expected there to be some sort of hearty moral that would befall the citizens of the city, you described it as being perfect which instantly lead me on that there would be this one flaw, however there was not which left me sort of hanging funereally. And by funereally I mean un-eagerly.
You have a few formatting problems in here in which you are in the middle of a sentence and then suddenly it skips a big gap. I know this is not your fault and it is the annoying publishing centre, but go back and fix those up because they are really throwing.
Some phrasing I thought could be re-phrased was at the beginning. Personally I liked the beginning the most but I felt you used 'It's' in referral to the city very heavily. For example you could phrase it like so instead:
"It had its streets, it had its buildings, it had its sidewalks."
I feel like putting had back in there consolidates it, but this is arguable as technically it is more correct without it, but personally I feel it sounds better.
As I said before I very much liked the beginning but I feel at the end I am not sure where it is going. It seems to change pace very rapidly and suddenly turns from generic third person to first person. Fables can be like this but I feel like you need to introduce the first person more subtly or address the reader.
I am unsure what happened at the end with the kid. I know something happened that meant the man was no longer needed and he could leave the city/ pass on, but what exactly happened is unclear, I have no idea what the boy did.
The balance of detail was perfect. I liked the vagueness and generic and you didn't swamp us with over descriptions.
I really enjoyed this but I think you need to slow down on the ending and not rush into it so much. This is a very good story and could have a good impacting moral if it was made more clear.
Hi! I really enjoyed this story...
I liked how it was written in the form of a parable or fable. And I also like how you didn't name any of the characters. I have this pet peeve: I hate naming my characters. I don't know why; I just feel that they become less real and pretentious somehow if I name them. Have you read Rebecca? I loved how the main character in Rebecca was unnamed throughout the story. And I felt a glow of satisfaction as I read about your unnamed characters. I guess it added to the sense of mystery created by the enigmatic old man.
There's one slight problem with the tense in this sentence:
"This combines with even more gently wave of his hand and look from his eyes, his, like the sky in a sunny day blue, benevolent eyes, and this act was circled regards the whole and did not need him to add a single word to supplement, because it wast enough for you to sort out all the worries that kept you up to this point, and that you might be tortured by. "
I think it should probably be: "This combined with the even more gently...."
I also would have liked to know more about what the old man was looking for exactly...maybe a little back story, though not much because I understand that you wanted him to be mysterious...but that's your wish really.
Overall I really loved this piece...you really managed to create the atmosphere and effect of a verbally told story, perhaps around a campfire...I'm looking forward to reading more. Good luck!
Thank you very much for suggestions, I haven't even thought about describing the old man, but now I thing it would be a really good idea
I know what you think about that name-giving, I feel the same way. I only give names to characters when I want reader to connect with his personality specifically. And I'm still not quite sure with tenses, because my language is very loose and gives much more freedom with them and the form of the sentence.
Thanks for the review, it is very helpful
Perhaps this is my personal loss, but I did not find a real story within this piece. All I got as a story line from this was that there was a nice city that had a nice, old man. This man then met a boy and decided that could now leave the city. The End. For me, there is no real story within this. A story could be made from this if some actions were added, but, right now, this piece is only a description of a city and a man.
Without actions, this is just a long page of descriptions, but if I were to judge the descriptions, I would say that you did a fairly good job. The wording of the piece was fairly good, but could definitely be improved. The point was shown, but the power behind a story is all in the words we choose. Because of this, the word choice is important, and I think you should review over your piece and change any wording that is not as powerful as it could be.
There are also some general typos and English errors. I do not think you need me to quote and correct every error, so I will not do so. I will just point out the concepts of such errors. Some typos are present, but you also have some major sentences that either need punctuation or need to be split up. Most of your problems seem to be in your punctuation or sentence lengths and flow.
Also, many of your paragraphs break into the next paragraph mid sentence, which is simply not okay. Some of your lengthy paragraphs are unrelated, and breaks should be made into new paragraphs rather than having a massive, broken paragraph.
Overall, I did not find a story in this piece. I could comment all day on the quality of your description, but without actions, there is not much to this piece. Perhaps take this concept and add to it, and I could see it having potential. Play around with it, and see what you like. Keep writing!
Thanks for the review, it's really helpful and I appreciate your sincerity. Picked up some literature in English for the summer to work on my eloquence. Cheers