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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
This poem made me laugh a bit, it's been years since it was written, but the meaning still resonates!
(You may be wondering why I'm stopping by, and it turns out you reviewed one of the first works I posted on the site, and so because of the checklist challenge I'm here to review something of yours!)
So on the meaning ~ I interpreted this poem/song to be a lament about how the speaker's having a hard time connecting to their old friends because the old friends are off in facebook world and can't seem to pay attention to them or real life. The person feels disconnected and so in a "hail mary" the speaker attempts to jump into some social media inspired lingo - like the censored swear words and traditional ~ "I'll go get lit". The final line really made me laugh.
I think there are a few improvements that could be made ~
You were a bit inconsistent with the "facebook" vs "Facebook" - so a 2nd look to clean those up would help out to make the poem seem more polished.
Then I also think you could get a bit more specific maybe on some short ancedote on something you dislike about facebook or why the speaker won't give it a try (there are many agravating things) I think that'd make the poem feel a bit more concrete and give the humor an extra punch.
I did really enjoy the exagerating aspects though like "I'd like to keep my soul" - that whole stanza was just hilarious especially the indecent rhyme of "soul" and "a**hole" - it's unexpected and the contrast made it funnier.
Random spelling thing - rather than saying "talken" I think I'd spell in "talk'n" but really as long as whoever is singing this knows, it's probably alright!
I hope you jump on YWS and leave us with a couple more humor ballads! We could use them.
~ A
THIS IS SUCH A CUTE POEM/SONG!
I love it though it would help knowing how the tune goes. It's something that I imagine you'd probably had lots of fun writing too!
Loved the repetition of 'I've lost all my friends to facebook' too, it gives an air of desperation (in a funny way). Loved the reference to the 'nerd from Harvard' too xD
The line 'though without this precious facebook I feel like an @$$ hole' sounds a little awkward there though..I think you were probably trying to be sarcastic with the word 'precious' but it isn't really working for me, maybe it's just me.
Also, what does 'go get lit' mean? Did you mean 'go get it'? Sorry, I've no idea here :p but other than this I loved the ending!
I will surely be singing this! I really like this song. Maybe you could've labeled it to certify it was chorus, or bridge, ect. Really well writen I thought it was funny too! Good job keep writing!
Hi, Frances!
lol, I liked this. I found it funny. I was in the exact same position a couple years ago. When my friends and I all went to different colleges, I eventually caved in getting an account, realizing I never talk to them otherwise. But I laugh because everything said is just true. xD I'm STILL waiting for something to replace Facebook.
Anyway!
It's funny you say country when I totally thought of this as a rap. It flowed so smoothly like that. xD But it totes works! There were a couple verses that I found weird, so I'll point them out. It's such a fun read though. xD You even had cool references and facts tied in. It's just awesome!
This was my favorite verse. xD I love the simplicity of the history and how you tied it in with the speaker's situation so well.
The last line here felt clunky to me. The emphasis via the rhythm doesn't quite fit with the words/syllables of the line. If that makes sense? It's probably a bit rough to sing. xD
I've an innocent mind, I guess? I don't know what it means to go get lit unless it refers to smoking. Aside from that, I wonder if there's a better way to end the song. It was such a fun song until the theme got completely turned non-family-friendly here, which I find hurt the song.
So that's all I can point out. It was fun to read, so thank you for the kicks and giggles!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
This poem is funny and quite touching.
I love these kind of poems, so this certainly reached out to me.
The detail is great, you've tried to explain this as much as you can.
I love the use of words and language, it is certaily extrordinary.
The only negative I have is the swear words.
I don't really like swear words, and I bet some other people don't too, but it's quite clever the way you've written them, so I'll let you off
It has been a pleasure to read.
Keep writing!
Haha, this poem was a great read! kimmybee has touched on all the faults that I would have pointed out myself, so there's no need to go there.
You said sung to the tune of a corny country song, but I actually feel a lot of soul in this poem - VERY bluesy in my eyes - and when I did end up singing it to a sporadic blues tune, I think it fitted quite well, the comedy sure doesn't need to get lost, just 'cause it's blues!
All in all, great job; usually I go to well-written TV shows/movies for comedy but this was truly great; poetry doesn't really to comedy for me as it comes off cheesey, but yours certainly didin't, here - well done!
LOVED IT. It was a great read. Wonderful topic and I loved how you did it in a comedic way.
I have to reiterate the FACT that I loved it. I too know what it's like to have all ones friends on that social network and others and because you refuse to join and they want you to they continuously speak about it, telling you to join. But trust me, if you're like me at least, and they see you really dont care for it even if you consider them your friends, it wont be a bother.
I'm sure minorities like myself would have been drawn here by your title and stayed because of the comedy
So you had pretty much everything down pat. Exceptions:
First stanza:
"I've lost all my friends to Facebook
They're not talken to me now
I've lost all my friends to facebook,
and by god I'll tell you how." It think talken right there should have been talking?
Also in the fourth stanza (getting too lazy to copy and paste here :3) if you want to you "cause" short for "because" you should type " 'cause". Note the single-quote-thingy that indicates letter/s have been omitted, as in your case to accommodate your rhythm.
Another thing. Your rhythm. Lyric poems have a rhyming scheme that accounts for the rhythm. I think even though it sounds very good, it could be a whole lot better if you sought to ensure the ENTIRE poem followed one rhyming scheme instead of rhyming in some parts than in places. If you re-read I think you would agree the funniest parts are those where the rhymes are set. Un-rhymed parts are funny but they'd 'jump out' more if they rhymed. Especially where you spoke about the Facebook pioneer, a simple google request could help with some rhymes by giving data on him
Leaving on a good note
Great job, Keep writing!
Nice flow. I like the attitude of it. I generally don't enjoy comedic poetry, but I liked this and I like it's simplicity. And I like the "cause I'd like to keep my soul".....Very funny, and I totally relate. I don't have a facebook account either and all of my friends do, and they all say to get one... but that is not happening.