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125,027 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Hey Frances Smith! I read your poem and laughed aloud
I like the cheekiness of this. Humour is something I'm very interested in, and so I might talk about that a bit in this review.
Admittedly nobody speaks with perfect rhythm and rhyme in real life either, but the rhymes must come second to natural word-order. The fourth stanza is an excellent example. You've really got it right there! The rhymes are tight but the sentences flow properly.
Rhyme
Tricky. I really like rhyming in poems but it takes a lot of time to get it right. Contrived rhyme isn't worth your time -- when you have to rearrange the natural order of a sentence it sounds awful. >.<
"I never before saw him."
Nobody speaks like that in real life.
Try and emulate this in the rest of the poem.
Metre
Another tricky element. You have got this sorted for the most part -- a strong iambic metre, although this fluctuates a bit during the poem. The iambic sound (da-DUH da-DUH da-DUH, etc) is quite similar to natural speech so, if you pick your words right, this will reinforce the feeling that I talked about above.
Try reading these lines with exaggerated emphasis on the bolded syllables.
It works nicely, doesn't it! Now try the third line of that stanza.
Oh dear. The number of syllables adds up to nine and it doesn't fit the shape of the words at all. The stress is the wrong way round on "forget" and "trouble". Now look through the rest of the poem and see places where you can tighten this up. Reading it aloud works wonders!
Message
I think you've pretty much got this sorted. The rhymes and the predictable rhythm are a nice contrast to the cheeky voice behind this poem. The story draws itself nicely to a close and, in fact, is a good example of Beginning-Middle-End structure. I like the balance.
I must admit I'm a bit confused by the ending, but perhaps you're trying to keep it ambiguous. Does the voice of your poem go with this "angel" or not? Who can tell?
I think I must repeat myself -- I really did enjoy this poem. With a bit of polishing off you'll have written something fun and a little bit sassy. Definitely see what else you can do with this style. Explore other topics and post a link on my wall if you want me to drop by again.
Take care!
Charlie
Thank you so much for the review! Those were some really helpful comments! I tried to change what you said to.
You've got it! Yes the rhythm works a lot better now.
Also check out the number of syllables per line in each stanza. Most of the time you use 8-6-8-6 but in stanza four you use 8-8-8-8. There's nothing explicitly wrong with this (in fact I really like how the fourth stanza sounds!) but it's worth being aware of it.
Good job.