*starts with piano playing*
You think I'm just your friend
But how can you not see
I want to be more
How can you not see
the pain inside?
*all instruments, drum, guitar, etc. play*
Why aren't you looking inside of me?
Seeing the truth of me
Why? Can't you see how I want you?
Why can't you see the love in my eyes?
*the instruments go quieter*
The tears roll down my face
Whenever I hear you talk about her
Whenever I see you hold her hand
Whenever I see your lips...
The pain hurts inside!
*loud again*
Why aren't you looking inside of me?
Seeing the truth of me
Why? Can't you see how I want you?
Why can't you see the love in my eyes?
I can't live without you!
I can't breathe without you here!
My eyes will never be dry with you near!
*whisper*
Why can't you see?
Why can't you see the pain
oh, uncontrollable pain!
Pain, pain, pain
*loud again*
Why aren't you looking inside of me?
Seeing the truth of me
Why? Can't you see how I want you?
Why can't you see the love in my eyes?
3X
*gets quieter fading out*
Pain, Pain, pain,
uncontrollable pain...
*until its quiet*
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140,597 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Hi there.
I would firstly like to say that you could probably related to every teenage girl (Including me) in the world with this feeling that the world is ending and everything is wrong because he is not around. Even though everyone on the outside can see that even though it is sad, It's not the end of the world. Well done for capturing that, it's got the right amount of angst and romance to relate. And I don't know about you but one thing I love about music is that I can relate to it.
My only issue is the flow, I don't really see it, it's very clunky. It seems to me like you were to focused on getting your message across. Flow is one of the most important part of lyrics. Than again, I have not heard the music so it is kind of hard to tell.
Over all you have done a good job.
Vera
Hello Forest!!! Surprised to see me?
I just wanted to check out your lyrics. I like this song!! It totally sounds like something I would listen to totally!! I mean call me weird but I love songs like that. You know heartache-y ones. Well I really liked it!! See ya soon!!!
I like it. Sounds like a real song you'd hear on the radio. Probably even one I'd listen to.
The only thing I think you could change is.
Why not put
Why can't you see how I want you?
Instead of
Why? Can't you see how I want you?
Maybe because the song is in your head, and you know how it sounds it makes more
sense, but for me it's just makes the lyrics harder to sing along too.
Other that I enjoyed it. Nice job.
Alright, so I thought this was pretty melodramatic. A girl is hurting "uncontrollably" because a guy doesn't want her. *lifts eyebrow* Sure, there might be a twinge of heartache, but there's no big significant pain.
I liked the way you involve the instrumental into it. It helps me to picture a familiar tune. You may want to describe more about it, though. Is it an operatic ballad? Does a stuttering up-tempo dance beat follow after the piano? Is it acoustic rock? Electro-tinged pop? No? Then tell us!
Your lyric style is pretty free-style, right? Sort of like Imogen Heap and such. That is possible of working very well, but not for this subject matter, and especially not the way you phrased things. There seems to be a significant amount of reptition, of which a chorus and bridge may work better for the listener/reader and the lyricist.
GRADE: B-