z

Young Writers Society


12+

Chapter 3 - The Gates

by FourLeafClover


Lotus and I were already waiting at the gates about a half hour before the others showed up.

The gates loomed up above us, stretching so high that I lost sight of them in the clouds, but I knew they were still multiple feet taller. There were engravings of skulls in the volcanic rock they were constructed of, carving a mural of death. The rock was polished so well that it reflected the light from the lava rivers.

“So,” Lotus started, staring out at the land beyond the gates, “I wonder what all the fancy stuff in the prophecy means. I doubt it’s anything good, but it would be helpful to actually know, right?”

“Yeah, it definitely would,” I agreed. I was about to add more when I heard an excited bark to my left.

Cerberus bounded toward us, his bright yellow eyes lighting up with excitement the instant he recognized me. All three of his heads broke into gigantic grins, while his huge tail wagged back and forth. Barking with delight, he crashed into us and knocked us over.

“Ouch! Off, off,” Lotus told him with a laugh, trying to squirm out from underneath him. Cerberus relented, and Lotus rolled away then sprang to her feet, dusting off her camo cargo pants.

“Hey, Cerbie. What’s going on?” I asked him, shakily standing up.

Cerberus barked sadly, his eyes watering a bit. His tail stopped wagging and he nuzzled me, so close I could feel the waves of despair rolling off of him. Don’t go, his eyes seemed to be begging.

Oh, shoot. I completely forgot about how Cerberus would feel about this quest! I’m so freaking stupid! What is WRONG with me? I thought, inwardly rolling my eyes at my idiocy. How had I not considered this?

Just then, I heard a thump coming from behind me. Lotus and I whipped around, but fortunately, it was just Savannah, who had leapt over the gates.

“Savannah Lynn Starstruck, did you just jump over the gates?” Carter’s voice called incredulously from the gloom. “What is wrong with you? You could’ve seriously injured or even killed yourself! Or you could’ve landed on Vic or Lotus and have injured one of them!”

“What would you prefer I had done, flip over the gates?” she yelled back. She clenched her battle axe and mouthed, I am SO CLOSE to skewering him.

“Calm down, Carter,” I said to my cousin. "You too, Savannah. How about we just get going and get this over with? Sounds good to me; let’s go.” I spun around hurriedly and started speed walking over to Lotus.

Lotus laughed, but she quickly tried to mask it as a cough. “You heard Vic,” she told them, nodding in my direction and picking up her bag. “Let’s go. Oh, and also try not to die. That’d be great.”

Once Carter, Taylor, and Delly had walked through the gates, we grouped up next to Cerberus and tried to figure out which way was west.

“That way, for sure,” Taylor said, pointing in the exact opposite direction of the gates. “Look at the way the stars are aligned. You can actually see the constellations, now that we’re out of the Underworld.” Savannah nodded in agreement.

“All right then, star master,” I told him, handing him a map I’d found earlier. “Lead the way.”

Delly spit in disgust. “So, you won’t let me, a mighty daughter of Zeus, lead, but you’ll let a lowly son of Hermes lead? Clearly, there are so many things wrong with you.”

“Such as letting you come along? Yeah, I agree,” I fired back. “Now shut up and let Taylor do his thing.”

“Listen here, daughter of Hephaestus,” she snarled, “you watch your mouth, or you’ll be picking gravel out of your kneecaps for at least eighty years, if you even live that long.”

OR,” Carter butted in, “both of you could just be quiet and get this over with.”

“No!” Delly yelled. “I refuse to let a child of Hermes lead, or a daughter of Hephaestus! This isn’t fair! My father is Zeus, so clearly I should lead!”

“It doesn’t matter that your dad is Zeus! What matters is whether or not you’ll cooperate and not get in our way!” Savannah replied.

“EVERYBODY SHUT UP,” Lotus shouted. Once we’d all quieted down, she added, “Now, how about we all just be calm, let Taylor guide us, and finish this stupid quest already, as Vic and Carter said? Yes, let’s do that. Taylor, go ahead.”

Taylor sighed with relief and nodded. “Okay, yes. Follow me. This way,” he called, jogging west.

We followed him in that direction, and I tossed a treat over my shoulder to Cerberus so that he’d be distracted and wouldn’t follow.

The gates slammed shut behind us, sounding like a muffled thunderclap and volcanic eruption and the same time, and sending a feeling of dread crawling all over us. There would be no turning back now, no chance to flee.

We were on our own, except for maybe the gods. Although they sounded pretty angry when the gates closed, so that probably still wasn’t good.


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Sun Jun 13, 2021 2:27 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I must say, I've really been enjoying this story so far! It definitely has some major Percy Jackson vibes to it, but it's also unique enough to make it very enjoyable!!

One thing I really like about this is your characters. They seem super diverse and unique, and they all have their own personalities that makes them super fun to interact with. You're really great at using dialogue as a tool of indirect characterization. From it, I can tell that Carter seems to be pretty logical, Savannah seems very bold and active (I'm getting very Gryffindor vibes from her), and Delly seems to be very opinionated and a little bit of a jerk. It's a really great way of introducing your characters in a subtle way, and you seem to be really great at it!

One thing I did wonder about was your pacing. The story seems to be moving pretty fast, which keeps the reader engaged, but it also means that it might end up being a little on the short side. There's nothing wrong with that, but if you wanted to do something professional (i. e. publish) it, they tend to favor longer works. I also think that stories need to have some slower parts to make them interesting; if all the parts are very fast-paced readers can get "winded" very quickly. It's also a little overwhelming at the beginning to get tossed right into the story. It's just something to keep in mind, and if you do want to bulk up the pacing, I'd suggest reading through or giving it to someone else to read through and mark parts to expand on.

You're also pretty spotless on grammar! I wanted to commend you on that; the readability of this piece was really nice and polished.

Overall: nice work! I really enjoyed your story and I definitely want to read more! Until next time!!






Thanks for the review!
You're right, I should work on the pacing. I definitely agree that if I slow some parts down, it would be a lot better! Thanks!



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Mon May 17, 2021 1:43 am
starlitmind wrote a review...



HEYA FRIEND, I'M BACK!! ^_^

There were engravings of skulls in the volcanic rock they were constructed of, carving a mural of death.


"mural of death" is such a chilling phrase and goes really well with the skulls / volcano / creepy theme!

I'm a little confused by the former part of this sentence, particularly god "they were constructed of" -> So there are skulls engraved in the volcano, but the skulls are constructed of volcanic rock? If that's what you were going for, you could honestly take that part out, as that's what the engraving is implying. If I misunderstood (which is very likely because I'm an idiot cx) then I think revisiting this sentence and making it clearer wouldn't hurt! ^_^

The rock was polished so well that it reflected the light from the lava rivers.


I love this little detail c:

I wonder what all the fancy stuff in the prophecy means.


Omg this sentence could apply to like all fantasy novel prophecies xD

All three of his heads broke into gigantic grins


Ahah this sentence made me laugh xD I love how you wrote about all three of his heads - the cute way you describe him offsets the "creepiness" of the "scariness" associated with Cerberus's three heads / Cerberus in general

Oh, shoot. I completely forgot about how Cerberus would feel about this quest! I’m so freaking stupid!


*gasp* how could you forget about Cerberus!!! :'(( Haha, but in all serious, Cerberus seems more like a lovely doggy pet than a scary beast - I love your interpretation of him <3

“What would you prefer I had done, flip over the gates?”


I am really enjoying your dialogue in this chapter ^_^ this exchange between Carter and Savannah was quite realistic and funny!

But oh gosh, if they already bicker over just this, I'm imagining the adventure is going to be chaotic :p

Delly spit in disgust. “So, you won’t let me, a mighty daughter of Zeus, lead, but you’ll let a lowly son of Hermes lead? Clearly, there are so many things wrong with you.”


Ooh yes, I am concerned with how everyone is going to get along on this trip - there's already a lot of bickering, and I hope that they don't let each other / their fights become a bigger enemy than the external obstacles they'll face on the journey :O

“No!” Delly yelled. “I refuse to let a child of Hermes lead, or a daughter of Hephaestus! This isn’t fair! My father is Zeus, so clearly I should lead!”


Um Delly 0.0 This just demonstrates why, in fact, you shouldn't not lead

The gates slammed shut behind us, sounding like a muffled thunderclap and volcanic eruption and the same time, and sending a feeling of dread crawling all over us.


This sentence does seem a bit wordy / not grammatically correct / long, and I don't think it would hurt to reword it! ^_^ I'll try to give you just one suggestion out of the endless possibilities ~

"The gates slammed shut behind us. It sounded like a muffled thunderclap and a volcanic eruption at the same time, sending a feeling of dread down our spines."

We were on our own, except for maybe the gods. Although they sounded pretty angry when the gates closed, so that probably still wasn’t good.


Oops :O Sounds ominous ~

I think this is my favourite chapter so far! ^_^ Your dialogue was the highlight of this chapter for me - it felt natural and human, not robotic or forced at all. It also felt like sibling behaviour and banter, adding to the realisticness

I love how you have bits of humour thrown in here! It's entertaining, especially when you don't have a lot of action. Since this chapter was a step back from action and was preparing to dive into it, your dialogue and humour really uplift the story and keep it fun to read. In addition, I like how your narrator feels really tangible - it seems that she can be easily relatable to the reader.

Also, love how Lotus is still her sarcastic self xD Her character is strongly felt!

Can't wait to read the next chapter, as always! I hope this helped ^_^






Thanks for the review!
Yeah, my wording sucked, I'm gonna go back and fix that.
And yeah, Delly definitely should NOT lead. I am definitely not going to allow that, don't worry.
Thanks!




“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables