I grab Jared from the lunch line and pull him outside.
"What do you want?" he asks.
"I want to show you something" i say and kiss him quickly.
"It's the middle of school, can't it wait" he grumbles.
"No, I might chicken out before then". I pull him next to the gate. "We just sneak out, come on. Where's your sense of adventure?"
"Where's your sense of detention?" he asks seriously. A car drives through the gate so I take the chance, pulling Jared with me. We grab the bus into town.
"This is fun". He shakes his head but smirks, his hand slipping into mine. He kisses my forehead before we get off. I run down the street and into the alleyway. i wait for him to run past.
“Slow down Rachael!” Jared shouts. I grab his arm and pull him into the alleyway. This is it, time to show him my secret. “What do you want to show me?” I kiss him quickly. No second thoughts.
"Don't freak out". I smile before running forward into a bright light then appearing behind Jared.
“Ta da” I say happily. Jared staggers backwards in fear. "I know, I teleported but how cool is this?"
“How did you… I mean what are you?” I kick some stones with my foot. What am I?
“I wish I knew” I say. Ever since I turned 18 these powers have been getting stronger. I've been waking up in different places, moving things without touching them and hearing things like the next door neighbors fighting and we're a detached house. I learned how to teleport in two weeks.
"How is that even possible?".
"It just happened. I don't know how or why?" I tell him.
"Then, did you not think to find out?"
"What? So you think I'm going to tell my mom, oh yeah I can teleport. She'd send me to a mental hospital, maybe even to get tested on by scientists" I yell. Why isn't he understanding me? I'm a freak now, what normal person can teleport?
"This is normal, this is weird. I, I don't want you to come near me again". He shoves me out the way and runs faster than he's ever done before. I've just told him a secret, a big secret that I can't even tell my mom. And he just runs off. I didn't run off when he told me he used to have an imaginary friend when he was little. I mean of course this is a bit different but still.
“You’ve got powers”. I freeze, the voice sends chills up my spine.I turn around to see a boy leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.
"You were spying on me?" He walks forward into the light. He was wearing a blue jacket over a white t-shirt that was neatly ironed. He wore black jeans with blue sneakers. His hair was cut short in layers, his front spiked up. His eyes were deep brown, matching his hair. He was looking rather concerned at me, his eyes looking me up and down.
"Maybe, I saw you teleport though. Scared a human didn't you?"
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. And if you don’t mind I would like you to leave me alone". I turn around and start walking away. "I think you need to spend more time in the light instead of the dark. You're going crazy".
“Be careful. People are looking for you”. People are looking for me? What kind of psycho does he think he is? I ignore his comment and start running out into the street. I walk into the first coffee shop I find and into the bathroom. I check every cubicle to make sure that no one was in before I teleported out.
*
“Mom” I shout. I slump down on the couch and pick up the remote with my powers. I rely on my powers too much now.
“Rachael” my mom spoke up as she walked down the stairs and into the living room. “Aren’t you supposed to be in school?” She stands right in front of the TV, his eyes staring me down.
“No mom, I don’t want to go. I need to get a job and start paying my dues. School isn’t for me anymore” I say. I move my head so I could see the TV, but because she was trying to have a "serious" talk she just stood in front of me again. She then grabbed the remote and turned it off.
“Rachael Martin! Will you listen to me just this once young lady?” Here we go. She starts with the whole job thing and then she'll just get mad. She doesn't know what it's like, school has changed a lot since her time. “You need to go to school to get qualifications to get a job if you failed to remember. Where did all this talk of ‘school isn’t for me’ come from?” Parents never understand us, teenagers, half grown up, still a kid in some cases.
“Jared dumped me, okay. Are you happy I told you now?” I stand up. He dumped me because I told him I was a freak. I felt anger rising inside of me. I've got to stay calm, last time I got angry my powers got way out of control and I got a loud ringing noise in my head that send pain through my body. My only assumption of the cause was because I was punching someone so much that my powers reacted. Maybe my powers are only to be used for good.
“Rachael, I’m sorry”. She sits down on the couch. “You’re still going to school. You’ll just have to get past this”. I groan. I know I’m not going to reason with her, she’s too stubborn. I stomp upstairs and into my bedroom. Stupid, stupid life. I could go on holiday anytime I wanted to with these powers yet I won’t because I want to be human.
Humans don’t teleport and listen to other people’s thoughts. I hate being at school. All the side remarks off people. They all think them. Look at the clothes she’s wearing. What a waste of space. They all hate me for one thing or another. I don’t get on with people, I never have. I’m different, since I was born I have been different. Moving from one place to another with dad till he left us. Mom has finally settled down in this place. I like it but I’ll always be the new girl who started this school halfway through the semester. I pick up my laptop and click on Facebook. I text Jasmine, my friend. The only friend I've made since I started Scort High. I wait 5 minutes before shutting down my laptop and slide it back down beside my bed.
I should go to school, I think I'm more worried about Jared telling people I'm a freak. He wouldn't, he's not the type of guy, I hope. Maybe I should talk to him, explain to him that I wouldn't do anything to hurt him, to hurt anyone. I let a small tear trickle down my cheek. I rub it away, he's not worth it.
You’re not safe. Come and find me.
Who was that? I’m going crazy again, I keep hearing voices. I stand up and walk over to my window. There's no one outside, no one watching me. The street is abandoned practically.
You’re not crazy. Meet me at the subway.
No, I won’t do it. I’m not going crazy, I’m not going crazy. I walk downstairs and out the door, ignoring mom’s calls from the kitchen. Whatever she want's, I don't care. I'm in that type of mood where i won't listen to anyone.
I walk down the street and stand at the end of the road next to the bus stop. I would teleport but I just don’t want to. The bus finally comes along. It says schedule, what schedule. Too early or too late or maybe once or twice, they’re actually on time. There's a reason why I run to school. I get on and sit at the back away from everyone. It pulls to a stop outside the theater and I jump out and walk along the street, just enjoying the warm air. Last time I was at the theater was when me and Jasmine went for a night out. She had shown me around town.
I was enjoying the sun, the cool sensation of the wind, the feeling of calming when I see Jared sitting at a cafe. I go to walk over to him, prepared to explain myself when I see him ask the waitress to sit down. Really, he's now flirting with a lass. I was only with him merely an hour ago. But then he's probably freaking out and doesn't know what he's doing. Or he does know what he's doing and all he is, is a little rebound guy. I move my hand so his tea knocks over onto her.That will show him.
Get out of there!
What?! Suddenly I hear someone shout "get her". I turn around to see a man in a black suit running towards me. Is this the FBI or something? I do the only thing I can think of, I start running down the street only to see another guy running towards me. What's happening? I quickly detour down the alleyway. Where should I go, where should I go? I feel arms round my waist, gripping my shirt before flashing into a bright light.
I slide across a floor and bump into something hard. Where I am? What actually happened? I look up to see a couch. I grab hold of the arm and pull myself up, my legs aching from being chucked across the floor. I look around the room. It was an old abandoned subway. It was fitted out with a pool table some couches and other various things. Other people were sitting around looking at me oddly.I look forward to face a guy with blonde and brown short hair. He was wearing a black leather jacket and a blue t-shirt underneath with black pants. He was standing next to a young girl with long brown hair.
“What am I doing here?” I ask. The boy walks closer to me.
“You’re welcome”. He walks past me acting so cool. What a
freak! I turn around. He can't just leave me with more questions.
“You’re welcome for what? I was doing just fine on my own. Where am I?” I say. I walk up to him and yank him around to face me. “Take me back” I demand.
“I can’t, you’re a danger to our existence” he says firmly.
“I have a life. I need to go home” I shout. "This is practically kidnapping".
“Get over it; this is your life now”. He pushes me backward and walks away. The other girl who was attached to him when I first stood up walked past me and followed after him. That’s right, arf arf good little dog. People continued to stare at me.
“Have any of you got a problem? No then stop looking!” I shout. It's like I've got a sign above my head saying 'stare at me, I'm new'. I walk up the steps and turn to the right. I find a small spot between a locker and a wall and sit down. The floor was cold and sent chills up my spine.I pull up my knees and start crying. I rub my arms, trying to comfort myself, tell myself that this is all a dream. But it's not. The floor is cold on my bum, the boy who kidnapped me was real, his warm arm was real on my skin, them men who chased me were real and they were after me. I wish I could just wake up.
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Foxtail13, it's a pleasure to meet you. As you may know, I am wisegirl22, age eight, and I am here to review your chapter.

The title. The grand capitalization. Capitalize everything, every single thing except for words like "and", "or", and "is". And in the beginning, why do you install a lack of punctuation? And capitalization?
""I want to show you something" i say and kiss him quickly."
A few lines later, I noticed you put punctuation after the apostrophe\quotation mark. You may want to fix that, I may add. Your decision, all yours. Moments later...
THE DREADED CAPITALIZATION.
"i wait for him to run past."
"“Slow down Rachael!”"
If Rachael let him run past her, why does he want her to slow down?
Why is there a question mark after "why"?
"It just happened. I don't know how or why?"
And this mess,
"He walks forward into the light. He was wearing a blue jacket over a white t-shirt that was neatly ironed. He wore black jeans with blue sneakers. His hair was cut short in layers, his front spiked up. His eyes were deep brown, matching his hair. He was looking rather concerned at me, his eyes looking me up and down."
is absolutely revolting. You used "he" way too much. Replace some of them with "the boy" or something. When talking about the boy's hair, you might want to replace the second his with "the".
I think you meant "of" instead of "off". Don't worry, it's an easy mistake.
"All the side remarks off people."
These sentences are a bit choppy.
"Moving from one place to another with dad till he left us. Mom has finally settled down in this place. I like it but I’ll always be the new girl who started this school halfway through the semester. I pick up my laptop and click on Facebook. I text Jasmine, my friend. The only friend I've made since I started Scort High."
Replace it with,
"Moving from one place to another with dad 'till he left us became a part of my life until Mom finally settled down in this place. I like it, but I'll always be the new girl who started this school halfway through the semester. I pick up my laptop, click on Facebook, and text my only friend I've made since I started Scort High--Jasmine."
"Want's" is "wants". And again, the dreaded capitalization.
"Whatever she want's, I don't care. I'm in that type of mood where i won't listen to anyone."
Space between the period and "That".
"I move my hand so his tea knocks over onto her.That will show him."
Same thing a little time afterward. A few spacing and punctuation errors after, but you'll get to that, right?
-wisegirl22
thank you that helps loads x
Oh, you're welcome!
Hi! Cricket here for a review! Remembered you, hon, and decided to take a look. *Is glad that I did*

This rocks! For one: I'm super curious about this girl's powers. I mean, that's not exactly normal, what she can do.
*wishes I could transport myself places*Hmm, my main concern for this chapter really, would be, that it's too rushed. Like seriously, just waaaayyy too rushed. Although, I totes love the way you started it, and the way you began by presenting the characters, this could use a bit of work with pacing. Lemme go through it a bit.
OK, this part. For one I couldn't quite place what actions you were running through. Yeah, I got that she came up behind Jared, but I had to seriously re-read it over and over again, just to make sure I had got it right.
I also couldn't exactly place the surroundings very well. I'm guessing they were on the street somewhere? Not entirely sure though, so would appreciate a couple of sentences for that. Maybe one or two should slice it.
Nope. Don't think that's very realistic. For one: If he was her boyfriend, then he would start asking questions, and just feeling really confused and generally sick inside. He wouldn't run away in my opinion. At least not yet! OK, I would understand it, if after they talked for a few minutes and their voices started to get a little raised, that he would just slowly start to back away. Try and drag it out a little more, and make sure your characters emotions are really out there, or else we won't be feeling her pain.
Alright, I saw this grammatical mistake all throughout the piece, and I figured I'd just use one example. ALWAYS, put a comma before the dialogue tag. So I put it in red-- the comma-- where you should always have it, just in case I wasn't clear about it. It's a very easy mistake to fix, so a quick run-through should fix it.
Hmm, sorry hon, but I'm not sure this will work. For one, you should never describe characters in one shot. USUALLY. There are exceptions. But you need to make the description interesting for us. Just SAYING, that he has brown hair, won't create a very big visual for us. In fact, it could basically create none! But it you describe the hair... like something so simple as saying wavy brown hair instead of brown hair, could spice it up a bit as well.
After TV, place a comma. Actually, there are several instances like this one throughout, so just run through and make sure you fix them all.
Although, it's totes awesome in writing, to give a bit by bit breakdown of action, I couldn't help but feel that this seemed a bit flat. So I'm thinking you can spice it up, with a bit of reaction, intermixed with action.
So what's her reaction to sitting in-between the wall and the locker? Perhaps the wall or floor is cold? Or maybe she feels uncomfortable sitting there? Just a thought. Try to keep your characters' reactions to their atmosphere, constantly throughout the piece, so that we can relate to what she/he is feeling.
OK, and I think that's it from me!
Hope this helped and keep writing!
~Cricket
that's really helpful, thank you. glad you remembered x
Hello, Foxtail. Wolf here for a review.
I'll just go right into the criticism. For the most part, I really feel like all of this was really rushed through and I was quite confused. I'll just start from the beginning.
The very first sentence is kind of confusing to me, mostly because it's not really clear who is talking. My first assumption was that it was the narrator, Racheal herself, calling to someone else named Rachael to slow down. Then that mysterious other Rachael disappeared and there was only Jared and the MC left, until I realized it was Jared that was speaking. I recommend making that more clear.
Next, when she teleports behind him, he staggers back in fear. When did he turn around? He just suddenly saw her disappear. Don't assume anything. Don't assume that the readers know anything. Okay, maybe don't spell everything out for the reader, but when it comes to action or events, the readers are relying on you, the author, to fill them in on what happens. Maybe add something about him spinning around and being struck with fear.
Another thing, when she starts talking about her powers, I don't really think that fits there. There's probably a better place to stick this in there rather than just place it the beginning if the chapter. Sure it may be relevant to the action, but it seems kind of forced. My suggestion is as Jared is backing away she tries to explain to him what's been going on.
Then suddenly he runs away and this boy comes. I feel like this transition is a little bit rushed. When I first read that, I was completely at a loss of what happened. The part about her staring at his back as he ran away was a little strange and it kind of slipped my mind as being a 'break-up'. Once again, being more clear will help here.
Now I really think that you should slow things down. At this point in time, that she suddenly makes it home, by teleportation of course, and already having an arguement with her mother. Right after that she leaves, gets on a bus, and sees her boyfriend (who has somehow found another girl in what seems like five minutes). I feel like you could draw out somethings more before all the action in the end and really allow us to connect with th character more. By the ending, I wasn't really sure why she was crying, nor did I really care. I'm sorry if I'm sounding harsh here, but I'm trying to make the point that I'm not really having any empathy with the character. Try to draw out her personality more and really put feeling behind her actions and motives.
Enough criticism, and I must say, I am really interested in what's happen next. Don't worry, I'm only trying to help. Your idea has captured my attention and I'm curious to find out what her kind is, what she's supposed to be. Don't feel discouraged, and I definitely will be reading more. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
That's really helpful thank you. i will sort this out. thanks x