E - Everyone

A different Kind of girl- Chapter Two-Adjusting to new surroundings

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“Hi”. I look up to acknowledge what the young boy had said. Then I duck my head down again between my knees. I hear him sit down, his back knocking the lockers making them clatter. “Hi, I’m Russell”. I take a sneak peak of him. Russell wore a black leather jacket with a red jumper underneath and a grey shirt under that. His jeans were black with ripped seams at the bottom. His shoes were a new pair of red plimsolls. His hair was black, short cut and trimmed around his ears. From his voice, it was both friendly but guarded at the same time. Like everyone else, they seemed wary of me.

“And I don’t care” I mutter. What possessed this Russell guy to come and talk to me?

“I’m only trying to help” he says nicely.

“Are you blind? I don’t need your help” I hiss.

“You know we all go through this” he says trying to stay calm.

“What do you mean?” I look up and wipe away the dried tears.

“All of us here, we had to leave our families. It’s to keep them safe, to keep Ultra away from them”.

“Ultra?” I question.

“There’s these people who track us down and remove our powers”. They were the men chasing after me, they were going to take my powers.

“Our powers? You mean the teleportation and the telekinesis and the telepathic” I say.

“The three T’s, that’s what we call them. And yes they take it away from us, leave us alone after that” he says.

“Oh. It still doesn’t make up for that guy kidnapping me” I say. He wraps his arm around my shoulder and grins like he knows my feelings towards the guy.

“That’s John. He’s alright, he was just looking out for us. We’re all family here. We have to look out for each other” he says. “You’ll fit right in. trust me, our mate Stephen rebelled for a while till he accepted it. And Cara the one next to John, she beat up John”.

“She didn’t seem to like me” I say.

“It’s only because John had to go up top and risk his life. She’s fine” he says. “So can I know your name?” he asks.

“Yeah, it’s Rachael”.

“Nice to meet you Rachael. Do you want me to show you around?” he asks as he stands up.

“No, I find you later. I rather just stay here” I say.

“Suit yourself. Trust me though, you’ll feel at home soon. I’m off to play pool now with Jamie” he says and teleports off. I sit for a while contemplating on trying to find Russell or staying where I am, cold but safe.

*

“Hi, Russell” I say as I walk over to him. I finally decided that hanging out with Russell beats sitting in a cold locker room.

“Want a game?” he asks and holds out the cue. Pool, you hit a ball and hope it goes down the hole.

“Yeah, but go easy. I’m not good at this” I say and take it off him. He chuckles as he moves round the table and takes the first shot making all the balls move to each side.I line it up and shoot making the red ball hit every side and hitting most of the other balls but missing the hole I was aiming for by that much.

“You do it like this”. I look behind to see John walking over to us. I stand back and gave him the cue, making sure I didn’t get to close to him. Russell makes the next shot potting two balls. He’s such a show off.

“Here, put your hand here” John says and takes my hand and puts it on the spot. His places his hand on mine and I feel his hand round my waist. He lines the cue up with the ball.

“Make sure your eye follows through. Tight but slow” he whispers in my ear. We pull back and knock it making a ball fall into a bowl.

“I did it. I did it!” I squeal letting my inner girl out for the first time since I got there. I turn to face him, remembering he helped me. “I mean we did it”. He chuckles. John’s smile made butterflies in my stomach and I had to breathe slowly so I didn’t blush in front of him.

“Do it yourself this time” he says. He stands back and after Russell’s go I take another shot making another ball go in.

“Thanks John” I say.

“Anytime… Rachael”. He walks away and over to the girl Cara who was staring right at me. I turn around; having the distinct feeling she was burning a hole in my back. Russell and I finished the match off, he of course won because he had the lead at the beginning, but I can now play pool. I sit on one of the couches next to Russell.He was playing on an IPod, just tapping at some random game with snakes. Seeing the iPod made me think of my phone. I pull it out my back pocket to see five missed calls from my mom.

“So how you feeling now Rachael, better?” he asks, noticing that I was looking at my phone with shaking hands.

“Yeah, I guess” I shrug my shoulders. I definitely feel more comfortable around the people but I miss mom. I try my best to stop my hands shaking.

“Russell! John! Cara!” Russell quickly jumps up. I look over to see the guy from the alleyway running into the open. He was wearing the same jacket he had been wearing in the alleyway. Did he tell John that I had powers? I walk over to them, eager to meet this mysterious boy.

“Is this the new girl? I did tell you it wasn’t safe” he says and smiles at me.

“Yeah, okay. I’m Rachael” I say.

“Stephen” he replies and shakes my hand. John and Cara ran over to us.

“What’s wrong?” John asks.

“It’s Jedikiah. He’s searching for Rachael. Got everyone looking for her” he says.

“Me, what did I do?” I ask. Why are they looking for me? Apart from my disappearing in the middle of the day, I didn’t do anything.

“You and John teleported in the open. He thinks you’re a breakout”. A breakout?

“He’s not going to get her” John says and stands in front of me. Why are they trying to save me? I’ll probably cause more problems to them.

“Trust me, he’s going to find a way. He’s got some new guy on the force that’s good at bringing out the break outs”.

“I’ll just go out there then. No point risking your lives” I say and walk backward. John turns to face me and grabs me by the shoulders.

“Stay, see what his first move is. Then we’ll decide from there” he says. I nod my head before John lets go of me and turns back to face Stephen.

“I’ll keep my ears peeled. Hopefully I get put next to him” Stephen says.

“Great” John says. Stephen teleports out again and everyone gets back to whatever they were doing.

“Rachael, you’re going to have to learn how to fight” John turns around and says when everyone had separated and he had tod Cara something.

“Fight?” I ask. I mean I’ve hit someone before because they put food in my hair but I’ve never had to hurt someone badly.

“Yes, you can’t always rely on your powers” he says and takes my hand, leading me through the hallways and into a wide space.

“This is our training area. You’ve got your punching bags, and that’s our ring up there. Basically, that’s all we got at the minute”. He moves round and holds up his hands. “I want you to punch me” he says.

“You want me to punch you?” I ask sarcastically.

“Yes. I’m sturdy on my feet. Plus, I’ve fought enough fights to withstand pain” he chuckles.

“Okay” I say. I clench my fists and walk over to him. I take a swing hitting him right in the side.

“Pretty good. Now you want to have power in that arm. You want to hurt me, imagine me as an Ultra agent. You want me dead” he says. I jump up and down, imagining Jared before smashing my fist into John’s side. He stumbled sideways but kept his stance.

“Good. Do it again”.

“I really don’t want to hurt you” I plead.

“I don’t care”. He shoves me so I kick him in his shin. “That’s better. Come on hit me”. I yell loudly and punch my fist into his face. He rubs his chin.

“Ouch. Right pretend I’m an Ultra agent. I want you to fight me”. John runs at me. I dodge and grab his shirt and pull his hair. “So that’s going to stop them”. John teleports behind me and grabs my neck. “You’d be dead”. I grab him and shove him on the floor.

“You’d be dead”. He kicks his feet making me buckle on top of him. I slap him and start punching him as we roll across the floor. I teleport behind him and hold my hands up against his neck. “You’re dead”.

“Not yet” he laughs and leans backward so I fall over. I kick him and scramble backward and grab the metal pole against the wall. He stands up and starts bouncing on the spot like he was getting ready to really hurt me. “Hit me with the pole”.

“This could really injure you”. He shrugs. He runs towards me and shoves me against the wall. Grabbing a hold of the pole he holds it up against my neck.

“Shove me back, come on. Ultra agents will get you, you have to fight”. I knee him in the privates and when he’s bending down I hit him with the pole on his back making him fall onto the ground.

“Finished?” I question. “I’m sweating, out of breath and you have just been beaten by a girl”. He grabs the pole and pulls me down and he climbs on top of me.
“No you have just been beaten”. He sits up, still on top of me. “Yeah we’re done. You’re not that bad”.

“Thanks now get off me, you’re squashing my inside” I squeeze out. As he gets off me I take a deep breath and rub my stomach. John helps me up, apologising for his heaviness. I go to walk when I head John say, “Rachael”. I turn my head.

“Hmm”.

“I… it doesn’t matter. Sorry for kidnapping you without a warning” he says.
“I don’t mind now” I say and leave the room. I wonder what he was going to say.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
SpiritedWolfe
Review

Hello, Foxtail. Wolf here for a review.

So, I saw the edited version of chapter one, and I must say it looks much better. Speaking if which, I recommend kind if spreading this out more, similar to what I suggested in the first chapter. Allow me to elaborate.

The very first line being 'Hi.' and then her looking up doesn't really flow well together. I was kind of confused at first because it flipped from dialogue to action when we have no idea who is talking, even just saying 'a voice greets me' gives us a better idea of what's going on.

Now before I continue, another issue I see a lot throughout this, and even in the edited version of chapter one, is punctuation in dialogue. I won't go too much into it, since here is a great article explaining everything, but the basic thing is that after dialogue, to connect it to tag then there needs to be a comma. However, that is only if the sentence would end in a period. Take this conversation:

"Hello, George," Bob called.

"Bob!" exclaimed George. "What a nice surprise."

Short and sweet, but I hope I hope it got the point across. Back to content again.

Another thing is that I feel like too many names are introduced and it gets kind of hard to keep track of who is who. Be really careful with things like that. Usually when a character is introduced, the reader needs to kind of get to know them so they have something to remember them by when the name comes up again. For example, Stephan is supposably another guy, but we haven't really seen much about him, so likely when he comes back, we won't remember him. Keep those things in mind.

In the part where Russel teleports away and Rachael finds him to play a game of pool, there is no transition between those two events. It kind of gets confusing, it doesn't say anything about Rachael thinking about playing with him, or wanting to go with him, or how she got there, or even that she stood up. Try to draw some things out. I'm sure that after her little talk with Russel, there is a lot that's going to be going through her head. Why are the Ultra after them? How did they know where to find Rachael? Is this place really safe? Try to really get into Rachael's head.

Another thing, non-content wise. Towards the end instead of saying 'around' it is just put 'round' which is slightly confusing. Around is a preposition while round is an adjective and they both mean two completely different things. I understand that that's how some people say it, but usually in writing, unless it's in dialogue, try to just spell out the whole word. And if you are shortening it, be sure to put an apostrophe beside it to show that there was a letter taken off, like so: 'round.

Rachael's reaction to getting a ball in the hole in pool seems kind of strange to me. I'm not sure why, but she doesn't really strike me as the kind of girl that would jump up and down while squealing because they did something. Try to keep her personality consistent, or maybe show ealier on this more 'girly' side of here. Up until now we've only seen the super serious side if Rachael.

The training scene in the end doesn't really seem at all realistic. First off, John says he's been in fistfights before. With that said, he's probably too tough for a girl whose never been in fistfight to knock him over. No matter how mad she is, there is no way. I'm sorry, but it's just not going to happen. Second, she's a girl. Now I'm not trying to sound sexist or anything, and I'm female myself, but usually males are a lot stronger than females. So again, he's probably a lot stronger and more ready for a fist to hit him. If anything, I doubt that John would even be able to feel a punch from Rachael. If she's just some ordinary teenage girl, her punches are probably pathetic. If anything try to make so reason that she'd be stronger than most, but nobody can excel that fast. Even if Rachael was a guy, there is no way that would happen on her first training session.

If I sounded harsh in this, I'm sorry, but I really enjoyed this and I want to see you grow and get better! Your dialogue is looking good though. I found it believable and smooth, for the most part. It'll take practice, but you'll eventually get the hang of this. Don't be discouraged! Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~

User avatar
erilea
Review
erilea wrote a review · Mon Aug 11, 2014 12:44 pm

Foxtail13, hello! Nice to see you!

Period inside the quotation marks, if you please.

"“Hi”."

"It’s to keep them safe, to keep Ultra away from them”."

"“There’s these people who track us down and remove our powers”."

"And Cara the one next to John, she beat up John”."

"“Yeah, it’s Rachael”."

"“You do it like this”."

"“I mean we did it”. He chuckles."

"“Anytime… Rachael”."

"Basically, that’s all we got at the minute”."

"“Hmm”."

Punctuation!

"“And I don’t care” I mutter."

"“I’m only trying to help”"

Basically every place where they talk. The training seemed a bit short, and some other things took place, but that's all. Keep writing!

-wisegirl22



“If lightning is the anger of the gods, then the gods are concerned mostly about trees.”
— Lao Tzu