Chapter 5 - The Cave

by FourLeafClover

Published June 15, 2021

12+

In Vic Lawrence

“Wyatt!” we all shouted, rushing in the direction of the scream.

The screams kept coming, cutting into the stale air and echoing throughout the cave. The bloodstains definitely did not help to make it any less terrifying. And the fact that the screams were echoing, so we didn’t know exactly where they were coming form, also didn’t help us.

Neither did the fact that the cave split into five different tunnels.

Savannah’s head snapped up and she stared intently down the tunnel in between the left and the middle. It looked like she was having a staring contest with the stone. “That way,” she said, nodding confidently. “I heard a knife. Also, the scent of the blood is strongest from there. We should go that way. Follow me.” Savannah forged her way past cobwebs and spilled supplies, then angled herself so that she was able to army crawl through. “Oh, and watch your head. You don’t wanna accidentally get a concussion.” Once she finished giving us instructions, she began to crawl, cursing whenever she ran into something in the darkness.

“Language,” Carter muttered, positioning himself so that he could also army crawl his way through.

“Right, because right now language is everyone’s biggest concern,” Lotus told him sarcastically, rolling her eyes. “Now hurry up. There’re people in line behind you, y’know.”

Another bloodcurdling scream cut through the cave, echoing ominously and rattling my skull. “Lotus is right,” I said anxiously. “Carter, hurry. Things don’t sound like they’re going all that well for Wyatt.” I just hope we can help him in time, I thought in a panic. Stupid quests. Always getting people hurt or killed.

I blamed the gods. The goddesses, too. Oh, and the Fates.

“Okay, okay, okay,” Carter said, “I’m trying to hurry, but if the rocks don’t let me, it’s on them.”

Or you could just hurry up already and move around the rocks, dummy,” Savannah’s voice called from the gloom. “Honestly, if you guys could just get a move on already, that would be great, thanks. Carter.” The sound of a something small whizzing through and bouncing off the walls filled the air for a few seconds, and then a tiny rock flew by, hitting Carter in the head. “Did I get him?” asked Savannah.

Throwing rocks at Carter was kind of a thing. We did it a lot.

“Oh, yeah, you got him,” Taylor said, frowning. “But why did you throw it? That was mean.”

Okay, throwing rocks at Carter was a thing that Taylor didn’t know about. So what? It wasn’t like we expected Taylor to throw rocks at the guy he obviously liked. Who would do that?

Fine. I’d do it. So would Lotus and Savannah. But that wasn’t an important detail, so whatever.

“Uh… long story that we don’t have time for,” Savannah said, saving us from explaining the joke behind it. “Anyway, let’s just get going already and help out Wyatt. Carter, move. If you’re not coming, let somebody else come down.”

Thank the gods, I thought when Carter moved aside. Once he was fully out of the way, I slid into the tunnel and twisted around so I didn’t hit the rocks. I got into army crawling position and started making my way toward Savannah. Her battle axe reflected the tiniest sliver of light, which made it easier for me to find my way over. “Hey,” I whispered.

“Hey. Nice speed. That’s what I’m looking for,” she whispered back. Then she raised her voice and called, “All right, who’s next? Whoever it is, go with the same speed as Vic. That was good.”

“I’m next!” Lotus replied. The sound of her stepping into the cave and sliding down the path, the smaller stones slipping from where they were before, filled the tunnel. Suddenly, she crashed into me, which sent me crashing into Savannah. “Oops,” she said, trying to suppress a laugh.

“Well, you definitely had some speed there,” Carter called from above.

“I’m staying up here, guys, so don’t wait. Have fun beating people up!” Taylor told us. The sound of him opening his pack and testing his hunting bow came down to us, and he added, “I’m gonna try finding something to eat.”

“Boys,” Savannah muttered bitterly. Then, shaking herself, she said, “All right, well, let’s go help out Wyatt. Then we’re gonna annoy the heck out of them and make them clean up the entire camp. Every. Single. Day. All in favor of that plan, say ‘aye.’”

“Aye,” Lotus and I replied in unison.

Another scream sounded.

“Well, glad we’re in agreement. Now let’s go beat up whoever this is,” Savannah told us, grabbing her axe. She crawled forward and we followed suit until we found the exit. Savannah leapt out and lunged at the ring of people surrounding Wyatt.

Lotus and I tumbled out after her, gripping our weapons.

“Who are you?” I asked the ring of people, getting my throwing knives ready. “And why are you here?”

Comments & reviews · 2
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deleted32
Review
deleted32 wrote a review Review · Jun 19, 2021

Hiya Ashlyn here for a review!! As always, please keep in mind that this review is not intended to offend you or make your writing look bad!

The sound of a something small whizzing through and bouncing off the walls filled the air for a few seconds, and then a tiny rock flew by, hitting Carter in the head.

Certain parts of this sentence felt jumbled. Here's how I'd rewrite it-
The sound of something whizzing through the walls filled the air for few seconds then a tiny rock flew by, hitting Carter on the head

Or something like that :D
I blamed the gods. The goddesses, too. Oh, and the Fates.

“Okay, okay, okay,” Carter said, “I’m trying to hurry, but if the rocks don’t let me, it’s on them.”

“Or you could just hurry up already and move around the rocks, dummy,” Savannah’s voice called from the gloom. “Honestly, if you guys could just get a move on already, that would be great, thanks. Carter.”

Savannah (loving the name by the way <3) seems like a gal full of spunk and sass. That could mean either one of two things-she either grew up with someone in her life to teach her to be strong, or shes gone through trauma, has self-doubt, and in order to feel in-control of her confidence, acts confident.
Or maybe shes just a simple teenager/tween, and acting the way they always act, but shhhhh, I like to theorize and ramble okay ;)
Anyway, characters like that always make me happy because they bring a spark of life and personality to interactions, besides, usually you'll find they are more serious and hurt then you might expect.
“Language,” Carter muttered, positioning himself so that he could also army crawl his way through.

Anyone gonna deal with the fact that Carter just said language heheheh
Once he was fully out of the way, I slid into the tunnel and twisted around so I didn’t hit the rocks.

That'd read better to me if you wrote it this way-
Once he was out of the way, I slid into the tunnel, twisting around so I didn’t hit the rocks.

Or something like that :D
Suddenly, she crashed into me, which sent me crashing into Savannah.

Crashed, crashing in the same sentence? That's a bit redundant, no? <333
“Well, glad we’re in agreement. Now let’s go beat up whoever this is,” Savannah told us, grabbing her axe. She crawled forward and we followed suit until we found the exit. Savannah leapt out and lunged at the ring of people surrounding Wyatt.

Lotus and I tumbled out after her, gripping our weapons.

“Who are you?” I asked the ring of people, getting my throwing knives ready. “And why are you here?”

Maybe there's a better way you could have described them then 'ring of people' ^^ Also, Savannah just leaping out and lunging at them, felt a bit sudden to me. I'd have loved to see more interaction between her and our mysterious fellows before they jumped into fighting ^^
Aaand that concludes this review. I hope you found it helpful, and keep writing. Every story you tell is worth reading <3
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TheMythMaster
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TheMythMaster wrote a review Review · Jun 18, 2021

Myth here to review for you!

“Wyatt!” we all shouted, rushing in the direction of the scream.

nice opening sentence definitely draws me in.

“That way,” she said, nodding confidently. “I heard a knife. Also, the scent of the blood is strongest from there. We should go that way. Follow me.”

Okay, this part did alright, but I just wanted to ask, how do you 'hear' a knife? maybe do something more like 'i heard a knife scratch on the rocks' or something.
feel free to disregard this, it's just a suggestion about something I found kinda confusing.

Throwing rocks at Carter was kind of a thing. We did it a lot.

wait, WHAT. To be honest, I kinda did a double-take at this, its funny, and it adds a bit of realism to the characters, as though its something you didn't even need to mention but you did because it shows that the characters have a life outside of the story, nice job.

“Who are you?” I asked the ring of people, getting my throwing knives ready. “And why are you here?”

Ooh, nice cliffhanger.


Overall, I found this an enjoyable read, and I can't say I found much to critic.

Nice Job
-Myth

Thanks for the review!
You're right, it'd be a good idea to change that sentence a bit. Thanks for pointing it out!



You'd better wise up, Pony... you get tough like me and you don't get hurt. You look out for yourself and nothing can touch you, man.
— Dallas Winston, The Outsiders